Monday, March 14, 2011

D-War Or Mystery Science Theater 3000, The Home Edition

ok so there's this movie called D-War, right? It's pretty much the worst film that I have ever seen in my life. It's sort of about evil dragons monsters, and these two bland white people who are for some reason the chosen ones and things that don't make sense keep happening, and there's no story, no characterization and the effects are terrible. And what's worse is that I saw it in theaters, dragged by my brother who thought it would be the kind of bad where you laugh your ass off and listen to celebrated actors like Jeremy Irons say things like



But no. It's not like that. It is as much like that as getting free ice cream is like a case of crotch lice. And like both of those things, it needs to be shared with those you care about...

SUGARY CYNIC AND THAT OTHER GUY LIVEBLOG AN AWFUL, AWFUL FILM BECAUSE WHY NOT

CE: So SC and I have decided that our live blogging of the Oscars went over so well that we will start "live" blogging movies, or shows, or whatever, and see how that goes. And maybe if you all are nice SC will let you minions nominate what stuff for us to watch.

SC: thank you Captain Exposition

CE: Tonight's taste du jour however is D-War, or Dragon War. I'll be honest, after we discussed watching Pingu, Sorority Sister Revenge, Shank, and The Spirit, we decided on D-War. Why? CAUSE IT HAS JASON BEHR!....I like Roswell.

SC: neeeerrrrddd

Clever Euphemism thinks he's dreamy

So the film company logo appears:

SC: that adorable Asian egg creature is deceptive
CE: I've never seen anything bad from the Showbox Company.
SC: Never heard of them
CE: Me either, but they haven't done bad yet

(The opening narration informs us that "every 500 years, a woman is born")

CE:Hey, every 500 years a woman is born,

SC: and sometimes more often

CE:No wonder its hard to find those

SC:I am already bored

(Title screen: D-war: Dragon Wars)

CE: I guess they couldn't decide between which title to go with D-War or Dragon Wars, so they went with both

SC: well d-war sounds young and hip but dragons are kind of the only selling point

CE: I with they did that with the new Star Wars films. "Star Wars: The Phantom Menace / George Lucas cashing in on Jamaican accents pt 1 of 3"

SC: is that your mythical Jason Behr?
CE: And yes that is Jason Behr of Roswell fame. Just much hairier now.

(We get about three seconds of time with him before a flashback to our hero in an antique shop as a little kid)

SC: I would like to point out that we are 3 minutes in and we get a flashback

CE: And? Some movies start with them.
If you want to find a reason to hate the movie, go with...OMG THAT BOX JUST OPENED ON ITS OWN!

(the magical box makes the owner of the antique store have a heart attack, which sends Jason Behr's dad scurrying off to get help)

That box causes heart attacks!

SC: you'd think he'd keep it locked

(So the shop keeper dude is played by Robert Forster and as soon as the dad leaves, stands up and makes this face a Li'l Jason Behr)

SC:oh god, pedo-time

(He starts telling the boy some generic prophetic story about Asian people long ago in the time of dragons)

SC: he is too white to be telling this story, I DEMAND A STEREOTYPICAL ASIAN SHOP OWNER

CE: We could watch Billy Jack...Which has nothing to do with what you just said

(From the current flashback we get ANOTHER flashback in the form of the story the old man is telling)

SC: flashback within a flashback, like INCEPTION...except not at all

CE: These Asian people are dressed like.... jiggly puff...And apparently the spaceship hat signifies power.

SC: you didn't know? bigger the hat = more authority

It's a universal system

SC: this little kid is way too calm listening to the crazy man talk about magical Korean people

(After a particularly jarring shot)

CE: I think the cameraman dropped the camera...really, and they kept it in

SC: I would not be surprised

CE: There is never a need to shoot the ground from a dangling perspective

(Just then)

SC: DRAGON
CE: CGI POOP...It's a poop monster

(A brief bit of plot exposition pokes through, telling us that the chosen one is always a woman and...)

SC: ...when she turns 20 a dragon is going to pop out of her body?

CE: ...from what orifice?

SC: that is the question

SC: cup of tea flashback exit...that's new

CE: so the kid sat there through a half hour tale

SC: of which I understood none of

CE: while this guy made tea...And the kid's father left to call 911 about 30 minutes ago to get an ambulance for the heart attack faking prick

SC: yup

CE: can we meditate on leaving your child with a dying man for 30 minutes?

SC: how about why are all the Asian reincarnations white?

CE: I mean this plot of this white kid being a reborn Asian-

CE: OMG THAT BLACK GUY
SC: I KNOW, he's actually been in things!

(He's Craig Robinson, from The Office and also Pineapple Express and is way too good for this movie)

(cuts to two women talking about Jason Behr)

CE: Oh snap, these women are already discussing men, obviously these will be weak female characters

SC: what else is there for ladies to discuss?

CE: The first line out of their mouths is about men, they didn't even try

SC: wait she's Sara? (the "chosen" 19-20 year old) if she's 19 I'm Brad Pitt

CE: You need to post a picture of these two hotties to show off the 19 year old ness

(No.)

(Sara is stressed because she's magic or something. Her friend suggests they go out drinking and trolling for dudes)

SC: she can't go out for a drink, she's underage...just saying

CE: Oh and look, she's in distress, so you know how to cure it, you go out and get drunk and find a man to fill the hole in her life....and between her thighs. Also, are you saying you never drank while underage SC?

SC: pfft, I am a paragon of lawfullness and such

(And suddenly Sara is attacked and saved moments later by...someone)

CE: RAPE. Oh thank god that homeless guy saved her

SC: wasn't that the flashback guy? that scene was utterly pointless, it did nothing!

CE: It was to show that dragon tattoo girl is weak and needs men to be saved

SC: >_< this movie

CE: And now it leads to this scene of her in the police station And shows off the journalists who are allowed to take pictures of rape victims in the police station discussing an ongoing case

SC: meanwhile, Jason Behr is about to get his ass kicked (he wakes up suddenly)...or dreaming about it, these transitions are retarded

CE: Are you watching the extras they have walking around in the background? They are all smiling while looking at the ground as they walk by. In other words they are not good extras. They are family and friends.

SC: even they can't keep a straight face through this crap

CE: I think you can judge a movie by looking at the extras

(Cut to the girl Sara alone in a parking garage as her car begins to morph into a dragon)

CE: Okay so this movie is officially 1/3rd done, and I am not sure why cars are growing scales on them.

SC: AND ITS A DREAM, WHAT A SURPRISE

(more scenes of Jason Behr and That Guy From The Office bantering)

CE: I am going to say this now: If they made this movie a buddy journalist movie between Jason Behr and That Guy this movie probably could have worked.

SC: I will agree

(Suddenly, different scene of Sara's two friends, a dude and girl about to get it on when...)

CE: OH SHIT GUY GOT COCKBLOCKED BY A DRAGON IN THE POOL

SC: as excuses go, that's a good one...bye bye sara's friends, wished we cared

CE: What's worse, being cockblocked by a dragon, or being eaten by a dinosaur while taking a crap?

SC: hmmm, well he wasn't crapping in Jurassic Park, he was hiding like a bitch, so they're both pretty bad

CE: This should have been a buddy cop movie

SC: but the dragons should still have factored in somehow

CE: Actually, I am beginning to think this is a horrible misreading of "Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" ...I need to get a press pass, I get to apparently go on active police scenes and get confidential medical files by pouting

(But just then a doctor appears and)

SC: THAT DOCTOR IS THE DAD FROM PHIL OF THE FUTURE :D

CE: And then doctors take you to see patients who are quarantined

SC: "phil phil phiiiiiiil of the future, never knew in history just where he would land, cuz hes phil phil phiiiiil of the future, he's a 22nd century man!"



CE: (completely ignoring me) In fact, I really, really, reeeeeally, believe this is a misreading of GwtDT

SC: I wouldn't know any better

CE: All of this happens, minus the actual dragon stuff

SC: um, no one notices the dragon curling around the hospital? it...its right there, I mean c'mon

CE: So when the dragon attacks the hospital the doctor rushes in to save... just Sara... since it is the heart attack faking guy who can apparently morph

SC: why the fuck not

CE: Well if I could morph I wouldn't choose to look like a big doofus tool

SC: makes as much sense as the rest of this shit

(But then)



SC: THAT WAS AMAZING

CE: The black guy just said it for all of us "SOMEONE JUST TELL ME WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!!!"

SC: twice. the bad guy gets nailed by a car, twice.

CE: Maybe he shouldn't wear his black fetish gear in the middle of the highway at night.

(Scene change to random government dudes)

SC: who are these other characters?

CE: The Secretary of Defense, PAY ATTENTION

SC: (About the dragons) "we can only conclude that its foreign in nature" NO SHIT, REALLY?

CE: This movie isn't realistic at all.

SC: how so? the dragons? the magic? the questionable bullshit?

CE: No, if it was realistic they wouldn't go straight to the Secretary of Defense. You see, first they would have to follow the chain of command.

SC: why are they (Sara and Jason Behr, I never bothered to learn his character's name) making out?

CE: They would have to go to that local director of defense.

SC: why is there is intermittently voice-over?

CE: HOLD ON I AM DESCRIBING WHY THIS MOVIE IS BOGUS, I CAN'T LET THIS MAKING OUT SESSION GET IN THE WAY

SC: I AM TOO DISTRACTED BY THE STUPID THINGS THAT KEEP HAPPENING

CE: Clearly this is 2007, when GWB was still president. That is when you unleash troops without knowing your enemy into a sandy environment...And I also like how the American troops are shown to be cowards who run at the sound of an animal roar.

SC: to be fair, its a giant cgi cobra

CE: And where did Jason get this fantastic outfit?I am happy he took time to put that ensemble together

SC: it is pretty snazzy

CE: "Hey honey, look, I know we just made out and stuff, and that killer lizards are hunting us down, but I have a good hair day going on, and it would be a waste to blow it on these rags, let's go down to Men's Warehouse real quick, that hairy guy promises me I'll like the way I'll look."

CE: Okay, so at this point can we discuss the idea that all these Asian people came back as...WHITE PEOPLE.

SC: oh you're finally acknowledging that?

CE: Also, Jason has a new jacket in every scene, he has a new one now

SC: waittaminute, he does

CE: You should have been counting.

SC: (The old man reappears from nowhere) where the fuck did the old guy come from?

CE: He's a shapeshifter, he was probably the microwave

SC: at this point, I'm willing to believe it

CE: This snake takes it's good ol' time trying to kill this girl. It's as if it ironically has some qualms about killing it's mortal enemy. Knowing the movie will end if it does, and thus it will no longer be a star.

SC: At this point I will reveal that I saw this movie in theaters

CE: Several?

SC: (I was dragged) but the point is that it made it into THEATERS

CE: More than once?

SC: no

CE: So you mean "THEATER"

SC: but this isn't just some crap on the syfy channel, this was widely distributed AND YOU ARE MISSING THE POINT

(As Sara and Jason Behr embrace, the dragon thingy looms over them)

SC: oh just kill them for fucks sake...why aren't they dead yet?

CE: Because they are hugging...I hope black guy is flying this chopper

SC: I wish

CE: Did you notice one missile missed and just floated off into space?

SC: no I missed that lol

CE: ....oh... look... missile shooting... pterodactyls?

SC: someone had to write this scene out, think about for a minute, someone storyboarded those pterodactyls

CE: "INT SCENE .... Pterodactyls cling to the side of the tall sky scrapers, hiding from the army helicopters while giant tortoises enter on street level"

SC: how does that poor bastard look at himself in the mirror while thinking "I helped make this"?

CE: Is the standard Air Force trained pilot taught to throw your hands in the air as you are about to hit something, or be shot out of the air, 'cause all these people did just that.

SC: yeah they teach you that in basic training, its called The Shit Yourself And Die Defense

CE: So this is downtown LA right?

SC: assumedly

CE: I like how out of all of those buildings there are DOZENS of people running for safety. They have no probably CGI-ing a huge army, but, a huge populace running for safety? Nah.

SC: you can only hire so many extras when all your budgets goes to giant cgi tortoises with cannons

CE: There are so many places this movie went wrong...

SC: That movie The Room is more exciting than this fight sequence

"OH HI, Dragons"

CE: But, I think this movie could have worked.

SC: How could this have worked?

CE: Well, here's how, you start present day focused on the girl, and all sorts of weird stuff starts to happen to her... all horror movie like. But nothing all that clear. And then she goes for help, to the psychologist where they start to unravel some of her backstory and then BOOM...oh shit he died

(Jason Behr is in fact, shot in the chest)

SC: hah, he shot Jason Behr

(Jason Behr is then miraculously fine, without explanation)

SC: um, wasn't he shot? what just happened?

CE: Jason Behr is magic, he was shot at point blank range, and survived without a scratch. It is the magic of the ever changing jackets "I'm sorry but your bullet wound is in another jacket"

SC: I was about to say, his jacket is unscathed

(Scene change to...somewhere)

CE: And now they are in some mythical world?

SC: just go with it

CE: Now so far this whole movie took place on earth. Now suddenly there is some alternate universe?

SC: JUST GO WITH IT

CE: MIGHTY BURAKI! Uhh... isn't Buraki just the snake monster?

SC: it seems so

CE: I like how they make a big deal introducing us to a character we've seen for the last 45 minutes.

(All seems lost until a necklace that Jason Behr has been wearing the whole movie suddenly decides to emit a cosmic fart and incinerate all the bad guys)

SC: did his necklace just fart?

CE: I am laughing so hard right now

SC: WHAT IS GOING ON?!

CE: You would think they would recognize the guy's magical pendant and all since it was on the outside of his jacket

SC: nope, not even when it magically vaporized EVERYONE

CE: And that after it just showed how magical it is, you should avoid touching it

SC: hey its....something else, oh the good imoogi, whatever the hell that means...wasn't it supposed to shoot out of her, anime style?

CE: No matter who wins... you put money in the pockets of those who made this

SC: which reminds me, scene on the cover = not actually in the movie

CE: yuh huh, that was the scene before this, in the downtown

SC: is there only one dragon on it tho? Cuz on the one I've always seen there's the two dragons on the rooftop, which never happens

CE: On the cover, when I google it I only see one

TOLD YOU SO!! :p (also yeah, not in the movie at all)

SC: I'm sorry, distracted by antler dragon with whiskers and sparkles...this is the stupidest thing ever

(The one dragon kills the bad dragons and Sara dies as she and Jason Behr profess their love for each other)

SC: "I love you, woman I knew for roughly three hours"

CE: Awww the dragon cried. It knows true love when it senses it..

(The old man appears, says something cryptic and then...)

SC: ok...he disintegrated

CE: What an ending

SC: and wait, how does he get back? He's stuck there forever

CE: Jason Behr is left in the alien planet, alone. Which is why when he comes back to earth he is an alien that goes to high school (Roswell!) And yeah, if you think the girl looked ridiculous, keep in mind that 2 years prior to this movie that Behr was still doing Roswell in which he plays a high-schooler. YaRly

SC: woooooow...so he's stuck there, the old man turned to dust, the girl is dead and LA is in ruins. The moral?

CE: The moral of the story is that you will always reach your destiny if you are the good guy that is s'pose to reach your destiny in a 90 minute movie, because that doesn't leave enough time to explain anything else.

SC: but sometimes that destiny SUCKS...so, final thoughts?

CE: My final impressions: I am reminded of a story from my childhood.

SC: ok...

CE: You see, I was once a lil' Clever Euphemism you see... hard to believe I know.
And one day, little CE decided to try and write the script for a movie. It had armies, and fighting. But then lil' CE realized "No, this movie sucks." And so that movie was never made. Clearly the creators of D-War are stupid twatwaffles who don't have a good inside voice that can judge good thoughts from bad.

SC: that sums it up pretty well, all I can add is that I cant believe I've seen this movie twice now

CE: Movie is a strong word....

SC: string of horrible images?

CE: Really it is an exercise in CGI Dragon making. Actually, I think that is what this is. It was just a B-roll movie. So, can we watch Billy Jack, now, pleeeeaaaase?

SC: (looks up Billy Jack) NO

CE: YES He's an Indian ninja

SC: NO.

Good night, and thank whatever deity you worship that you've never had to watch this movie. This is Sugary Cynic, totally not going to download old episodes of Phil of the Future... "On a holiday through history, but their final destination was a mystery..." 'Night!

Sara: "I keep trying to understand, but none of this is making any sense"

No kidding.

13 comments:

  1. Not my 'cup of tea', but great post! Gotta love the photos of the egg and dragon:)

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  3. I remember when Mystery Science Theater first got started. It was funny twice....this however is timeless and very funny ;)

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