Thursday, September 30, 2010

Pseudo-Science Is My Favorite Science

Back for a double post, bitches! So today the sky turned yellow. YELLOW. What the crap is up with that? It's been raining constantly since yesterday cuz we got a tropical storm coming through and the fucking high school's got the day off but we got to slag through this lousy weather to class, not that I'm BITTER or anything. Perish the thought. The rain slackened a bit after dinner and that's when God decided to use the sepia filter and shit went all...yellow-y. It was weird and kinda apocalyptic looking and I have no idea why the hell it happened. And as the sun started set it just got YELLOWER. I tried to take a picture of it but the camera in my phone kept filtering out the yellow for whatever reason so you'll have to settle for this DRAMATIC REENACTMENT:

Ok, we can move on now.

So there is in fact few things more fun than watching Jurassic Park with someone who has never seen it and happens to be a science major currently taking classes know, dinosaur stuff. This was the case tonight when I sat down with Jasmine and Alexa, two science-y majors doing just that. Jasmine's seen it and all that but poor Alexa had no idea what she was in for. Me, being the Literature major and casual dino enthusiast, pretty much just accepted all the bullshit science in favor of watching velociraptors tear some shit apart, which lead to stuff like:

(The little DNA dude from the animated portion explains how they extracted dino-blood from mosquitoes trapped in amber, added in some frog DNA and presto! Dinosaurs!)

Me: Whatever you say, DNA version of Clippy.

Jasmine: You might wanna ignore this part...

Alexa: (too late) WHAT? No. NO. NO! That is not right!

Jasmine: Paying attention only makes it hurt more!

Alexa: This is wrong!! This is so much wrong!

And then they'd show the dinosaurs and Jasmine and Alexa would take turns pointing out how wrong and/or stupid the movie was. And the fact that real velociraptors looked less like this:

Holy shit, run! It smells your fear and finds it delicious!

And more like this:

Heehee, I wanna pet it and AGHHSWEETJESUS!! It's eating my face in a manner both hilarious and terribly painful!

So yeah. But really, you don't watch Jurassic Park for minute accuracy, or even much-larger-than-minute accuracy. You watch it to see the fat guy from Seinfeld get sprayed in the face with dinosaur poison. And the for dinosaurs. That too.

Never. Gets. Old.

This is Sugary Cynic saying "Clever girl" 'Night!

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

30 Sentence Story That Might Be About Birdwatching

'Sup Internet? I know, it's before noon, I'm shocked too. This is just a mini-post though, tonight's will go up same as usual. Why the special still-within-the-daylight-hours post? Because I have been tagged in (drumroll please)

The Kid In The Front Row 30 Sentence Story!

Manda at Memoirs of an ever-so Wordy Nerd has deigned for me to continue this story and write in my own sentence. Why she trusted me with this task is absolutely beyond me, but we're going to need someone with the appropriate awesomeness to clean up my mess so I in turn tag Simon over at Four of Them. Damage control falls to you :D

All right, let's do it!

The Story So Far

1. Jane never expected to visit Belarus, but it was the only possibly solution after what had happened.

2. Her lonely planet guide had advised her that it was a great place for birdwatching- so she packed her binoculars- Todd would have been proud, had he not been lying in a coma.

3. Poor Todd; Jane remembered the incident so well: he had spotted a rare long-whiskered owlet, had ran out into the street to snap a photo, and had thusly been hit by an ice cream truck.



























30. The three of them left as quickly as they could and vowed never to return again, especially if Jane was in town.

Fear my run-on sentences. Ok, that's all for now. Back to work!

Feh! (it's like meh but with more force)

Paper. Suuuuuucks. I think it sucks so much because I just really could give a shit about it, you know? Like the Orson Welles paper was a pain the ass to write but at least I cared about it and was interested in it. This one's for Immigration and I seriously could not care less. Sorry, immigrants.

Further proof that I am a terrible person

So one of my roommate's has been binging on X-Files in the common room. I haven't actually watched any of them because my door's shut and I'm ostensibly working on this paper (read: watching Stardust) but I've heard the opening theme somewhere close to a dozen times by now.

I fear for my sanity. Surely hallucinations of David Duchovny attempting to convince me that the truth is out there can't be far behind.

To change the subject, I am so fucking down with every new clip that comes out for RED. I cannot wait to see this movie!! Helen Mirren cappin' bitches, John Malkovich acting like a crazed bastard again, and Bruce Willis and Morgan Freeman, who really need only show up for me to be happy. Then I see stuff like this:

and this:

And I just get way too excited for my own good.

Not too much else to say tonight. Sorry for the less-than-awesome posts lately. As soon as I get through this week I'll have a lot less shit to do and a lot more time to practice being funny on the internet.

Cuz it's such a delicate art and all

All right, good night you crazy kids. Smoking that dope, listening to your rock and roll and wearing your pants all low. You stay out of trouble. I'll be over here, pretending to write about the difficulties second-generation immigrants have retaining their culture, but actually watching Robert DeNiro prance around in a dress. 'Night!

God, I love that movie.

Monday, September 27, 2010

I Have Nothing To Write About (Again)

Literally. All I've done is schoolwork and catch up on the two new Generator Rex episodes, which continue to be surprisingly awesome (just let me have my childish cartoons). And also job hunting, that too. Cuz I be broke. Which sucks. A lot. Anyone want to give me money? I can draw things...write children? Stock your shelves? ......Be sarcastic?


I started watching this pseudo-gangster/coming-of-age flick called The Narrows but it was unbearably boring, the only good thing about it was Vincent D'Onofrio, who was that quirky cop on Law and Order Criminal Intent before he was replaced by the far quirkier Jeff Goldblum.

Possibly because if they were on-screen together the sheer amount of quirk would turn the show from a police procedural into the movie Juno. And no one wants to see Jeff Goldblum as a sassy pregnant girl. And if you do, please don't tell me.

So yeah, the film was dull as hell, I couldn't even bothered to finish it. And when a film loses my interest, well you're definitely doing something wrong. I've sat all the way through the Princess and The Frog, Horton Hears A Who, X-men 3 and the remake of The Wicker Man for crying out loud! To be fair, The Wicker Man is absolutely amazing in the worst way. You know you have a terrible horror movie when it's this easy to make it look like a legit comedy:

Just watch it. It's worth it to see him to roundhouse kick Leelee Sobieski into a wall. And also steal a bike while dressed as a bear. I'll say this for The Wicker Man, it may be a cinematic abomination that is inexplicably dedicated to Johnny Ramone, but it sure ain't boring.

What else? Not much. My life is a dull one indeed. Probably going to go see the fluffy owl movie this weekend. I've never read the books and upon hearing the premise "it's like Lord of the Rings...but with owls!!" I should be put off. But I'm not. Personally I blame those fuckers 30 Seconds to Mars (who I usually hate) for somehow making a trailer about goddamn owls that is mostly nothing but flying and vague mentionings of "the guardians" ...good?

See, I should be thinking "this about owls. By the Happy Feet guys. This is stupid" but then that epic fucking music starts playing and it's all "Oooh! Adventures, shiny things! Bad-ass old owl-dudes!" and also "hee, that owl has a fluffy mohawk"

And then I become rather frightened that I am seen as an adult in the eyes of the law.

But you can't deny that that is one fluffy-ass mohawk.

This is Sugary Cynic, totally not humming along to the song. Honestly. For reals...I hate you Jared Leto. So much. 'Night!

Ashley: "I read 'Essence' magazine because it's the only way I can get in touch with and learn about my black heritage"

Me: "...You really are the worst minority ever"

Ashley: "I know"

Spoiler Alert!

Warning! Incorrect Spoilers below!

Rosebud was Citizen Kane's favorite Swedish hooker, the kid in The Sixth Sense was dead the whole time, Soylent Green is made of puppies, Neo and Trinity buy a house in the Matrix, Benicio Del Toro's character was Keyser Soze, the man in The Crying Game was really a woman, Tyler Durden is actually the narrator's grandfather, Darth Vader is Luke's best friend from Jedi Academy, Russell Crowe's best friend in A Beautiful Mind is crazy, Hagrid kills Dumbledore, The Planet of the Apes is actually a moon, The Village is actually in a zoo in the future, the 300 Spartans surrender, The Blair Witch is also Keyser Soze, Bugs Bunny framed Roger Rabbit, they never find Nemo, the Fifth Element is Shredded Wheat, the Da Vinci Code revealed that Jesus was black, ET kills the children, the killer in Psycho was Keyser Soze too, and on Lost, Locke makes sweet love to the Island and it gives birth to the polar bear.

And now you know.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Batman, Thesis and Temporary Adoption

So today I woke, reasonably confused considering my mental state, and stumbled down to the dining hall for what I thought would be a quiet breakfast/lunch/whatever you call it when you wake up after twelve, with a mostly empty dining hall full of similarly afflicted individuals. No such luck. I had forgotten that today was Family Day, and as such, the dining hall was packed with...families.

So yeah, Family Day. My parents have never been up for it but it's not really our family's style anyway. Either way, I was temporarily adopted by my roommate Shaina's parents and we went to the beach! And if you've been reading this blog long enough you know what comes next:

Witness the triumphant return of Bacon Cynic!

And then the school showed Toy Story 3, and it was nice to see that again. I had forgotten how unbelievably awesome Spanish Buzz Lightyear was. I think I might like him better than regular Buzz Lightyear. I can't wait til it comes out DVD!

So my thesis research is entering overdrive as I amass books, journals and sources in a Gollum-esque manner:

"Yessss, another Watchmen analysis to be my preciousss! Must keep Blake criticisms away from tricksy grad studentses!"

Maybe it was a good thing I went out in the sun.

Anyway, my professor was discussing the most effective ways to determine the usefulness of sources and the like and she gave us this sage advice, "No one has time to actually READ all the way through their sources, that's stupid! Indexes and tables of contents are your friend. I want you to," (pauses to write the following phrase on the board in all capital letters) "RAPE AND PILLAGE...well maybe not rape, per se, but definitely pillage"

I've always wanted to major in being a Viking warlord but I never could manage to take Intermediate Looting because it always conflicted with Longship Repair. Bummer. So I ordered this book for my Postmodern class from Amazon a while ago, but Amazon was a butt and lost it, which sucks. Thankfully it came the other day, but I didn't have it the day I needed the book but I can't be mad at Amazon because if they had never lost the book, I would never have found the awesomest thing ever. To whit: If Amazon had delivered the book on time I would not have had to go to the school library to hunt down an earlier edition of it. And if that hadn't happened I wouldn't have accidentally gone down the wrong row looking for the book and then I never would have spotted the comic book row (apparently we have one), never would have actually stopped to check out the copy of Bone we have and (finally) never would have noticed the copy of Gotham By Gaslight, an alternate universe incarnation of Batman that takes place in the late Victorian Era and was drawn by Mike Mignola of Hellboy fame.

It's a good thing my library has rules about screaming in high-pitched, fangirlish glee

So it's pretty good. It contains two stories, the second one by far being the weaker, focusing on this World's Fair type thing and a nutball in a blimp who wants to destroy it. The first story's much better, better pacing, better story better everything. It retells the Batman origin in the setting of England and America in the olden days, severally limiting Batman's arsenal, but not his awesomeness. The main focus is Bruce trying to hunt down Jack the Ripper and it's quite good til the end when we find out the identity of the Ripper (which is kind of ridiculous, who it is, I mean) and the reveal that Jack the Ripper is the one who killed Bruce's parents. I'm still torn on whether that's amazing or incredibly retarded.

So thank for you being a butt,, otherwise I would be distinctly lacking in Victorian Batman. This is Sugary Cynic saying "Go forth and pillage! But only on a metaphorical level" 'Night!

Shaina: (to her parents) "All you have to do is feed Ashley and she will love you forever"

Ashley: "It's true!"

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Post Cancelled Due To Rain

Infer from this picture what you will

Now if you excuse me, I have pressing collegiate matters to attend to. (Yes this was totally worth making a post for just so I can continue my ridiculous record of posting every single day since February 17th, and besides, you and I both know I've done worse cop-outs than this. Any stroll through the archives will tell you that)

And in my closing statements, I want to see this movie. It looks awesome. Barbossa is teaching Mr. Darcy how to not stammer at the behest of Bellatrix Lestrange.

Who knew speech impediments made for such high drama?

Okay, bye now, try not to make a mess on your way out.

Friday, September 24, 2010

Orson Welles Would Like To Talk To You About Sharks

And when Orson Welles wants to discuss something with you, generally you should listen:

Yes, Orson Welles cannot do an Irish accent. If that's all you noticed then you severely missed the point. The movie is Lady From Shanghai, which has absolutely nothing to do with Shanghai. It does have to do with forbidden love, murder plots, weird cruises taken with weirder characters, a court room scene that can't decide if it's goofy or dramatic and a surreal and wonderful finale that takes place in a funhouse hall of mirrors. And yeah, a really godawful Irish accent. After watching this movie, I had to invent a genre for it: screwball drama. If this were any other movie, it would play like some kind of wacky dark comedy but it's not, it's played totally straight and serious and *somehow* it works. I blame the voodoo of Orson Welles and anyway, it's less than an hour and a half long and worth sitting through if only for this excellent scene and the final scene as well.

It also doesn't hurt to have Rita Hayworth in it either

So today was pretty bland, with the bizarre exception of my Peoples of Latin America class where we watched this incredibly old VHS that was recorded off something even older about the Mayan cargo system in Guatemala, which is a way of selecting ceremonial backers for various saint's fiestas. Why the hell am I telling you this? Because the voice narrating it sounded so familiar, but I couldn't quite place it. About halfway through the film, it hit me:

David Mother-Fucking Carradine was teaching me about the Guatemalan Maya. Hell yes.

And yes I did look it up just to be sure.(And if I can digress for a moment, say what you want about Quentin Tarantino being overrated or a dick or having a weird foot fetish, you have to admit he has unbelievable ear for dialogue)

So yeah. That's about it. Also, recently Sylvester Stallone was voted the Ultimate Action Hero by...some poll thingy. Which is bullshit. Bruce Willis, dude. And Jackie Chan wasn't even on the list, which is like, bullshit squared. Whatevs. Who's your personal favorite action hero of all time? Bruce Lee? Harrison Ford? Arnie? Betty White?

This is Sugary Cynic saying "And where the hell is Clint Eastwood? You guys suck at polling!" 'Night!

"The only way to stay out of trouble is to grow old, so I guess I'll concentrate on that" -Orson Welles as Michael O'Hara in Lady From Shanghai

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Cloudy With A Chance Of...Awesome?

It is not often that I am wrong.

Well, there was the time that I thought my Physics teacher was a Russian spy and the time I tackled that dude I thought was Christian Bale (it wasn't), and the time I thought I could build a time machine using only a bicycle, a washing machine and a good deal of duct tape, and the time I was so sure that I could breach the space-time continuum with a smoothie blaster...

*Amended Statement*

It is not often that I am wrong *about movies*

It is, in fact, the rarest of rare occasions that I am EVER in a position to go "oh...well that was actually amazing/horrible" without being so sure ahead of time it would be one or the other. I can count on one hand the times a movie has proved me wrong and four out of five of those fingers has been when a movie I thought looked good turned out to be a pile of crap. But then there's the one, the movie that I was SO sure would be utter garbage and actually turned out to be...good. I mean, you can't blame when a movie poster screams of awful this much:

Hey! Remember that book you loved as a small child about a town where it only rained food? Now it's a movie about a socially-awkward inventor who has daddy issues! And there's a talking monkey!

So you can understand why I was skeptical. I LOVED the Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs book when I was a munchkin and when I heard they were making a movie, I got nervous, and when I saw the trailer and that they had mangled the story beyond compare, I got ticked off. So yeah, I was biased against it. But the whole storyline, the dorky, misunderstood inventor, the island fishing town full of sardines, the friggin monkey! This had all the makings of crap. And yet...

Everyone kept telling me to watch it and saying it was awesome. Keep in mind, these are the same people that sang praises of the Princess and The I Have Already Grown Bored. So I was still skeptical. Last night, after I finished my readings for class I wanted to decompress and it was on Netflix and I figured "why not? At the very least I can make fun of it on the internet" the problem?

It's actually really good

I know!! What makes this movie good? Well, it's actually funny for starters, and the rest is a series of "buts" (stay with me on this)

The story is now about an awkward inventor named Flint who just wants to be accepted by his dad. They live on a sad little fishing island where there are only sardines, lots and lots of sardines. In order to become beloved by his town and also stave off sardine-induced blandness, Flint creates a machine that converts water to food and accidentally sends it into orbit, causing food to rain down onto the town. Eventually this catches the attention of the media, who send over a perky weather intern to check it out. This girl, Sam, of course ends up falling for Flint and of course the machine starts to go nuts and so on and so forth.

BUT, the main characters are voiced by Bill Hader and Anna Faris and they are incredibly funny.

There's your typical power-hungry mayor character who is an ass-butt BUT, he's voiced by Bruce Campbell, and therefore amazing.

I should know. We hang out.

There is in fact a talking monkey, BUT, he's voiced by Neil Patrick Harris and, well just watch the clip:

Yes, that monkey did just reference Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom by removing that giant gummi bear's still-beating heart. And that is WONDERFUL.

James Caan plays Flint's dad, who does not appreciate his gifts, blah blah blah BUT, he has a scene where all he has to do is raise his eyebrow (singular, its a monobrow of doom) and it's funny as hell. For reals.

Also there is a police officer. He is voiced by Mr. T. There is no "but", that's fucking awesome. His hair is in a nega-T, with normal hair and a bald stripe in the middle where his mohawk would be. He has chest hairs that sense danger:

So yeah, it's really funny. There's a lot sight gags to catch too. Early on we see Flint inventing a mobile television that goes crazy and runs off, popping up periodically during the movie, most notably, it breaks into a TV store and loots a human. They also make a a lot of cliched jokes but then make it better by lampshading them a second later, like when you see food landing on the Eiffel Tower, the Great Wall of China, Mount Rushmore, etc, and the news anchor says: "The food storm is following a peculiar pattern and hitting all the world's major landmarks first"

And sometimes it's just kind of epic:

I know I showed you a lot of the movie, but that's honestly not even half of the funny/weird/amazing crap in this movie. The characters are hilarious, the story is exciting and you're too busy laughing to worry about plot holes and other such whatnot. I may not be wrong often, but in this case I'm glad I was. Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs, while it pretty much just takes the title and basic concept from the book, is clever, funny, sweet and the CGI animation is incredible. You can get lost watching it look all pretty and stuff. A surprising four catapults out of five. So if, like me, you didn't bother watching it because it looked dumb, chalk it up to lousy advertising and it give it a watch, it'll be a pleasant surprise.

And now I'm hungry. Dammit. This is Sugary Cynic, avoiding food-related puns at all costs. 'Night!

Flint Lockwood: "Come on, Steve. We've got a diem to carpe!"

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

A Case Of The Mondays...On Tuesday

Plenty more movies seen, but I don't feel like doing a movie review. I've been feeling really out of it, and while it makes more sense to chalk things up to general sleep-deprivation, but it feels like more than that. Last year my problem was that I felt stuck, rooted in place while everything around me changed. Now I feel like everything is changing and whirling by faster than anyone could ever keep up. I'm worried I'm going to get left behind, that I'm not going to be fast enough and I'm going to miss it but at the same time like I myself am moving too fast and I can't do anything to slow down. I know it doesn't make much sense but it's bugging me nonetheless.

Sorry to all the new followers I have recently acquired (Google is finally at 50! And Networked is over 60!) a peek through the archives shows that I am not typically a bag of angst and usually much more fun :D maybe I just need some more sleep.

If this didn't make you go "awww!" then you DON'T HAVE A SOUL. Seriously, this is how we find out who's a Terminator

So yeah, in conclusion, taking a personal evening and stuff to sort through my issues while listening to Sarah McLachlan and gazing solemnly into the middle distance.

What? do you expect to properly brood and/or soul-search without my reflective-pose fedora and the appropriate mood lighting? GOSH.

See you tomorrow for brighter skies and better posts. 'Night!

Shaina: (on taking a Spanish test) So I was trying to write "his arm was broken" but I forgot the word for broken. I know in French it's "casse" in the infinitive so I wrote down "casar" because I couldn't remember what it meant and it sounded close. Except then I did remember what it meant but it was too late. I ended up writing "his arm was married."

The Princess And The Hilariously Racist Stereotypes aka Why God Am I Still Awake?

I'm up to nearly 37 hours. That is a lot of hours. But dammit I was there at 5am for Universal sign-ups that filled up completely by 5:17am. They called me crazy but who has a ticket to Harry Potter Land now, bitches? (It's me. I do) So before I go any further, yeah fair warning 90% of this is going to be pure exhaustion-garble. Raisinets. Ok, that time I was just testing you. Also! Be sure to head on over to If I Had A Blog, where the ever-rocktastic Ron interviewed me. Because I am that cool. Or something. Read it, it's full of witticisms and vitamin C (still testing you).

So I only had one class, and I barely made it through conscious. After that I did what any sleep-deprived college student with free time would do: I watched The Princess and The Frog.

It was the obvious choice

So background: I don't give a rat's ass about the Disney princess movies because I am neither seven years old or insane. I even have trouble re-watching stuff that I actually really like, like Beauty and the Beast and Mulan because my stupid Liberal Arts education has allowed me to see all the inaccuracies, the flaws, the gender-stereotyping-get-married-and-find-a-man-dammit bullshit. So yeah, me and princess movies don't hang out anymore, which is why The Princess and the Frog wasn't even on my radar when it came out. But everyone was all like "It's sooo good! It's a return to Disney greatness! Black princess! It has a classic feel! They're doing musicals again! Black princess!"

But I did not care. Til now...well, I still don't care, but I actually sat down and watched the thing.


I mean, it's not a bad movie, and the return to 2D animation made me realize just how much I missed it. The movie's art is gorgeous. But the story's the same cookie-cutter crap about believing in dreams, working hard to make them come true and finding a man and popping out some goddamn babies. For Walt Disney. Because he feeds on them. Also, people kept having fangasms over the songs. In this case, I am a little biased because I despise Randy Newman and all of his Newman-ness, but I just didn't think the songs were that great. Again, not bad, but they didn't pop, they didn't stand out. Except the bad guy's song, Friends On the Other Side, sung by the dude with the voodoo, Dr. Facilier aka The Shadow Man:

Hell yeah! It even referenced Baron Samedi with that facemask dealie he had on at the end and that is awesome!! Yeah, he's the coolest part of the movie by far.

Mostly because he is voiced by Keith David, who spends his leisure hours secreting awesome

I suppose I should actually discuss the plot but there's not much. Tiana is a hard-working girl trying to start her own restaurant who needs to learn that there's more to life than working (namely getting married) and her mom, played by Oprah keeps trying to tell her, but to no avail. Meanwhile Prince Naveen is the prince of some made-up country and has come to New Orleans (where the story takes place) to find a rich-ass chick and marry cuz Mommy and Daddy have cut him off. Factor in one visit to the Shadow Man and bam! He's a frog. And then he kisses Tiana and they're both frogs! Now they're on a quest to find this other witch doctor out on the swamp to change them back. Along the way they meet an Jazz-playing alligator named Louis who oscillates from hilarious and adorable to fucking annoying and a redneck Cajun firefly named Ray. Do all these characters learn important things about themselves and dreams and other stupid crap? YES, ONLY IT TAKES FOREVER. But Naveen actually has some pretty funny lines.

This movie draaaaaaaaaaaags. A lot. It is slow as hell. And all the white people are dicks. Naveen's manservant Lawrence starts out a pitiable punching-bag of a character and evolves into a dick. Tiana's rich white friend Charlotte is good-natured and nice to Tiana but she's also a spoiled brat who always gets what she wants thanks to her fat rich dad named (ohgodwhy) Big Daddy. And he's voiced by John Goodman (makeitstop). Also there are redneck Cajun hunters who would make the gang from Deliverance seem like sophisticated readers of the New Yorker in comparison. One of them is named Two-Fingers BECAUSE HE ONLY HAS TWO FINGERS. SHUT UP MOVIE, I DISLIKE YOU.

Overall: Wheee, black princess! Doesn't matter, she ends up married just like the rest of Disney's ethnic princess rainbow. The story is slow, most of the songs aren't great and I was actively rooting for The Shadow Man (who, in all fairness, was sooo cool!) Two catapults out of five. Fucking frogs.

There was one other cool thing, the good witch-doctor's house:

I want that to be my secret hideout!!

This is Sugary Cynic saying "what the hell all did I just type?" 'Night!

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Insomnia, Harry Potter and The World Of Tomorrow aka My Life Is Weird

Before we get into anything, this song is awesome. Not Cee Lo Green awesome, but close. I didn't think anyone could ever make me like a Disney song, but dammit, the Suburban Legends did it:

Not available for commercial release :(

Ok, now we can begin. So tomorrow at seven in the morning is the sign-ups for Islands of Adventure aka MOTHER-EFFING HARRY POTTER LAND. But seven in the morning for some of the rabid little bastards on campus means several hours before seven in the morning (tickets are limited). So me, Javi and Zeke are staying up all night to beat the crowds and such. You may remember a similar occasion last year for Disney, 'cept that was at night. And for Disney, as opposed to Harry Potter Land. And in the words of Liz Lemon:

Also last night was a real nasty flashback to high school when I had insomnia a lot of the time. I was totally exhausted from chasing small children in laser tag and playing DanceDance Revolution...Er, I mean, doing shots, lots of shots. And clubbing. And other activities appropriate for my age bracket as opposed to a ten year old's. Either way, I was tired. So I went to bed early and instead got several lovely hours of:

Finally, I desperately popped some Benadryl and after an indeterminate eternity, fell asleep and proceeded to have some of the worst nightmares I have had in my entire life. And I didn't have the pleasure of mostly forgetting them or half-remembering, no they are emblazoned in my brain as clear as day and every time I think of them my stomach feels queasy. So I'd just as soon not sleep tonight anyway.

So, on to things that suck less. The other day I finally got around to watching the rather wordily-titled Sky Captain and The World of Tomorrow. I avoided it at first, partly because I heard it was lousy and also because, what with the whole "filmed entirely on blue screen" dealie, it seemed like a gimmick movie. But I had a free afternoon and it was available on Netflix's instant play so I figured I'd give it a shot.

Photoshop Captain and The Photoshop of Photoshop

So, as it turns out, the movie's actually pretty fun. It's an old-style adventure, the kind where all the character's names are alliterative, and the hero drinks milk and everyone says "ghee whiz". The CGI is actually really cool and well-done and it's generally too fast-paced and exciting for you to focus on any of the negative aspects.

So the movie centers on intrepid (read: obnoxious) reporter Polly Perkins, played by Gwyneth Paltrow. Polly is on the case of a mysterious killer picking off German scientists despite her editor Dumbledore telling her it's too dangerous. Dumbledore keeps popping up in the movies I watch lately...Anyway, Polly is quickly established as that irritating character who will do anything to get a story, including almost getting trampled by giant robots when they attack the city.

Look at that, it's pretty fucking intimidating! Most people see giant robots and are like "Run away!" whereas Polly's more "Run towards it, trip over nothing and then stare up in terror as opposed to moving out of the way"

Anyway, Sky Captain comes swooping in to save the day in his bad-ass fighter plane. Which is awesome. The whole scene rocks. His real name is Joe Sullivan and he's played by an especially prissy Jude Law. So it turns out Joe and Polly used to be romantically involved and eventually end up teaming up when discovering that the robots and the missing scientists are connected. The plot is pretty threadbare and extremely retarded when examined too closely, involving a spaceship ark, a robot girl and archival footage of Lawrence Olivier, but it exists to propel the characters from awesome battle to awesome chase to awesome escape, so I can't complain.

Joe and Polly bitch and moan at each other the whole time though, and that does get old pretty quick. Luckily, the supporting characters are pretty cool, including Giovanni Ribisi as Dex Dearborn, Joe's resident techie. I feel like every time I see Giovanni Ribisi in a movie he's playing a douchebag (Avatar, Lost in Translation, Cold Mountain etc) but here he's friggin adorable. Dex is just too cute. And then, possibly to counterbalance Gwyneth Paltrow's annoying, whiny character is Angeline Jolie as Franky Cook, a captain of a mobile British air base. Here is a list of why she is awesome:

1. She does not whine and bitch

2. She has an eye-patch

3. She commands a MOBILE AIR BASE, as in a giant, floating aircraft carrier

4. She is confident and bad-ass

5. She blows up a robot with her plane, ejecting seconds before impact and then flying away on a jetpack.

Can we just watch a movie about her?

Unfortunately, she's in the movie for like 15 minutes, maybe. Such a cocktease. Overall, it's a good time, with wonderfully kick-ass action scenes and CGI that looks damn good. It has that old-timey sense of fun and adventure and it has one of the best ending lines ever. It's hilarious, go watch it. On the other hand, both Paltrow and Law get annoying after awhile, and while the CGI backgrounds aren't distracting, the bloom sure as hell is.


All in all, Sky Captain and the Lack of Angelina Jolie gets three and a half extra-shiny catapults out of five. Don't think too much and you'll enjoy it.

And that is all for tonight! See ya tomorrow if I'm not hallucinating Batman by then. This is Sugary Cynic saying "I have nothing witty to say, watch this instead"

I won't ruin it with words. 'Night!

Polly: "Joe, I wanna ask you something and I want you to tell me the truth. I don't care one way or the other, I swear. I just need to know. The girl in Nanjing was Franky, wasn't it?"

Joe: "Polly..."

Polly: "How long were you seeing her?"

Joe: "Look me in the eyes. I never fooled around on you. Never."

Polly: "I sabotaged your plane"

Joe: "Three months"


Tonight I went to Boomers with Zeke and Akiva. I may have had a little too much fun

Saturday, September 18, 2010

In Which I Lose All My Respect For Orlando Bloom (Cuz There Was So Much To Begin With)

Woah, afternoon post?! SHOCK! I'm writing and it's daylight out. My mind, she is blown. Anyway, there might be a legit movie review later on, depending on how the night goes but there's something that I wanted to talk about RIGHT NOW:

I know not whether to laugh or cry. No wait, it's laugh, definitely laugh

We always knew Ol' Orly was a bit of a sissy, but at least he was a hot sissy:

Why yes, you can totally read me your "sensitive" poems about birds. Just do it with your shirt off

So why's he dressed like he's on his way to a convention for the Foppishly Hilarious? *Sigh* because they're making another Three Musketeers. Because this such a fresh and awesome idea that





at all

So yeah, apparently Bloom has been tapped to play the Duke of Buckingham. But don't worry, he's not the only one embarrassing himself. There's also,

Christoph Waltz as Cardinal Richeleu (He's trying to hide, but it's hard to do in that bright red cape)

That dude who cried blood tears in Casino Royale as Rochefort (and looking like he just pooped himself a bit)

Milla Jovovich as the Lady D'Wynter (and apparently trapped in some kind of mirror-thing)

Mister Darcy as a very hairy Athos

And Logan Lerman (pause for intense bouts of laughter) as D'Artagnan (OhGodICan'tBreathe)

The film also stars Luke Evans and Ray Stevenson as Aramis and Porthos, but they are apparently a lot better at avoiding having their picture taken. The film's due for April of 2011 I believe, and I'm not gonna lie, I wanna see it. Based on just these pictures. This look's like it will be absolutely hilariously shitty. Like a trainwreck of clown cars or something. Also, it's directed by Paul W.S. Anderson, aka the dude who brought us such gems as Mortal Kombat, Death Race, Alien vs Predator and the lumbering Resident Evil series. Sounds like a winner to me! *wink*

So yeah. Chew on that one for awhile. And here's a little something for the road:

(insert wild paroxysms of laughter here)

Friday, September 17, 2010

Sometimes You Have To Make Your Own Awesome

Make that awesomeness happen on your own terms! Is your life not awesome, then go out and change it! Go and chase awesomeness down, grab it by the scruff of it's neck and tell it "HEY! From this point forward my life's gonna FUCKING ROCK!"

Motivation, the Sugary Cynic way.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Plunkett and Macleane, aka Victorian Highwaymen, 90's Style

Hello people of earth and also Canada (have I used that one? I feel like I might have used that one already), so I've somehow managed to watch a ton of movies today, mostly because there wasn't much else to do (a rare occasion). So I have a lot of film fodder to go through in the next few posts. Tonight though, I'll do a movie I watched as I was slaving over my paper, about Victorian highwaymen (the movie, not the paper) called Plunkett and Macleane that starred the once-hot Johnny Lee Miller, the still-funny-looking Robert Carlyle and the-jury's-out Liv Tyler.

If you guessed that this movie is from the 90's...well duh. Just look at it.

So the movie centers on Johnny Lee Miller's character, Jamie Macleane, the son of a vicar who is wealthy enough to know the wealthy without actually being wealthy. Aristocracy! One night, after witnessing a coach robbery gone awry he befriends Will Plunkett, played by Robert Carlyle. Plunkett is a thief and a brigand but still a better class of dude than Macleane (it's a heavy-handed statement on what it really means to be a gentleman! DEEP!). Anyways, Plunkett realizes that with Macleane's connections and his thievery know-how, they could rob the shit of the rich, and proceed to do just that to the tune of throbbing techno music because it's the 90's dammit and if it's not ridiculously anachronistic, it's just not good!

Unfortunately, the music is really just techno-y garbage, it's not even the cool anachronistic music, like:

God I love that movie

Back on track!

So Plunkett and Macleane make some serious bank robbing the rich and have various wacky misadventures such as when Macleane gets crotch pox from a rich lady he seduces, or when they attempt to rob Liv Tyler's character Rebbecca and her guardian, Lord Dumbledore, and she headbutts the shit out of Macleane. He has trouble with the ladies. And with Alan Cumming's character, Sir Rochester, but that's for different reasons entirely.

...Yeah. Although I will say this is one of the few movies where Alan Cumming did not annoy the crap out of me. Generally his whole Alan Cumming-ness is super irritating to me, but here he's actually really funny. Still weird. But funny.

So yeah, while Plunkett dreams of taking the money and going to America and Macleane's falling in love with Rebbecca, who is all feisty and badass, they're being chased by this dude named Mr. Chance who runs around jabbing people's eyeballs, blackmailing Lord Dumbledore and just generally being a dickweed. And he almost gets them and then there's a carriage explosion (not kidding), and then Macleane makes the fatal mistake of not getting the fuck out of there when the gettin's good cuz he's waiting for Rebbecca. Plunkett feels all betrayed and junk and leaves and OF COURSE it was a trap and OF COURSE Macleane gets his ass captured. At this point you may be wondering if:

A. Macleane is hanged and dies a horrible death (which is historically accurate to the real James Macleane)

B. Rebbecca sleeps with Mr. Chance to save him (hell naw, she's too cool)

or C. Plunkett comes to save him at the very last minute riding a literal white horse and with smoke bombs and swordfighting and what is the best music in the whole movie

If you picked A or B, then we're not friends anymore. (Seriously, that scene is so cliched and yet SO DAMN EPIC. I blame the music)

Unfortunately, there's no clip of it in English, but you still get the full effect of the musical awesomeness:


So yeah, it's a typical action/adventure period piece. It's funny, it's exciting and Robert Carlyle and Johnny Lee Miller play very well off each other. Is it high cinematic art? Oh Godjesus no, but it sure ain't boring. Three and a half catapults out five for robbing from the rich and giving sexy to the audience.

Man, what is it with guys looking hot in period costume? I'm just gonna blame it on the fact that I'm a literature student with a heavy background in British Lit...yes, that's why.

So lastly, there was a thing on Total Film where they showed the best photoshopped pictures of the infamous Struttin' Leo DiCaprio from the set of Inception. You know the one...

Some of them were perfect and some of them were retarded, I grabbed the ones that made me laugh so hard I almost peed.

This is Sugary Cynic saying, "See Leo. See Leo strut. Strut, Leo, strut!" 'Night!

Macleane: "Still swinging both ways, Rochester?"

Lord Rochester: "Jamie, I swing every way"

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