Thursday, April 28, 2011
So, ya know, no biggie. Anyway, in honor of me and my fellow nerds, here's the only guide you'll ever need to graduate from college! By which I mean how to go through the process of graduation, not getting your diploma. You're on your own there, sucker.
SUGARY CYNIC'S GUIDE TO GRADUMACATION, BECAUSE SOMEONE WHO HAS NOT YET GRADUATED FROM COLLEGE CLEARLY KNOWS BEST
So, you're graduating! Good on you, ya nerd! Well to graduate you're going to need to spend exactly three kidneys and half a spleen on a cap and gown you will wear exactly once in your entire fucking life. Isn't that great? SO GREAT. If you're lucky, your school will be properly supplied with sizes from Hobbit to Shaquille O'Neal. But not your size. They will never have your size.
And then there are the mortar board hat things. No matter how cool you are, or how awesome you look regularly, the second that hat goes on, you will look like a giant dipstick.
Seriously, everyone does.
Anyway, if your school is anything like mine, it will be incredibly vague as to what attire is proper to wear under your gown, if any at all, leaving you free to interpret their rules as you see fit:
The school also has little to say on the modification of cap and gowns, which since we were only half-listening to you anyway, we've decided that means "do whatever the hell you want." So don't go to graduation in a gown that's drab, make the bitch fab!
And if your graduation's anything like mine, you'll be needing that secret flask pocket! See, we have two graduations, our own special nerd-campus one, and the one at the main campus that EVERYONE goes to. It takes roughly two presidential terms to get through, so try to make a game of it to pass the time! Take those flasks and take a drink:
-When there are multiple of the same last names in a row
-Every time a student trips on the way
-When someone's last name is mispronounced
-Every time you wished to God you hadn't let the dean guilt you into going to the stupid main graduation with all these herds of idiots.
It'll be done in no time!
And now it's time for our graduation among our own nerdy kind. You might be tempted to play that silly game with the beach ball tossing dealie. That is a tired cliche. Shake it up a bit, make it interesting!
And now, oh holy of holies, you get your diploma from your professor! While the quick handshake is traditional, feel free to try other things, such as hugs, fist bumps, high-fives, etc. However, some things ARE outside the bounds of propriety...
And you did it! You have completed the graduation process! But where do you go from here? Well, that should be obvious:
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
It must be Night Breakfast time again.
Anyway, I ain't here tonight, I'm over at If I Had A Blog, showcasin' my "artistic talents" with The Widow Lady. Insanity abounds. Go check it out!! NOW.
That's it for here. For realsies.
(At the night breakfast)
Me: "Gimmee Ashley's phone or I'll pour these Nerds down your shirt!"
Chris: "I dare you!"
Me: *pours the box of candy down the back of his shirt*
Chris: "AGh! What...why...I can't move my back or it'll-" *leans forward* "AAAAHHH, THEY'RE ALL FALLING INTO MY PANTS"
Monday, April 25, 2011
Oh who am I kidding?
The Internet: Contributing to My Lowering Sense of Self-Worth Since Early Last Year
So...I finished editing my thesis!
There's still going to be secondary edits, and then the hell of getting it signed and bound (BOUND, for fucking reals) and then finals, and THEN, AND THEN-
And I will be free!! Free to watch movies with reckless abandon! Free to get a full-time job with which to pay for the watching of movies with reckless abandon! Free to have adventures and live life to the fullest!!
Yes. Exactly like that...Only without the torture and death. And more lying around in my pajamas!
Also more time to actually network and junk so as to accrue more followers for my blogamajig. *Gazes sadly at the sidebar*
WHY DID YOU HAVE TO LEAVE MEEEE?!? ALL I WANTED WAS 100 FOLLOWERS!!!
I'm ok now. Mostly. Ish. Here's another silly picture of Li'l Cynic infringing on reality:
Huh, so this kinda turned into one of my old-style rambling-about-nothing posts. Better than no post, right? Right??
This is Sugary Cynic, saying "Your face is insecure!" 'Night!
(The most nerdy and horrible text conversation)
CE: "Check my facebook"
Me: "It says you're in a domestic partnership with...Riker from Star Trek?! You slut!
Me: "He's got like, space herpes!"
CE: "You're mean"
Me: "I'm mean cuz I'm trying to protect you from intergalactic crotch lice?"
He's apparently very sensitive about his relationship with Riker...
Sunday, April 24, 2011
So, nothing awe-inspiring to state tonight, here's this thing, it would amuse me if you decided to caption it:
Also, I got dragged to the school's Spring Formal by my roommate on pain of death because I've never bothered to go. This year they were all fancy and got us a ballroom thingy in a hotel with limos and such, which is rather a large change from last year, which was a large tent in the middle of the rec field.
Hooray for appropriate use of student fees! (And also ridin in a limo and feelin like a boss)
Anyway, if I have to be miserable (ie, in a dress, heels and make-up) I intend to drag all others in my vicinity down with me. So CleverEuphemism came along too, because he got all excited about having an excuse for dressing up fancy. He enjoys dressing up fancy almost as much as he enjoys forcing me to ride It's A Small World at Disney.
We were some fancy-ass mofo's.
...I might have had fun. Just a little bit. Tiny, almost immeasurably small increments of fun.
And that's all there is to report. Except the pile of crap that needs to get done before I graduate, but God knows you guys must be sick of hearing about it.
TWO MORE WEEKS :D
see you guys soon, after I climb out from this mountain of paper-esque materials. 'Night!
(At Formal, Jasmine wore a rather revealing dress)
Jasmine: "I feel like my boobs are kinda exposed"
Me: "Whoah! Check out your boobs!"
Jasmine: "D:< SHUT-UP, I don't think the whole line of people heard you"
Me: "You mean heard me talking about JASMINE'S AWESOME BOOBS?!"
Jasmine: "I hate you"
Me: "I am going to form an exploratory committee to check out those boobs"
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
(Conversation between me and the boydude over text)
CE: "Woot has the most random thing ever"
Me: "If you are referring to Heli-Batman, then that is the greatest thing I have ever seen"
CE: "Yes I am"
Me: "How can you not love that?"
CE: "I said "random", nothing bad. :p"
Me: "I want an army of them (crazy eyes)"
Me: "Nerd with a flying batman army, thankyouverymuch"
Me: "You say that now"
CE: "Yes I do"
Me: "But soon you will grovel with the rest when my batman army reduces cities to rubble"
CE: "[unlikely tag goes here]"
Me: "Pfft. Nonbeliever"
Me: "Enjoy being my sexy cabana boy after I take over the world"
CE: "But I dun waaaaaannnnaaaa"
Me: "YOU WILL BE MY SEXY CABANA BOY AND YOU WILL LIKE IT"
it gets a bit heated and graphic after that.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
I am so over this whole school dealie. I'm not even that afraid of the real world anymore (that's a lie) because right now I just wanna finish and be done with it. Also I am going to find a way to draw flames on my graduation gown >:D
In the meantime, instead of doing work, I'm having fun doing crap like this:
Anyway, some time ago I asked you guys to ask me silly questions on Formspring. You succeeded in making me giggle a bit and here were some of my favorite questions paired with my
Q. Florida: Hot or Motherfucking Hot?
A. Motherfucking balls hot, yo
Q. Alors...ca va?
A. eh, comme ci, comme ca
Q. What is love
A. baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more
Q. Think you could introduce me to Batman?
A. Only if you bring some taffy. Batman ADORES taffy.
Q. Momma, where do blogs come from?
A. well, when a man or woman loves the internet very much and doesn't have a large circle of friends, they decide for some reason that their opinions matter and are interesting to others.
Q. Do you like my penis?
A. No. Not even a little bit.
And there you have it. I now return to my lair of papers and occasional weeping. Ok, maybe more than occasional. This is Sugary Cynic, and I have run out of witty rejoinders. 'Night!
In lieu of a funny quote, here is the most disturbing thing I have seen in quite some time:
There are literally dozens of these commercials. And they are all HORRIFIYING.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Thank you for you time.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
So yeah, two days...I was kidnapped by Mongol warlord pirates from another dimension but it's cool because in that dimension Sean Connery's also a pirate lord and can shoot lasers out of his butt so with his help I defeated the Mongols, leaping through the dimensional rift just before it closed and exploded in a fiery inferno of death.
Ok then. I had symposium the first day (it went pretty awesomely so that's cool) and then the second day...um. It's CE's fault. Because it's easy to blame him on the internet. And because that bastard got me hooked on Six Feet Under. Which is amazing. Dammit. I don't have time for this shit, I got finals.
So there's admittedly not much of a post here either but I'd feel like a bad person if I went three days without updating. BECAUSE I HAVE SUCH AN IMPORTANT BLOG, YO. CAN'T KEEP MY LEGIONS OF FANS HANGING LIKE THAT.
To make up for my egregious mistake, here's a penguin being tickled. It is somehow both adorable and unsettling.
Yeah. Bye now.
(I'll be back tomorrow with actual, ya know, content and stuff)
Thursday, April 14, 2011
But I do get to dress all fancified and this too:
Also, this means I'm almost done with my accursed thesis and senior year! ...wait, that means I'm that much closer to the real world, doesn't it? O.O
(huddles in a fetal position and breathes into a brown bag for a little while)
Ok, I'm better. Anyway, a couple things: 1. I finally hit 100 followers!!! Thanks to the rather ominously named Dr. Blood for putting me over the top! So yeah, combined I gots (counts on fingers...counts on toes...gives up) 404 followers! Holy shit that's a lot!
Overlap! You keep forgetting your different outlets have a lot of the same peo-
You shut up now and let me enjoy this!! I DON'T ENJOY MUCH!
Fine, fine, whatever. Loser.
You're just jealous because you're not me.
...waittaminute that doesn't-
Moving on! I have what will hopefully be a new running dealie on the blog, I made a Formspring! For those who live in cold bastions of nontechnologicalness, Formspring is a site where you ask the person anonymous random questions about whatever and they answer it. I has one now. Feel free to participate in what I'm calling "Ask A Stupid Question, Get A Bitchy Answer" silliest and most intriguing questions will be posted on the blog.
Get to it!
Other stuff: Remember over the summer when I got all fangirly over the incredibly awesome and terrifying new take on Mortal Kombat?
Now it's a web series called Mortal Kombat: Legacy. And here's the crazy part. It's GOOD. Really good. And still has Michael Jai White in it as Jacks! :D
There's only one episode yet, but it seems very promising to an MK nerd like myself:
For all of you who don't care or have never heard of Mortal Kombat...screw you. This is my blog.
Anywhoo, I gotta get back to polishin' up my presentation for Friday. In the meantime, please enjoy this thing that I only recently discovered. Sean Connery was in Macbeth!
He can be my thane of Cawdor anytime.
This is Sugary Cynic, waiting for more questions about Batman. 'Night!
Travis: "So does your thesis have a sexy title?"
Me: "I dunno, it's called 'Fearful Symmetry: Using William Blake to Contextualize Alan Moore's Watchmen'"
Travis and Kristina: "Ooh! Sexy!"
Me: "...I guess the phrase 'fearful symmetry' is kinda sexy"
Kristina: "And contextualize! That's a very sexy word"
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Don’t tell those people, ‘cause they are rather happy about the whole thing.
CleverEuphemism here, and you doubt me? Well, try this on for size: One of the most likeable characters in the show, and really the one touchstone all the characters share, Nathaniel Fisher Sr., dies about 5 minutes into the series. In a way it is his death that catapults the series forward. And how does Nathaniel handle it?
Yes that is him, played by Richard Jenkins, sitting on top of the funeral limo in quite the outfit at his own funeral.
The show winds up challenging your perception of life and death and blurs the line between the binary, while also complicating the discussion about it. The series also tackles how a plethora of cultures, both within the US, but also around the world, all deal with death differently.
Not that Americans exactly think of death in the most serious of terms all the time anyway
Generally the show opens with a scene of some unknown character dying in some unique fashion. In the course of the 60+ episodes of the series we see people die from: sticking their head out of a sunroof of a limo, autoerotic asphyxiation, and a personal favorite: a woman stopping her car in the middle of a highway and running into traffic thinking it was the rapture because she saw naked, inflatable anatomically correct blow-up dolls float up towards the heavens out of the back of a porno van. Yeah.
If this is what the rapture does to your face count me out.
Now, the whole dying thing takes up only a small portion of the show. I mean, we get a whole bounty of television goodness. Characters deal with drug issues. High school drama is present, as if there is any other kind. We also lay witness to what is probably the most dysfunctional family in the history of filmed art. And there are a handful of well-known performers that come and go during the run of the show including Rainn Wilson, Kathy Bates, and James Cromwell.
When I die, make sure he isn’t my mortician please.
Oh yeah, and there is one thing that I didn’t mention yet. One thing that a lot of people here tend to watch HBO and other such premium channels for. Gay sex between emotionally unavailable morticians soon to be serial-killers? I mean, I think it goes without saying really. Who doesn’t want to watch serial-killer Dexter (also known as Michael C. Hall) make out with some black dude?
Honestly, I could never get into Dexter after watching Michael C. Hall as an emotionally unstable twink for 5 seasons.
There is male-on-female action too. I mean, this is still HBO we are talking about, but come on male-on-female? That is soooooo overplayed, amirite or what?!
Anyway, I admit, part of this post is to convince the local Cynic to cave and start to watch this show, ‘cause she should. But, really, you should too. The DVDs are plentiful and to be had. Or, if you know how to work the internet, you can watch it streaming (just not on Netflix, just run a search).
And I learned countless things from this show, very important life lessons:
So remember kids, shave your balls.
I do warn you all one thing though. When I started watching this show on DVD a few years back I got hooked and wound up watching all 5 seasons worth in about… 3 weeks. Yeah, the show became my life for a brief moment. It’s addicting, and glorious.
CleverEuphemism bidding you adieu and bidding you all good watching.
[Nate and Brenda discussing a couple o’ kids]
Nate: There’s something weird about twins, well these twins anyway.
Brenda: They’re cute.
Nate: They smell like bananas.
Monday, April 11, 2011
So Hanna was a movie who's progression could best be described as:
Hanna tells the story of the titular teenaged girl, played by Saoirse Ronan, who lives in the woods with her German Daddy, Erik, played by Eric Bana, who I generally like to nickname Eric Banal but he's pretty good here. Anyway, they live in the woods and he raises her to be this little efficient killing-machine, full of a random variety of facts and information as well as fighting and survival tehchniques but kind of useless at blending in as a normal human being. What is Daddy Erik training Hanna for? Good question. The answer is "something something evil CIA woman who wants to kill you if she knew you existed so you have to kill her first something something you're special something" Yeah. Enter the villain, Marissa Wiegler, played by Cate Blanchett, in a wildly uneven southern accent that shifts from nonexistent to Yosemite Sam at a moment's notice.
So when Hanna decides she is ready to rock, Erik reveals their presence to the CIA, leaving Hanna to do her work and promising to meet with her in Berlin. Hanna is captured, escapes, and runs.
and has a lovely interlude where she meets up with a wacky British family on holiday composed of two precocious kids (the pop-culture obsessed and sarcastic but incredibly sweet daughter is funny as hell when juxtaposed against quiet, matter-of-fact Hanna), and the parents are the teacher everyone fancied in Rushmore and the ginger gangster from every Guy Ritchie movie ever.
and then runs some more.
All to the tune of some interesting atmospheric techno by The Chemical Brothers. Not as good as Daft Punk though. Just saying. The thing about Hanna is that the beginning is very tight, we have a lot of questions but the story is moving, the plot is engaging and everything is very claustrophobic. Once Hanna and the Brits leave the close walls of Morocco (it's complicated) and enter the open country the movie seems to get lost and devolve into running with brief pauses for cool fight scenes and an ultimately unsatisfying and inconclusive finale.
-There is a terrifying villain in the form of Tom Hollander's flamboyant and threatening German nightclub owner who murders people on the side for Cate Blanchett. Never have I been so freaked out by someone in a pale yellow tracksuit:
But his character is never explored, motivations left unknown and he is never really utilized. Similarly, we never see what becomes of a whole host of characters, I guess we're supposed to assume they're dead but the movie is too busy showing Hanna run.
-There is also the whole "fairytale" angle everyone keeps talking about but to me the movie didn't seem very married to the idea of it as a Grimm fairytale. It's just a thriller peppered with bits of symbolism and imagery that sort of kind of allude to fairytales instead of actually, I dunno making connections or explaining things. Like, Blanchett's character has this weird thing with brushing her teeth til they bleed and we're supposed to go "she's evil! and teeth-focused! She's like the Wolf or something and now she has blood on her teeth-SYMBOLIC, YO"
It just feels lazy is all. Like if they stylize it enough, make all their visual choices look deep they somehow become deep. Not so much. After the first hour, Hanna flounders and never really gets back on course.
Final words: Hanna is by no means a bad film. It is well-acted, well-scored and the cinematography is really incredible, there are some amazing shots. But it's creepy without ever doing anything with it, tense without ever giving any more than a subtext of a reason for the tension, it quickly becomes tedious and the ending leaves you with more questions than anything else. Hanna stabs its way to two and a half catapults out of five.
One last thing: Roger Ebert made an interesting point in his review of Hanna where he compared her to Hit Girl from Kick-Ass, commenting on the inherent creepiness of the girl-child murder-machine. It's admittedly kind of fetish-y and he makes the point of asking "what would people say if it was a 16 year old boy killing bitches instead?" I'm not really going anywhere with this, just something to think about.
Anyway, this is Sugary Cynic, keeping an eye out for awkward blonde waifs who might try to snap my neck. 'Night!
CleverEuphemism: "What helps me like the movie more is imagining Saoirse Ronan is playing Briony from Atonement and all the bad guys wanna kill her cuz she's such a bitch"
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Anyway, Jon played Sir Toby Belch, drunk uncle to a Countess who swordfights, flirts with maids, drinks, sings, tortures the steward, drinks and is occasionally witty. And drinks. He had fun.
I'm almost there. I have a symposium presentation on Friday, which is basically just me standing in uncomfortable business attire in front of a powerpoint with various watchmen comics on it going "please...please care. I know it's about comics and therefore silly, but...but I'm wearing pantsuit for fuck's sake, that counts for something, doesn't it? No? ...All right then"
In the meantime, good things:
I'm seeing Hanna tomorrow, which looks bitching:
So expect a review tomorrow night. CE is a bit less psyched about it, but I think it's mostly because of his blood vendetta against Saoirse Ronan
And also the fact that they finally picked a director for the Deadpool movie and Ryan Reynolds is still attached to star!! :D Miracles CAN happen when you believe!!
Whassat? The director they chose is a visual effects artist with absolutely no directing experience who did pretty pictures for the previous x-men movies?
*sniffle* I never believed in miracles anyway.
Umm, a different good thing! Uhhh...They're making a live-action Mortal Kombat digital series? ...no. That's not a good thing at all...Oh! Ra's Al Ghul is back in the next Batman movie!
Oh wait, he's only coming back via flashback and is played by Josh Pence, aka Tyler Winklevoss's torso in The Social Network.
...Well shit. I give up.
This is Sugary Cynic, retreating to the Sulk Cave til further notice (it's like the Batcave but with more whining. Unless Bruce is feeling particularly vulnerable. Then it's about the same amount). 'Night!
Val: (texted to me) "Quote of the day: Michael Caine is pretty much a cross between Morgan Freeman and Sean Connery, but with less punching"
Friday, April 8, 2011
I'll be honest, I was kinda iffy on this one. Just not all that interested, this was mostly CleverEuphemism's thing. But I need some time to remind myself that there is in fact a functioning world outside my Thesis Cave, so I went with him to go see it. And it was actually pretty awesome.
So Source Code gives us an extremely confused protagonist named Colter Stevens, a soldier stationed in Afghanistan who somehow ends up on a train in Chicago and is not Colter Stevens at all but Sean Fentress, a teacher on his way to work with a pretty girl named Christina, played by Michelle Monaghan. Everything seems normal (for someone having a this-is-not-my-body experience) until the train esplodes.
Colter rockets awake to find himself in a weird sort of capsule, confused and frightened. A woman on a com screen tells him that he needs to find the bomber of the train. Bit by bit Colter manages to tease information out of this woman, named Goodwin (Vera Farmiga). There was a horrible train accident, through some magical sci-fi bullshit known as the Source Code, Colter can relive eight minutes before the accident in the body of one of the victims (this Sean fellow). His mission: identify the bomber so that he can be apprehended in real life before he strikes again. What follows is a tight, tense thriller as Colter Groundhog Days his way through the train explosion, while at the same time trying to find out how and why he ended up as the Source Code Monkey and what Goodwin and her sinister boss, Dr. Rutledge (Jeffrey Wright) the creator of the Source Code, are hiding from him.
Source Code, while being filled to the brim with enough magical bullshit science to make even the most unscientific (that would be me) cringe, is a tight, fast-paced thriller that keeps you guessing and keeps you interested. It's a neat premise and is kind of similar to Mini-David Bowie's other film Moon in what it says about people being used and such. It's less straight sci-fi than Moon and more commercial-y but it's still really good. If I had to pick a bone with it, it'd be the ending. Without spoiling anything, it would have been pretty powerful and awesome if it handed ended five minutes before it actually did. The ending's still not terrible, but it really could have been better.
Overall, Source Code is very edge-of-your-seat tense and the scenes that take place outside the train-world are deeply interesting and mysterious. Jake Gyllenhaal proves to me again that he is more than just really pretty and hits it out of the park. You really feel for his character and want him to find some kind of happy ending. Basically, if you're willing to put up with some ridiculous psuedo-science, you are in for a good time. Source Code goes back in time to make me give it three and half catapults out of five (would've been four if they'd fixed the ending).
This is Sugary Cynic, who, between this movie, Unstoppable and The Taking of Pelham 123, has decided to stay the hell away from trains. 'Night!
Dr. Rutledge: "It's an alternate timeline that does not affect this one. If you did call me, I'd never get it. You could send me a pizza for all I care"