Monday, February 28, 2011

The King's Speech Or: How I Learned To Love The Stutterer

Okay, now follow along with me, this is not a test, this is THE TEST TO END ALL TESTS.

What do you get when you take Colin Firth, Geoffrey Rush, a bunch of other people not from America, and throw a script at them that includes the following:

Lionel Logue: Do you know the "f" word?

King George VI: Ffff... fornication?

-----

King Edward VIII: Sorry, I've been terribly busy.

King George VI: Doing what?

King Edward VIII: Kinging.

-----

Lionel Logue: Is that the best you can do?

King George VI: Well... bloody bugger to you, you beastly bastard.

Lionel Logue: Oh, a public school prig could do better than that.

King George VI: Shit. Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit!

Lionel Logue: Yes!

King George VI: Shit!

Lionel Logue: Defecation flows trippingly from the tongue!

You get the Academy Award winning Best Picture The King’s Speech. I am your humble guide, CleverEuphemism, and the local Sugary Cynic did not see this film, so she left it to me to dispense what I know of this film, it being the hottest thing in the world today and everything.

This poster might be part of the reason it is so hot… if you like to imagine Colin Firth’s mouth near things you shouldn’t put your mouth on, lest you want to catch cooties….not that there’s anything wrong with that.

So The King’s Speech follows the eventual King George VI’s path to the throne. You see, King George VI (played by Best Actor winner Colin Firth) had a stutter as long as he could remember. And as you could imagine, this could be a pretty difficult thing to live with: “H…h..hi I…I…I….I’d l…like one….b…b..biiig m…m…m…m…m..m…m…mac with….” “SIR CAN YOU PLEASE DRIVE AROUND SO YOU CAN POINT AT THE PICTURE BOOK FOR US?” “O..o..o..o..o..ok.” Hopefully his car didn’t have a stutter too, otherwise everyone behind him would be there all night. But yeah, stutters suck, and probably explains why King George VI was so thin, the dude couldn’t get his Big Mac in a timely manner!

Here’s the thin guy now and his lovel…..OMG LOOK AT THOSE EYEBROWS! Apparently the tragedies never ended with this family.

Anyway, the film shows the struggles of someone with a seemingly debilitating speech impediment try to make a name for himself. Of course while most people are able to battle their demons in private, when you are in line to become King of England you aren’t granted such privileges.

Just ask Prince Harry about his bout with douchism

Initially King George VI is passed over for his brother King Edward VIII, because of the impediment. That and because King Edward VIII was apparently a hunk.

Yes that would be Guy Pearce. But don’t get too attached, apparently King Edward VIII was like the Bill Clinton of kings. That is to say, King Edward VIII knew how to party and ruined a few articles of clothing, some more priceless and historic than others.

So when King Edward VIII was clearly unfit to lead, and this guy named Hitler was causing all sorts of trouble on the European mainland, the United Kingdom turned to King George VI, and this guy still couldn’t even speak right! Geez, try not to pressure him too much or anything. So, how do you get a stutterer to quit stuttering and become the voice of the nation standing in Hitler’s way of global domination?

Karaoke. No, really. Geoffrey Rush loaded up Rock Band for the original Playstation or something and made everyone sing. He kept the guitar for himself ‘cause he’s an asshole like that.

Now, I am not going to get too caught up in the plot because, look, the movie is called The KING’S Speech. Not “Some stutter’s speech.” Not “The Speech Given by the Prince of Yorkshire” or anything like that. Clearly the man becomes king. And SPOILER ALERT, Hitler loses.

I mean, come on, with a haircut like that, did he ever expect to be a leading man in a major Hollywood picture?

Simply put, The King’s Speech is a story of triumph over personal demons that are out of one’s control. The story highlights the relationship between King George VI and his speech therapist Lionel Logue (played by Geoffrey Rush). The two strangers come to have a strong kinship. So much so that Lionel called the King by the childhood name Bertie.

Gerty, no relation.

There are not many films that highlight actual emotive male bonding. These men are able to open themselves up to each other and expose their soft underbellies and better themselves through their relationship, and grow a greater appreciation for each other, but also themselves.

Both Firth and Rush put in strong performances, and I believe Firth rightly won the Oscar for Best Actor. Hell, I still believe he should have won last year for his role in the sorely underrated A Single Man.

I mean, check out those glasses. Are they not awesome in the Mid-20th century closeted homosexual kind of way?

The thing that does stick out when people discuss The King’s Speech is that Helena Bonham Carter does not get the credit she seemingly deserves for putting in a strong performance herself; and I have been hard pressed to find other people discuss the moving cinematography. You remember the awkwardness and uneasiness you felt when watching Black Swan?

Yeah, you know what she is about to do… ouch.

You get an equal, if not greater, feel of uneasiness in The King’s Speech. You really feel for the plight of the young king. You squirm in your seat as you try to will the words out of his mouth. It an underdog story, and who doesn’t love an underdog story? And the thing about how this movie makes you squirm? It makes you squirm when you watch the award shows as well, for a completely different reason….

Yeah, I’m not sure what happened to Geoffrey, but it makes me a little uneasy.

If you haven’t seen The King’s Speech WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, LIKE HELLO, DO YOU NOT INHERENTLY DO WHAT THE OSCAR OVERLORDS TELL YOU TO DO?! WHY DO YOU HATE AMERICA?!.... But yeah, you should consider seeing it, since it really is one of the best movies of the year, regardless of genre and theme. I for one welcome our new British overlords…

But hey, at least us Americans still have The Beatles and all they have is the Stones!

Lionel Logue: You still stammered on the 'W'.
King George VI: Well I had to throw in a few so they knew it was me.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

The Oscars: Brought To You By Two Bickering Movie Geeks

So, the big kahuna, the final stop, the slag-heap of slap-happy bs that is the Oscars. We've been here before but since I care about these Oscars maybe slightly more than last year's and because I try to do whatever's easiest fresh and interesting things, this year me and the boydude, who has begun to creatively infringe on here lately, were pithy about the Oscars together on with the power of the internet!

INTERNET!

So here's the lowdown on the Oscars for those who missed it, have short attention spans, or just can't be bothered to sit through all the outfit changes:

SUGARY CYNIC AND SOME OTHER GUY ARE WITTILY BITCHY ABOUT THE OSCARS

(everything in parenthesis was added after the fact) (duh)

Sugary Cynic: hi, tv on, sexy hosts initiated

Clever Euphemism: Hi, and yes, I am sexy, thanks for noticing


Clever Euphemism: And you only missed 8 minutes, so that is a plus. =P

Sugary Cynic: yup

Clever Euphemism: So I know that I am looking forward to Scarlett Johansson tonight.
....and this show is off to a rockin' start.... "Let's talk to old yentas"

"It's been a great year for lesbians!" (No really, she said that)

Sugary Cynic: "great year for lesbians" lol

Clever Euphemism: Social Network.... Mark Zuckerberg, a reason all women should be lesbians.

Sugary Cynic: nice

(Then for whatever reason, right at the beginning, retrospective outta nowhere, never a good sign)

Clever Euphemism: Oh and yay already a "this year sucked, let's go back 70 years" moment...Tom Hanks...?

Sugary Cynic: why are they doing this? filler does not go at the beginning!!!

Clever Euphemism: I for one am happy they finally got him off that island. A man can only run on an island for so long.

(As Tom Hanks talks about...something, that iconic, ear-bleeding music of a certain unsinkable ship starts playing)

Sugary Cynic: GO AWAY TITANIC

Clever Euphemism: Oh, I get this now...

Sugary Cynic: get what?

Clever Euphemism: ....James Cameron bitched about last year and now they made it up

Sugary Cynic: ooohh

Best Art Direction


Sugary Cynic: if alice in wonderland wins I will be so pissed

Clever Euphemism: I forgot that movie came out this year

Sugary Cynic: cuz it sucked

(Alice won)

Sugary Cynic: OH COME ON IT WAS ALL CGI

Clever Euphemism: Now I am waiting for the "Oscar winning" Version of the DVD

Sugary Cynic: >_<

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Best Cinematography: Inception

Clever Euphemism: BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRBRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRBRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR INCEPTION HORN BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Sugary Cynic: lawl

Clever Euphemism: "I would like to thank the sound...."

Sugary Cynic: it's an award within an award within an award

Clever Euphemism: Wow Nolan is crying

Sugary Cynic: he's sensitive...and apparently that guy's "master" (Seriously he called Nolan his master...go figure)

(And then they wheeled out Kirk Douglas, who took his sweet sweet time announcing best supporting actress)

Sugary Cynic: ...what's Kirk Douglas been in? ...I know I'm supposed to know him but I don't. his ears are scary. his everything is scary

Clever Euphemism: Awww he's been Dick Clark'd

Sugary Cynic: good verb

Clever Euphemism: He sounds just like him

Sugary Cynic: kinda yeah

Clever Euphemism: oh god, we are gonna be here all night

Sugary Cynic: HAILEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE I LOVE YOOOOOUUUUU

Clever Euphemism: I DESARVH AN AUSKUH CUAS I SPEEK LYK IM FRUM BAWSTIN

Sugary Cynic: that was unsettling

Clever Euphemism: I am not waiting for this moment Kirk Douglas

Sugary Cynic: he's gonna die onstage, I know it

Clever Euphemism: I will give him credit he's funnier than Grown Ups all on his own
Sugary Cynic: that's not saying much

Best Supporting Actress: NOT HAILEE STEINFELD :( Melissa Leo

Clever Euphemism: And Melissa Leo sweeps all the award shows

Sugary Cynic: pfft, lame, haliee fo' evah

Clever Euphemism: Haliee is too young. And didn't speak with a boston accent. Fuckin east coast Hollywood bias

Sugary Cynic: they had to usher Kirk off the stage XD

Clever Euphemism: As the only person here who saw The Fighter, I guess she is an okay choice...

Sugary Cynic: I wouldnt know

Clever Euphemism: She was better than Amy Adams

Sugary Cynic: I hate her cuz she's not Hailiee

(Melissa gives an endearingly dorky speech, and then drops the F-bomb)

Clever Euphemism: OMG

Sugary Cynic: YES FIRST SWEAR

(Followed by Best Animated Short...which we knew nothing about)

Clever Euphemism: I've never seen any of the shorts but I say lets Pollute wins

Sugary Cynic: no, Night and Day, it's Pixar

Clever Euphemism: nevermind, Madagascar, I say that one

Sugary Cynic: aaaaand

(The winner was called The Lost Thing)

Clever Euphemism: Wow we went 0 for 3

Sugary Cynic: we suck

Clever Euphemism: Out of 4

Sugary Cynic: we suck a lot

Sugary Cynic: he's TINY and AUSTRALIAN...or NEW ZEALANDY. something

Clever Euphemism: Australian Asian Midgets

Sugary Cynic: best thing ever

Best Animated Film: Toy Story 3, As if it were really a contest

Clever Euphemism: what a shock! ... by not being shocking at all

Sugary Cynic: never saw it coming. blew me away

Clever Euphemism: .... you probably had your back to it

Sugary Cynic: it was really good tho, not that you would know, because you hate childlike wonder

Clever Euphemism: lies! I likes TS1 and 2 And many other Pixar films

Sugary Cynic: you will watch it...AND YOU WILL WEEP

Clever Euphemism: dude..... that isn't saying much

Then Best Adapted Screenplay but first, more retrospecting!


Clever Euphemism: I DONT CARE ABOUT HISTORY. BEIBER, WHERE IS BEIBER I WANT BEIBER
Sugary Cynic: NO, you'll summon him or something. Anyway, it's gonna be social network, because everyone wants to make love to Aaron Sorkin's sexy words

Clever Euphemism: Most likely. And yessir!

Sugary Cynic: we finally got one, but it was obvious. and bored already

(As they attempt in vain to play Aaron Sorkin off)

Clever Euphemism: Well they only wanted to hear his sexy words for about 25 seconds

Sugary Cynic: listen to the music, Sorkin!

Best Original Screenplay

Clever Euphemism: Now this should be Inception

Sugary Cynic: yup. And all I can see are inception memes now

Clever Euphemism: But, if The King's Speech wins this, it will sweep

(And it does)

Clever Euphemism: and it did

Sugary Cynic: shit...the christopher nolan fangirl in me is gently weeping

Clever Euphemism: well maybe he shouldn't have made so many plot holes

Sugary Cynic: :(

Clever Euphemism: "We have a voice, we have been heard" what are the odds every TKS winner says something like that?

Sugary Cynic: I hope so, this is getting dull, we need a wacky theme. They should all stutter out their acceptance speeches

Clever Euphemism: well that chance already passed them by. I know the wacky theme...every winner tonight should be white...which will be easy

Sugary Cynic: WHITE PEOPLE ARE THE WACKIEST. A black dude won last year but then that white chick kanye'd him

Clever Euphemism: There arent any blacks nominated and people are upset...And everyone remembers that fat white bitch

"That fat white bitch"

(Then Helen Mirren tries to present Best Foreign Film but is saddled with Russell Brand)

Sugary Cynic: HELEN MIRREN TIME

Clever Euphemism: YOU AREN'T FUNNY RUSSELL BRAND. DIE. FAST. DIE. HARD.

Sugary Cynic: poor Helen Mirren, she deserves better. I don't know these, I feel so uncultured and American

(Danish film, In A Better World wins)

Clever Euphemism: FUCK YOU DENMARK...she has nice boobies though

Sugary Cynic: what'd they ever do to you? ...damn they are nice

Clever Euphemism: They ain't real

Sugary Cynic: how can you tell?

Clever Euphemism: Men just know

Sugary Cynic: they're not gargantuan...she's got a nice butt too

Best Supporting Actor: C'mon, like you don't know?


Clever Euphemism: Okay, Bale, just get up there

Sugary Cynic: SEAN CONNERY WAS MENTIONED. TAKE NOTE

Clever Euphemism: Usually the people they mention die in the near future...

Sugary Cynic: shut up. forever

Clever Euphemism: =(

Sugary Cynic: oh im sorry, but you cant say such things...its mean to get the other actor's hopes up when christian bale is clearly going to win

(And he does)

Sugary Cynic: his beard is so...red

Clever Euphemism: It is

Sugary Cynic: I'd still do him. several times. in various locales and settings


Best Soundtrack: The Social Flippin Network :(

Sugary Cynic: John Powell (How To Train Your Dragon) will always be the best in my heart...and the social network's ambient bullshit can go to hell

Clever Euphemism: So, as it turns out Hollywood hates Inception. Now the question is, why?

Sugary Cynic: because they fear That Which Is Nolan?

(Then Scarlett Johannyssonsenson appears with hair that looks like it was cut with safety scissors)

Sugary Cynic: what happened to her hair?
Clever Euphemism: She is hot, don't question her

Sugary Cynic: she's hot but her hair is choppy as hell

Best Sound Mixing and Editing: Inception (Finally)

Clever Euphemism: And there we go, Inception can say "oscar winner" on it

Sugary Cynic: for "sound mixing" which I assume is made up

Clever Euphemism: wait is that a lesbian? (one of the acceptor-peoples) she has a wife? Well, that covers the lesbian angle for inception

Sugary Cynic: also, I'm noticing a theme here, they call him "my master Nolan" "the mighty Nolan" ...yeah

(Then when Tron was in the running for Sound Editing)

Clever Euphemism: DO IT TRON

Sugary Cynic: GO TRON

(But no, Inception)

Clever Euphemism: so inception missed on the biggest prize, gets the two smaller ones...in sound

Sugary Cynic: it at least sounds the best...aww, the accepting guy didn't call Nolan master or mighty

Clever Euphemism: nope. DISRESPECTED

Sugary Cynic: Nolan with deal with him swiftly and terribly

Clever Euphemism: yes

Anger not The Nolan


Best Make-up

Sugary Cynic: if Wolfman wins I will laugh, so hard

(And of course...)

Clever Euphemism: LAUGH LAUGH

Sugary Cynic: hahahahahaha YEEEES

Clever Euphemism: Wolfman = Oscar Winning picture

Sugary Cynic: so great...hmmm, costumes

Clever Euphemism: true grit

Best Costumes: Alice In Wonder-Are You Kidding Me?

Clever Euphemism: FUCK

Sugary Cynic: GOD DAMMNIT

Clever Euphemism: alice = MULTIPLE oscar winner

Sugary Cynic: at least it didn't win for makeup, pale pedo Johnny Depp haunts my nightmares

(No pictures of him on here, ever again! So the costume lady reads robotically off a notecard, completely flat, no emotion)

Sugary Cynic: she's a fun one

Clever Euphemism: very spontaneous

Sugary Cynic: lively

Clever Euphemism: she lives on edge, controversial even

Sugary Cynic: unforgettable

(For Best Song, they played the songs live which meant...)

Sugary Cynic: no no no no no

(Randy Newman played his song for Toy Story 3)

Clever Euphemism: oh, yay

Sugary Cynic: nooooooooooooooooo

Clever Euphemism: wow, he sounds bad. I think he's gonna eat the mic

Sugary Cynic: when he sings, a little piece of me dies. oh thank god its over

Best Short Documentary:

Sugary Cynic: Sun Come Up, that's my guess

Strangers No More

Sugary Cynic: nope

Best Short Film:

Clever Euphemism: Nawewe

Sugary Cynic: wish 143

God of Love. Suckers

Clever Euphemism: =(

Sugary Cynic: jeez, we fail at this

And then some horrible segment where they auto-tuned Harry Potter, Toy Story and Twilight...for some reason

Clever Euphemism: and people say technology is helping us

Best Documentary: Inside Job


Sugary Cynic: pithy comment

Clever Euphemism: I knew this would win when they went to commercial break on it last time: truth!

Sugary Cynic: makes sense

Clever Euphemism: is these people are so smart instead of making a documentary about this, maybe they should have saved us!

(And suddenly, Billy Crystal)

Clever Euphemism: He hasn't aged in 20 years

Sugary Cynic: he is getting smoother instead of wrinklier

Best Nominee Announcer Bromance: Robert Downey Jr and Jude Law

Best Effects: Inception


Sugary Cynic: victory BWAAAAAAAAAM

Clever Euphemism: sorry was eating =P but yes, bwaaams

Sugary Cynic: you're on the clock, no eating

Best Video Editing: The Social Network

Clever Euphemism: hey look that over rated movie did something ;)

Sugary Cynic: what happened to black swan? for realsies

Clever Euphemism: it is a thinly veiled metaphor stretched out for 2 hours, we discussed this

Sugary Cynic: but its a tensely thrilling metaphor, with possible lesbian sex ...year of the lesbians?

Clever Euphemism: well the lesbian aspect, Portman will win

Sugary Cynic: hope so, she was really good

Clever Euphemism: If she or Firth loses the internet will melt

(Then Gywneth Paltrow came to sing some awful country song from her awful country movie and mentioned something about a "four-letter word" that was love or something)

Clever Euphemism: PAUSE "It's a four letter word..." they should have paused so we can guess what it is:

gimp

fart

Sugary Cynic: butt

Clever Euphemism: asss

Sugary Cynic: suck

Clever Euphemism: gunt

Sugary Cynic: bunt

Clever Euphemism: cuts

Sugary Cynic: other things with those various letters

Clever Euphemism: lololllol

(MATURITY! THUMBS UP!)

Best Song: "We Belong Together" from Toy Story 3, aka Randy Newman Will Not Go Quietly Into That Good Night

Sugary Cynic: noooooooooooooooooooooo

Clever Euphemism: so what's left? actor, actress, dicrector, and film? and eulogy?

Sugary Cynic: yeah the biggies and the dead people

Clever Euphemism: Firth, Portman, Finch, King's Speech

Sugary Cynic: really, not going with social network? Agree with others tho

Clever Euphemism: Nah I think TKS got it in the bag now

(And then the Great White Canadian Horror showed up to sing about dead people)

Sugary Cynic: its Celine Dion...oh no...why does she get to keep living when all these people are dead

Clever Euphemism: NOT LIONEL JEFFRIES!

Sugary Cynic: aw, Pete Postlethwaite :(

Clever Euphemism: OMG they forgot Abe Vigoda

Sugary Cynic: he's dead?

Clever Euphemism: ....well... no.

Sugary Cynic: oh

Clever Euphemism: not technically

Sugary Cynic: Dennis Hopper :(

(Hilary Swank announces Best Director)

Sugary Cynic: hey it's she-man

(But then Kathryn Bigelow shows up)

Clever Euphemism: Look at this giant

Sugary Cynic: she is even manlier than Hilary Swank, and that is no mean feat


Oh right, Best Director: Tom Hopper for The King's Speech

Clever Euphemism: sweeeeep sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep

Sugary Cynic: fincher pwned :O

Sugary Cynic: finally near the end

Clever Euphemism: what, you mean this isn't exciting? (And Jeff Bridges and James Franco took the stage to announce nominees) And now they have 2 nominees on the stage...Oh, they are going actress, I thought he was gonna do actors

Sugary Cynic: yeah, i wish he could be like "and the award goes to...me!" oh well :(

(After Jeff Bridges keeps barking out nominees)

Sugary Cynic: he keeps calling out their names like he's admonishing them in class

Clever Euphemism: haha yes he is

"Natalie! Your work in Black Swan was stunning. Now spit out that gum unless you have enough for the whole class!"

Clever Euphemism: Oh god, Natalie is gonna cry. A lot

Sugary Cynic: so much

Best Actress: Natalie Portman in Black Swan (And she bawls her brains out)


Clever Euphemism: MEN DON'T CRY

Sugary Cynic: you stated quite obviously before that you do

Clever Euphemism: MEN DON'T CRY GIVING ACCEPTANCE SPEECHES

Sugary Cynic: we'll see in minute

Best Actor: Colin Firth in The King's Speech (Guess what he does)

Clever Euphemism: oh no, don't cry you fucking limey

Sugary Cynic: HA

Clever Euphemism: CLIVE OWEN WOULDN'T CRY ...Neither would Sean

Sugary Cynic: Sean would leak awesome from his eyes

Clever Euphemism: Also, to be honest, he was better last year in A Single Man. But no one saw that

Sugary Cynic: I sure didn't

Clever Euphemism: I'm not sure he even saw it

Sugary Cynic: he was busy

Clever Euphemism: HOLD ON. How much of a douche are you to sit with the statue in your lap?

Sugary Cynic: the biggest and best. Not gonna lie, I'd do it.

Sugary Cynic: I'd do like in Seinfeld with the pez dispenser and hold it up and make it clap

Clever Euphemism: Fair enough =P


Clever Euphemism: The end is in sight...so TKS? Yes?

Sugary Cynic: yup

(As they play a video of all the nominees for Best Picture)

Clever Euphemism: well geez having the voice-over from TKS really throws ya off... I mean... what movie will win?

Sugary Cynic: its a mystery, I am on the edge of my seat with suspense, butt's barely touching and everything

Clever Euphemism: I hope its Toy Story

(And as they dragged their feet)

Sugary Cynic: DO IT ALREADY

Best Picture: The Stutter-King's Talky Time

Clever Euphemism: The Social Network got the loudest cheer, oddly enough
SWEEEEEEEEEEEEP

Sugary Cynic: sad BWAAAAAM is sad

(As the acceptee took the stage)

Clever Euphemism: George Clooney was part of this film?

Sugary Cynic: he is a part of everything ever, didn't you know?

Clever Euphemism: This guy looks just like him. oh shit, his "Boyfriend Ben" ...Male lesbians!

Sugary Cynic: year of the lesbians!

Clever Euphemism: You know what gay guys do with that statue?

Sugary Cynic: put it on a mantle respectfully?
:p

Clever Euphemism: The same thing as everyone else, you fuckin' perv ...damn! I was outwitted!

Sugary Cynic: BY MY DECENCY

Clever Euphemism: So, sum up this Oscars in one word.

Sugary Cynic: British. You?

Clever Euphemism: Aronofsknow'd ...Cause Black Swan was UNKNOWN'D

Sugary Cynic: .......

Clever Euphemism: Okay, fine, my real word "Expected"

Sugary Cynic: good enough

Clever Euphemism: Oh snap, the bachelor is down to the final three! can we do this again tomorrow?!

Sugary Cynic: >_<


And there you have it. Now I'm going to bed because this shit is exhausting. This is Sugary Cynic and some other guy who's really not as important as Sugary Cynic saying, "Maybe if I fake a Boston accent, I can win an Oscar too" 'Night!

(During a deranged commercial for an interview with Charlie Sheen)

Clever Euphemism: "I am on a drug, and it's called Charlie Sheen" best line of the night.

Friday, February 25, 2011

Moon: Kinda Like Castaway In Space But Also Not Like That At All

Hey hey hey! Lookit what boydude found (you gotta clicker it):

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee :D (also super-convenient that none of them have their real pictures on fb so I didn't have to make them color blobs) but more importantly, eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Oh shut up and let me have my moment.

Anyway, sorry for the lack or post, hope you enjoyed the boydude's the other night (and you thought *I* was hyper), I had a huge midterm exam and thesis and I'm still not sleeping well and I'm having Black Swan-ish issues with messing with my cuticles as a stress tic.

'Cept instead of spiraling into insanity and having possibly-imagined lesbian sex I get SPIDERMAN BAND-AIDS. So clearly I got a better deal (They were out of Batman)

ANYWAY, not too long ago I finally got around to watching the directorial debut of David Bowie's spawn, Moon.

He may not have taken his father's name, but they still share the bond of ridiculous scarves

So yeah, Moon.

Much cooler than the other poster where he's just standing moodily in front of a big spiral-ey circle dealie

So Moon tells the story of the glorious and ever-magical future, where we get all the energy needed to power the world by doing vaguely mining-like activities on the moon to extract bits of something or other and ship it back home. Well, someone needs to keep an eye on these...things, and that guy is Sam Bell, all alone on the sprawling moon base for a three year contract of doing...moon stuff. Sam is played by Sam Rockwell, who is unfortunately not reprising his other space-related role, Zaphod Beeblebrox.

I'd watch it. I don't care if you'd judge me

So anyway, Sam s finally nearing the end of his three year stint on the moon. Which is good because he's been a bit loopy lately, and his health is a bit off as well. And also all he has to talk to is robot Kevin Spacey.

Behold, Kevin Spacey's true form!!

Spacey voices GERTY, the robot that attends to the base and is Sam's only companion on the moon base. He's kind of like HAL but cuddlier and less homicidal. He just also sounds like Kevin Spacey.

Just picture this thing reciting lines from Se7en

So one day, with only two weeks left before Sam can get off the moon and return to his wife and daughter, he crashes his little lunar rover thingie and knocks his ass out. He wakes up somehow back at the base, with no memory of what happened. And that's when shit gets weird. How weird?

MOON WEIRD

Nope, not gonna explain it to you. That would ruin it. Half the fun of Moon is spending the first half going "What the hell is going ON?" and the second half going "Well, what the hell is going to HAPPEN?" It's good stuff. Sam Rockwell proves he can carry a movie just as well as Bearded Tom Hanks stranded on an island and Kevin Spacey manages to breathe life into his box-shaped robot. It's tense and at the climax, heart-wrenching. This is a criminally underrated movie people. It's a bit slow to start and it certainly never "explodes" but hopefully you twits have better taste than that. They can't all be Unknown after all. So watch Moon. It is confusing and excellent and there's a part where Sam is sad and Gerty like, pets him with his little robo-arm and ohmygoodness it is too cute for words.

But see it, you know, for the other reasons too. Moon gets four and a half catapults out of five.

This is Sugary Cynic, ordering a Kevin Spacey robot off e-bay. 'Night!

(upon waking)

Sam Bell: "Gerty, is there someone else in the room?"

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Unknown'D!

So what happens when you take one Sugary Cynic, add some midterms, subtract a lot of sleep, and has a remainder known as needing to keep up with posting? A post from boydude, that’s what happens. Sugary just can’t say no to my offer of help. My charms are irresistible. It’s kind of like this:

Except CZJ has nothing on me. I have a Romanian ass that just don’t quit.

Anyway, hello interneting world this is CleverEuphemism writing to you about the movie Unknown. No, it’s not an unknown movie, it’s called Unknown, and it stars Liam Neeson. Sadly not Liam Neeson in a kilt though.

Although this movie would have been better if it did have Liam Neeson in a kilt. Fuck, any movie would be better if it had Liam Neeson in a kilt.

So this movie had a couple of things going for it before I ever sat down to watch it. One, I got to see it for free since Sugary decided to donate blood, and they decided to reward her with free movie tickets, and I’m all about blood-tickets.

This is another story… and way off topic…

Oh, and aside from the free-ness the movie had Liam Neeson who thrives in movies with one word titles: Taken, Kinsey, Ponyo, a movie called Revolver in which he plays “man,” and Nailed where he plays “Young Catholic.”

Back to the topic at hand… in Unkown Liam Neeson plays, seemingly average joe from New Hampshire, Dr. Martin Harris who has a wife named Elizabeth Harris (January Jones). The movie opens with the happy couple going to Germany because Martin is scheduled to present on some sort of biotechnological breakthrough. It sounds all important, but really… it’s filler, right? I mean, no movie with this awesome poster (see below) could have anything to do about a new strain of corn that will end world hunger, but there are some really rich companies who will not stand for this and will try and steal the corn’s genome structure for themselves, right? WRONG!

Yeah, the poster is a lie… kind of. I guess the hint is the fact it tries to immediately remind you that Taken was a movie that was good might not bode well…

So now that we are strapped in thinking “Oh great, now we get to see this goddamn emotionless bore get to present about the awesomeness of self perpetuating corn….” Things take a sudden shift. You see, Martin, who seems to be controlling and anal, and a perfectionist, and overanalyzes every situation, makes the biggest mistake any traveler can make. HE LEAVES HIS LUGGAGE ON THE CART WHILE LOADING THE TAXI.

I wonder if anyone called the cops, ‘cause that’s a safety hazard.

It is unclear why the bag he leaves behind is so important, but the second he realizes the bag is missing Martin high tails his ass back to the airport. He doesn’t even bother to tell his wife that he is leaving to go get the back. He’s all like “screw this, TAXI! TAXI! Hey you look like a crazy unsafe driver who will get me back to the airport in no time, without even having us wind up in the water and stuff!” (We call that foreshadowing) And then, after he decided to run away without telling the wife he was going back to the airport, ‘cause leaving your wife without telling her when you are in a place neither of you know is a good idea, he tries to call her. And wouldn’t you know he doesn’t get a signal… in the middle of metropolitan Germany. Oh he tries to call like 10 times…

Können Sie mich jetzt hören?... NO, BECAUSE APPARENTLY CELL PHONE TOWERS CONFOUND GERMANS.


And wouldn’t you know it, on his way back to the airport, and before he gets in touch with his wife, the taxi crashes, and Martin winds up in a coma for the next 4 days. And as soon as he wakes up all he can think about is “OMG, MY WIFE, LIZ, WHERE IS SHE? WHY ISN’T SHE HERE? DOES SHE KNOW?... SHES OUT THERE.. SOMEWHERE.. ALONE.. IN GERMANY, YOU NEED TO LET ME GO!” Now, as crazy misogynistic as that is… what is even crazier is that the medical professionals go “Well, we shouldn’t but… okay. Here, take my card in case you need help during the next 70 minutes of the movie.”

Martin hunts down his wife and finds her at the biotech gala with some other guy who is wearing the name tag “Dr. Martin Harris.” So, doing what any logical person would do he goes up to her and is like “Baby, look, I know you were waaaay neglectful and didn’t visit me in the hospital, but here I am, your husband, Martin Harris, and I’m back, and large and in charge… oh, and who is this doofus?” And how does she react to this bit of news?

Yes that is really the look she gives him at this exact moment. Can’t you tell how happy she is to see her husband she’s been missing for 4 days? THAT IS WHAT WE CALL ACTING!

Clearly the wife doesn’t believe Liam Neeson-Martin Harris is Martin Harris, but instead believes this new guy wearing the name tag is really her husband Dr. Martin Harris. This sends Liam into a tizzy fit which upsets the tender sensibilities of a number of German security people and they kick him out and send him back to the hospital.

The Doctor then tells Liam, and by proxy the audience, that memories can change, and the mind works in strange ways, and it begins to seem like maybe Liam is just a crazy dude or something… well, crazier than normal. But then psychotic Bob Saget comes to kill Liam. (To be fair we see psychotic Bob Saget earlier in the movie when Liam is a douche and doesn’t hold the door to the subway for the guy, and apparently Bob didn’t take that too kindly.)

This is the face of a cold blooded killer, trust me, complete with glasses.

At this point Liam Neeson, and the audience realize, maybe Liam isn’t crazy, but that maybe he was replaced during his 4 day coma and that his wife is lying about not recognizing him since she is either in on the plan, or is being threatened, or something. And then Liam something along the lines of “at first I thought I might be crazy… but then… then they came for me.. and then.. and then I knew!”

This is when the movie really takes off down the path we all were waiting for. The bodies start to stack up all over the place, and Liam runs through Germany with the taxi driver who caused the crash he was in (Diane Kruger), who is less hot in this movie though… sad… for everyone.

During the murderous sprees it is clear that for whatever reason, no matter how many people the “bad guys” kill to try and get to Liam, in some pretty obvious and gruesome ways, whenever they get the chance to kill Liam themselves they try to make it look like an accident of some sort, as if they don’t want to police to investigate his murder… you know… as if the 30 bodies of collateral they leave behind don’t leave a trail of some sort , …and honestly, THIS IS NEVER EXPLAINED.
Now I don’t want to ruin some of the major plot points, because the movie does leave you guessing, and it is a fun journey. One thing I wish I realized before I saw this movie was that the director of this film was the director of Orphan, which you may remember from the commercials a few years back about an orphan girl adopted by a family and then a whole bunch of bad things start to happen but no one wants to blame the 8 year old girl, but the twist in that film is that she is really a 40 year old hooker midget with a 10 mile long rap sheet. And really, Unknown goes back to the well of LET ME PULL TWIST AFTER TWIST OUT AND KEEP THE AUDIENCE GUESSING TIL THE END. And honestly… it mostly works until like the 4th or 5th revelation and you are like “Okay, come on, start playing fair already. I get it, you made the film, and I’m gonna stop guessing on what comes next since clearly you make it impossible to do that.”


I get off on outsmarting you, bitches!

In the end, Liam Neeson continues to show he has a knack for action movies, and that movies about corn conspiracies can be interesting, if a bit outlandish. If you enjoyed Taken, then you should enjoy this. It is fun, and keeps you interested, at least until you just stop trying to figure things out and just impatiently wait for it to all be explained to you in some sort of monologue… yeah it is one of those… complete with flashbacks no less, but at least it is done by Frank Langella, I can imagine him doing it in his Nixon voice.

Let me tell you something young man… I won’t be type casted, that’s for sure.

I give Unknown 3 Liam Neeson Kilts out of 5. Now let’s all hope Sugary Cynic gets some sleep and makes a miraculous comeback, because clearly she has a knack for this I don’t. Ciao internet!

Princess Leia: "I love you"

Hans Solo: "UNKNOWN’D!"

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

The Illusionist (The French One)

Hey guys, feeling kind of crappy lately, sleepwise. I know, what else is new? It's just kind of a bummer because even when I do sleep, it's all restless with weird and intense dreams and I just wake up tired. Anyone ever been through something similar? How do you deal? I'm about ready to give most anything I try, this shit's getting old and really starting to mess with my state of mind.



Anyway, not too long ago during guest week, me and the boydude went out and saw The Illusionist so I can at least say I saw everything in one of the Oscar categories (That would be animation for the fellow insomniacs who are not with it this evening).

How do you say Oscar-bait in French?

So, a script from the great, departed Jacques Tati in a movie by Sylvain Chomet, who brought us The Triplets of Belville. Well, this pretty much has to be good. And it is. Duh.

One could even say it's...magical?

*sound of the Cynic being beaten for not learning her lesson about puns*

Ahem, anyway, the movie follows our Illusionist, an old man sliding into elderly. He is a skilled magician and stage performer, but it's somewhere in the neighborhood of the late fifties and no one really gives a flying crap about stage magic anymore, at least not when there are gyrating British rockers to be had.

You try and compete with this

So the Illusionist and his psychotic white rabbit are forced into cruddier and cruddier venues until he ends up in a remote Scottish village, performing for the locals and accidentally entrancing a young inn-keeper girl named Alice.

Oh Alice, I have so many bones to pick with your character

Ok, so I was informed beforehand about the issues with Alice in the other reviews of the film that I read before seeing it. She's kind of shallow and really dumb. Her whole deal is that she's supposed to be this naive little highland girl and when the Illusionist makes the mistake of taking pity on her and buying her new shoes, she assumes he magicked them out of thin air. She is all like :O and runs away from home to travel with him, expecting him to make all her dreams come true via supreme magical powers. Maybe I'm just cynical (ok, more than maybe) but seriously, who's that ignorant of the laws of reality? Maybe if she was like, eight. Maybe. But she's at least a teenager-ish. She looks around twelve at first but once she starts sucking the old man dry for dresses and heels, she begins to look much older, which I'm sure is a metaphor but it just makes her belief that his magic is real that much less believable. And if she doesn't believe he's really magical? Then Alice is playing him and kind of a bitch.

Ok, let me back up here. This is a good movie. Really, it's just Alice that bugs me. I'll talk about the good things now: this movie is gorgeous. Just incredible. It's like a watercolor painting come to life. You could spend the whole movie looking at the backgrounds and the setting.

Look at this thing. This is a beautiful thing. LOOK AT IT.

So the Illusionist and Alice live happy-ishly in a boarding house full of performers, like creepy puppeteers, tumbling triplets and an extremely depressed clown. The Illusionist continues to get less work but still tries to keep Alice's innocence sheltered by getting her shiny things. He has to get an extra job, with hilarious results. The plot is sort of episodic in a nature, which does make it drag a bit around the middle, despite the short running time. Also because there is practically no dialogue, which is impressive in the emotion and characterization they are able to get across without it, but it really does seem make long scenes that much longer.

That is a crazy, carnivorous rabbit. For the love of God, say SOMETHING!

Anyway, it all leads up to a final bunch of scenes where Alice and the Illusionist both must come to terms with the real world and where their lives have taken them. As it's been said multiple times, this is where the film shines brightest. The animation is breathtaking, the music poignantly pretty and the ending itself heartbreaking. Even with Alice being Alice. This is a fantastic little film, clever and sweet, and man if there isn't some stiff competition in the animated category this year. Pixar will most likely win as it always does. But damn, this movie deserves it too. The Illusionist pulls four and a half catapults out of five out of his hat.

SERIOUSLY. LOOK AT IT.

This is Sugary Cynic, asking "is this your card? No? It's a fish? ...Wrong pocket" 'Night!

Roger Ebert on the film: "Chomet has drawn it with a lightness and beauty worthy of an older, sadder Miyazaki story. Animation suits it. Live action would overwhelm its delicate fancy with realism"

Oh yeah, that's why I like Ebert. I forget sometimes.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Paranormal Activity 2: Paranormal Harder

Hey, hey guys. I'm on Ron's blog today :D Read it if you want to learn about why Boy George and I are mortal enemies (I'd say it makes more sense in context but really, it doesn't).


Anyway. Remember this? Now there's this:

In found footage that no one really believes is found footage anymore, because, c'mon, for reals guys, Sugary Cynic decided that since the first Paranormal Activity was fun in a "nothing's happening, nothing's happening, nothing's happening, OHGODWHATTHEHELLWASTHAT??" sort of way, she might as well give the sequel a shot and watched it with her friend Jasmine. This is what was recovered:

So...it's basically the first movie over again except the whiny chick is replaced with a whiny mom, the douchey dude is replaced with...a douchey dude and for good measure they toss in a cute baby, a plucky teenage girl, a faithful dog and a magical maid/nanny. Yep, it's a sequel all right. Well, technically it's a prequel, supposed to sort of explain the events of the first. See the mom of this family is Eventual Demon Meat-Puppet From The First Movie Kate's sister, Kristi. The good news: She just had a baby boy named Hunter. The bad news: Ghostly demon bitches want in her house.

I'd watch it

So yeah, spooky things abound as stuff gets set on fire, pans fall and pool equipment does not behave how one would expect pool equipment to. Jasmine and I began the movie in the same skeptical state me and Jon did the first time around. We were veterans of the first film, what could they possibly surprise us with?:



And then of course, things began to escalate. Shadows appeared, doors opened and slammed shut, and the family achieved levels of denial previously unheard of.

*Shit moves around on its own accord*

Teen: "AAAH! What's going on?"

Mom: "It's just the wind, honey"

Teen: "But the baby's eyes are glowing red and he's dancing on the ceiling"

Mom: "Yup, just the wind"

Slowly, as you get sucked into the random inanities of this upper-middle class suburban family, the tension begins to ratchet up...



Then things start to get really messed up. This demon ain't kidding around. After he violates the "don't hurt the dog" rule and makes children's toys even creepier than they are on their own, you know shit's gettin' real. Even this dipstick of a family begins to realize as the mom gets dragged into the basement that all is not well within the household.



At this point, all hell is breaking loose and Jasmine and I are clutching our knees in mild terror. Then the magical ethnic nanny comes back to save the day! Yay Ethnic Nanny! But what about the events of the first film? How does that affect this story. Well, the movie's final scene explains that. And it is terrifying. Like:



You win again, Paranormal Activity. *Shakes fist* The plot is stupid and contrived, the characters are annoying, apart from the cute baby, and the movie uses a lot of the same tricks as the first one to scare you. The thing is, those tricks work and at the end of the movie I was, well, you see the picture. Paranormal Activity 2 is pretty decent for a sequel and scores three pants-wees out of five.

Sugary Cynic was later found hiding under her desk, clutching her Totoro pillow and yelling "Don't judge meeeeeeee...'Night!"



Jasmine: "Oh my god! Why can't you people stay away from the goddamn basement?! It's not hard, just don't open the freaking door!"

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