Wednesday, June 30, 2010

The Saga Continues!

The good news:

The new Harry Potter trailer is out and gives me the fangirl shivers

Even though I know it's to capitalize and make more money, I'm glad the seventh book is being separated into two movies, especially since 5 and 6 were such a rush job. Also I admit when they went on in the trailer about how this is it and all, I got a bit choked up about the end of all things Potter. I mean, between the books and movies there's been Harry Potter in my life since I was 9. It was weird when there were no more books to wait for and soon there won't be any movies either. But I obsessive-fan digress. Also, really quick, if I had to point out one major flaw with the trailer, Voldemort is just not threatening. In the one for the 6th he's pretty creepy cuz they just do that one weird flash of him in a suit lookin' all weird-like but here he just seems kinda goofy, like if Harry giggled at him, he'd get all sad and run off.

Say Cheese!

The bad news:

Twilight's here...

I didn't make this, but dammit I wish I did!

So, last night, when I went to see Toy Story 3 and got out at 10, there was already a line from outside the theater and into the alley to all the way past the lobby and right by the actual room the midnight showing was in. It was a line of crazed, foaming teen girls and gay dudes, sad and lonely housewives whose husbands could no longer satisfy them, and the angriest looking boyfriends I have ever seen in my life. Poor, pussy-whipped bastards. So yeah, rampant Twilight rabidness once more descends upon us, we can take comfort in the knowledge that you can totally cash in on it if you are clever enough and your standards of integrity are nice and flexible. You all recall my grand scheme to market Twilight to old people, right? No? ...Then you must be the majority of my site hits aka people who found the blog on google searching for new episodes of Generator Rex, which I wrote about this one time. Anyway, you can find out about, or just chuckle through and relive that which is Old Twilight here.

You witnessed Twilight Years and New Pacemaker, now it's time for...

And that choice is between prune juice or straight up laxative medication

Get ready for thrills, chills and romantic entanglements as Bella wades through the plot that I looked up on Wikipedia just now!

"Oooh, Edward. I love you so much! Can we have the forbidden and lustful sex now?"

(see instead of fangirls screaming "yes!" and "do it!" they're hiding their faces in terror and nausea!)

"No, my extremely-old lamb, it's shimply too dangerous for ush to make wild and passionate love,"

(Audience: oh thank god)

"What? How? You don't mean I'd...become like you?"

"Yesh, it would be dangerous becaushe if I shexed you up,'d become Scottish!"


"Or you could be with me, Bella. I'd love you forever and I'm not dangerous, except when I wolf-out...because sometimes the transformation makes me poop myself a bit. But that won't happen this time! WOLF OUT!

....Yep. I pooped.

But oh no! It's the evil soulless vampiric scourge Victoria! Who wants to kill everyone for something that happened like, two movies ago!

This should not surprise you

And much more geriatric drama! So yeah, old people, while your grandkids watch Bella, Edward and Jacob battle their raging hormones, come see what they'll look like in fifty years! It's a brilliant scheme, I tell you! Brilliant! Now to go buy that beach house in Narnia with the money I'm gonna make off this thing. See ya tomorrow!

Edward: (staring soulfully) "Bella..."

Bella: "Yes, Edward?"

Edward: " wet your Depends again"

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

I Think Pixar Is Powered By Tears

How else do you explain the numerous and ruthless attempts throughout Toy Story 3 to get its audience to sob like a soiled toddler? (sorry about the simile, work in the babysitting room was kind of icky today). Anyway, I FINALLY saw Toy Story 3 with Jon, and it was perfect. It was funny, happy, sad, and while still a kid's film, it was ultimately for the people who used to be kids, who were kids when they saw the first one, this is a movie that matured with its audience.

Over at the mommy-blog Did You Remember Your Pill Today?, resident Mom Heather talked about how she spent most of Toy Story 3 trying to keep her little munchkins from exploding into torrents of terror-fueled tears, which is understandable now that I've seen it. The movie deals with heavy themes: the inevitability of change, loss, moving on, and the importance of staying together as a family. It is also basically a prison escape movie enacted by toys. Anyway, it is easy to see why a little kid would be perfectly fine watching Toy Story 1 or 2 but wetting their pants watching Toy Story 3: it wasn't meant for them (stay with me on this). The first movie came out FIFTEEN years ago! Fifteen! That's three hands for those of you who never got an education. I was five freaking years old when I saw this movie in theaters and it was a movie made for that age group. Four years later, at the age of nine, pretty much the same thing, still wonderful because it's Pixar but pretty much the same. Now, eleven years after Toy Story 2, things are different, the target audience is the same but different. It's the one that bounced in their seats on tiny butts fifteen years ago but are now all grown up.

And Andy's grown up with them. I won't rehash the premise because all the commercials and whatnot have pretty much beaten everyone over the head with it. Andy's grown up, going to college, what do the toys do now? Go to daycare and get abused by toddlers and a malevolent teddy-bear named Lotsa-Hugging. Yeah. It's heavy stuff, but there are three specific points in the movie where Pixar is yanking on your heartstrings with deadly precision:

1. The film opens with home movies of Andy playing with the toys as a little kid

2. Near the end, it looks like the toys are done for. Like for reals are about to face a fiery demise. They all link hands and close their eyes and await the inevitable. It is heartbreaking, I am literally tearing up just typing it. Damn you, Pixar! Seriously, these are characters I grew up caring about, I have an attachment to them that is longer than a decade! And Pixar seriously makes you believe they are gonna torch the little dudes!

3. Andy passes the toys on and plays with them one last time in the process. It's just...perfect. It really is. As a scene, as a metaphor, as a representation of revisiting your youth at a great crossroads in your life. It's just perfect.

But it's not all snot-dripping and weeping, it's pretty damn funny too, mostly based on the interaction between Ken, Barbie and Ken's wardrobe. But the hands-down funniest part comes from the casual acceptance of a pair of high heels. Just watch it and see. Also Spanish Buzz Lightyear is a laugh riot and I about died when I saw Senor Tortilla-Head. Hilarious.

And when it was over, the theater applauded. I never thought I'd write this sentence but Toy Story 3 is an emotional roller coaster. It puts the toys, and by extension, you, through the ringer as they escape danger after danger and face heartbreak after heartbreak. It's a wonderful and fantastic movie visually, storywise and musically (because who doesn't want to hear a Spanish version of "You Got A Friend In Me" as performed by the Gipsy Kings?). Toy Story 3 will make you laugh, gasp, cry and when you get home, dig around in the attic for that box of old toys. Five catapults out of five.


Ok, I needs me mah sleep. Just lock the door on your way out. This is Sugary Cynic saying "I'm not crying! I've just got something in my eye! (and it happens to be sadness!)" 'night!

(As I paid for my ticket to see the movie)

Theater Worker Chick: "Are you a Theater Club member?"

Me: "Nope,"

TWC: "Would you like to sign up and receive a Theater Club Card?"

Me: "Not at this time, thanks"

TWC: "But, well...(thinking she's being oh so clever) Are you gonna get popcorn?"

Me: "No. Popcorn ravaged my village and killed my uncle"

TWC: ...(stare of utter contempt with a touch of confusion)

Monday, June 28, 2010

I Do So Dub Thee The Acting Anomaly

...I do not get you people. I write a post that is basically a list and takes five minutes, tack on a video of vuvuzela's in Middle Earth and it has more comments than anything I have posted yet. Last night I slave over two movie reviews, especially Let The Right One In, trying to be coherent and clever and just generally going that extra mile and what do I get? Hardly a flutter of interest.

I suppose I should learn from this, but that would make too much sense. Instead I'd like to skip Music Monday because today because I haven't listened to anything but The Gaslight Anthem's new album American Slang and also the soundtrack from Be Kind Rewind for some reason and that's just too confusing to smoosh together into a post. Instead I'd like to talk about something I have decided to call "The Acting Anomaly." This is when an actor who is known for being ridiculous, untalented or just plain typecast (in this case with a negative connotation) does a film so different than their typical body of work, so awesome and unique and utterly great, that you risk a brain tumor trying to figure out why they're not like that ALL THE TIME!

Way back in...sometime that is not now, I did a post on Hayden "Bitch-pants" Christensen and how he has all the acting talent of a hardwood table but without all the useful stuff tables do, like holding coffee and pretentious books. But I had discovered that, nestled in between Star Wars Episodes Shit and Shittier was a really good movie! That he actually acted well in! Naturally I was both flummoxed and incredulous, because those are both funny words.

Today, I move on to another case of "The Acting Anomaly" in what happens to be a favorite film of mine, Stranger Than Fiction, a sweet, low-key meta-comedy starring Will Ferrell.

Wait, what?

You do mean Will Ferrell right? Like, the one who yells and screams and throws strange Man-child tantrums that might have been funny once but wear thin faster than an overworked rubber band and have all the charm of a screaming, wee-stained brat?

Why yes, that Will Ferrell

Not here though, in Stranger Than Fiction he plays Harold Crick, a fastidious (aka dull) IRS agent whose voice reaches typical Ferrell octaves only twice, and quite reasonably so: one time is when a crane crashes through the wall of his apartment, and the second is when a disembodied voice of a British woman reveals Harold's imminent death. Yeah, Harold has a voice that suddenly begins to narrate his life, and it has predicted his doom.

Meanwhile, in the same town but a whole 'nother universe, metaphorically speaking, Kay Eiffel (Emma Thompson) has writer's block of the decade-long variety and contemplates various forms of death while smoking endless amounts of cigarettes and trading pithy comments with the assistant her publishing company has foisted onto her, in the form of Queen Latifah (I don't know about you, but if Queen Latifah appeared and told me to finish a novel, by God I'd finish it, she looks like she could break you in half). So yeah, Kay is none other than Harold's mysterious narrator and Harold is none other than Kay's main character and source of the writer's block: she can't figure out how to end her novel with a grand flourish and kill him.

So Harold seeks help for his narration troubles through Professor Hilbert, (Dustin Hoffman, who plays like he sort of wandered onto the set and went "ok, I'm gonna do this now"). Hilbert takes Harold's claims seriously because this is that kind of movie and they try to determine whether Harold's story is comedic or tragic in an attempt to reveal the narrator, in the meantime Harold decides to make the most of the time he has left and LIVE, purchasing guitars, not wearing ties and pursuing the girl of his dreams: a crazy baker chick Anna (Maggie Gyllenhaal) who refuses to file her income taxes properly and hates him. Their relationship is the best because it is subtle and sweet (I know, Will "my underpants are on fire" Ferrell can be subtle!). Eventually, Harold finds Kay and makes himself known to her and an ultimate decision must be made: kill Harold Crick, who is a living and breathing human being and write the most beautiful, most tragic modern novel in decades, or allow him to live, and achieve nothing?

Despite the wtf-ness of that ultimate question, the movie is overall very light-hearted and like Game 6, a movie for writers, gently mocking various tropes and cliches while at the same time celebrating the art and craft of the novel (and ostensibly film). The soundtrack is also awesome, with Spoon, The Clash and Wreckless Eric as done by Will Ferrell on the guitar. All the actors bring their A game and Will Ferrell just, he just owns it. He is believable, he is likable and he is painfully shy until Maggie Gyllenhaal's character helps bring him out of his shell. By the movie's end, you don't want him to die, which is more than you can say for any other Will Ferrell character, which begs the obligatory "What the effing hell, Will Ferrell? You can be subtle and dramatic and not scream all your lines like someone just dosed you with methamphetamines! What is your problem? Why not act legitimately like this all the time? You actually have talent and yet you made Land of the Lost. THIS MAKES NO SENSE."

Unlike John C. Reilly, who has made a career out of balancing retarded roles with great ones, much like Christensen in Shattered Glass, this is Ferrell's only dramatic-y, acting-y role. I suppose you could make an argument for Melinda And Melinda but he's really sort of playing a caricature of himself in that movie. Anyways, I can't overstate that Stranger Than Fiction is a sweet movie, it will make you smile unless you're some kind of joyless shell of a human, in which case, good luck with that. For those who have seen it though, I am curious if you like the ending or if you wish it had gone with the original (in terms of the book-within-the movie) ending. I'm honestly not sure, personally. Do share. Overall, it earns three and a half understated Will Ferrells out of five.

This is Sugary Cynic saying "I am copy writing the term "Acting Anomaly" so nyah, bitches" 'Night!

(Harold has brought a box full of baggies to Anna the baker to apologize for being a butt)

Harold: "...I brought you flours"

Sunday, June 27, 2010

What Happens When The Wind And The Lion Let The Right One In

Ok so, sorry about last night. I was exhausted and a had done hookah but fucked it up and inhaled too much because apparently I can't breathe properly and I felt lousy and woke up today feeling like shit, with a massive headache, a sore throat and the disposition of an angry bear. Meh, I changed my mind, I update this thing every day, suck it up. (I might still be just a bit on the ornery side, don't take it too personally).

Anyways, (aside)FUCKFUCKFUCK!!! Bit of a real life moment here, got up to brush my teeth, felt a loose hair on my arm and IT WAS A FUCKING SPIDER. Like not a daddy long legs, which tend to frequent our home but a fucking big brown one. Holy shit. I screamed and flailed in spazzy terror and the spider sailed to the floor, still attached to my arm by a strand of web (HOLYSHIT) and my brother threw a bathmat over it and stomped the crap out of it. My Dad came in to see what all the high-pitched shrieking was about and as he examined the squished remains, confirmed that if that thing had bitten me I would have been in some deep shit. Also, if you think I am overreacting, it's because I have a bit of insectaphobia, aka spiders, bugs any shit with more than four legs and a pair of pincers frightens me to an unnatural degree. HOLY FUCKING FUCK SHIT. Ok, I am going to make like the British and Keep Calm and Carry On (end of aside)

So, (FUCKICANSTILLFEELITONME)today I finally got around to watching Let The Right One In and now I never ever want to go to Sweden. It is bleak, all the people look like someone just ran over their dog and odds are I will either freeze to death, be menaced by tiny serial-killers-in-the-making or desaunginated by a vampire. I imagine this film was a great boost for tourism.

This poster is a dirty lie. During the movie, at that picture of her they used, she is leaking blood OUT OF ALL OF HER ORIFICES

So, the movie takes place in the early eighties, but leaves you to figure that one out on your own. we begin with the words "Squeal like a pig" which can never lead to good things but it's just little Oskar, our scrawny, lonely main character, posturing in front of his window with a penknife, playing the tough guy to no one. Oskar has a pretty crummy life, he is picked on by some bullies who at first seem fairly run-of-the-mill but get pretty damn scary later on, divorced parents (dad's an alcoholic, mom's good-natured but always working) and he appears to be a budding sociopath in training: no friends, carries that knife around, keeps newspaper clippings of gory incidents. Cuddly, right?

Actually, if I may interrupt the flow here, this does get surprisingly cuddly. It is simultaneously the most adorable and horrifying movie I have ever seen. What the hell? Explanations later.

So Oskar finds a friend when a girl and her dad move in next door. When this girl first appears out in the courtyard she is dirty, with greasy hair and a wild face. But Oskar, maybe sensing a lonely soul, is surprisingly kind to her, giving her his Rubik's cube and just generally being friendly. He remarks on her lack of winter clothes and her odd smell but is otherwise unconcerned with her weirdness. Her name is Eli, and she is 12 "more or less". In truth, Eli is a terrifying creature of the night and her "dad" is some random dude named Hakan who goes out and murders people so Eli doesn't have to attack people. It's never explained why he does this, what his connection is to her. In the book it's based on, he apparently has a pederastic attraction to Eli that she uses to her advantage but the movie never clears this up. Anyway, Hakan sucks at killing people. Not that he's too kind-hearted, in truth, Eli seems to have more remorse for the people she has to kill to remain alive, it's that Hakan is just totally incompetent. There are some incredibly awkward laughs to be had when he bungles each murder.

So while the townsfolk puzzle over the murders, Eli and Oskar begin to bond. This is where the movie shines the most. The kids are incredible actors and truly make you feel for them and their friendship. Oskar, with some of his creepier tendencies could have come off as weird as hell but instead we sympathize. Eli could've just been fucking scary and at times she is, the movie pulls no punches when she feeds, but while is world-weary and deeply sad, she also seems to have retained a sort of youthful hope and this hope manifests itself in her relationship with Oskar, who it's obvious she cares for deeply. The scenes of them together are cute as hell, and the more she sees him, the more human she looks, like cleaning herself up, wearing normal clothes etc. If Eli wasn't a bloodsucking nightmare this could easily be a heartwarming, coming-of-age story.

This summer, Let The Right One your heart

But it's not. And there are consequences as Eli visits bloody death onto totally innocent people which leads to one of the most heartbreaking scenes I have ever seen when a woman becomes accidentally turned to a vampire. Seriously, it's difficult to watch and it's the total opposite of what you expect. So, climaxes occur, arms are torn off, bullies get comeuppance and then some, crotches are shown (very briefly) to prove vampiric androgyny, and then it ends with a scene that I think was supposed to be interpreted as one of the cute ones, and in a way it is, Oskar and Eli are together, their deep care for each other remains strong, but the long-run implications, especially with Hakan gone, are kind of fucked up.

So, let's see, beautiful cinematography, creepy as hell atmosphere (they used some kind of super-microphone because you can HEAR EVERY SOUND and this is creepy), wonderful acting and a story that is subtle, nuanced, scary and (dare I say) cute. And I never never never want to see it again. Four and a half catapults out of five for living up the hype and then some.

And now to completely change gears and tackle this week's Sean Connery movie, The Wind and The Lion.

Yeah, subtle and nuanced, this is not

So, in 1975, John Milius thought it would be awesome to make a movie based on this historical incident involving Teddy Roosevelt, this Berber outlaw dude named Raisuli and his kidnapping of a middle-aged man named Ion Pedecaris. Ok, sounds cool. He also decided that having Pedacaris as a dude would make a romantic subplot with our aforementioned Berber outlaw a tad awkward, and so he made her a lady and saddled her with two kids for the hell of it. But this ok too, because Eden Pedacaris is played by Candice Bergen and is a total bad-ass. Then Milius decided that it would be equally awesome to cast Sean Connery as the Arabic Raisuli.

Aaaand you lost me.

Seriously, between Hunt for Red October, Highlander, Time Bandits, James Bond, First Knight, The Untouchables, The Name of the Rose, Robin and Marion and this, he has played every freaking nationality except Scottish! Anyway, the movies slips in some BS about how he was taught English by Scotsmen and that's supposed to make it ok. So the movie is very much like The Man Who Would Be King in that's a fun, swashbuckling sort of movie that you shouldn't think too much about. So Eden and her munchkins are kidnapped by Raisuli in attempt to get some attention, embarrass the Sultan, who held him in prison for several years and hopefully get some civil war going on. Raisuli is painted a noble outlaw, a warrior with a heart of gold which historically is kind of ehhh, but The Connery makes it work. He actually plays Raisuli kind of breezily, he's always chuckling and sort of amused by things. Bergen, as Pedacaris is straight up awesome. She holds her own with Raisuli and never stoops to that cowardly hostage bullshit. In fact, once the two begin to become romantically inclined and Raisuli is captured by the baddies, she's the one who rescues him! Sure, some American soldiers show up and give her a hand but she was totally ready to storm in their and kick some ass all by her lonesome! Fuck yeah, Eden Pedacaris!

The movie's biggest weaknesses are it's total flouting of historical accuracy, in that it arbitrarily makes Germans the bad guys because it's easy to do so, those little pre-Nazis bastards! (seriously though, they had like, nothing to do with anything). The other weakness is ironically also a great strength of the movie: Teddy Roosevelt. Roosevelt is captured perfectly by Brian Keith, in that he is portrayed as bad-ass mofo who when he goes riding needs an extra horse for his massive balls. Roosevelt rocks in this movie but he might just be too awesome. In what is ostensibly a movie about Pedacaris and Raisuli, Milius lingers on Roosevelt for extremely long amounts of time. And it's interesting and fairly awesome but it sort of pushes the main conflict to the side in favor of large amounts of Teddy-time, which I am all for, but I feel like Milius really wanted to make a Roosevelt biopic, which he ought to have just done instead rather than smoosh Raisuli's story in with it.

Overall, it is a sweeping adventure movie with likable, charismatic characters, a silly plot that moons history as we know it, and some spectacular desert visuals. I give it one third of a Roosevelt, which equals out to three catapults out of five.

See ya tomorrow, I'm gonna go not think about spiders now (god dammit). This is Sugary Cynic saying "screw letting the right one in, put bolts on the door and keep that fucker out!"

Sherif: "Great Raisuli, we have lost everything. All is drifting on the wind as you said. We have lost everything"

Raisuli: "Sherif, is there not one thing in your life that is worth losing everything for?"

Game 6 aka Michael Keaton Never Shuts Up

Aww, a post in the wee hours of 1:30, it's like the good ol' days, eh? Anyway, I didn't watch Let The Right One In today because I actually (gasp) went out but and socialized. Been doing that a lot lately. "But Sugary Cynic, a life outside the blog? 'Tis not possible!"

Oh but it 'tis! 'Tis indeed. Also, Jacob here is your picture of you as Mr. Furious and me as The Bowler from Mystery Men. They're costumes are stupid and so they look like Matrix rejects and also I am tired as hell but it was a CRAPPY paint picture I promised so I don't feel all that bad about it :D

Bask in it's shittiness! BASK IN IT.

Now, reviewing Game 6.

First, he read the news, but now he must become it! (not really)

Anyway, Game 6, made in 2005, takes place in 1986, which I kept forgetting because everyone looked and acted like it was in present day except there were no cell phones and the TVs are all cruddy. So yeah, 1986, on the day/night of game 6 of the World Series, Red Sox vs. Mets when it looked like the Red Sox were finally going to clear themselves a long and storied history of absolutely sucking (spoiler alert, they don't. Duh. They don't until whatever year the American version of Fever Pitch came out in). So the movie focuses on Nicky Rogan (Michael Keaton) a playwright and former cabbie who is always in cabs, trying to connect with the cabbies, sharing stories about weeing under bridges and just sort of drifting through his life. He is estranged-ish from his daughter, in a divorce-mess with his wife, having an affair with his producer, obsessed and yet also filled with loathing over the many heartbreaks caused by his beloved Sox and also stalked by the spectral bad review his new play is going to get because his lead actor has a brain parasite that is making him forget his lines (like an actual parasite).

So yeah, Nicky's got a lot on his plate. But his main concern is not the play, but the Sox game, the one that might change everything. Nicky treats the game like it has a connection to his life, that if they win everything that was ever fucked up for him will be magically solved. Is this a typical sports fan thing? I dunno, not a big sports person, someone needs to fill me in. Anyway, we follow Nicky through New York on this fateful, as he bounces from conversation to conversation with his father, daughter, wife, random old lady cabbie who is a font of folksy wisdom, a fellow playwright a bit off his nut and so on. It's a movie about writer written by a novelist and so it is dialogue-tastic. I personally love it, the conversations are fantastic, artful even. And Keaton just has this way of acting that makes it seem like he's literally just thinking of everything he's saying. It flows like real talk which is a rarity. But it's not for everyone, my brother for instance, would be shaking the TV 15 minutes in screaming "FOR GOD'S SAKE, JUST GET UP AND DO SOMETHING!!" if he ever tried to watch it.

So Nicky is haunted by this possible bad review everyone seems sure he'll get from this harsh, possibly evil but certainly oddball theater critic who goes to plays armed and in disguise because every writer in New York wants to beat his ass (Robert Downey Jr being a wonderfully weird dude who lives in an empty warehouse like a deranged shaolin monk). Eventually, when the sox inevitably lose, something snaps inside Nicky, the world isn't fair, life isn't fair and god dammit, sometimes critics need a bullet in the ass, so he tries to hunt down the critic with interesting results. The issue most people have with the movie is that the tone is kind of uneven, ricocheting between an almost surreal tragedy and a bittersweet but light-hearted comedy. It does make up it's mind by the end but it's a bit too sweet (I still liked it) for some people. Basically, it's a quirky little movie for people who like New York, cabbies and absolutely wonderful dialogue, and don't mind a bit of cheese on the side. Three catapults out of five.

And now goodnight. I mean it, go away.

"When the Mets lose, they just lose. It's a flat feeling; there's nothing there. Now the Red Sox, now, here, we have a rich history of really fascinating ways to lose a crucial game. You know what I mean? Defeats that just keep you awake at night. They pound in your head like the hammer of fate. Yeah, you can analyze a Red Sox game day and night for a month and still uncover really complex layers of feelings. Feelings you didn't even know you were capable of having. Yeah. That kind of pain has a memory all of its own" -Nicky Rogan (Michael Keaton)

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Sure He's A Writer, But He Prefers To Be Called A Dreameaver

I am supposed to be reviewing an excellent movie I saw recently called Game Six, with Michael Keaton and Robert Downey Jr. That will happen tomorrow, most likely along with a review of Let The Right One In, assuming I can gain control of the TV long enough to watch it. In the meantime, I accomplish nothing because I CANNOT STOP WATCHING THIS THING, PLEASE HELP MEEEE,

(There are six episodes total and you can find them all on Youtube, but you can't embed them, that's why that's a google video)

"I'm not Jesus Christ...I've come to accept that now,"

Friday, June 25, 2010

Things I Did This Evening...

Spoke French

Made literary jokes

Poked a gay man in the stomach

Wore a sock monkey as a hat

Got Starbucks food by making sad puppy eyes

Made a haiku about cheese that I can no longer remember

Tried on Iron Man galoshes (galoshes is a funny word. Is it always two galoshes or can there be a single galosh?)

Listened to songs from Evil Dead: The Musical

Won a duel

Lost a duel

Enacted violence on a minority (he started it)

Threw a ball at someone (he asked for it)

Got a ball thrown at me (I asked for it)

Took a plastic sword to the boob

Spoke Swahili

Possibly permanently damaged a tricycle

Definitely permanently damaged a red wagon

Enacted the dreams of disturbed Twilight fans everywhere using Edward and Jacob barbie dolls

Interrupted a tender moment via vuvuzela impersonation (for those scratching their heads and saying "vuvu-wha?", you live under a rock, now watch this video)

Spoke Latin

Imitated Elmo

And also Mickey Mouse

Became trapped in a parking lot

Escaped the parking lot

Was denied a bouncy ball

Learned more about the complicated relationship between Wolverine and Deadpool

Spoke Spanish (badly)

Violated a man on his birthday (Happy birthday, Izzy! ...sorry)

Tested the Vulcan neck pinch with varying levels of success

Sat in the shadow of Bhuddha on a very comfy sofa

And that is why there is no post tonight (and also no paint drawings, sorry Jacob) but it was definitely time well spent :D

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Your Eddie Murphy Will Be Delivered in Around 48 Hours

I am just too dang witty. Why yes, this post is about the fact that I finally sat down and watched the movie that launched Eddie Murphy to stardom that everyone forgets about because of Beverly Hills Cop. (if you really are that dumb, here's a hint: the movie is 48 Hours). But first!

Jacob guessed the quote correctly, identifying it as Shoveler's (William H. Macy) line in the extremely underrated Mystery Men. Also, last week, when I barely knew what I was doing with this, Rachel correctly attributed the last quote to Spaceballs. So yeah, you two win getting to make me draw a shitty picture in Paint of whatever your dark and twisted hearts desire.

Next! Hollywood has once again tapped into my brain with their mind beams and extracted some pertinent movie-related info. What, you might ask, would lead me to make such a wacky supposition. Oh I dunno, how about RED? It stands for "Retired, Extremely Dangerous" and it's about old (and I do mean old) CIA operatives who are having issues adjusting to the monotony of not clandestinely murdering people. These armed AARP-ers are none other than Helen Mirren, Bruce Willis, Morgan Freeman, and John Malcovich. Also there's Mary Louise Parker, Karl Urban and Cole from Charmed. IT IS THE CAST OF MY DREAMS! Also this:

I feel based on the above trailer a "fuck yeah" is in order? All in favor? All righty, motion carries! FUCK YEAH!!! That's gonna be awesome! I will go wait in line right NOW.

Moving on to less Helen Mirren-related subject matter, as I stated, I finally watched 48 Hours and it was pretty awesome but mostly it just made me kinda sad. There was once a time when the name Eddie Murphy was associated with unbridled hilarity and occasional acts of badassery instead of farting people in fat-suits and dads in non-threatening family comedies who realize that family is more important than climbing the corporate ladder. Those were the days (that I didn't exist for most of)! Anyway, 48 Hours was Eddie's big break and it barely even happened. He was fourth or fifth on the list of people who included Richard Pryor and a young Denzel Washington to get the role of Reggie Hammond, the sarcastic and clever-as-fuck criminal that washed-up boozehound cop Nick Nolte recruits to stop a killer who is running around shooting people in pursuit of a shit-ton of money that is actually Reggie's. Got all that?

And they did it all while being haunted by a giant pink digital clock in the sky.

So yeah, Nick Nolte's character, Jack Cates is your typical movie cop in the 80's: new cigarette every other minute, drives a shit car, fights with his girlfriend, puts booze in his morning coffee and is a dangerous lone wolf. He's also annoying as hell. Admittedly, he grows on you a bit by movie's end, but he's our hero and for a good half the movie you just pray for someone to punch him in the dick. Eddie Murphy on the other hand, is likable from the outset, his entrance into the movie being an enthusiastic but American Idol-level bad rendition of The Police's "Roxanne" as Nolte walks to his cell. See, he's got to stop this killer dude and Murphy's character knows him, so he takes him out of jail for 48 hours (ooh, now I get it!) to catch the baddies and also trade racist barbs with.

Eventually, they develop that whole "begrudging respect" for one another and start to work together and Nolte finally becomes a bit less grating. It's a standard cop movie, but Muprhy and Nolte have great chemistry together, even when they hate each other, matching wits and being clever and such. Also, it's worth watching just for this one scene where Murphy impersonates a cop to gain info on the baddie in this redneck country bar, and he just fucking owns the place. It's the best scene in the movie, hands down. Three stars out of five, it's an establisher of what are now tired cliches but it made them first, and also Eddie Murphy rocks! O how far thou hast fallen!

Seriously, who told you it was ok to do this, Eddie? It is not ok!

And wit that pleasant image, I say good night.

(As Reggie prepares to sleep in Jack's car as they wait for the baddies to show up)

Reggie: "Jack, tell me a story,"

Jack: "Fuck you!"

Reggie: "Ooh! That's one of my favorites!"

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

So Carnivorous Mascots Are Apparently A Thing Now

or maybe just specific cheerleader-eating:

What really makes it hilarious is the completely dumbfounded announcers

But sometimes they like to diversify their diet with a coach or two:

However, you gotta watch out. Eventually people won't put up with any more of your devouring shit and will fight back:

Just thought I'd share that bit of weirdness with you. Also, it is time for a new banner quote! This one's a bit harder than Spaceballs. And now I actually have a prize idea! First one to guess gets a crappy MS paint picture from me of whatever the hell they want. Aren't you lucky? No cheating!

Finally, here is the official Green Hornet trailer, which manifested sometime last night:

Main thoughts:

Jay Chou is kinda adorable

There is no way in hell Tom Wilkinson and Seth Rogen could ever be related

Seth Rogen, though slimmed down, remains a baffling charming bastard

If I didn't know beforehand that this was a Michael Gondry film, I would not guess it in a million years

Christoph Waltz is in this trailer for like, three seconds, and he is toting a gun and yelling generically in all of those three seconds. I am worried. Nice new do' though.

And I now I sleep. Which has to happen sometime. This is Sugary Cynic, who now aspires to be a human Swiss Army knife (I'm working on "corkscrew") 'Night!

Monday, June 21, 2010

Music Monday: Pixar aka "I'm not gonna cry, I'm not gonna cry, I'm not gonna cry"

Bluh. That is my Monday. Though to be fair I didn't do all that much. Does anyone see the irony in that I have to be all nice and uniform-dressy as well as do a shit-ton of work and effort for the job that doesn't pay me, and get to dress like a hobo beach-bum, play with babies and screw around on the computer for the job that does pay me?

Anyway, before I get to the world of cuddly images and bucket-fulls of tears that is Pixar, Jacob and Ameer rose like champions with too much free time to my challenge to find a more hilariously ridiculous movie poster than the reigning champ on this blog, Day of the Dolphin. Here are their picks:

Jacob has gone the "subtlety is for sissy-bitches" route and decided on totally gun-toting insane. Extremely awesome.

Very ridiculous, Ameer. They look like bumper-copters or something. Also extra points for Connery-ness...Is that Roald Dahl's name in the corner? WTF?

Both excellent. However I think I found one that tops them:

Just take a moment and soak in the awful

Moving on! So, in honor of Toy Story 3 (which I still have not seen!!), this week's Music Monday is my top 5 favorite Pixar scores. I admit before listing them that I am extremely biased against Randy Newman. I cannot stand him. Now you know.

1. Finding Nemo by Thomas Newman. Before you ask, he's Randy's cousin. Little nepotism goin' on there, guys? Eh, who cares, it's nepotism of the awesome sort because Thomas Newman kicks ass. He brings his signature dark and moody style to the score, but still manages to keep things light and happy (it is still a munchkin's movie after all) but never succumbs to saccharine sweet, much like the movie itself. His music just manages to fit the setting and tone so well that you wonder how good Finding Nemo would have been without the score. (ok, still really really good, but not AS good).

2. Toy Story by Randy Newman. I hate you, Randy Newman. I hate you so much. You write the dumbest songs with the most insipid lyrics and your voice makes me want stab my ear drums with individual pine needles. But god dammit, when you keep your irritating-as-hell trap shut you can make some truly iconic and wonderful shit. Just listen to :49-1:18 of this and tell me you don't get nostalgia goose-bumps.

3. Up by Michael Giacchino. Joining the cult of Pixar score writers (which admittedly was just Newman 1 and Newman 2) Giacchino started with The Incredibles and did fine with that and Rata-I don't enjoy spelling that crap (the man's last name is difficult enough as it is). But the one everyone will remember him for, and what won him an Oscar, is Up. It's cheerful, it's achingly sad, it's exhilarating and crazy. The score manages to convey so many tones and feelings throughout the movie without becoming uneven or losing it's center: the Carl and Ellie theme. You know, the one that made you (me) cry in the theater like a weenie? ...I think I might start hating Michael Giacchino.

*sniffle* you bastard!

4. WALL-E by Thomas Newman. Why hello, Mr. Newman! Back again already? And with a score that not only has to evoke the emotion and mood of the story but also make up for the fact there is practically no dialogue for 80% of thee movie, therefore having to convey the thoughts and feelings of our main characters through the magic of music? How thoughtful of you! (For reals, he was given the insane job of having to flesh out the adventures of a mostly silent protagonist and he succeeds beautifully)

5. The Incredibles by Michael Giacchino. I admit it: I am one of the people who thought The Incredibles was just ok. Better than Cars but not as good as Toy Story or WALL-E. That and the message just seems confusing, "you can be a hero! but not really! just leave it to the dudes with actual powers...*amended statement*- if you were born with magical superpowers THEN you can be a hero! But not too much of one, then you are just showing off" wha? But credit where credit is due: the score is fantastic and sticks tight to that sort of "bongos-1950's" style thingy that fits with the movie's overall retro feel but never feels restricted to that style. It's one of those scores that really helps set the tone of the movie.

And there you have it! Now I need a tissue. Before I go off to do battle with evil zombie vikings (they refuse to relinquish the TV and by God if I have to watch Rock of Love one more fucking time...), while there is no Green Hornet trailer yet, there is this:

Cons: Looks kinda goofy/run-of-the-mill, and Christoph Waltz looks like a cookie-cutter villain, which I hope is just trailer-ness cuz he's too cool for that.

Pros: Damn, Seth Rogen! What happened to Chubby McJewfro? I am impressed. Also Jay Chou seems really cool.

My interest has officially reached piqued levels. This is Sugary Cynic getting her viking hammer and saying good night!

Me: "If you didn't cry in Up, you don't have a soul"

Zeke: (pointedly clears throat)

Me: "I rest my case"

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Shitty Movie Sunday/Day of the Dad

Hello magical internet-people! How are you? I am full of pizza, which is a positive state of being about 90% of the time. Then it gets messy. Today, as you are most likely aware of (apart from maybe the portion of my readers who regularly abuse controlled substances, you know who you are) was Father's Day.

Because sometimes fathers come from the unlikeliest places, but usually places that are not this hilarious

We celebrated this day in my home with screaming and violent threats (I kid! ...mostly). Truth be told, my relationship with my dad has always been kind of rocky. We're both very similar people in that we get very emotional, very passionate and we hate to be wrong. As you would suspect, this leads us into some very loud, very angry moments. it's usually ok, but sometimes we go through patches where we just seem to butt heads constantly. To give him credit, he is better than he was when I was a munchkin, he was an angrier man then and to his credit he has changed a lot since then, but it's hard to let go of such a large part of my past and I've held my grudge because I'm not quite sure how to let go of it. But let me be clear here: There have been many times when I have not liked my dad, and I can even say there have been a few times when I have hated him. But there was never a time when I didn't love him. He built his whole life up from nothing, all on his own and gave me and my brother a life he never was able to have. Happy Father's Day, Dad. I love you more than Steven Seagal loves his adoptive son Pan-Dar (it's Thai for "Steven Seagal is a moron").

So I wasn't able to finish watching The Wind and The Lion yesterday (that would be the one with Arabian Connery), so no Sean Connery Sunday today, because to review a half-finished Connery movie is to punch this great man in right in the manly bits:

And would you really want to do that? I didn't think so.

But we did watch one of the ultimate hilariously shitty movies that is right up there with Vin Diesel's XXX (for the last time, not the porn!). Anyway, that movie is I Spy, starring Eddie Murphy and Owen Wilson. Made in 2002 and based off a television series from 1965 of the same name that starred Robert Culp and a young Bill Cosby as globe-trotting, ass-kicking spies. The show was considered revolutionary because it showed (gasp) a white man and black man on equal footing (my stars and garters!). But for reals, at the time this was major and it also went a long way in helping launch Bill Cosby's career. Now what does the show have in common with the movie? ...well, Eddie Murphy is also a once-edgy and hilarious comedian whose balls shriveled up and died, and um...they have the same names, they just switched races and now the white dude is called Alex Scott and the black dude is Kelly Robinson. Why? Why not?

Remember how I said that I'd never seen a movie poster scream "BAD" as loudly as The Avengers? Yeah, I spoke too soon.

Still haven't found one better than this though:

Find a better poster, I dare you

So anyway, I Spy. The story focuses on the misadventures of the slightly retarded special agent Alex Scott, played by Owen Wilson after what I imagine were many, many bong hits. He doesn't act so much as glide through the movie, occasionally expressing emotion but never raising his voice above the level necessary to startle a kitten. Eddie Murphy plays Kelly Robinson, a cocky boxer with a penchant for referring to himself in the 3rd person and also when he has nothing better to say. Which is a lot of the time. 97% of the dialogue goes as such:

Owen Wilson: hey brah, we gotta find this stolen plane thing.

Eddie Murphy: Kelly Robinson gonna find that plane! Kelly Robinson gonna whoop its ass! 57-0, baby! Kelly Robinson!

Owen: No, we need to go to this party, k? ...Man you got any cheese nips?

Eddie Murphy: Cheese nips? Cheese nips! I'm Kelly Robinson, Kelly Robinson don't want no cheese nips! I kick those cheese nip's ass! 57-0!

Owen Wilson: Well maybe we could-

Eddie Murphy: Kelly Robinson!

Owen Wilson: You're starting to harsh my-

Eddie Murphy: Kelly Robinson, 57-0! Whoo! Damn, Kelly Robinson be scary! I whoop your ass, that's what Kelly Robinson gonna do! 57-0!

Now stretch this out to an hour and a half and you pretty much got it. It also has Malcolm McDowell of Clockwork Orange fame as the evil plane-selling bad guy and Famke Janssen as the love interest and winner of most irritating name award. Her you know as Jean Gray from X-Men, but to me she'll always be the eastern-European, frighteningly man-ish looking assassin Xenia Onatopp from Goldeneye who kills dudes with her MATERNAL-FORNICATING THIGHS:

Who needs mind powers when you have THIGH POWERS? (ok, that one was bad).

Anyway, the movie is funny but also extremely stupid and you need an extra-high tolerance to Eddie Murphy in order to see it through, but honestly, all the stupidity this movie has, and all the brain cells it ruthlessly murders are negated by this scene:

Cuz it's good for us. Sexual healing.

Two and three-quarter "Kelly Robinsons!" out five. Because I can. Also, one last thing before I pass out, a huge thank you to Simon at Four of Them and Ron at If I Had A Blog for pimping my glorious ass (and it is indeed glorious) across the intermanet. They are cool dudes (or dudette and dude in this case) and if you don't already read their blogs, go fulfill that empty hole in your life and start reading! This is Sugary Cynic saying "when I get that feeling, I need sexual healing...or maybe more pizza" 'Night!

"Well that's why people think Carlos is a better spy, his bombs are way more potent than mine!" -Owen Wilson

*The Sound of Me Exhaling Through My Teeth*

A Day In The Life of Sugary Cynic (Well, today anyway, shit like this does not go down in a regular fashion thank goodness)

8am: kill alarm clock

8:15am: acknowledge new day

8:30am: drink coffee

9am: Leave the house late for work

9:11am: Stop for gas, bypassing the BP even though it is closest because we want to be all socially responsible and not support them, end up paying out the ass at some nasty non-chain gas station where it doesn't work and I have to go in and get an employee who decides if I can't properly work a pump I must be brain damaged and proceeds to treat me as such

9:35am: 5 minutes late, new early record! Also free light-up yoyo! Yay!

9:45am: Try to drink coffee, there are no cups :(

9:46am-11am: Follow boss-dude around the museum as he is in hyper panic mode, preparing for the Toy Story rush. Also fetch chairs for extremely surly visiting water conservation people. They sit but continue to be surly.

11am-12pm: Make phone calls to people who hate me. One Asian woman who made a membership inquiry online refuses to acknowledge this, wants to know why I am calling and what I want from her. WHAT YOU WANT? I NO WANT! HANG UP NOW!

12pm-1:30pm: Whore for membership from people who are either too much in a hurry trying to make the movie, pissed because the movie is sold out, or angrily demanding a free t-shirt because they signed up five years ago and NO ONE WAS HANDING OUT FREE T-SHIRTS THEN! IS THIS HOW YOU TREAT YOUR CUSTOMERS?! ONLY OCCASIONALLY GIVING THEM FREE SHIT WHEN IT SUITS YOU?!

1:40pm-2pm: Wait in line or lunch at Subway, overhear the story of a teacher at a Catholic school who would stay home claiming he had stigmata.


4:40pm: boss-dude sees the homicidal glare in my eye, lets me take off early.

4:45pm-5:15pm: traffictraffictraffictraffictraffic

5:20pm: enter home, Dad informs me if I do not clean my room, he will put all my stuff in storage and turn it into a guest room.

5:25pm-7:45pm: cleaning my room while watching The Wind and The Lion a movie where Sean Connery plays a rebel Arab. Yup.

7:45pm-WTF: Working on Father's Day gift (waited a bit too long) computer contracts horrific virus getting a song. Proceeds to die a harsh and prolonged death

8:30pm: Dinner! Get into what is in retrospect a pointless and ridiculous argument with my father concerning the ins and outs of evolution. Discussion ends for the evening.

9pm: My brother goes Dr. Frankenstein on my computer, I fret over Dad's gift. We need the installation CD. It has fled to Spain.

9:05pm-12:41am: FRUSTRATION. Eventually, my computer is completely reformatted, now lacking every program ever. My brother at least fixes the I-tunes and internet so I can burn my CD and post the blog.

12:45am-1:28am: Burn disc while writing blog (meta!)

1:29am: Disc finished. Disc also still blank for some reason. Attempt to not literally burn CD.


1:36am: Thunderstorm starting, power flickers. Fuck. No.

1:40am: Burned CD a 3rd time, think I might be accidentally wiping them so I just pop it out.

1:41am: I can see into the future! I see me passing out in bed, screaming quietly into my pillow. I want coffee.


Friday, June 18, 2010

Everything In This Museum Comes To Life At Night!

Because while Indiana Jones jokes are the obvious route, I can't believe it took me this long to make a Night At the Museum reference. Anyway this whole "working six days a week" thing is a pain in the ass, but I'm nearly done. Also I just fell asleep for 25 minutes so good night and stuff

Thursday, June 17, 2010

The "A" In A-Team Stands For "HELL YES, BITCHES!"

That's right, the movie The A-Team defies the alphabet, it also defies gravity, logic, basic physics, and God. It gleefully embraces every action movie cliche in existence, then proceeds to dry hump those cliches into submission and every minute of it is pretty awesome. Mostly because the movie does not take itself too seriously. It knows it's completely fucking ridiculous and it responds to your accusations by flying a tank, exploding a ship and lighting Bradley Cooper on fire. And those are things I can get behind.

To whit, after putting in my time at the museum (I'll be done in July!) I went off to see A-Team with um, what's his name? That one, I forgot. I'm sure it will come back to me later :p anyway, we went to see the movie, sat through some god-awful trailers (I have never seen a movie scream "ASSY!!" as loudly as Takers)

Lessee, two rappers, one who's been in prison and another who used to beat the shit out of his girlfriend, that blonde dude who never had a successful film outside of the Fast and the Furious franchise and Emo-Vader. I smell a hit!

And then the movie started and awesomeness occurred. The plot, as it were, revolves around our four heroes trying clear their name and steal back these engraving plates and THEY ARE FLYING A GODDAMNED TANK, WHO GIVES A RAT'S ASS ABOUT ENGRAVING PLATES?! There are enough explosions and insanity to bring Michael Bay to erection, it rocks. As for the characters, I feel like I made them in the sense that I have seen only one episode of the A-Team and just know that B.A. is the ass-kicker, Hannibal is the leader with the plan, Face is suave and/or horny and Murdock is crazy. Well the writers must have seen just that one episode too because the characters in the movie are each one single trait amplified to 11. Hannibal does indeed love plans. To the point where it's weird and I think he might have some kind of plan fetish. If he could make love to a plan, he would. But he's played by Liam Neeson, who makes it work. He's one of those guys, like Robert Downey jr., where I would watch a movie where he chased a kitten around for an hour...let's make a movie where RDJ and Liam Neeson chase kittens, it would be awesome.

I smell a hit!

Wow, got a bit off-track there. So Hannibal's hot for plans and Face is hot for anything that moves. Bradley Cooper is sexy and all, but he is kinda annoying, like if you did something with him you'd have to ducktape his mouth shut first. He's fine as Face, potential-carrier-of-crotch-rot, and "Rampage" Jackson is surprisingly good as B.A. when you consider he just beats the shit out of things for a living. He's especially adorable when they put him on planes and he freaks out. And finally, Murdock, played by Sharlto Copley, is completely batshit insane. Like an actual mental case, he's the one who ignites Bradley Cooper, tilts helicopters upside down, speaks Swahili, re-enacts Braveheart and just wins at everything ever forever. He was great in District 9 as the dumbass you wanted to hug rather than swat upside the head, but he steals this movie and will hopefully be popping up in a lot of new projects soon. He's just so damn goofy. Also unlike Neeson, who has perfected the "not-quite-American" accent, Copley is all over the place with his but it doesn't matter because he rocks this movie so hard I grant him Sean Connery Accent Immunity. So there.

Finally, the bad guy is Nite Owl from Watchmen, chews the scenery in fine style, making pithy comments and just having a grand old time. His role is cookie-cutter bullshit but he makes the most of it and manages to be very entertaining. Jessica Beal serves no purpose beyond being Face's love interest. Way to be that vagina, Jessica Beal. Ugh, I hate having to write about how pointless the female character is every time I watch an action movie but it's true! These people don't write an actual role for a woman, they just say "hmmm, boobs should go here" and a lady is written in for no reason or plot-related purpose and sticks out as such. (climbs up on soapbox) JUST WRITE A REAL CHARACTER ROLE THAT HAS A PURPOSE AND JUST HAPPENS TO BE A LADY, NOT A COMPULSORY PAIR OF TITS THAT JUST HANGS AROUND LOOKING AWKWARD AND ADDING NOTHING TO THE MOVIE (trips and falls off). Ok, I'm better now.

So, final count: The A-Team is silly, ridiculous, explosion-y and has it's way with every action cliche imaginable. It also has Sharlto "South Awesomecan" Copley and it is reallly just a lot of fun and isn't trying to be any more than that. A solid three catapults out of five for a good time at the movies, but a sad lack of Mr. T cameos (seriously Mr. T, you're doing cooking informercials, it's not like you didn't have the free time!)

Lastly, here's the international trailer for Scott Pilgrim, it is far more awesome than the domestic one and confirms that my favorite line, "If your life had a face, I'd punch it" made into the movie!


And that about wraps it up. This is Sugary Cynic saying "I love it when a good plan comes.......together" 'Night!

...oh, right, it was Izzy! (smarmy grin)

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Versatile Bloggery/Banner Shenanigans

Random Thought of the Day: It's funny when large chunks of cast from another movie or series end up together in a completely different one. I don't mean like Tarantino or Coen bros where they have a group of actors they like best, I mean completely random. The best examples I can think of are The Pagemaster and Valkyrie (because disparity is fun!). Ok, so first Pagemaster: Captain Picard as the Adventure book (I never knew for the longest time, sounds nothing like him), Spock as Dr. Jekyll, and whoever Whoopi Goldberg played as the Fantasy book = Unofficial Star Trek reunion! (Whoopi Goldberg was totally on Star Trek at one point, sick, right?)

Before we (we being me, my brother, Ashley and her sister) saw Valkyrie in theaters, Ashley's sister jokingly asked if Tom Cruise was a pirate nazi because of the eye-patch. Har har. It was only later, after we saw that the movie had Gibbs, Beckett, and Davie Jones from Pirates of the Caribbean, that calling it a pirate nazi movie wasn't that far off.

Moving on! Apparently, according to That Which Is Simon on Four of Them, I am the blogging equivalent of David Bowie. In that I am versatile as opposed to a occasionally bi-sexual transvestite glam rock star (though I could be, if given the opportunity).

I'm like a Subaru Outback that way...

All righty, now that I have properly basked in my glory (which is glorious), and also proved that I am fairly certain I don't know what versatile actually means, I must not only select other bloggers of equal versatility but also write seven random facts, so Simon, thank you and also because I have to write fact-things, this:

This is one of the babies at my work. I call her the Godfather and have a strong suspicion she is Marlon Brando reincarnated

Ok, lessee, I feel like the following bloggers might be capable of morphing into transformers (that's what versatile means, right?)

If I Had A Blog

A Life in Equinox
And I would have also put The Lotus Sutra Chronicles but she has apparently been launched into deep space or is otherwise no longer existent :(

There ya go, dudes. Know that you are versatile.

As for the seven facts, what's left? I've shared everything with you weirdos! Ok, guess I have to get kinda personal. Here goes:

1. I went back in time and high-fived Aristotle, turns out he prefers the fist-bump.

2. Steve Jobs stole the idea for I-pods from me. I said "I wish all my music came in a magical tiny box with an apple on it" and he ran away giggling maniacally.

3. I can rub my stomach and pat a wildebeest at the same time.

4. I invented the spork.

5. My middle name is AwesomepantsMcGee, it's from my grandmother.

6. I just gave you scurvy.

7. My tears are made of caramel.

And now you know.

One final item: Every week or so I'll be changing the tagline on m banner-mabob to a different movie quote, some classic, some horrifically obscure. First person to guess the quote's origins correctly wins an awesome prize! (I don't know what it is exactly, but rest assured it will be awesome). So get on that! This is SugaryCynic saying "I have filled you with scurvy, go eat an orange" 'night!

(out of nowhere and for no goddamn reason, the old lady at the babysitting says)

Lorraine: "My damn prosthetic is too big, it keeps slipping. Lemmee know if it looks like I only have one boob"

Me: *silence of utter horror*

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

I'd Like To Talk To You About Hell...

You know what's awesome? The Divine Comedy (well, Inferno and Purgatory anyway, Paradise is super boring and the literary equivalent of Shirley Temple and Mickey Mouse dancing around a Bible). You know what's not awesome? There are practically no movie adaptations of it. And also when people say "Dante's Inferno? That's the sequel to Dante's Peak, right?"

My favorite part is when Pierce Brosnan outruns Satan and flees the 9th circle of Hell in his jeep

For the non-Lit-student-nerds out there, The Divine Comedy is by Dante Alighieri, aka the ballsiest mofo in Italy. Why? Because he wrote an epic poem starring a thinly veiled version of himself where Virgil, writer of the fucking Aeneid comes and escorts him through Hell and Purgatory and then his dead girlfriend takes him through Paradise, all to show him the error of his ways so that he can fix his life because apparently God has decided he is too awesome to go to Hell. Also Hell is filled every bastard Dante has ever hated. That is balls made of adamantium. Anyway, the one that's most well known is The Inferno because it's easily the most fun with the torture and the demons and stuff. Personally, I like Dante and Virgil's dynamic best, watching their relationship shift as Dante becomes less of a pussy under Virgil's guidance and eventually comes to realize that a lot of things Virgil does is a massive bullshit bluff. I think that's part of why Paradise is so dull: no Virgil. Beatrice (the angry dead girlfriend angel) is interesting but it's not enough.

Back to my main complaint. No movies! Apparently there a billion references to Inferno in Apocalypse Now, but I saw the movie before I read the Comedy so I wouldn't know. Also isn't there some movie where Robin Williams goes to Hell to find his dead wife that's supposed to be some kind of interpretation of it? Dunno, I tend to avoid Robin Williams in anything that doesn't have Aladdin or Good Morning Vietnam in the title. Also there's that new tie-in to the Inferno videogame but the less said about that atrocity the better...

I must have skipped over the canto with this in it...

The only straight up Inferno movie I can think of is this really great one from 2007 starring Dermot Mulroney and James Cromwell. This version is a sort of modern adaptation that shows that Hell is other puppets. That's right, there are puppets. PAPER puppets. And it rocks. The time and the detail and care that went into it is phenomenal. It stays faithful to the story but brings a fresh and original feel to it. Many familiar and famous faces are in Hell now, which suspiciously resembles L.A. Also the devil looks like a gothy white-trash weirdo and crunches the ultimate traitors with the aid of Velveeta. It's dark, bizarre, unique and clever and totally worth the trouble of tracking it down. I can't recommend it highly enough.

Anyway, a while back I started a comic that was supposed to be a wacky parody of Inferno but got sidetracked by a crushing load of schoolwork. Now, when I'm working the dead desk I have time to work on it. I know the art's crappy but it's funny (supposedly) so that's supposed to make it ok. If anyone reading this is an artist or knows one with a lot of spare time, let me know, because I've been looking for a legit artist to collaborate with on a webcomic or something. I love comics and I've though of so many great stories for them, but need someone with the artistic skill to pull it off. For now, here's my crazy little parody of Inferno-in-progress (only eight pages right now). Also, I know what Virgil and Dante look like, but chose to ignore it because drawing an old dude in a toga is boring and drawing Dante the way he's supposed to look:

makes me giggle. Seriously, how did anything ever get done in Medieval Italy if everyone dressed like that? They'd be too busy snickering. Also, last also, if you want to actually read my crappy-ass handwriting, you gotta click the comics and Full View them:

Gasp! Cliffhanger! Unless you've read Inferno!

That's all for now, this is Sugary Cynic saying "Virgil and Dante might not be gay, but there at least Sherlock Holmes and Watson level bros" 'Night!

Me: " mad would Dr. Harrawood be if I told him in class that I 'shipped' Dante and Virgil?"

Val: "He'd be speechless, and possibly kill you"

Ashley: "Do it"

Monday, June 14, 2010

Music Monday/Pitchin' That LAMB: Buddy Flicks

So I was thinking about the new Green Hornet movie, mostly because we're supposed to be seeing a trailer some time in the near future. I know next to nothing about the original Green Hornet, but was interested because it was going to be directed/acted by Stephen Chow, who was in Kung-Fu Hustle and is awesome. But then he dropped out and the role of Kato went to Jay Chou and Michel Gondry took over directing duties, which I find intriguing but also a bit worrisome. Don't get me wrong, Gondry OWNS. Especially Be Kind Rewind, I love that movie so much. But that's the thing, he does quirky, cute, sort of surrealist-type movies. And occasionally Dave Chappelle. Not so much comic book action stuff. But really that just makes me curious for it, and also Christoph "That's a BINGO" Waltz is the bad guy and I love that dude silly. But then the Green Hornet superhero dude is this guy:

Bad guys quake at the sight of his jew-fro!

I mean, he's not exactly threatening. He'd have to lose the chubby-dude shtick, bulk up and...what now?

Oh. Well that's not too bad.

Only time will tell, the trailer is supposed to drop sometime next week (I think the 21st) and then we'll have a much better idea of what the balls this thing is.

Moving on! Today's Music Monday is short and simple because I feel like it. For whatever reason, the score to The Last Airbender has been released ages before the movie, which is a bit unusual but I'm not complaining because it is so far the only thing about this abomination-to-be of a movie that has made me excited (apart from CGI Appa, he just looks so perfect!). James Newton Howard is the man, partnering with Hans Zimmer for the Batman films, creating the haunting score to Lady In The Water and also the extremely magical Peter Pan. And he keeps up his awesomeness that I assume he generates by feeding on orphans and the elderly with his latest of many collaborations with M. Night Shamalamadingdong, The Last Airbender. Unfortunately, even though it's for sale on I-tunes, they only have little tidbits up on youtube:

or if you're willing to skip around through 4 and a half minutes of this dude talking about framing posters, he has way more clips of the soundtrack:

Anyway, it's nice to actually be excited about SOMETHING having to do with this movie as it continues to violently molest the TV series without repercussion.

Finally, tonight I do my first LAMB movie challenge ma-bobber! Wheeee! (An excited whee, as opposed to the usual unenthusiastically sarcastic whee) So the topic is to pitch a buddy flick and I'm not really one for film pitchery but here goes...

Title: Zombies, Vinyl and The Mysterious Mr. F (Possibly shortened to just The Mysterious Mr. F for lazy people)

Starring: Preferably a cast of unknowns for the mains, Jude, Cole and Laura. And Val Kilmer as the voice of Mr. F and Candice Bergen as Great-Aunt Rachel

Directed by: Marc Webb

Pitch: Jude Meyers is a girl with a predilection (read: obsession) for the zombie film genre whose best friend Matt has been killed in a car accident. Grieving and retreating ever-further into her world of gore and brain-munching, her parents decide to give her a change of scenery for the summer and move her to her great-aunt's house in the city, where she meets Laura, a stoner with a love for all things indie: movies, music and clothes, and Cole, a quiet guy with a massive vinyl album collection and Frankenstein-turntable. Slowly but surely Jude finds less time to brood and watch Dawn of the Dead and becomes embroiled in adventures with Laura and Cole: trying new (usually illegal) things, getting pseudo-kidnapped by a flash mob of pirates and trying to discover the identity of the city's most charismatic and enigmatic DJ, the Mysterious Mr. F. From the director of 500 Days of Summer comes a dark-humored story of friendship, ghostly radio personalities and learning to let go of the (un)dead.

...shut up.

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