Sunday, January 23, 2011

Val Kilmer Dares You To Take Him Seriously

So yeah, no post last night. Because I was at a bar with boydude listening to a ska band and watching lesbians jello wrestle to raise money for a roller derby team.

No, really.

I know I generally make up silly things like "I was helping Sean Connery unclog his sink and it turned out to be filled with hidden gnome treasure" but I'm serious this time, that was how I spent my night. And yes, you are jealous.



(Of course, the second part of the night entailed me hurling in the sink and re-thinking my life choices after trying to take this nasty cough medicine because I'm still sick but you don't need to know that part...wait. Dammit)

So...wanna hear about The Saint?



You know you do, Val Kilmer compels you


Man, remember when Val was a hottie? I may have been an infant/fetus when he was, but still! Remember?

"Oh hey, didn't see you there. I was too busy staring soulfully and thinking sexy thoughts"


Nowadays though, it's more like:

"Well hey there, is that a cheeseburger in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? Please let it be a cheeseburger"


But through the magic of film we can travel back to the magical year of 1997 and *shazaam* Val Kilmer is sexy once more! It's in a pretty terrible movie sure, but sexy!

WORTH IT



The Saint is a film adaptation of a goofy 60's TV series of the same name that starred future Bond Roger Moore as a sly, occasionally wacky thief who stole from baddies. The show, which I've seen a few episodes of, was your typical 60's camp sort of thing. And Roger Moore is a witty, charming bastard so it works out. In making the film, the writers decided to hell with that crap and instead decided to make a deeply serious thriller.

About cold fusion.

With a scientist who looked like this:



Who keeps three post-it notes that apparently have the entire formula necessary for creating cold fusion in...her bra!

Way to go.


Ok, I'll try again. The Saint tells the story of our much less happy-go-lucky, far more broody Saint, named Simon. Simon is a thief for hire and is hired to steal some micro-chip thingy from Ivan Trediak, a crooked Russian politician played by Rade Serbedzja aka Every Russian Bad Guy In A Movie Ever. Anyway, that's not important. What is important is that Trediak and his coke-snorting son decide to hire Simon to steal the cold fusion formula from spazzy hot nerd Emma Russell (Elisabeth Shue) and then kill his ass. Because that is what Russians do best.

That and sport some pretty wicked beards


What follows is Val Kilmer playing sexy dress-up as he runs through various disguises and accents and woos ladies. He succesfully steals the formula from Emma by pretending to be artsy and soulful and spouting some of the absolute worst dialogue EVER. For one thing, it's in a lispy, pseudo-European accent, and he says things like that he's going to take her to Africa so she can experience to energy of life. I am not kidding. But since it's a movie and she's a lonely nerd she eats it up and (of course) they fall in love. But trouble is afoot!

Trouble that requires sexiful running through bleak Russian landscapes!


Simon may have found a new lease on life through naive Emma but Trediak wants him dead and it will take several explosions, a few more costume changes and some pseudo-science that would make my chem-major friends cry out in agony before Simon can win back the day and cram as many references to the TV series as possible in the last ten minutes. Seriously, it's like they forgot it existed and were like, "crap! We should make several knowing winks to the TV series!! But the movie's nearly done shooting! Quick, wink knowingly, everyone!! Where the hell is Roger Moore?! Get me Roger Moore!!"

Just like that. So, The Saint is one of my guilty pleasure movies. It's dated as hell and even though it's trying so hard to be serious it's practically straining a muscle, it is as silly a 90's movie as there ever was. But it's entertaining, especially all the disguises and whatnot and man, Val Kilmer sure is nice to look at. Elisabeth Shue too, if that's your thing. The Saint is fun if you take your brain out back and tie to a post first. Two and a half cold fusion catapults out of five.

This is Sugary Cynic, in mourning for Val Kilmer's abs. 'Night!


*sob*



(Simon is disguised as Trediak)

Simon: "You know what the hardest part about being you is? Pretending to be so bad in bed"

Trediak: "You son of the bitch!"

8 comments:

  1. hehe a guilty pleasure indeed.. Is that last photo of me?

    oh boy what happened?
    heers

    ReplyDelete
  2. ha-ha!!! you're cracking me up! you attend FAU? cool! I will be finished with my English degree someday :-)

    ReplyDelete
  3. I miss hot Val.

    He was still kinda hot in Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, right?

    ReplyDelete
  4. I said no such thing.

    I just watched this dude in some tiny part in Pollock, and I must say what a cruel mistress you be, Father Time.

    Also, fuck midterms.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I remember Val in "Doors" sigh...sob...give the man a job...or a trainer...good God he has turned into...me...sigh.

    I like him...but I'm a sucker for the underdog. Hey wait...is there and Under Dog flick in the works...he could do a voice-over...oh well :)

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  6. I think he need not pretend with that lite beer in the picture...fer-shits-sake...it isn't helping. And is it just me, or does that paint blob on the wall behind him looks like a sad/maching skull...or is that my rorschach showing?

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  7. OMG! I hadn't even realized he had changed that much! Not until two pictures placed on the same page, that is.

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  8. Alejandro: We can only speculate (my money is on the cheeseburgers)

    Pamela: I don't go to FAU, good luck with that degree tho!

    Unwashed: Yeah, I suppose, but he bloated back up almost immediately after losing weight for the film. Sad.

    Simon: Father Time is a cruel mistress indeed...waittaminute

    Ron: Man, The Doors, that was awesome. *Sigh*

    Widow: Agreed, it's a creepy looking blob, and that spot on the wall is weird-looking too (zing!)

    Mary: It blows the mind

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