Monday, January 17, 2011

The Green Hornet Is Bro-Tacular

Which is similar to bro-tastic but not to be confused with bro-riffic. But before we can commence in a movie bro-down, I have a few announcements to make:


Look at this thing. This is an awesome thing.

I won this spectacular pirate ship necklace on The Morose Bee's blog, in a contest she does called Movie Monday, where she gives you clues to a movie in the form of Etsy products. After seeing a sketch of blonde Bruce Willis and an orange wig, I was all like "5TH ELEMENT, MOFO!" the prize for winning is the pick of whatever you want from her Etsy shop. Or you could go the easier route and just buy something, it's all pretty awesome. I was worried the necklace would be heavy because it's big and ceramic but it's actually pretty light and cute as hell. I love the crap out of it :D

For obvious reasons


I have a new blog thingy, guys! I have realized that you people come here for movie reviews and silly tales of the horrifying series of embarrassments that is my life. Not gloomy srs-bizness writings. So when I started working on an new story idea I decided to set up a new blog and create an online serial novel to be updated as I write it. So, if you're of the mind to read something spookyish and mysterious and (hopefully) awesome, feel free to check out They Say Their Ghosts Still Walk. All that's up now is the opener and the prologue but there'll be more soon.

And Finally:

New banner quote :D

Ok, now we can talk about The Green Hornet.

Or at least as much as Seth Rogen can really protect anything

Ok, let's get one thing straight here from the get-go. This is not The King's Speech, or even Inception. This is "Seth Rogen plays a superhero" you're not going in with the same expectations. Or at least you really shouldn't be. This is not going to be deep or thought-provoking or dramatic or emotional. It should be silly, funny and with buttloads of highly improbable action scenes. And actually, it is. So there.

And lots of Jay Chou. That too.

So the story follows Seth Rogen's character Britt Reid, who as a boy is chewed out by his father, Tom Wilkinson, for getting in a fight trying to protect a girl from some bullies. Daddy Reid basically belittles the poor kid and pops the head off his superhero toy, tossing it in the trash. And then this dick is somehow shocked when his son grows up to be the hard-partying, irresponsible Seth Rogen.

You brought this on yourself, Daddy Reid

But then Daddy Reid croaks and suddenly Britt is in charge of his dad's newspaper empire (which admittedly doesn't mean much these days but don't tell the movie that), and has to deal with Edward James Olmos, the paper's grouchy senior editor, the douchey DA who is campaigning for mayor, and also all the people telling him how awesome his dickhole of a dad was. Thankfully, Britt meets Kato, played by Jay Chou. Kato was his dad's personal mechanic and coffeemaker (just go with it). Kato also thinks Daddy Reid was a tool, oh and he can also build death machine cars, bulletproof glass, flat-proof tires, gas-guns, kick your ass and also make a cappuccino with the swirly leaf design. Kato ROCKS.

He's also painfully cute

So Kato and Britt bond, get drunk and solder off the head of Daddy Reid's statue. During this escapade they rescue a couple from getting mugged, realize it's a hell of a rush and decide to be superheroes. Because why not. I actually do like this bit, because in nearly all superhero movies (except maybe Kick-Ass) the hero is always tortured and brooding and becomes a superhero out of some warped sense of atonement. Britt and Kato just think it'll be awesome. So, disguising themselves as villains, they take on LA's criminal element under the guise of the Green Hornet and his as-of-yet-nameless-partner. Their arch-nemesis? Chudnofsky, an unbelievably insecure crime kingpin played by the unbearably cute Christoph Waltz. Seriously, guys, it's not even fair. He made me LIKE a Nazi in Inglorious Basterds, and here I can't even take him seriously as a credible threat. It doesn't matter how many dudes he shoots in the face, as he ponders becoming a super-villain named "Bloodnofsky" I just want to pat him on the head.

Nope, sorry. Still adorable.

So there's also Cameron Diaz as a secretary turned journalist turned last-minute love interest, but she honestly doesn't do much but look pretty and give Kato and Brit a serious case of bros before hos. Yo. But anyway, there are car chases and explosions and ass-kicking and it's pretty rad. Britt's kind of a douche but it's Seth Rogen, so you expect it. Also, it's definitely weird thinking that Michel "Eternal Sunshine for the Spotless Science of Be Kind Rewind" Gondry directed it. There are a couple scenes that feel like they have his trademark visual absurdity and the scene where Kato and Britt sing "Gangster's Paradise" is pretty Gondry but otherwise, if I didn't know, I wouldn't think it was him. Which is kind of a bummer.

Still, it's great fun and it had me smiling for most of it. Jay Chou really makes the movie and after Korean Pop Sensation Rain and Dong-gun Jang screwed up their American movies, it's nice to see an Asian singer that can, you know, act. I hope he's in more things. So yeah, don't expect too much and you'll be pleasantly surprised. The Green Hornet earns three and a half bros out of five.

This is Sugary Cynic, and I'm ready to fight crime! All I need is a Kato to make all the cool stuff...and beat up all the bad guys. That too. 'Night!

Britt: (As they drive through South Central, he sees a pair of sneakers hanging over a telephone wire) "Woah...Kato, I think we're in the hood"


  1. My son wants to see this, I've let him read your review and he says and quote "Megan is awesome". Well he's 11 ;P and I think you may just have gained a new fan :)

  2. I'm just gonna come right out and say it: I don't know the banner quote.

  3. I want that necklace. Fuck my life. Baisez ma vie. Whatever.

    Also, fuck that confounded banner quote.

    Christoph Waltz is such a cutie pie.

  4. SJ: Agh! That's so cute! :D I always appreciate new fans :)

    Unwashed: Wow, I am both surprised and elated. Finally got you!

    Simon: Follow the link and talk to the Bee, I'm sure she could make you another :p and I'm loving that I've stumped you people!! Also, yes, Christoph Waltz forever (fist bump)


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