Extrapolation as follows:
(Also, it wouldn't hurt if you listen to something like this or this when you read it. Just to get you in the right frame of mind)
So, I wrote up this petition because I'm missing an International Studies credit and I'd really hate to not graduate because I didn't take Comparative Politics or Peoples Around the World. Because I hate them, for one thing. Anyway, I attempted to petition for this other Anthropology class I took to count: Peoples of Latin America, on the basis that the class entailed studying Latin American peoples from various countries, making it (say it with me now) international.
The Anthro professor shot me down.
Needless to say, I was a bit miffed. I mean all the woman had to do was SIGN THE GODDAMN FORM AND BE DONE WITH IT SO I CAN GRADUATE OUT OF THIS HOLE AND IT'S NOT LIKE SHE'S LOSING ANYTHING BY SIGNING IT. I TOOK AN INTERNATIONAL CLASS, I AM NOT TRYING TO COMPROMISE THE INTEGRITY OF ANTHROPOLOGICAL ACADEMIA FOR FUCK'S SAKE.
Ok, maybe slightly more than a bit miffed.
Anyway, I sent her a reply email that was basically me
Javi: "Umm, you ok? You look...um, hello?"
Me: "She's sitting back there. If I glare at her back hard enough, maybe she'll burst into flame...wait,"
(slaps hand emphatically on table but since I have no sense of proportion I slap it too hard and it really hurts)
Me: "AGh! I have a plan! I'll wait til she gets out, follow her back to her office and confront her!"
Richard: "Good plan!"
Me: "With a knife!"
Richard: "Less good!"
Me: "I'll ask her if she got my email, then I'll barter, I'll beg, I'll cajole and if necessary, I will cry. With all the other petitions and credit mess I don't have any dignity left to lose. I must break her"
(at the other end of the table, where news travels slower)
Shaina: "Hey, there's the Anthro professor, you should go to her office!"
Me: ".....Yes. I know. I was just saying that."
(Some time later)
Me: "How are they still sitting there? What are they doing?!"
Javi: "They're eating lunch and talking. You know, like we do?"
Me: (sullen) "When they do it it's evil"
(my group is getting up to go)
Me: "Maybe I should just head her off, go wait by her office,"
Ashley: (solemnly) "Good luck."
(After running back to the dining hall and peering in through the window)
*Magical Inner Monologue because I don't think out loud like a crazy person*
She's still sitting in there! But I can't just walk up and interrupt their lunch. I feel like that's somehow against all laws of Nature. But when the hell are they going to get up and go? I have to catch her but I can't wait out here forever...I should probably stop peering through the window like the crazy person I just claimed I wasn't.
So she wasn't going back to her office, and I was fairly sure interrupting lunch at the professor table would open a black hole in the universe. My only other option was standing outside like a dipstick. Which would look less weird if I was on the phone!
Me: (on the phone) "Javi?"
Javi: "What's up?"
Me: "What's the etiquette for approaching a professor in the DH?"
Me: "Her office hours are over, when she leaves she's not going back to her office so I either go in there or wait out her for however long looking like a weirdo"
Javi: "You could talk on the phone, you'd look less weird"
Me: "That's part two of why I called you"
(It is at this point that I realize how silly this all is and ponder the possibility of being played by Emma Stone)
Javi: "Uh-huh...so you want any back-up?"
Me: "Ideally, yes"
*twenty or so minutes of me and Javi waiting outside the DH as he coaches me on how to approach the table, what to say and how to say it*
Javi: "You can do this!"
(Suddenly, Tamara appears)
Me: "Lemmee get a quick second opinion. Hey, Tamara, how would go about approaching a professor in the DH?"
Tamara: "You don't. Ever. You wait."
Me and Javi: "....."
(But just then!)
Javi: "They're getting up!"
Me: "What if they go out the back?"
Javi: (has already run around to the other side of the building)
As the professor exits the dining hall, I sit outside on a bench, pretending to text before nonchalantly glancing up at her, there's nothing she can do, I've backed her into a corner. She has no choice but to acknowledge me.
Me: "Oh, hi! Did you get the email I sent you last night?"
Prof: "Yeah, I need to talk it over with the committee, that's why I didn't reply"
(brief pause as we both pretend that *the committee* isn't just her and the professor standing behind her)
Me: "Yeah, it's just, things have been really crazy and stuff, trying to graduate *inserted vocal quiver for added vulnerability* I'm freaking out a little"
Prof: "Well we'll see what we can do"
Me: *barest hint of eye-moisture* "I really appreciate it"
Prof: "Sure," (but not like, a warm, loving "Sure!" more like "Sure, now beat it")
(She leaves, Javi comes back)
Me: "That woman has a heart of stone"
(much later, I check my email and there's one from her, as I open it, this song comes on in my I-tunes)
It literally reads:
"Ok. I'll sign it."
I'm not proud of what I did. But I got the petition.
And maybe, just maybe, one day it will be an Indie comedy about an awkward girl trying to graduate on time, foiled by a mean-spirited professor, and everyone will be played by Michael Cera.
This is Sugary Cynic, losing her already tenuous grip on reality. 'Night!