Thursday, April 28, 2011

Sugary Cynic's Guide to Graduation

Hey guys, guess what? If you happen to possess the brain matter of a particularly slow carrot, you might not have noticed that I am on the precipice of graduating from college. Because gee, I only mention it about EVERY FLIPPIN POST BECAUSE MY LIFE IS A BLEAK EXISTENCE IN WHICH FREEDOM FROM ACADEMIA IS THE FAINT LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL.

So, ya know, no biggie. Anyway, in honor of me and my fellow nerds, here's the only guide you'll ever need to graduate from college! By which I mean how to go through the process of graduation, not getting your diploma. You're on your own there, sucker.


SUGARY CYNIC'S GUIDE TO GRADUMACATION, BECAUSE SOMEONE WHO HAS NOT YET GRADUATED FROM COLLEGE CLEARLY KNOWS BEST



So, you're graduating! Good on you, ya nerd! Well to graduate you're going to need to spend exactly three kidneys and half a spleen on a cap and gown you will wear exactly once in your entire fucking life. Isn't that great? SO GREAT. If you're lucky, your school will be properly supplied with sizes from Hobbit to Shaquille O'Neal. But not your size. They will never have your size.

And then there are the mortar board hat things. No matter how cool you are, or how awesome you look regularly, the second that hat goes on, you will look like a giant dipstick.



Seriously, everyone does.

EVERYONE


...There are of course exceptions to every rule

Anyway, if your school is anything like mine, it will be incredibly vague as to what attire is proper to wear under your gown, if any at all, leaving you free to interpret their rules as you see fit:



The school also has little to say on the modification of cap and gowns, which since we were only half-listening to you anyway, we've decided that means "do whatever the hell you want." So don't go to graduation in a gown that's drab, make the bitch fab!



And if your graduation's anything like mine, you'll be needing that secret flask pocket! See, we have two graduations, our own special nerd-campus one, and the one at the main campus that EVERYONE goes to. It takes roughly two presidential terms to get through, so try to make a game of it to pass the time! Take those flasks and take a drink:

-When there are multiple of the same last names in a row

-Every time a student trips on the way

-When someone's last name is mispronounced

-Every time you wished to God you hadn't let the dean guilt you into going to the stupid main graduation with all these herds of idiots.

It'll be done in no time!

And now it's time for our graduation among our own nerdy kind. You might be tempted to play that silly game with the beach ball tossing dealie. That is a tired cliche. Shake it up a bit, make it interesting!



And now, oh holy of holies, you get your diploma from your professor! While the quick handshake is traditional, feel free to try other things, such as hugs, fist bumps, high-fives, etc. However, some things ARE outside the bounds of propriety...



And you did it! You have completed the graduation process! But where do you go from here? Well, that should be obvious:



Happy graduating!

12 comments:

  1. Sean does make anything look good.
    I like the flame gown, almost wizardy!

    Now get drunk!!!!!

    A

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  2. I expect drunk posts to follow this up.

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  3. ... what, in the world, is an "uppy"? O_o what are you dern whippersnappers coming up with these days? XD

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  4. Now...the fun begins :) Work!

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  5. Sugary,
    Lets have a drink and celebrate.
    xoxo
    Jessica

    ReplyDelete
  6. Buying them bitches is pretty hard, but try selling them some day. WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T HAVE MY SIZE I DROVE ALL THIS WAY JUST TO FIND OUT YOU DON'T HAVE IT AND CONSIDERING IT'S FIVE WEEKS UNTIL GRADUATION I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW I'M GOING TO GET IT AND THIS IS CLEARLY YOUR FAULT, RETAIL RHESUS MACAQUE.

    ReplyDelete
  7. A number of things.

    1) You and I reacted very differently towards the end of college. Then again, I apparently didn't face the trauma you did your senior year. =P

    2)When it comes to colleges and graduation they like to take up that "without condemning or condoning" space. You would think someone like you would understand that. ;) And that only helps prove my theory on how we all strive to be big, well hung, blue men.

    3) I want uppies.

    4) Who do you know that wears whitey tighties?

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  8. hahahhahaha! congrats! can't wait to see a pic of you in your cap and gown ;-)

    ReplyDelete
  9. Graduation sounds super cool and all. I mean, look at you. The picture of post-bondage glee. You. Free from education on anything but nunchucks, because that's all there is to the real world. Nunchucks.

    You know what you should do? You should FOR TOTES help me on my Nikola Tesla paper. FOR TOTES.

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  10. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XMjgSkfQPSY&feature=related

    When you graduate you need to do this...

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  11. A: If I only I actually knew how to sew flames on a gown :(

    Unwashed: After actual graduation you'll prolly get your wish

    Teppy: Pretty much all the toddlers I know, when they wanted to be picked up reach up and go "uppie! I wanna go uppie!"

    Mary: ...wheeee

    Jessica: Thanks :)

    Noli: (pats on head) I know, I know. There, there, the stupid people can't hurt you here.

    CE: As I may have previously mentioned, I will buy a pack of tighty-whiteys so I can wear a pair on my head post-graduation. And not every situation pertains to Dr. Manhattan! NO UPPIES FOR YOU

    Abbie: See above :p

    Pamela: I will look sufficiently classy

    Simon: I AM SO GODDAMN CLOSE. AND THEN I WILL WATCH ALL THE MISFITS AND I WILL WRITE YOU A PAPER ON THEM :D

    Ameer: ohmygoshyes!

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