Sunday, February 27, 2011

The Oscars: Brought To You By Two Bickering Movie Geeks

So, the big kahuna, the final stop, the slag-heap of slap-happy bs that is the Oscars. We've been here before but since I care about these Oscars maybe slightly more than last year's and because I try to do whatever's easiest fresh and interesting things, this year me and the boydude, who has begun to creatively infringe on here lately, were pithy about the Oscars together on with the power of the internet!

INTERNET!

So here's the lowdown on the Oscars for those who missed it, have short attention spans, or just can't be bothered to sit through all the outfit changes:

SUGARY CYNIC AND SOME OTHER GUY ARE WITTILY BITCHY ABOUT THE OSCARS

(everything in parenthesis was added after the fact) (duh)

Sugary Cynic: hi, tv on, sexy hosts initiated

Clever Euphemism: Hi, and yes, I am sexy, thanks for noticing


Clever Euphemism: And you only missed 8 minutes, so that is a plus. =P

Sugary Cynic: yup

Clever Euphemism: So I know that I am looking forward to Scarlett Johansson tonight.
....and this show is off to a rockin' start.... "Let's talk to old yentas"

"It's been a great year for lesbians!" (No really, she said that)

Sugary Cynic: "great year for lesbians" lol

Clever Euphemism: Social Network.... Mark Zuckerberg, a reason all women should be lesbians.

Sugary Cynic: nice

(Then for whatever reason, right at the beginning, retrospective outta nowhere, never a good sign)

Clever Euphemism: Oh and yay already a "this year sucked, let's go back 70 years" moment...Tom Hanks...?

Sugary Cynic: why are they doing this? filler does not go at the beginning!!!

Clever Euphemism: I for one am happy they finally got him off that island. A man can only run on an island for so long.

(As Tom Hanks talks about...something, that iconic, ear-bleeding music of a certain unsinkable ship starts playing)

Sugary Cynic: GO AWAY TITANIC

Clever Euphemism: Oh, I get this now...

Sugary Cynic: get what?

Clever Euphemism: ....James Cameron bitched about last year and now they made it up

Sugary Cynic: ooohh

Best Art Direction


Sugary Cynic: if alice in wonderland wins I will be so pissed

Clever Euphemism: I forgot that movie came out this year

Sugary Cynic: cuz it sucked

(Alice won)

Sugary Cynic: OH COME ON IT WAS ALL CGI

Clever Euphemism: Now I am waiting for the "Oscar winning" Version of the DVD

Sugary Cynic: >_<

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Best Cinematography: Inception

Clever Euphemism: BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRBRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRBRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR INCEPTION HORN BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Sugary Cynic: lawl

Clever Euphemism: "I would like to thank the sound...."

Sugary Cynic: it's an award within an award within an award

Clever Euphemism: Wow Nolan is crying

Sugary Cynic: he's sensitive...and apparently that guy's "master" (Seriously he called Nolan his master...go figure)

(And then they wheeled out Kirk Douglas, who took his sweet sweet time announcing best supporting actress)

Sugary Cynic: ...what's Kirk Douglas been in? ...I know I'm supposed to know him but I don't. his ears are scary. his everything is scary

Clever Euphemism: Awww he's been Dick Clark'd

Sugary Cynic: good verb

Clever Euphemism: He sounds just like him

Sugary Cynic: kinda yeah

Clever Euphemism: oh god, we are gonna be here all night

Sugary Cynic: HAILEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE I LOVE YOOOOOUUUUU

Clever Euphemism: I DESARVH AN AUSKUH CUAS I SPEEK LYK IM FRUM BAWSTIN

Sugary Cynic: that was unsettling

Clever Euphemism: I am not waiting for this moment Kirk Douglas

Sugary Cynic: he's gonna die onstage, I know it

Clever Euphemism: I will give him credit he's funnier than Grown Ups all on his own
Sugary Cynic: that's not saying much

Best Supporting Actress: NOT HAILEE STEINFELD :( Melissa Leo

Clever Euphemism: And Melissa Leo sweeps all the award shows

Sugary Cynic: pfft, lame, haliee fo' evah

Clever Euphemism: Haliee is too young. And didn't speak with a boston accent. Fuckin east coast Hollywood bias

Sugary Cynic: they had to usher Kirk off the stage XD

Clever Euphemism: As the only person here who saw The Fighter, I guess she is an okay choice...

Sugary Cynic: I wouldnt know

Clever Euphemism: She was better than Amy Adams

Sugary Cynic: I hate her cuz she's not Hailiee

(Melissa gives an endearingly dorky speech, and then drops the F-bomb)

Clever Euphemism: OMG

Sugary Cynic: YES FIRST SWEAR

(Followed by Best Animated Short...which we knew nothing about)

Clever Euphemism: I've never seen any of the shorts but I say lets Pollute wins

Sugary Cynic: no, Night and Day, it's Pixar

Clever Euphemism: nevermind, Madagascar, I say that one

Sugary Cynic: aaaaand

(The winner was called The Lost Thing)

Clever Euphemism: Wow we went 0 for 3

Sugary Cynic: we suck

Clever Euphemism: Out of 4

Sugary Cynic: we suck a lot

Sugary Cynic: he's TINY and AUSTRALIAN...or NEW ZEALANDY. something

Clever Euphemism: Australian Asian Midgets

Sugary Cynic: best thing ever

Best Animated Film: Toy Story 3, As if it were really a contest

Clever Euphemism: what a shock! ... by not being shocking at all

Sugary Cynic: never saw it coming. blew me away

Clever Euphemism: .... you probably had your back to it

Sugary Cynic: it was really good tho, not that you would know, because you hate childlike wonder

Clever Euphemism: lies! I likes TS1 and 2 And many other Pixar films

Sugary Cynic: you will watch it...AND YOU WILL WEEP

Clever Euphemism: dude..... that isn't saying much

Then Best Adapted Screenplay but first, more retrospecting!


Clever Euphemism: I DONT CARE ABOUT HISTORY. BEIBER, WHERE IS BEIBER I WANT BEIBER
Sugary Cynic: NO, you'll summon him or something. Anyway, it's gonna be social network, because everyone wants to make love to Aaron Sorkin's sexy words

Clever Euphemism: Most likely. And yessir!

Sugary Cynic: we finally got one, but it was obvious. and bored already

(As they attempt in vain to play Aaron Sorkin off)

Clever Euphemism: Well they only wanted to hear his sexy words for about 25 seconds

Sugary Cynic: listen to the music, Sorkin!

Best Original Screenplay

Clever Euphemism: Now this should be Inception

Sugary Cynic: yup. And all I can see are inception memes now

Clever Euphemism: But, if The King's Speech wins this, it will sweep

(And it does)

Clever Euphemism: and it did

Sugary Cynic: shit...the christopher nolan fangirl in me is gently weeping

Clever Euphemism: well maybe he shouldn't have made so many plot holes

Sugary Cynic: :(

Clever Euphemism: "We have a voice, we have been heard" what are the odds every TKS winner says something like that?

Sugary Cynic: I hope so, this is getting dull, we need a wacky theme. They should all stutter out their acceptance speeches

Clever Euphemism: well that chance already passed them by. I know the wacky theme...every winner tonight should be white...which will be easy

Sugary Cynic: WHITE PEOPLE ARE THE WACKIEST. A black dude won last year but then that white chick kanye'd him

Clever Euphemism: There arent any blacks nominated and people are upset...And everyone remembers that fat white bitch

"That fat white bitch"

(Then Helen Mirren tries to present Best Foreign Film but is saddled with Russell Brand)

Sugary Cynic: HELEN MIRREN TIME

Clever Euphemism: YOU AREN'T FUNNY RUSSELL BRAND. DIE. FAST. DIE. HARD.

Sugary Cynic: poor Helen Mirren, she deserves better. I don't know these, I feel so uncultured and American

(Danish film, In A Better World wins)

Clever Euphemism: FUCK YOU DENMARK...she has nice boobies though

Sugary Cynic: what'd they ever do to you? ...damn they are nice

Clever Euphemism: They ain't real

Sugary Cynic: how can you tell?

Clever Euphemism: Men just know

Sugary Cynic: they're not gargantuan...she's got a nice butt too

Best Supporting Actor: C'mon, like you don't know?


Clever Euphemism: Okay, Bale, just get up there

Sugary Cynic: SEAN CONNERY WAS MENTIONED. TAKE NOTE

Clever Euphemism: Usually the people they mention die in the near future...

Sugary Cynic: shut up. forever

Clever Euphemism: =(

Sugary Cynic: oh im sorry, but you cant say such things...its mean to get the other actor's hopes up when christian bale is clearly going to win

(And he does)

Sugary Cynic: his beard is so...red

Clever Euphemism: It is

Sugary Cynic: I'd still do him. several times. in various locales and settings


Best Soundtrack: The Social Flippin Network :(

Sugary Cynic: John Powell (How To Train Your Dragon) will always be the best in my heart...and the social network's ambient bullshit can go to hell

Clever Euphemism: So, as it turns out Hollywood hates Inception. Now the question is, why?

Sugary Cynic: because they fear That Which Is Nolan?

(Then Scarlett Johannyssonsenson appears with hair that looks like it was cut with safety scissors)

Sugary Cynic: what happened to her hair?
Clever Euphemism: She is hot, don't question her

Sugary Cynic: she's hot but her hair is choppy as hell

Best Sound Mixing and Editing: Inception (Finally)

Clever Euphemism: And there we go, Inception can say "oscar winner" on it

Sugary Cynic: for "sound mixing" which I assume is made up

Clever Euphemism: wait is that a lesbian? (one of the acceptor-peoples) she has a wife? Well, that covers the lesbian angle for inception

Sugary Cynic: also, I'm noticing a theme here, they call him "my master Nolan" "the mighty Nolan" ...yeah

(Then when Tron was in the running for Sound Editing)

Clever Euphemism: DO IT TRON

Sugary Cynic: GO TRON

(But no, Inception)

Clever Euphemism: so inception missed on the biggest prize, gets the two smaller ones...in sound

Sugary Cynic: it at least sounds the best...aww, the accepting guy didn't call Nolan master or mighty

Clever Euphemism: nope. DISRESPECTED

Sugary Cynic: Nolan with deal with him swiftly and terribly

Clever Euphemism: yes

Anger not The Nolan


Best Make-up

Sugary Cynic: if Wolfman wins I will laugh, so hard

(And of course...)

Clever Euphemism: LAUGH LAUGH

Sugary Cynic: hahahahahaha YEEEES

Clever Euphemism: Wolfman = Oscar Winning picture

Sugary Cynic: so great...hmmm, costumes

Clever Euphemism: true grit

Best Costumes: Alice In Wonder-Are You Kidding Me?

Clever Euphemism: FUCK

Sugary Cynic: GOD DAMMNIT

Clever Euphemism: alice = MULTIPLE oscar winner

Sugary Cynic: at least it didn't win for makeup, pale pedo Johnny Depp haunts my nightmares

(No pictures of him on here, ever again! So the costume lady reads robotically off a notecard, completely flat, no emotion)

Sugary Cynic: she's a fun one

Clever Euphemism: very spontaneous

Sugary Cynic: lively

Clever Euphemism: she lives on edge, controversial even

Sugary Cynic: unforgettable

(For Best Song, they played the songs live which meant...)

Sugary Cynic: no no no no no

(Randy Newman played his song for Toy Story 3)

Clever Euphemism: oh, yay

Sugary Cynic: nooooooooooooooooo

Clever Euphemism: wow, he sounds bad. I think he's gonna eat the mic

Sugary Cynic: when he sings, a little piece of me dies. oh thank god its over

Best Short Documentary:

Sugary Cynic: Sun Come Up, that's my guess

Strangers No More

Sugary Cynic: nope

Best Short Film:

Clever Euphemism: Nawewe

Sugary Cynic: wish 143

God of Love. Suckers

Clever Euphemism: =(

Sugary Cynic: jeez, we fail at this

And then some horrible segment where they auto-tuned Harry Potter, Toy Story and Twilight...for some reason

Clever Euphemism: and people say technology is helping us

Best Documentary: Inside Job


Sugary Cynic: pithy comment

Clever Euphemism: I knew this would win when they went to commercial break on it last time: truth!

Sugary Cynic: makes sense

Clever Euphemism: is these people are so smart instead of making a documentary about this, maybe they should have saved us!

(And suddenly, Billy Crystal)

Clever Euphemism: He hasn't aged in 20 years

Sugary Cynic: he is getting smoother instead of wrinklier

Best Nominee Announcer Bromance: Robert Downey Jr and Jude Law

Best Effects: Inception


Sugary Cynic: victory BWAAAAAAAAAM

Clever Euphemism: sorry was eating =P but yes, bwaaams

Sugary Cynic: you're on the clock, no eating

Best Video Editing: The Social Network

Clever Euphemism: hey look that over rated movie did something ;)

Sugary Cynic: what happened to black swan? for realsies

Clever Euphemism: it is a thinly veiled metaphor stretched out for 2 hours, we discussed this

Sugary Cynic: but its a tensely thrilling metaphor, with possible lesbian sex ...year of the lesbians?

Clever Euphemism: well the lesbian aspect, Portman will win

Sugary Cynic: hope so, she was really good

Clever Euphemism: If she or Firth loses the internet will melt

(Then Gywneth Paltrow came to sing some awful country song from her awful country movie and mentioned something about a "four-letter word" that was love or something)

Clever Euphemism: PAUSE "It's a four letter word..." they should have paused so we can guess what it is:

gimp

fart

Sugary Cynic: butt

Clever Euphemism: asss

Sugary Cynic: suck

Clever Euphemism: gunt

Sugary Cynic: bunt

Clever Euphemism: cuts

Sugary Cynic: other things with those various letters

Clever Euphemism: lololllol

(MATURITY! THUMBS UP!)

Best Song: "We Belong Together" from Toy Story 3, aka Randy Newman Will Not Go Quietly Into That Good Night

Sugary Cynic: noooooooooooooooooooooo

Clever Euphemism: so what's left? actor, actress, dicrector, and film? and eulogy?

Sugary Cynic: yeah the biggies and the dead people

Clever Euphemism: Firth, Portman, Finch, King's Speech

Sugary Cynic: really, not going with social network? Agree with others tho

Clever Euphemism: Nah I think TKS got it in the bag now

(And then the Great White Canadian Horror showed up to sing about dead people)

Sugary Cynic: its Celine Dion...oh no...why does she get to keep living when all these people are dead

Clever Euphemism: NOT LIONEL JEFFRIES!

Sugary Cynic: aw, Pete Postlethwaite :(

Clever Euphemism: OMG they forgot Abe Vigoda

Sugary Cynic: he's dead?

Clever Euphemism: ....well... no.

Sugary Cynic: oh

Clever Euphemism: not technically

Sugary Cynic: Dennis Hopper :(

(Hilary Swank announces Best Director)

Sugary Cynic: hey it's she-man

(But then Kathryn Bigelow shows up)

Clever Euphemism: Look at this giant

Sugary Cynic: she is even manlier than Hilary Swank, and that is no mean feat


Oh right, Best Director: Tom Hopper for The King's Speech

Clever Euphemism: sweeeeep sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep

Sugary Cynic: fincher pwned :O

Sugary Cynic: finally near the end

Clever Euphemism: what, you mean this isn't exciting? (And Jeff Bridges and James Franco took the stage to announce nominees) And now they have 2 nominees on the stage...Oh, they are going actress, I thought he was gonna do actors

Sugary Cynic: yeah, i wish he could be like "and the award goes to...me!" oh well :(

(After Jeff Bridges keeps barking out nominees)

Sugary Cynic: he keeps calling out their names like he's admonishing them in class

Clever Euphemism: haha yes he is

"Natalie! Your work in Black Swan was stunning. Now spit out that gum unless you have enough for the whole class!"

Clever Euphemism: Oh god, Natalie is gonna cry. A lot

Sugary Cynic: so much

Best Actress: Natalie Portman in Black Swan (And she bawls her brains out)


Clever Euphemism: MEN DON'T CRY

Sugary Cynic: you stated quite obviously before that you do

Clever Euphemism: MEN DON'T CRY GIVING ACCEPTANCE SPEECHES

Sugary Cynic: we'll see in minute

Best Actor: Colin Firth in The King's Speech (Guess what he does)

Clever Euphemism: oh no, don't cry you fucking limey

Sugary Cynic: HA

Clever Euphemism: CLIVE OWEN WOULDN'T CRY ...Neither would Sean

Sugary Cynic: Sean would leak awesome from his eyes

Clever Euphemism: Also, to be honest, he was better last year in A Single Man. But no one saw that

Sugary Cynic: I sure didn't

Clever Euphemism: I'm not sure he even saw it

Sugary Cynic: he was busy

Clever Euphemism: HOLD ON. How much of a douche are you to sit with the statue in your lap?

Sugary Cynic: the biggest and best. Not gonna lie, I'd do it.

Sugary Cynic: I'd do like in Seinfeld with the pez dispenser and hold it up and make it clap

Clever Euphemism: Fair enough =P


Clever Euphemism: The end is in sight...so TKS? Yes?

Sugary Cynic: yup

(As they play a video of all the nominees for Best Picture)

Clever Euphemism: well geez having the voice-over from TKS really throws ya off... I mean... what movie will win?

Sugary Cynic: its a mystery, I am on the edge of my seat with suspense, butt's barely touching and everything

Clever Euphemism: I hope its Toy Story

(And as they dragged their feet)

Sugary Cynic: DO IT ALREADY

Best Picture: The Stutter-King's Talky Time

Clever Euphemism: The Social Network got the loudest cheer, oddly enough
SWEEEEEEEEEEEEP

Sugary Cynic: sad BWAAAAAM is sad

(As the acceptee took the stage)

Clever Euphemism: George Clooney was part of this film?

Sugary Cynic: he is a part of everything ever, didn't you know?

Clever Euphemism: This guy looks just like him. oh shit, his "Boyfriend Ben" ...Male lesbians!

Sugary Cynic: year of the lesbians!

Clever Euphemism: You know what gay guys do with that statue?

Sugary Cynic: put it on a mantle respectfully?
:p

Clever Euphemism: The same thing as everyone else, you fuckin' perv ...damn! I was outwitted!

Sugary Cynic: BY MY DECENCY

Clever Euphemism: So, sum up this Oscars in one word.

Sugary Cynic: British. You?

Clever Euphemism: Aronofsknow'd ...Cause Black Swan was UNKNOWN'D

Sugary Cynic: .......

Clever Euphemism: Okay, fine, my real word "Expected"

Sugary Cynic: good enough

Clever Euphemism: Oh snap, the bachelor is down to the final three! can we do this again tomorrow?!

Sugary Cynic: >_<


And there you have it. Now I'm going to bed because this shit is exhausting. This is Sugary Cynic and some other guy who's really not as important as Sugary Cynic saying, "Maybe if I fake a Boston accent, I can win an Oscar too" 'Night!

(During a deranged commercial for an interview with Charlie Sheen)

Clever Euphemism: "I am on a drug, and it's called Charlie Sheen" best line of the night.

16 comments:

  1. Now this is something I would love to see in LIVE ACTION!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Is it me or did James Franco look particularly out of it last night? Pale skin, red eyes, total apathy to his surroundings. I mean I think it's obvious what was going on...he almost certainly had the flu.

    ReplyDelete
  3. That was funny as hell. A lot lot of writing too. Very nicely done & entertaining.

    ReplyDelete
  4. i'm sorry what was that you said .. ;) btw, i'm going to have to look up that "fat white bitch" again !!

    ReplyDelete
  5. I didn't watch it, and going by your post I'm glad I didn't. I would have been disappointed:(

    ReplyDelete
  6. Kirk Douglas made it interesting, and at least thehy did away with the Dead People Clapotron.

    If I won an Oscar and they started playing the Fuck Off music in the middle of my speech, I'd just talk louder and longer. Think they can get rid of me, do they...

    I officially rename Inception BWWAAAAAAAAAAAA.

    Tell Dude I liked his version of What Do Gay Guys Do With Their Oscars.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Wait, has an openly gay guy ever won a non-technical Oscar?

    ReplyDelete
  8. Yoga: Working on it, sort of (MYSTERIOUS)

    GTH: Yeah, he was seriously out of it, whatever the reason

    JeanaK: Aw, thanks :D

    tbaoo: lol

    Mary: Yeah, you didn't miss much

    Simon: BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

    ReplyDelete
  9. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Simon: Alan Ball won for American Beauty. And Elton John and Melissa Ethridge have won for music. And Jodie Foster is not exactly closeted either... just sayin'.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Yeah, but I'm talking about the acting awards. Because they all sure seem to bluster on about how diverse they are, and how playing gay is sure to get you prestige, but I don't think a out-and-out actor (at least at the time of the awards) has ever won.

    She's beyond sexuality, bro. She's Jodie Foster. All hail.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Okay, better question then: Which open, at the time, GLBT self-identified actors or actresses should have won?

    People in Hollywood know who is and who is not queer identified. In fact, even those of us not in Hollywood could probably take a good stab at it. And we could probably speculate on those who have won even though they were probably stricken with TEH GHEY.

    I mean, if they don't want to be out of the closet why throw them out with the bath water?

    ReplyDelete
  13. Hypocritically of me, I can't think of any at the top of my head. Although Rock Hudson is always debateable.

    And, good point, sir.

    But, and I hope not to be overtly obnoxious here, there seems to be a general trend--I'm loathe to say rule, because there are several examples to the contrary--that, if a straight actor plays a gay character, it's daring and bold and whatnot, but if a gay actor plays a gay character, it's simply queer cinema, thereby marginalized.

    ...

    ReplyDelete
  14. It's "daring and bold and whatnot" for a straight actor to play a queer one because usually those studios can afford the publicity to tell us that is how we should read that performance. (The same goes for any time an actor goes outside their comfort zone though, i.e. Bale, Hanks, Theron, or Swank)

    The kinds of movies that have gay actors playing gay characters are not from major studios. So it is not so much that they are marginalized because they are gays playing gays, they are marginalized because they are in a film without big financial backers who are pushing the film to get noticed and win awards. The big studios win awards; well, at least the Oscars, which are the inside of the inside of awards.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Highlight of the night for me was Colin Firth's acceptance speech. The rest was very dull.

    ReplyDelete

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