Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Some Pun Involving The Word Thor aka "The Hammer Is My Penis"

Gotta love a Dr. Horrible reference (timely!)

Anyway, so yeah, finally saw Thor and was ok. Not mind-crushingly ball-blastingly awesome, nor crotch-crunchingly mind-numbingly bad. Just ok. And, that's ok, I guess?

I could crack some kind of pervy joke here, but every time I try I get lost in Chris Hemsworth's eyes.

So Thor is the most recent of several more Marvel films cropping up in a desperately speedy attempt to bring all the major heroes onto the big screen before the super-heroic-clusterfuck that is The Avengers movie comes out. And that means less time for character development and story pacing and way more time for OMG HAWKEYE GUYS! HE'S A HERO-DUDE, AND THEY MENTIONED BRUCE BANNER AND TONY STARK. I PEED COPIOUSLY AND CONTINUED TO DO SO WHEN NICK FURY SHOWED UP.

Or something like that.

What, like he doesn't make you pee copiously?

Anyway, our story begins in the magical land of Asgard, home of various Norse bad-asses such as Odin (Anthony Hopkins, who I don't think even reads scripts anymore, he pretty much has the same dialogue in every movie "I am wise and old and you are young and foolish blablawisdomblahanniballecterbla), Thor (played by the extremely sexy Chris Hemsworth), Loki (a leering little bastard played by Tom Hiddleston) and Thor's groupie warriors who I never bothered to learn the names of. So they had a war where they fought these frost giant dudes, and now they have a shaky truce threatened by the fact that Thor is arrogant, headstrong and on top of it, has a serious battle-boner. This gets him into trouble and as a result, his father banishes him to earth, where the wacky interactions begin!

I'm talkin' flannel and bonfire levels of wackiness

Thor crash lands on the car of Jane Foster, an astrophysicist or some such ridiculous bullshit played by Natalie Portman. She and her minion nerds, Kat Dennings playing a goofy intern and Stellan Skarsgard playing the one actual Scandinavian person in the whole damn movie. They are tracking sky phenomena when Thor slams into their jeep and Jane, prettiest astrophysicist in the history of the universe, takes one look at Thor's pretty blue eyes and turns into a prepubescent twit. Seriously, her character has no damn point. She's established as a quirky scientist and that shit's shaky as is because while Natalie Portman totally looks like a ballerina, a scientist, not so much. But when not spouting psuedo-science bs, she's tittering at Thor's muscled manliness like a thirteen year old girl. AND THAT'S ALL SHE DOES.

So Thor dicks around New Mexico for awhile with the gaggle of science nerds and they play up the various "fish out of water" gags. Thor doesn't know what coffee is! Thor doesn't understand cars or modern medicine! Oh that Thor!

But all is not well in Asgard. Odin goes into a coma because of...stuff, and Loki decides, through an overly-complicated series of events, to become a dickbag and seize power. Here's where I have issues. I don't know the Thor comics very well, admittedly, but I do have a vague knowledge of Norse mythology and isn't Loki supposed to be more fun? He's a trickster and a wacky little bastard. Evil, but entertaining. Hiddleston does fine as Loki but the character is all angsty and boring and seriousface. Laaaame.

Cheer up, Emo Kid

Sooooo, Thor eventually learns the valuable lesson of...something or other, Jane swoons awkwardly, some pretty sweet battles occur and Kenneth Branagh manages to credit himself at least three times. In case you forgot in between the opening and closing credits that he directed this film (he also smooshes "A Kenneth Branagh film" multiple times in the end credits).

Good things: Chris Hemsworth can act, guys! He emotes and everything! And he's hawt. The story moves along quickly and never feels like its dragging, the special effects are fantastic and the fight scenes are badass as hell!!

Bad things: Natalie Portman's character could have been portrayed by a house plant for all the difference it would have made. We never really get to know the human characters, and Thor's groupies are also woefully undeveloped. Thor's whole heel-face turn from butt-face to hero happens because why not?

Overall: Not a bad movie, definitely worth the cash plunked down to see it. Worth seeing again? Meh. Worth reccomending? Double meh. Thor mehs two and a half mehs out of meh.

This is Sugary Cynic, who will henceforth be referring to the Avengers movie as "Superhero Clusterfuck 2012" 'Night!

Thor: (walking into a pet shop) "I need a horse!"

Pet store dude: "...All we have are cats, dogs and lizards"

Thor: "Well then fetch me one large enough to ride!"


  1. I only went because I wanted to see Natalie Portman dancing naked...did I go to to the wrong movie?

  2. I like to think the pet store guy had a riding dog hidden in back, just in case this day ever came. How crestfallen he must've been when it was gone.

    When did they reference Bruce Banner?

  3. Skarsgaard mentioned a friend who was working on "gamma radiation..." but like the rest of us he's probably trying to forget both Hulk movies.

    I will now refer to "Avengers" as S-HC-F2012 in your honor...

  4. Jim: So much the wrong movie

    Simon: My greatest wish is now to see Chris Hemsworth ride like, a mastiff or a great dane. And Stellan Skarrsgard mentions a "a scientist who was working with gamma radiation" who he knew got mixed up with SHIELD.

    Yojimbo: Oh you said so too XD my bad lol. And also YEESSSS. It makes it sound like some kind of tactical weapon


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