Saturday, January 1, 2011

The Worst Moments On Film This Year

HAPPY NEW YEAR, INTERNET!



Yesterday I showed you my top 5 favorite film moments of the year. Now, it's time for the other end of the spectrum: the moments in 2010 movie-dom that made me lose faith in humanity. Here are my worst movie moments:

SPOILERS ABOUND

5. The Machine Gun butt in Astro Boy

Ok, it's a 2009 movie. But this SCARRED me people! Forget the dead kid, robo-existentialism and Nathan Lane Pedophilia. The most horrifying moment is this line, as we wonder WHAT THE PLUPERFECT FUCK Tenma was thinking when he outfitted his new robo-son with machine guns in his ROBO-ANUS:



4. Jeff Bridge's Zen in Tron Legacy

Ok, this one is half awful and half funny because it is just so weird. Barely beating out "bio-digital jazz" we have the scene Kevin Flynn uses his Matrix-y powers to stop a plummeting elevator and save his son Sam and Quorra. Tension is high, Quorra's missing an arm, and it's all Sam's fault. Kevin reacts as anyone would in this situation:



Or at least, how The Dude would react in this situation.


3. The Mad Hatter's Futterwacken in Alice and Wonderland

It just wasn't enough for the Mad Hatter to look like a Nightmare Molester Clown and talk with a lisp. No. He had to do a freaky little dance that sounds like a euphemism for something you could get arrested for doing to a hooker in Sweden. And it's bizarre! It's like "hey we killed the monster and defeated The Red Queen. This calls for a Breakdance!"




*sob*

2. Believing in beliefs from The Last Airbender

God this movie was terrible. As an adaptation, as a regular movie, as something that doesn't want to make you vomit all your happiness, etc. And all of it's spectacular, poorly-written, worsely-acted, soul-killing garbage can be perfectly summed up in one line:



And Sokka dies a little more

But the number one moment that is by far and away the worst thing my poor innocent eyeballs had to endure this fine year is a film that will probably never see distribution in the U.S. but the trailer hit Youtube this year. Unfortunately:



why hath thou forsaken me, Connery?!

And those were my top five miniature brain hemorrhages of 2010. May 2011 bring less moments that make it so I can't sleep at night. This is Sugary Cynic, futterwacken' like there's no tomorrow. 'Night!

Oh, wait.

This. This too.

6 comments:

  1. You've got to stop tormenting yourself with that heinous Connery animation epic...or THEY WIN...

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  2. I didn't check out that Connery cartoon when you were on about it before. It sounded too depressing. I wish I'd kept it that way.

    Holy. Shit.

    ReplyDelete
  3. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!

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  4. Deb: They've already won

    Unwashed: Directions for making it all go away: Take one bottle rubbing alcohol, pour directly on eyeballs

    Simon: Indeed.

    ReplyDelete
  5. your eyeballs, innocent?? don't. make. me. giggle. =P

    ReplyDelete
  6. Hey! My eyes are like...totally innocent...and stuff. Shut up.

    ReplyDelete

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