Thursday, May 12, 2011

Sugary Cynic's Summer Movie Breakdown

(Note: Last night this post was done and ready to go when Blogger crapped out, shortly followed by my internet. Sadness. I attempted to long-distance enlist CleverEuphemism to post it, when he informed me Blogger was down for everyone, like a bitch. An electronic bitch....Yeah. Anyway, here's last night's post)


So, I got an email in my inbox today from Marvel.com. I don't remember when or why I signed up for their mailing list but apparently I did. Anyway, the email read "Now That You've Seen Thor the Movie..." basically telling me that it was high time I read some Thor comic books. A. Not gonna happen, B. Back the hell up, how does Marvel.com know that I just saw Thor?



Spooky. Anywhoo, the summer months are a'comin'! Unless you're a Floridian like me, in which case, that bitch is here and making itself known by burning the bottoms of your feet the second you step outside at nine in the morning. Wheee, sunshine state! But, with this soul-shriveling heat comes the summer movie season! Here's my breakdown of what I'm looking forward to, and what looks like a pile of crap. My opinion matters because I have a blog on the internet.

Awesome things:

1. X-men First Class:



Holy hell this movie looks great. No stupid Jean-Wolverine-Cyclops love triangles, no Rogue angst, Professor X can still tap dance, it's gonna be sick. The cast is also great, James McAvoy and Michael Fassbinder clearly have good chemistry, even in the trailer it's obvious. This looks action-packed and awesome as hell.

2. Super 8:



This looks like ET if it was a horror movie. Or alternatively, Cloverfield if it wasn't shaky-cam'd crap. Dunno what else to say except that I'm really digging the tone of it so far.

3. Cowboys and Aliens:



People seem to be pretty down on this movie and I can't figure out why. I think it looks like a lot of fun. I mean, it's aliens fighting against cowboys, and the cowboys are James Bond, Indiana Jones and the really pretty doctor from House. And it's directed by the guy who did Iron Man. I don't see what the problem is.

4. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, part 2:



eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Stupid things:

1. Green Lantern:



I wanted to like this. Mostly for Ryan Reynolds. But I just can't bring myself to care. It doesn't help that the whole trailer seems to be a test to your suspension of disbelief. "Ok, CGI aliens, I can handle that. Ok, CGI suit, I guess I can handle that. Blake Lively with a brain stem, mmm, testing it. Wait...what the-"

That is the silliest thing I have ever-


And there goes any chance of me seeing this movie

2. Captain America



Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeh. Captain America in comic form never interested me, and the same holds true for the movie. Glad to see Tommy Lee Jones and Agent Smith getting some work again but that's it. And on a mildly unrelated note, this freaks me out:

It's clearly Chris Evans's head CGI'd onto some other dude's body but it just looks weird as hell to me

3. Cars 2:



*sound of me slamming my head repeatedly into a wall*


4. The Smurfs, Mr. Popper's Penguins, Conan the Barbarian, Priest, Transformers: Dark of the Suck, Bridesmaids, etc

Well, shit.

This is Sugary Cynic, dipping into the emergency movie-viewing fund. 'Night!

Jon: "So, Green Lantern?"

Me: "Meh"

Jon: "But, there's superheroes, and Ryan Reynolds! RYAN REYNOLDS!"

Me: "Meh! Besides, Cowboys and Aliens!"

Jon: "Meh"

Me: "What?! It's James Bond and Indiana Jones fighting aliens!!"

Jon: "Meh!"

25 comments:

  1. Did you change your name? Without consulting me!? WHAT THE FUCK!?

    They photoshopped Chris Evans body onto a twelve year old boy's body. Of course I'm seeing it. For Bucky, goddammit.

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  2. This confuses me.

    I already left a rather delightful comment, and I DON'T DO ENCORES YO.

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  3. Simon: blogger vomited on itself and died for the last two days. This post even erased temporarily, its also why my screenname kept changing. The post is back, but the comments are lost to time :(

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