Sunday, March 6, 2011

Streets of Fire (An Aneurysm's Worth of 80's)

Hey internet, by the time you read this (unless you read several hours after I post it, I suppose) I will be on the road to the Happiest Place on Earth once more. Yes, that's right, I will be revisiting the land of the Mouse looking to settle a score with it once more.

It's on

And when I say a few hours, I do mean a few hours. The boydude (I guess I can just refer to him as CleverEuphemism now or something. But that's a lot of letters), anyway he wants to get up at like, four in the morning before making the drive. I told him go for it but expect this for the ensuing twelve or so hours afterward:

Little known fact: I turn into adorable Asian children when I'm asleep. Crazy, I know.

As you know, hotel wifi costs an arm, a leg and several organs, you won't be hearing from me til about Thursday because Wednesday I'll be in some kind of Disney coma. So yeah, savor this post. SAAAAAVOOOORRRR IIIIIITTTTT. In the meantime, let's take a look at the neon 80's leather-clad monstrosity that is Streets of Fire.

I still haven't been able to figure out what the fable is. Possibly making sure you have a serious head wound before watching the movie

Ok so Streets of Fire is like Rent in that it is a rock-opera...thing, but not like Rent in that it doesn't make me weep gently in a corner and instead of being about the bohemian spirit or something stupid like that, it's about guns, fast cars, and Willem Dafoe dressing like the love child of Freddie Mercury and Eddie Munster:

And you hoped I was kidding.

But he is only a minor focus. From the director that brought us The Warriors and 48 Hours comes a story that follows Tom Cody, played Michael Pare. Tom's a shifty loner-type, who has come home to his dystopian neon 80's craphole of a city because his ex-girlfriend/rockstar Ellen Aim (played by Diane Lane) has been kidnapped in what is an admittedly awesome opener:

The songs are 80's-tastic but in the best way, like a Meatloaf soundtrack. It's pretty sweet. Less so is the random-ass storyline of Cody attempting to rescue his old flame from Dafoe's pale leather-daddy gang leader with the help of a doo-wop group, voice-actress E.G. Daily, and a sleazy Rick Moranis, to name a few.

Clearly, he's playing against type

It's all very stylized and very silly. It hits hard and fast doesn't waste time on superfluous things like "why is this character doing this? Who the hell is that? Why are they here now? Are those leather overalls? WTF?" The acting is cheesy but the songs are really awesome in an 80's anthem-y sort of way. It culminates in a final fight between Tom and Raven (that would be Dafoe) where it's not who wins that's important, but what's going on with Dafoe's face that is:

For some, this alone is worth it

So check it out, you will have fun watching it, I promise. Streets of Fire rocks its way to two and a half catapults out of five. This is Sugary Cynic saying, "Yeah, that's totally Diane Lane singing" See ya in a few days!

Raven: "Well, it looks like I finally found someone who likes to play as rough as I do"


  1. Diane Lane sang in LAG, The Fabulous Stains, so I don't have to see this 80s nonsense. Can I somehow just piece together Willem Dafoe's parts?

  2. Would it make me seem even weirder if I said I saw this in a theater, during it's opening run! Late show, 4 people in the theater, 3 of us came in together. The fourth person has probably gone on to criminal infamy, who knows...

    You're the first person to ever mention this film that I know of... This flick was so strange, it puts German porn into perspective... You have to love it, (or I heard Michael Pare comes to your house to sleep on your sofa.) Anyway, since you you've seen this, you're now ready for, "A Boy and His Dog." It's got a barely pubescent Don Johnson...

  3. I loved the warriors but missed this one. Warriors come out to playyyy classic. Making me feel old though ;)

  4. Funny stuff. I've seen Streets of Fire a couple of times and always wanted to warm to it because it's an 80s movie but I just can't get into it. I just don't think I like Michael Pare's acting abilities.

  5. Simon: Seek out youtube and you shall be delivered

    Paul: You had me at Don Johnson. Even though it was the last thing you said. Whatever.

    baldychaz: Check it out, it's painfully amusing

    Dan: See, that implies that Michael Pare HAS acting ability

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  10. OK, first of all, this movie is awesome (in the cheesiest, most terrible way possible)! I've seen it a ton of times, and grew up watching it many times :) Also - Diane Lane doesn't actually sing in it - she is lip synching, and her songs were provided by the band Fire, Inc (no, seriously). I might have the soundtrack, too.


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