Monday, May 16, 2011

Tokyo Gore Police (It's Pretty Much Exactly How It Sounds)

Firstly: Simon, here is your paint picture for correctly guessing the most recent banner quote. I have no idea who Maggie is, but Scott Pilgrim, (Ziggy Stardust era) David Bowie and Conan OBrien's rather femmy Thor are all doing your homework:



If you're wondering why it looks like shit, it's because I got a new computer and OH MY GOD MS PAINT ON WINDOWS 7 SUUUUUCKS. AND THE FILL BUCKET DOESNT FILL IN ALL THE LINES AND I DON'T KNOW WHHYYYYY. Either way, I'm prolly gonna get photoshop cuz this sucks.

Moving on:

Trust me when I say that burning is probably the least of Tokyo's problems in this movie

Tokyo Gore Police, which CE discovered lurking in the bowels of Netflix, is that perfect gem of a bad movie that only comes around once in a blue moon: its plot is preposterous and hilarious, its budget nonexistent, its gore factor high, and, like most Japanese things, it is completely balls-to-the-wall insane. In short, it is glorious.

The kind of glorious that involves a pet gimp with machine guns for limbs

Our story (and I use that word with infinite looseness) takes place in the future of Tokyo, where the police are privatized and cheery ads for blades aimed at the suicidal are played on TV. It's a broad parody of Robocop in that way. Anyway, there are these crazy mutants called Engineers that are killing people and also, whenever you wound them, the wound turns into a weapon. They cut a guy's arm off, the stump turns into a chainsaw, lose an eye? Now it's an aiming scope. Some guy loses his...sensitive area?

Because it's no fun to let you draw your own conclusions

Our heroine, as it were, is the police's top Engineer hunter, a young woman named Ruka. She runs around dismembering people with swords and tries to get to the bottom of things. Whatever that means. This movie is insanely over the top, with enough spurting blood and crazy bullshit to make Quentin Tarantino want to say "tone it down!" It's all pretty much super fake and cheesy looking, but it's just on such a massive scale that it leaves an impression anyway. It's like anime in real life. Which is admittedly a terrifying thought.

And never once is there any sort of winking at the camera. Not when Ruka uses a rocket launcher as a boost, or when kids play soccer with some dude's head, or even when the main baddie powers up and uses his leg stumps, recently eviscerated by Ruka, as a means of upward propulsion. Yes, he uses his massive jets of blood spurting to fly. And never once are we supposed to question it.

Yep.

The equivalent to watching this movie: take a tab of acid then bludgeon yourself upside the head repeatedly with a frying pan while watching eighties sci-fi/slasher movies while a Japanese man screams at you.

And that is basically Tokyo Gore Police. For the majority of the movie I knew not whether to laugh or cry. This film defies the typical ratings scale. All I can say is, if you want something silly, bizarre, and nigh incomprehensible that may or may not be a softcore Japanese fetish film, then by all means, go watch Tokyo Gore Police. Otherwise, it's probably best to keep your sanity and run away screaming in the opposite direction.

This is Sugary Cynic, and she is delighted that Japan is still capably of frightening her deeply. 'Night!

CE: "It's basically Robocop on a zero budget crossed with Rule 34 come to life"

8 comments:

  1. I was wondering what I was going to be doing for the rest of the night. Tokyo Gore Police has provided. Although I feel like this should be watched on some sort of mind-altering substance.

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  2. ooh bit prickly! I have to watch this just have to!!!!

    Thanks Danger Mouse

    A

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  3. I am going to host a Tokyo Gore Police party, and everyone has to have various weapon-limbs. And I will serve blood, fingers, and dismembered heads. All Japanese, of course. Which will be easy to make happen because I live right next to the giant Asian grocery store here in Seattle. I AM SO FUCKING EXCITED. MEGAN WHY AREN'T YOU HERE SO I CAN INVITE YOU. I'M BLINDINGLY MAD!

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  4. I want to be this movie's aunt or something. Not it's mother, because it looks like a handful, but a distant cousin that drops in once in awhile to buy beer and blow shit up.

    *voice* I'M THOR!

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  5. Sam: this movie IS a mind-altering substance

    A: Happy viewing lol

    Abbie: I miiiiisss you. Come visit and we will have a Tokyo Gore Police party. Promise.

    Simon: That seems a wise decision. I'M THOOOR!

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