Sunday, April 3, 2011

The Day the Movies Died

When I sat down tonight to piece together another tidbit of awesomeness for all youto enjoy I decided to peruse the news stories of the day, and that is when I came across this:

That scream you heard, if not felt, at approximately 11pm eastern time was CleverEuphemism dying on the inside by using his outside voice to alert the world.

After reading that article I couldn’t possibly piece together a coherent review of a movie. How could I? Clearly this is the end of days… or at least the end of the film industry as we know it. This is the end my friends, and we are all watching the celluloid burn frame by frame. In a way, we are all complicit.

Tastes like buuuuuuuurning. *Keels over, grabbing for stomach*

But to be honest, there have been other signs of this film apocalypse. Here I will show you some of the tell-tale signs we should have seen and acted upon much earlier.

Burning Bright is a film about a dad who buys a tiger, and decides to keep it in the basement of his house, which is always a genius idea. But then you add in a Katrina-like hurricane, and a developmentally challenged son, and a teenage daughter into the mix, well you get this:

Oh yeah….that trailer kills my already dead inside just a bit more.

Then we get this film C Me Dance. Yeah, you know this movie is in trouble when it uses “C” as word. But the odd thing is?... well, this movie seemingly has less to do with dancing than it does with crucifixion. No, really…

I have a feeling the devil character pulls it all together with his gibberish.

But truly this, this is the worst of all. Bad sci-fi storytelling mixed with bad graphics….

Hey… wait a minute….

Maybe things aren’t so bad after all. I mean, I could always just go back to watching the classics. An adventure unlike anything on your planet . . . the story of a boy, a girl, and a universe.


  1. Could they make Star Wars seem more boring?

  2. Carrie Underwood is starring in a remake of His Girl Friday.

  3. Nicole: Yes, they did it over the span of Episodes 1-3.

    Simon: What's a Carrie Underwood?

  4. I ran across a blog a few weeks ago that tracks all of the remakes currently in the works. Whether they be old TV shows that stopped running for a reason, or films, Hollywood is definitely suffering from a pandemic of brain injuries.

    I blame all those reality TV shows and Playboy Centerfold contracts that promised "a role in an upcoming big budget film production" as part of the prize package... Clearly, those roles are all being pawned off on "development."

    I think it's safe to say the next few years will be awesome for movie goers who also suffer from memory loss (those that actually believe it's "cool and hip" to hang out at Taco Bell at 4 a.m. will do also be a happy bunch...)

    The rest of us are f**ked!

  5. Young lady Star Wars is part of my heritage in so many ways. True on paper its awful but it simply just works, so there. Apart from this minor problem great post as ever (i will continue to read you anyway)

  6. uh, Chaz, not to deride your point but CleverEuphemism did this one, and while he may have the sensibilities of darling young woman, he's big ol' dude XD



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