Monday, January 24, 2011

Cynic, Sugary Cynic. Shaken, Not Stirred....No Wait

So because I got to watch Roller Derby girls wrestle in jello at a bar, I'm appearing as a quoted source in someone's thesis.

Please take a moment to appreciate that sentence. I know I have.

Ok, so the thesis is written by a derby girl I go to school with who is writing on whether or not roller derby derails or enforces hetero-normative stereotypes but THAT IS NOT THE POINT. I am a quoted source, because of awesome things. And since you can't quote something like Wikipedia in an undergrad thesis, I am officially a more legitimate source than them.

Sugary Cynicism: An Official Quoted Source (Better Than Wikipedia) Since 2011

SUCK IT.

Ok, I'm done with that for now (but will totally bring it up as many times as possible in the near future because what fun is life if I can't be an egomaniacal ass-hat on the internet? The answer is NONE AT ALL). What was I talking about? James Bond. Yes, I was totally talking about James Bond, you just didn't notice because you were so in awe of my new-found officiality. But let's focus on the matter at hand, shall we?

There's rumblings of the next James Bond flick afoot, and even though they were finally gonna can that craggy blonde creature known as Daniel Craig, he's staying on for at least one more film. You know, so we can have a holy trinity of suck. Say what you will, Casino Royale wasn't wholly terrible, but the highlight/climax of the movie was a CARD GAME. The movie starts out with this bitchingly awesome parkour chase:



And what glorious wonders are to follow? How about World Series Poker? And a prissy little bad guy who cries blood tears when he bluffs at cards? Sounds like fun? No? Don't worry Bond gets stripped naked and has his nutsack whipped later. I Am Not Kidding.

Because this is a logical escalation from Texas Hold 'Em

And don't even get me started on Quantum of Suck. Ever since they decided to make the Bond series the Bourne series, it has been such crap. And wasn't Jason Bourne created as a sort-of American James Bond-type guy? So are we imitating the imitation of the original which we are and oh no I've gone cross-eyed.



My Point: The Bond series is kind of lame right now, part of what would help is if we ditched Daniel "My Face Looks Like A Cliffside Only With Less Acting Ability" Craig. Am I being too harsh? Let's read what we've got so far on the newest Bond film. Firstly, the current working title is apparently "James Bond: Red Sky At Night" which is only slightly less stupid a title than say, "James Bond: A Stitch In Time Saves Nine" or perhaps "James Bond: Turn Off The Dark"

Yes, it's a cheap shot but it's also a stupid thing to name a play about Spider-man

So, what's "Red Sky At Night, Super Spy's Delight" about? Well, we don't know yet, but sources claim that a chunk of filming will be done in Ontario, Canada and will feature "large stunt involving the Ontario Tower as well as a huge hockey game and skiing/winter sports sequences" and "a death-defying winter sports chase"

WOAH.

GUYS.

WOAH.

WINTER SPORTS!!!

HOT DAMN, I'VE GOT THE VAPORS THAT IS SO EXCITING.

Can we please make Clive Owen Bond now like we were going to before Craig showed up? And make it violent and awesome? And make the plot about an evil half-robot scientist that is trying to create a break in the space-time continuum to make himself Lord of the Universe but because he fractures space-time he accidentally brings Sean Connery Bond and Roger Moore Bond and maybe possibly Timothy Dalton Bond and Pierce Brosnan Bond but definitely not George Lazenby Bond into the same universe and they team up with Clive Owen Bond and fight off genetically engineered zombies, pausing only to sip martinis, have sex with various women and spout one-liners like, (Sean Connery Bond pulls off a zombie arm and proffers it to Owen Bond) "Need a hand?"



Hey, it's better than "huge hockey games"

This is Sugary Cynic, off to option some film rights. 'Night!

Jared: "I want to see Javi dressed up in variou silly costumes all the time. I don't know why"

Me: "You should tell him this"

Jared: "Another day"

6 comments:

  1. Except for the sex part, that sounds quite a lot like an episode of Doctor Who.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Oh roller derby...

    Hey who is the friend by the way? Would I know them? I would LOVEEEEEE to read their thesis!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I am in awe of your new-found officiality! Smile! As too this new James Bond Bugger, I am not. Outside of watching old JB movies I have not found anything close, except maybe 24 to whet my appetite for espionage. Hopefully they will do a movie on it!

    ReplyDelete
  4. This is tangential and you can call me crazy [again] if you like, but from my perspective…there hasn’t been a good Bond since “Sean” Bond.
    I remember thinking when Redford cast Brad Pitt in “A River Runs Through It” That he [Redford} intentionally cast a younger clone of himself for the role…and it worked!
    To that end…let Mr. Connery cast and direct a Bond movie with a younger clone of himself and get back to basics…that work…I’m just saying :)

    P.S. Congats on being quoted...you are sage.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Noli: Dang, I might have to start watching it

    Morose: It's Val Cannon, I'm sure if you ask she'll let you read it

    Ed: OFFICIALITY! Never watched 24, couldn't get past Kiefer Sutherland. I just can't take him seriously

    Simon: Indeed

    Ron: GET ME A CLONE OF SEAN CONNERY, THAT IS YOUR JOB NOW

    ReplyDelete

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