Hey guys, guess what? If you happen to possess the brain matter of a particularly slow carrot, you might not have noticed that I am on the precipice of graduating from college. Because gee, I only mention it about EVERY FLIPPIN POST BECAUSE MY LIFE IS A BLEAK EXISTENCE IN WHICH FREEDOM FROM ACADEMIA IS THE FAINT LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL.
So, ya know, no biggie. Anyway, in honor of me and my fellow nerds, here's the only guide you'll ever need to graduate from college! By which I mean how to go through the process of graduation, not getting your diploma. You're on your own there, sucker.
SUGARY CYNIC'S GUIDE TO GRADUMACATION, BECAUSE SOMEONE WHO HAS NOT YET GRADUATED FROM COLLEGE CLEARLY KNOWS BEST
So, you're graduating! Good on you, ya nerd! Well to graduate you're going to need to spend exactly three kidneys and half a spleen on a cap and gown you will wear exactly once in your entire fucking life. Isn't that great? SO GREAT. If you're lucky, your school will be properly supplied with sizes from Hobbit to Shaquille O'Neal. But not your size. They will never have your size.
And then there are the mortar board hat things. No matter how cool you are, or how awesome you look regularly, the second that hat goes on, you will look like a giant dipstick.
Seriously, everyone does.
Anyway, if your school is anything like mine, it will be incredibly vague as to what attire is proper to wear under your gown, if any at all, leaving you free to interpret their rules as you see fit:
The school also has little to say on the modification of cap and gowns, which since we were only half-listening to you anyway, we've decided that means "do whatever the hell you want." So don't go to graduation in a gown that's drab, make the bitch fab!
And if your graduation's anything like mine, you'll be needing that secret flask pocket! See, we have two graduations, our own special nerd-campus one, and the one at the main campus that EVERYONE goes to. It takes roughly two presidential terms to get through, so try to make a game of it to pass the time! Take those flasks and take a drink:
-When there are multiple of the same last names in a row
-Every time a student trips on the way
-When someone's last name is mispronounced
-Every time you wished to God you hadn't let the dean guilt you into going to the stupid main graduation with all these herds of idiots.
It'll be done in no time!
And now it's time for our graduation among our own nerdy kind. You might be tempted to play that silly game with the beach ball tossing dealie. That is a tired cliche. Shake it up a bit, make it interesting!
And now, oh holy of holies, you get your diploma from your professor! While the quick handshake is traditional, feel free to try other things, such as hugs, fist bumps, high-fives, etc. However, some things ARE outside the bounds of propriety...
And you did it! You have completed the graduation process! But where do you go from here? Well, that should be obvious: