So, the Facebook movie. Are you happy, world? The greatest movie ever in the history of ever composed of people talking and typing and not doing much else has been seen by me. Finally. And by seen I mean kind of sort of forced to watch because boydude kept trying to convince me that it was good. And it was.
Mostly. But can we all agree that Jesse Eisenberg is making the most retarded facial expression ever?
So yeah, The Social Network. As roomie Ashley put it "this movie taught me that Facebook was founded by assholes" and that's a pretty apt synopsis. We enter the movie mid-conversation between Eisenberg's character, Mark Zuckerberg, in a douchetastic conversation with his soon-to-be-ex girlfriend. Right away the movie demonstrates Mark's total lack of social skills, knowledge of social cues and generally inherent assholery. After the girl dumps him, he does what any enraged geek guy at Harvard would do: gets drunk, blogs about it, and hacks all of Harvard's sites to create a site called "FaceSmash" comparing Harvard girls that crashes the school's networks.
After that, Mark is approached by two buff blonde Harvard rowing-crew twins named Cameron and Tyler Winklevoss, both played by Armie Hammer (yeah, I dunno), who want Mark to help them write code for a site called Harvard Connection that would be like a dating site but exclusively for Harvard students. Mark decides that's stupid and goes off to make Facebook instead.
And so is the tall tale of Facebook told in flashback during two depositions involving Zuckerberg. One where the Winklevii are suing for stealing their idea and the other where he is being sued by his former best friend Eduardo for being cut out of Facebook's profits despite being it's co-founder. Eduardo is played by Andrew Garfield, who looks like a puppy dog. A really good looking one. Eduardo is both the money and the voice of reason behind Mark's mad plan to win at the internet. He's also pretty much the only one willing to put up with Mark's bullshit and be his friend. He genuinely cares about this little douche-bucket, which makes Mark so blatantly screwing him over that much more painful to watch.
Bros before hos, yo...except the ho is Facebook. Which sounds like it could be some kind of metaphor. Or something. It's late, shut up.
So Facebook explodes out onto the internet, attracting mildly insane groupies like Brenda Song's pyromaniac character who burns a present from Eduardo on his bed, and also leeches, like Shawn Parker, inventor of Napster. Justin Timberlake plays Parker and does a surprisingly good job of it. It's weird to see him playing a paranoid, coked out Parker and remember that he was the guy who sang "Bye Bye Bye"
I have a theory that he murdered the other members of N*Sync and sacrificed them to some sort of fame god. It's just a theory, of course.
Shawn Parker ends up being the catalyst that sets Eduardo and Mark against each other, and as Facebook grows more and more popular, they become increasingly alienated from each other until Mark has lost his only real, non-internet friend. And is being sued. Twice.
The rundown: Everyone turns in strong performances (I actually feel much better about the Spiderman reboot after seeing Garfield in this), Aaron Sorkin's script that everyone wants to make sweet, sloppy love to is quite witty, and Trent Reznor's score is atmospheric and excellent. It's a good movie but sometimes, watching it, I just didn't care. It's all nerds! Doing nerdy things! Still, I can't in good conscience give it anything lower than a four and a quarter catapults out of five. Because it was good. Just annoyingly so.
And that's all for tonight. Suck it up, you can handle it. After all, I'll be seeing you tomorrow with a review of the bro-tastic Green Hornet. This is Sugary Cynic, saying "I'm Facebook famous" 'Night!
Mark's (Ex)Girlfriend: "You are probably going to be a very successful computer person. But you're going to go through life thinking that girls don't like you because you're a nerd. And I want you to know, from the bottom of my heart, that that won't be true. It'll be because you're an asshole"