Saturday, July 31, 2010

THE GRAND FINALE aka Helen Mirren Would Win A Bitch Fight

Hey guys, so today was pretty slow, I do want to announce the arrival of a new thingy I will be doing this coming week that shall be known as Bat Week! Devised by none other Jon, my BFFDTGC (Best Friend Forever Due To Geographical Convenience), Bat Week is a trip through the three directors and six movies of the Batman series, the first two by Tim Burton, the shitty two by Joel Schumacher, and the most recent two by Christopher Nolan. We briefly considered including the two awesome animated Batman movies, Mask of the Phantasm and Return of the Joker as well as the crazy-ass 60's movie with Adam West, but good God, we are only human. So look forward to lots and lots and LOTS of Batman: The good, the bad, and erect-nipple-suited.

Who knew that fighting Gotham's criminal element was such a turn-on?

There's really not much to talk about except-

ahem!

What was that?

AHEM!

Eh?

Ah-bloody-hem!

Oh. Oh my. Ms. Mirren, you're looking unnaturally ripped this evening. As if I didn't have enough traumatizing memories of my grandmother kicking my ass in arm wrestling. Please go back to crashing through the surf like the terrifying example of a mature sex goddess you are and I'll go back to talking about-

Ahem!!

Jesus, what now?



Ah, Jeremy Irons. And you brought a large bladed weapon from one of your several atrocious fantasy films. What's weird is that Helen Mirren's abdominals are still more intimidating. Anyway, like I was saying when-

Oh for Christ's sake just show whatever threatening picture of Chow Yun Fat is next, I'm ready!



No I'm not.

As I am oh so subtly hinting towards, (or if for some reason you didn't see the title), my search for a new questionable celebrity role model has reached it's peak, and it's time for an all-out brawl. Helen Mirren has decided to use her cripplingly awesome swimsuit figure as her weapon, Jeremy Irons has chosen a frightening mix of a really big sword and the ability to sing Broadway tunes, and Chow Yun Fat will use...his mustache.

And guns. Those too.

Let the bloodbath begin!


Ever the English gentleman, Irons avoids going after Mirren (or maybe just because he's afraid of her) and instead takes a swing at Chow Yun Fat, slicing off the muzzle of his machine gun while giving a rousing rendition of "Be Prepared" from the Lion King. But Chow Yun Fat IS prepared and has several handguns hidden on his person. Run, Jeremy Irons, run!

Meanwhile, Helen Mirren isn't just sitting around preening while the boys go at it. She's got her Queen Elizabeth wig out and without so much as a shred of national unity, begins to savagely beat Jeremy Irons over the head with it. Revenge for his scene stealing in their HBO miniseries together?

(Suddenly, my brother walks in)

Jared: "What the hell's going on?"

Me: "Several rather famous actors are fighting for the title of my idol."

Jared: "...Have you been eating the instant coffee grounds again?"

Me: "Yes."

And suddenly the fight takes an unexpected turn when doves appear from nowhere! Those nasty little albino pigeons are everywhere and Irons and Mirren are blinded, but strangely, Chow Yun Fat seems used to them!



It looks like Chow Yun Fat has gained the upper hand! Because he has the warrior bad-ass's code of honor, he too disregards Helen Mirren and leans in to stab Jeremy Irons with his own sword while the terrified actor wails a song from My Fair Lady. But wait! Tired of being ignored, Helen Mirren has taken a prop from her new movie RED and shit is about to get real:

You are encouraged to make your own machine gun noises at this point in the post

The dust settles and the one left standing is the multiple-times Queen of England herself, Helen Mirren!

Suck it, bitches

You saw it here, folks. Helen Mirren is-

Waittaminute, what now?!



Sean Connery has returned! And he brought a...what the hell is that? Whatever strange wooden token he has with him, he's using it on Helen Mirren because, as Barbara Walters reported, Sir Sean has a bit of an issue with smacking up ladies. That issue being that he has none.



You're not winning any new points, Connery.

But it seems Bond has stopped attempting to concuss Mirren and she is kicking his ass with her large and manly thighs of DOOM. They seem pretty evenly matched but now, wait, they're changing tactics, it's a whole new fighting style, and...oh God they're having sex.



Well...if Helen Mirren was the winner, and Sean Connery is currently giving her the business...Huh. Sean Connery wins.

Don't act like you didn't see this coming


*blink* *handful of coffee grounds* *blink*

Seriously, what just happened?

"Hell if I know. Nap time?"

...Yeah ok. This is is Sugary Cynic with a mouth full of instant coffee grounds and a living room full of wounded actors. And now Jeremy Irons is raiding the fridge. Awesome. 'Night.

"Perhaps I'm not a good actor, but I would be even worse at doing anything else" -Sean Connery

Friday, July 30, 2010

Readin' Scott Pilgrim



OHMYGOSH IT'S WONDERFUL.

Go 'way.

For reals.

Look today was straight up awful, work sucked every kind of ass, I got yelled at for eating at a desk that no one goes to anyway because they don't give me a long enough break to eat my lunch. I thought they had screwed up my paycheck AGAIN but they really just pay me that little, one of the awesome people who worked there is moving on to a better job and an airhead kumbaya-strummer who wears jean-overall-dresses is taking his place. One of the girls who works there is having issues with guy workers saying dickish and sexual things to her and she told the BOSS-boss, the head honcho and he said:

Boys will be boys



So I was going to go to Tate's, aka Florida's comic book mecca, with Jon to blow off some steam. I pull up outside his house, call him and tell him to get his ass out and he says his mother called two seconds before me to tell him he has to go to church and she will not take no for an answer (he was reasonably confused by this). I didn't even know church on Friday nights were a thing (but then I know more about open-heart surgery than I do about churches)

Church Knowledge:

1. When 24-hour drive-thru Elvis chapels are unavailable, marriages occur there

2. People pray in them, or something

3. Occasionally, they have gongs


Open-heart Surgery Knowledge:

1. Used to fix heart disease

2. You gotta open up the chest to do it, and that is icky

3. Before you do it, it's best to stop the heart and drain it of blood, using hypothermia, or dark and mysterious voodoo of a gypsy nature

4. If the heart starts spurting, you did something very wrong



So yeah, no Jon. I went anyway, got lost because I am dumb, found the place and indulged in a good 2 hours of being in a warm cocoon of geekery. And got Scott Pilgrim, which is the first non-shitty thing that has happened today, so I'm gonna get back to that.

Are you still here?



(Caption when Scott Pilgrim kisses Knives Chau)
"BUT IT WAS HORRIBLE. FOR EVERYONE. And that includes you."

Thursday, July 29, 2010

This Is My Brain Right Now



It is not a friendly place to be.

Also to anyone who happens to care (namely, fans of the Avatar: The Last Airbender cartoon), the creators are looking to wash away the horrific stench of Shamalamalon by creating a new companion series to the show! (or a mini-series. Or one-off movie. details are still sketchy). It's called Avatar: The Legend of Korra and it takes place 70 years after the original series and focuses on the next Avatar, a spunky teenage girl named Korra from the Southern Water Tribe who travels to what's supposed to be this kick-ass steampunk metropolis called Republic City to learn airbending from Aang's son, Tenzin.

Which means Aang finally got some

Once there Korra becames embroiled in stopping criminals and anti-bending revolutionaries. So basically she's like Batman, if he were a teenage girl who could kill you with nature. AWESOME. This is the only promotional photo so far:

See?! She is Batman! Just look at her brood over the city

The series is expected to premier sometime next year, you'll know when you hear the high-pitched squeal of joy from Avatar dorks the world over. For more info, an interviews with the show's creators and a hilarious moment where they try really hard not to openly express their thinly-veiled hatred for the movie, go here...I cant feel my left eye anymore. Is that bad? I hope not. 'Night!


Interviewer: "What did you guys think of the live-action version of “The Last Airbender”?"

Konietzko: "We’re just really focused on this new show right now, and kind of taking this off in its own direction and not concerning ourselves with that right now."

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Reboots, Remakes and...Er, Resequels?

Discovered in Barnes and Noble the other day:

I think the phrase "disco stardom" really just ties it all together

So, today's post is a part of a blogamathon by that Kid Who Tends To Sit Way Down In Front, and the theme, if you haven't guessed and have a family of voles where your brain is supposed to be, is sequels, reboots and remakes: thoughts, opinions and generally juvenile humor.

...It could work. Hey, it's better than Logan Lerman!

On remakes and reboots:

In theory, this is a good idea. Take something that was awesome and do something more with it, either update it so it can touch a whole new generation, or maybe with current technology make it as awesome as it was meant to be when conceived but couldn't be because it was made in olden times before CGI and color TVs. In practice, these usually suck because they are slapdash, shitty, with no respect paid to the source material and done for the money.

It's only a matter of time, really.

The only good reboot/remake thing I can think of off the top of my head is Batman Begins, because it brought dignity and badassery back to the world of Batman. How? By writing a strong story, paying proper respect to the source material and losing those goddamn batsuit nipples. It was the Batman that everyone had been wanting and now with new tech, a director who was not off his meds and good actors, it could be done.

George Lucas also chose to do this with Star Wars, update his baby and give it the techno-awesome that was in his head from the beginning but that he was never able to-

Oh right, I forgot. Those were terrible.

Sequels are a bit more of a mixed bag. Sometimes a story is begging to be continued and people fall in love with characters that they want to see in new situations and scenarios. And sometimes franchises need to be milked of every last cent. This is what separates the Shrek 3's from the Toy Story 3's, the 50th Saw movie in the last two years from....um...The Dark Knight?

Look, the sooner we just admit Christopher Nolan is our Geek God the better

What am I rambling about? Reboots and remakes aren't necessarily a bad idea, The Departed is a kicking remake of Infernal Affairs that stands well on it's own, but do we REALLY need to redo Spiderman? And does the fact that Let Me In looks really faithful to Let The Right One In give it justification to exist? (The answer is no), and if he's in China doing MATERNAL FORNICATING KUNG-FU just call it the freaking Kung-Fu Kid!!

Ahem. Sequels, on the other hand, can be a great continuation of a wonderful beginning, provided the same heart and soul that made the first one so likable is infused into the sequel. And if they really do make Indiana Jones 5 I will stab Stephen Spielberg in the eyeball with an icepick.

This is Sugary Cynic saying "I had to save pictures of Taylor Lautner, Megan Fox and Jar Jar Binks to my computer. I feel...unclean" 'Night!

Sheri: "So does Inception look good?"

Me: "People have described it like Christopher Nolan popping out of the screen and giving everyone homemade cupcakes with pink frosting and rainbow sprinkles while all the cast serenades you and Leonardo Dicaprio gently rocks you in your chair. Something like that"

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

So Could I Maybe Ask You A Favor?

Hey peoples! New banner quote! Hopefully kinda slightly maybe a little difficult. On to today's post. Er...ok, so ages ago back when I had maybe two readers I put up a prologue thingy I was working on because when I'm not spewing nonsense on here I am actually trying to be a legit writer (the shock!). Anyway, it's a shitty prologue, don't go looking for it in the archives (I'm going to go delete in case you're one of those "don't think about purple elephants!" "I'm thinking about purple elephants" types) the point is I'm working on a new story and now that I have actual readers and stuff, figured maybe I'd post a bit of it because my biggest issue when working is this thought that I'm writing a ton of pages and getting all down and it turns out to be crap. It's hard for me to separate what's actually crap from what's just me being weird.



So yeah, be my objective...thing, and tell me what you think. Does it grab your interest? Is it retarded? Do you want to read more? Should I never do this again? Let me know. The background: Currently untitled and still in the early stages this is planned as a supernatural sort of parody-noir. Detective fiction but with demons and juvenile humor. Something like that. Here's what I've got as an opening so far, I can't figure out how to format it for the blog so all the paragraphs are chopped apart which is annoying but shouldn't mess with the flow or whatever:

Ellis had known that Barnabas would give him crap for going to the group meeting. His typical sneer had crossed his face as he cackled, “A support group? For cigarettes? I knew you were a precious a little girl, but I didn’t know there were enough like you to make a whole group!”
Ellis had rolled his eyes, stolen Barnabas’s Ipod and gone on his way. Ok, maybe a group meeting for people trying to quit smoking was a little much. But he’d tried time and again over the years to quit with no success.

The gum? Nasty.
The patch? He’d ended up wearing about twelve at a time.
Herbal remedies? Ha. Not even close.

It was just so easy to keep smoking rather than do something about it. But Ellis was getting older, older than he’d like to admit anyway. And as his job didn’t grant him much of a lifespan as it was, there was no reason to make it even shorter by continuing to suck the nicotine stick. So he was going to the group meeting, figuring he’d find a bunch of people going through the same issues. Well, not exactly the same but close enough that he might get some better support than Barnabas, whose idea of a helping hand was one making an extremely rude gesture.

He pulled his battered old car into the parking lot, taking a moment to smooth out his shirt and adjust his glasses. Ugh, glasses. Just another part of getting old that Ellis wanted nothing to do with. Still, it was either be blind, wear glasses or fiddle with contacts and there was far too much eyeball poking going on with that, and also a weird childhood fear from a story he had heard where someone’s contact shifted to the back of their eye and could not be removed. So glasses it was.

He walked into the community center and found the room, a box of doughnuts and a carton of coffee in the center on a little table surrounded by twitchy, nicotine-deprived individuals.

Why is it always doughnuts and coffee? He wondered as he took a seat between a jowly man and official-looking businesswoman who already had four empty Styrofoam cups scattered around her feet. Why can’t it ever be something different, like tea and crackers? Or milk and cookies? Gin and sandwiches? Ok maybe not.

Ellis knew the group leader the instant he walked in. Maybe walk wasn’t the appropriate word. He bounded in, with a bright blue polo shirt and a grin that was loud enough to wake the dead.

“Hey guys,” he started exuberantly, “So glad you all could make it to the first meeting. My name is Andy and let me just say that I am so glad you all have decided to take an active step onto the road of an addiction-free life here at Smokers Anonymous. So glad.”

I wonder if he’s glad.

“Anyway, to start things off, we’re going to go around the circle, say our names and what it is in our life that we think is keeping us from quitting,”

Why, Ellis thought, do they call it Smokers Anonymous or Alcoholics Anonymous or whatever if the first thing they always make you do is say your name to everyone?

Andy pointed to a bored looking boy who couldn’t have been more than seventeen or so. He stood up and shrugged.

“My name’s Darren Jones and I used to smoke weed but now I’m broke and all I can afford is cigarettes. I’m running out of cash but I need to smoke something. My dad’s just such a pain the ass, the only way I can put up with him is if I can have a few drags but then Mom found my stash and won’t let me play Xbox unless I come –”

“That’s plenty, Darren” Andy interrupted, “let’s give someone else a chance.”

And so it went, around the circle as Ellis fiddled with the strings of his jacket hood, tying them in knots and thinking about Barnabas laughing at him.

Not all of us can put whatever nasty crap we want into our bodies because we don’t have a proper liver or set of lungs. Bastard.

Ellis knew he was just being a grouch because he was thinking Barn was right and that this was a waste of his time. But before he knew it, the caffeinated businesswoman was standing up and announcing that her husband just made her life so stressful that cigarettes were the only way she knew to relax because she refused to drink. She plopped back down and poured another cup of coffee. Now Andy was looking expectantly at Ellis. He sighed, pushed his glasses up his face and stood up.

“My name’s Ellis Raine and I think I keep smoking because it helps me deal with the stress of my job,”

He went to sit down but Andy held his hand up, “And why would you say your job is stressful, Ellis?”

Ellis shifted uncomfortably from foot to foot, hands stuffed in his pockets.

“Well it’s very demanding, you know? Lot of long hours, kind of dangerous really. I have to deal with a lot of nasty people who I’d rather not see on a day-to-day basis,”

The businesswoman nodded sagely as though she understood exactly what he was talking about. The Droopy Dog looking man on his other side simply snorted. Again, Ellis moved to sit back down and again Andy flashed him a toothpaste ad smile that said “Don’t even think about it.”

“Wouldn’t it be easier for you to find a less demanding job rather than continue to suffer from this stress and your addiction?”

Ellis chewed his lip, he had hoped to keep his personal life separate from his job in this instance but apparently that wasn’t happening.

“It’s a little more complicated than that. I mean, it’s a family business sort of thing. My father did it before me and I have this, like, obligation to keep-”

“Are you in the mafia?” Darren interrupted.

“What? No!”

“What,” began Andy, in what he thought of as his “soothing tone” but really just sounded like he was a bit slow in the head, “is your job, Ellis?”

Ellis cleared his throat. He coughed, fixed his jacket strings and went for a few more throat clears.

“I, uh, I fight monsters,”

Andy’s grin shrunk by a few molars as the rest of the circle stared at Ellis as though he just claimed to be the pope or Oprah.

Jowly finally spoke up. “What?”

Ellis shrugged helplessly. “I hunt monsters, kill demons, and generally eradicate unpleasant creatures,” he attempted to crack a joke, “the benefits are crap,”

No one laughed.

Andy rubbed the back of his neck, eyebrows knit together in confusion, “you can sit down now, Ellis.”

The group meeting had been a stupid idea.

***********************

“So it never occurred to you to lie to them?” Barnabas asked with a smirk. “You could’ve said you were a bounty hunter, ‘cept you look like such a bloody weenie,”

The two men were sitting at the kitchen table in Ellis’s apartment. Barnabas lived elsewhere in some mysterious location, which was just fine with Ellis, but was constantly over anyway, even when there wasn’t any work to be done, which was Ellis was considerably less fine with.

He punched Barnabas in the arm in annoyance.

“I’m wiry! It’s less noticeable than giant muscles, it gives me the element of surprise” which was a dirty lie but whatever.

As he said this he drew himself up to full height – which was still a good three inches shorter than Barn. Ellis resented the physical differences between him and his work partner. Ellis was a man of average height, average build and average looks. If you discounted the fact that he spent most of his time fighting supernatural evil he was an almost painfully ordinary person. Barnabas, on the other hand, was six feet tall, darkly handsome, English and built like a steel door. He was the farthest thing from an ordinary person, mostly because he wasn’t really a person at all.

Ellis tried to ignore him but Barn continued on, “Or maybe a repo man or something. Hell, you could’ve just said that yeah, you were in the mafia. Which is cooler than what you actually do,”

Ellis shrugged defensively. “Whatever, they got over it. Darren wanted to know if it was anything like World of Warcraft and Andy just kind of ignored me the rest of the time. Which was better, really. Anyway, I learned some useful tips for making quitting stick this time,”

“What, like not stashing extra cartons around the house?”

How does he know I do that?

Ellis sighed with his mouth closed, so it sounded like a growly hiss. “I am not in the mood right now,”

“Aww, does baby need his cigarettes?”

Actually yes, Ellis was dying for a smoke but he refused to give Barn the satisfaction. Instead he got up from the table of his tiny kitchen and headed downstairs to the bookstore he lived above that was his day job, tossing sarcasm over his shoulder. “You know, I’ve let you stick around out of the goodness of my heart! And you just abuse my kind and giving nature!”

Barn rolled his eyes to the ceiling, “You’re a regular Mother Theresa, only I don’t think she bitched as much as you do,”

Ellis paused at the door, “Keep it up, Barn. Keep it up and see what happens. Maybe I’ll let it slip to that maniac priest that he’s been right all along that there’s something funny about you. I bet he’d practically wet himself at the opportunity to exorcise a real live demon…even if that demon is just a cuddly little imp,”

Ellis heard Barnabas mutter something along the lines of “Sodding meatbag son of a bitch” and closed the door behind him with satisfaction.




So yeah, it's still kinda rough and stuff. I have an idea of where it's going and all, I'm just not sure if it's worth pursuing or if it's stupid. That's where you people come in. Lemmee know what you think and hopefully I won't have just made an idiot out of myself (which is different from any other post, how?).

'Night, I'm off to sleep, and by sleep I mean stare at the ceiling til about 3 or so. Insomnia!!

Monday, July 26, 2010

Highlights of Geekfest '10 Part 2

So, four hours of sleep last night. Awesome. This is starting to get annoying. Thankfully, I'm a bit more conscious tonight, and also I did Rich's prize for correctly guessing the banner quote. If you recall, he requested a shitty Paint picture of me, "worshiping at the altar of Will Ferrell." I admit that I might have taken just a bit of artistic license with this one...

Also it is a sin in my religion to pass up the opportunity to make an Indiana Jones reference

There ya go, Rich. Let it sear into your corneas forever. Moving on! I gave you an exhausted, semi-coherent overview of Metrocon yesterday, today I have my specifics from the notes on my phone, and call me redundant for saying it again but SERIOUSLY I WROTE NOTES FOR YOU PEOPLE AT THE NERDIEST PLACE IN FLORIDA. I DEMAND TRIBUTE OF NINE MORE FACEBOOK FANS. PLEASE. WITH SUGAR ON TOP. AND ALSO FUNNEL CAKE.

To begin at the beginning, I journeyed to the distant and magical land of Tampa with my friend Amanda, who was the organizer behind it all, and Teppy, who I had just met, and Gina, who is the kind of person who when they smile you know something terrible is going to happen. In case you ever wondered what's between South Florida and North Florida allow me to enlighten you:

JACK ALL.

Rolling green fields of emptiness, creepy abandoned shacks, places called Ernie's Gator Barn and The Twilight Zone Lounge and Package Store (that one was weird, it was also still advertising an event from over a month ago), and towns called Mulberry and Turkey Creek. I wish I was making this up. There was a town called Bartow that took like, five hours to drive through, but there wasn't anything there! It was just more empty fields and abandoned shacks. Then every now and then we'd see some faded sign reading "Bartow rapeseed refinery" or some such be like "WTF! How are we still in Bartow?!" Gina had a theory that we never actually escaped Bartow, that it was all an illusion and Bartow is the equivalent of Stephen King's 1408 in that even when you think you've left, you're still in Bartow. I could be in Bartow right now.

The last town thing before getting into Tampa was called Brandon, which was funny. Apparently the town was proud of itself though because everything from the auto repair to the outlet malls to the strip clubs had the name "Brandon" plastered in front of it. Also there we were supposed to turn left onto the very originally named "West Brandon Boulevard" well we waited and looked, and looked and waited, getting nervous as we drove on until slowly and with creeping horror we realized that we were somehow already ON West Brandon without making any turns at all. I blame gypsy voodoo magic.

"jk, you're still in Bartow!"

Then, against all odds, we actually made it to downtown Tampa and the convention. Then shit got weird. So Amanda is pretty much a professional fangirl, she loves anything and everything and even stuff that nostalgia longer does anything for, like Power Rangers. I'd be psyched to meet the voice of Wolverine from my childhood, but Power Rangers? Meh, don't care. Amanda does. I brought my hastily thrown together costume for one day of the con, Amanda brought a different costume for all three days. She's pro. So she dressed up as Danny Phantom the first day, from this cartoon on Nickelodeon:

Though she didn't look nearly as constipated

Amanda had hoped at least SOME people would recognize her. On the contrary, she was fricking mobbed. People went batshit crazy for Danny Phantom. And that was also how I learned that when awkward, smelly people in vinyl costumes see someone dressed as their favorite character they do not wait for the ok to go in for a hug. They don't even ask. They just barrel at you screaming from across the room and tackle the breath out of you in a sweaty, costumed body funk assault. I am so glad I didn't go as a character from anything. The insanity reached it's height when a massive, icky-looking woman (cuz she was not a girl) in a full-body Yoshi suit grabbed Amanda, who is quite tiny, and swung her wildly as we ducked to avoid her flailing legs.

This is she. It is a bad shot because it was taken while hiding in terror. Also you have to imagine the ripe smell for yourself and thank God you can only imagine it

Next on the list after purchasing shiny things were the panel peoples. There was Richard Ian Cox, who does Inuyasha's voice, and I don't watch Inuyasha so that meant nothing to me but he was also on Stargate Atlantis, which I am a geek for, so that was cool. Also he was incredibly funny. My favorite thing he said (about Gundam Wing, another show he did voicework in):

"I love the idea of Gundams. I love this thought that the government would sink billions, literally billions of dollars into making this giant robots that can fight in space and how do they fight? With guns, rockets, lasers, bullets? NO! WITH SWORDS! They fight in space in giant billion-dollar robots with swords"

And also we met Kirby Morrow, the surprisingly small guy behind the voice of Goku on Dragonball Z (my gateway anime as an impressionable child) and also was on Stargate Atlantis. He was also nice and kinda adorable but not as funny. Then Amanda dragged us to Robert Axelrod, aka Lord Zed from Power Rangers...yeah.

So what does the man behind the villain I fondly referred to as "Inside-out Shredder" look like?

Like a sad old man with a very tenuous grip on reality. Who used to dub foreign porn. Thanks, Amanda.

But then Amanda fixed it when she showed me Scott McNeil aka Wolverine from X-men, Piccolo and Majin Buu from Dragonball Z, Dinobot from Beast Wars, freakin' ReBoot, basically THE ENTIRETY OF CARTOONS I WATCHED AS A CHILD. Also Grumpy Bear. Go figure. He was awesome. Not only was he funny and nice and just all around cool, he also gave me a high-five so I could claim I high-fived Wolverine. Also he looks like Brett Michaels:

But then, the voice of Wolverine really should look like that...

He said a lot of pretty hilarious crap:

(when asked what his favorite pokemon was): "....Are Doritos a Pokemon?"

(favorite mythological creature): "I am a mythological creature! I'm Canadian!"

(Most embarrassing recording session moment): "We were doing reaction noises for X-men and Wolverine was like, lifting a car and I was all 'hrrrggh!' and 'eeuurrgh!' and then *ppphhhtt* ...it was the fart of a little girl. Wearing pink."

He was a cool dude.

Also there was a human chess match that involved a crap ton of anime characters all fighting each other. It involved samurai Mitsurugi from the videogame Soul Caliber singing "I Will Survive" while murdering his back-up singers, Indiana Jones getting chased by a Katamari ball and someone finally shooting that little irritance Naruto. If that sentence made absolutely no sense then congratulations! You have a life! Be proud!

And that is my journey through Metrocon, more or less. I also watched a kicking Thai movie called Chocolate about this autistic girl named Zen who beats people up. It was awesome, especially when she made Bruce Lee noises. I think I see a panda. I should probably sleep. This is Sugary Cynicism saying "It's not Comic-con, but it makes up for con-awesome in con-B.O." 'Night!

"Well, in Eastern animation characters are a bit more complex usually, like more nuanced and-HEY! Richard, you broke my pocky!!" -Scott McNeil

Highlights of Geekfest '10 Part 1

*Yawn*



I am back from Metrocon and I can barely see straight. Wheeeee... Because of that, the grand and awesome finale of Sugary Cynic's New Top Idol will be up...soon. At some point. In the future. That is not now. Also Rich's sacrilege Paint picture. So, let's look around here, not much seems changed, my Robert Downey Jr. shrine is intact, no one got fingerprints on my html, I seem to have lost a Facebook fan (*sniffle**sniffle*) and also The Great White Dope (jesus, that's a long name) of The Great White Dope's Mecha-Blogzilla (ok, I can't handle this without acronyms or something) gave me another Versatile Blogger award! And it's even sweeter the second time around because I still haven't bothered to look up what versatile actually means. Not to demean TGWD (there we go), thank you so much, receiving things from anyone is awesome and receiving an award from you is doubly awesome because I love your blog, but I'm going to fall asleep sometime in the next five minutes while struggling to type this, so if someone desperately wants to see the seven facts and links to other bloggers of versatility, for right now, I direct you to my first versatility award.

Thanks again, Great White Dope! You are like a pinata filled awesomeness....not sure where that came from...

MOVING ON! Because I knew I'd be completely braindead, I took the liberty of writing down notes of all the crazy shit that happened to make things easier on myself. NOTES! You guys don't appreciate me enough. HERE ARE METROCON DORK HIGHLIGHTS!!!

Stuff I spent too much money on:

A stuffed Final Fantasy Moogle


A crapton of kick-ass Steampunk jewelry

Vinyl stickers for computer (The Batman symbol and also the logo for Stark Industries)

An Earthbound poster for my brother

This cool thing in artist's alley where they take a picture you in your costume and re-draw it to make it look exponentially more cartoony and awesome. I will scan it in as soon as I have access to a scanner.

BOB-OMB EARRINGS


So yeah, bedecked in geekery. My costume was what could best be called "Last Minute Steampunk Pirate" thrown together after I found I was going a week before the actual con. So yeah. There were all kinds of costumes, some cool, some horribly horribly wrong and some meant for the body type of a person half their size. What was interesting was for all of the Narutos and Deadpools and that blonde kid from Fullmetal Alchemist, there were some truly original (and terrifying costumes). For instance, there was Billy Mayes, back from the dead to show con goers the power of Oxykick, and then also Rufio from Hook...yeah, that Hook.

Is there seriously a fandom for the punk kid from the Robin Williams Peter Pan movie?

The cutest thing ever though was a family all done up like characters from Miyazaki's latest, Ponyo. It was SO CUTE. The Dad and Mom were Fujimoto the wizard and his "wife" this fish goddess chick. And they had a little boy dressed as Sosuke with a little captain's hat in the red wagon they use as a boat in the movie with a teeny little girl dressed as Ponyo in there with him. I got almost as excited as when I see a puppy yawn.

There's still a lot more to talk about, including a martial movie about an autistic girl with the confusing name of Chocolate (the movie, not the girl), meeting the voice of Wolverine, Piccolo and...Grumpy the Carebear? Flaming hoops of death, singing samurais and the strange gap in reality known as Bartow. But it's after 1:30 and I have work tomorrow so "nyah". This is Sugary Cynic, who would be more insecure about her loss of fans if she wasn't hallucinating the Joker dancing a jig with Optimus Prime...or did that actually happen at the con? ...what was I saying? Oh yeah, good night!

"Well, obviously voicework is all about sleeping with the right people..." -Kirby Morrow, voice of Goku from Dragonball Z, Michelangelo from Ninja Turtles and Captain someone or other on Stargate Atlantis

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Metrocon And A Kid Named Marvel

This is Sugary Cynic:



This is Sugary Cynic after several bouts of insomnia:



And this is Sugary Cynic finding out she will in fact be able to attend one of the largest and geekiest cons in Florida:



Yes, I am going to Metrocon! Partly because a crapton of my friends are going and I really am just that huge a nerd, and partly because it helps to fill the gaping hole in my heart that comes from knowing I could never afford to go to Comic-con :( (at this point there would a sad violin note).

What's the important thing to take from this? Well, for starters I leave tomorrow morning and the hotel does not give wireless unless you're willing to follow them into a back-alley, do a striptease, join their cult and invest in a timeshare. So from Thursday to Saturday (I'm back Sunday afternoon), Sugary Cynic is officially off the intermanet radar. But I shall return with stories of wild geekdom and a finale to our Sugary Cynic's New Top Idol contest. And anyway, I've given you people more than six months of daily posts. So suck off, it's my vacation (I love you all).

so today at work I met an adorably spastic little four year old named Marvel. That's right, Marvel. His mom even said "like Marvel comics" by way of an explanation. I'm still debating if that is the coolest thing ever, or the most socially crippling. Time will tell. Either way, he was surprisingly friendly for a four year old (at that age kids usually violently shove their faces into their parent's ass so as to avoid eye-contact or conversation). But he wanted to play superheroes and kept killing me as Spiderman. It was so damn cute.

Pretty much

So, let's hook him up with a munchkin named DC and they will be a tiny yet unstoppable force for justice!

And that is all to report right now. Rich correctly guessed the quote as from Stanley Tucci's The Imposters, a quirky comedy about weirdos on a ship in the nineteen twenties (I think it's the nineteen twenties...maybe) whatever, Alfred Molina and Billy Connelly are in it. It's good.

This is Sugary Cynic packing too much crap but forgetting her toothpaste, saying "I love the smell of unwashed nerds in the morning...wait, no I don't, that's gross as hell." 'Night!

Joker: (to Batman) "Quick question. When the clock strikes twelve, do I get a little kiss?" -The Long Halloween (one of my favorites, such a good story)

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

I'm Sorry, No One's Home Right Now...

Sugary Cynic has checked out. After a couple weeks of some delightful insomnia madness and sleeping through her work alarm twice in a row, (and talking about herself in the third person) she is calling it an early night. Hopefully things will be saner in the morning. In the meantime, here is more proof that I might not have to find a new Sean Connery after all, because George Clooney is transforming into him:



This is a situation, people! Good night.


ps. This is the record for longest time without people figuring out the banner quote which I suppose means I suck at good banner quotes...except for this one. Neener neener and such.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Like American Idol, But Without The Judges, Or Ryan Seacrest, Or Anything Else They Have On American Idol

Good evening/night/morning/afternoon/your timezone is stupid/etc! For this post, since it is typically Music Monday, we continue our quest for a new idol in the wake of Sean Connery's un-retirement to star in a truly horrid movie abortion on a musical note (PUNS). But first, please elevate your heads (ha) and notice that there is a new banner quote in place for you to try your luck with. No more Miss Nice Cynic, this one's hard (ha). It might actually take you longer than fifteen minutes after I post (gasp)! Also my Facebook fan page is up to 92 fans, which is awesome, but not as awesome as 100. If you happen to have a Facebook and are not yet a fan, give in to your desires and help me achieve, um, 100-dom! Yes! That! PEER PRESSURE. That is all.

And now for Round Two of the competition for Sugary Cynic's Next Top Idol! On Saturday, Helen Mirren easily won "Most Awesome Looking in Period Clothing" because that is something she pretty much does 24/7. If you were to randomly drop in on Helen Mirren unannounced, odds are she'd be dressed as some sort of Elizabethan royal figure or other.

"Oh, hello there. I was just about to watch George Lopez and eat some pineapple from a can"

And now for the second test, in accordance with Music Monday my desire for silly contests, a singing challenge! Because they have to at least be more musical than The Connery:


Well, he's really only doing that William Shatner talk-singing thing. But...he's got that voice!

Ahem, moving on. First up is last round's winner, Helen Mirren, weirdly enough singing the same Beatles song as Sean Connery. Go figure. Also for all her awesome it turns out that Helen Mirren sings even worse than me. And I sing pretty damn terribly. But she somehow manages to remain utterly adorable. Gypsy voodoo magic, methinks. Unfortunately I can't embed the video because it's stupid but here is the link (it's like not even a minute long).

Next is Chow Yun Fat...the less said, the better.


In the DVD I have at home, they show you the rhymes,and they are so painfully bad. But, to be fair, he is fighting off triad thugs while defending a baby.

Finally, Jeremy Irons. Ok, this one really isn't even fair. I mean, there's the obvious:



The less obvious:



The absolutely hilarious:



He has a bit of an edge over the competition in this one.


And now I need to sleep, which I have been neglecting of late. Insomnia bites. Also it has been a pretty crappy day, work effed with my paycheck, Jon was a bit of a bastard and I am in a story-rut. Murrrr. Maybe some sleep will fix it. This is Sugary Cynic saying "Why is it when Helen Mirren sings badly everyone goes 'awww' but when I do it, people throw things?" 'Night!

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Waiting For My Kick... (It's An Inception Joke, Deal With It)

"Mr. Cameron's singular vision has upped the ante for filmed entertainment, and given us a travelogue unlike any other."

"Whatever way you choose to look at it, Avatar's shock and awe demand to be seen. You've never experienced anything like it, and neither has anyone else. "

"First, let’s be clear… Avatar is much more than a film. It’s a prescribed cinematic experience"

FUCK THAT.

Avatar was touted as the movie that would change movies forever. And while I agree it was a visual experience unlike anything I'd ever seen, the story was crap! If you're going to spend ten years waiting for technology to catch up to your vision, then that gives you loads of time to craft a story that isn't Ferngully But With More Racist And Anti-Colonization Overtones And Also Blue Cat People. Also Sam Worthington is a robot. Just saying. Why am I ragging on Avatar? Because while it certainly wasn't the worst movie I'd seen in awhile, I stopped caring as soon as I left the theater. The characters were hollow, the conflict was tired, I could give a rat's ass once I wasn't gawking at the pretty pictures. It didn't change the face of movies as we know it, it just gave the face a pair of 3D glasses.

Now here comes another director who has spent almost as much time as James Cameron on his movie, except that time was spent writing the script. THE SCRIPT. Christopher Nolan has created a movie the likes of which has not been seen in ages. It has fantastic action and visuals, a highly original concept that is deeply explored, characters that are simple but still interesting and relatable enough that you care what happens to them, and a story that is engaging, fascinating and tautly suspenseful. It is a full and complete movie that lacks for nothing. So many times I leave the theater saying "well if only they'd done this," or "man if they'd just gone into this a bit more," but try as I might to pick this one apart, I can't find a single thing about it that I didn't like or wasn't done exceptionally well.

I know, I keep going on about how wonderful the story is and I'm not describing it at all. For once it's not my fangirl ADD, you should see this movie knowing as little possible. I kept myself carefully insulated and apart from the cast list all I knew was:

1. It's about dreams

2. Leonardo DiCaprio is some kind of dream thief

3. The trailer music made BWAAAAAAAAAAAAM noises but was also amazing



And that was it and it made the movie that much better. So if you haven't seen it, I'm warning you that I will be yelling about spoilers further down and dammit, don't read them! Go in knowing as little as you can. It's a wonderful movie, all the actors do an amazing job, Joseph Gordon-Levitt is massively adorable, Leo is getting very good at playing men barely clinging to sanity, Ken Watanabe never turns in a bad performance and Ellen Page makes you forget she was Juno (in a good way). Also Tom Hardy is just appealing in every way and Marion Cotillard is creepy and unsettling as hell (also in a good way). Hans Zimmer creates orchestral awesome per usual and you'll be gripping the arms of your seat (or more awkwardly, the person next to you) as the clock ticks down and our heroes chances at survival dwindle. With a highly original story and an ending that will have you arguing with anyone who will listen long after you leave the theater, Inception gets a perfect five catapults out of five, and Christopher Nolan continues to assert that he is the Second Cinematic Coming.

SPOILERS, DAMN YOU! BEWARE AND SUCH!!!



Are we alone? Good. Brilliant fucking ending. My whole theater simultaneously went all "AAAAGGH" when it faded to black before showing if it was real. So who thinks the totem fell and he was really back? I'd like to to think he was and my argument is because he saw his kid's faces for the first time in the whole movie. But then again the ending sequence is so incredibly dreamlike and suddenly Michael Caine appears in America when he was in just in Paris. What if he just went further in limbo?

And of course that just leads to "what if it was all a dream?" and true we join the movie not at a real beginning but already in progress, Dom moves from country to country rather effortlessly for a fugitive, etc. But then they show how difficult it is to construct a city? How could he keep his construct of an entire world running? Personally I think he was in reality when he was in reality, but then there's the "leap of faith" line that Mal says before she jumps and then Saito says it to Dom and Dom says it back and that punches a few holes in the "reality" argument.

Isn't it nice that there's a movie that can make you think and question without being boring and weighing you down with philosophy and also have kicking action scenes? I think so. I love this movie to bits already and it sucks because now the rest of the summer movies are just crap in comparison. Also now I have nothing to wait for until...

SCOTT PILGRIM


Until then, chew on Inception for awhile and tell me your theories in the comments! This is Sugary Cynic saying "did anyone notice that the song that they played to wake people up was by the singer who Marion Cotillard won an Oscar for portraying? Or am I just a dork?"

Dom Cobb: "Dreams feel real while we're in them. It's only when we wake up that we realize something was actually strange"

Dammit, Sean!

So, Inception's been out for three days and already it seems I will be the last person to watch it when I see it tomorrow. Be that as it may, tomorrow would typically be Sean Connery Movie Sunday but seeing as I will most likely be covering tomorrow's post in a fangasm of joy over the work of Our New God Nolan, today will be our requisite Sean Connery day.

As you may or may not know (or care), I recently have been considering a new actor-idol ever since Sir Connery decided to come out of retirement to do the worst movie ever in the history of ever. And also now he's been investigated for tax evasion and money laundering.

I'm sorry, what now?

Ok, this isn't exactly scandalous when compared with Mel Gibson offending everyone who ever lived (as well as several dead people) but still, it's a strike against him and he's on thin ice thanks to Bessie-Boo and her gang of terrifyingly animated Scots-peoples.

Nah, it's cool, I was planning on never sleeping again anyway

So yeah, in the running for Sugary Cynic's Next Top Idol were Jeremy Irons, Helen Mirren and Chow Yun Fat. Several of you (mostly on Facebook) said Jeremy Irons, Unwashed said Helen Mirren, and my brother yelled Chow Yun Fat at me from his room. I remain quite undecided, and so since Sean Connery is still annoying me with his awful movie and failure to pay his taxes, we begin the elimination round for Sugary Cynic's Next Top Idol! This week: The Period Costume Round! Whichever actor best achieves looking cool and badass while dressed like a history-reenacting dork, wins!

First Jeremy Irons:

Rocking it as the Earl of Leicester, armor is always cool


And here in Merchant of Venice he proves you have to be rather bad-ass to wear that much fur trim and that silly a hat and still look like someone you'd rather not fuck with


O.o ...oh. Oh my. Can we get the picture of the nightmarish animated people back up?


Chow Yun Fat:

Lookin' all regal with his bad self for Anna and The King


Keeping things simple, yet awesome in Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon


And that, kids, is why you should eat lots of fruit. Because scurvy is a bitch and a half


And Helen Mirren:

You did not just back-sass Queen Elizabeth!


Here, she sensibly avoids Leia braids while restraining Tiny Batman


All right, let's face it: there's no such thing as a bad picture of Helen Mirren in period clothing. (There may not even be such a thing as a bad picture of Helen Mirren).

And there you have it, Helen "That's Queen to you, bizzatch" Mirren takes this round! See you tomorrow for Inception-related ravings! This is Sugary Cynic saying "Helen Mirren's tits are on the Internet, and they are deeply unsettling" 'Night!

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