Monday, May 31, 2010

Music Monday: It's About WHAT?!

Hello lads and ladies, I have mostly recovered from my Scott Pilgrim-induced state of catatonia and it's time for tunes! This week's theme is songs that are deceptive. You're bobbing your head to the music, enjoying that catchy beat when-hey?! What was that line? This song's about suicide?! Oh God. Here are five songs that fooled my ass into thinking they were cheerful:

1. Little Secrets by Passion Pit. I love Passion Pit so much and this is probably my favorite of their songs. Then my brother told me what it was about. I assumed from snatches of lyrics and the general upbeat tone that it was about putting shit aside and finally getting some enjoyment out of life:



That little choir of angel-voiced munchkins? They're singing about coping with your depression and hiding it from others via copious amounts of drugs. Possibly heroin. Yeah, so go ahead and tap toes to this delightful tune of self-medicating drug addiction! (Don't get me wrong, I still freaking adore this song, it's just now it bums me the hell out)

2. We Intertwined by The Hush Sound. The Hush Sound has a ton of melancholy, longing tunes that are straight up awesome. But to balance it out they also have a lot of great upbeat music as well. After hearing We Intertwined a few times it's impossible not to sing along. It's so catchy and the lead singer sounds so darn hopeful:(one of the only videos that wasn't a shitty live recording)



It's about a guy who's got an awesome girl...In his dreams. Yes his wondrous love doesn't exist in real life and the lyrics state pretty explicitly that he'd prefer to live in his dream world than face reality: "I knew this was a dream it was too good to be true/Coincidences were a bit much too/Who wants to wake up?/Who wants to lose it?/Who wants to live in this place?/I don't, so I'll be sleeping in" Wheeee

3. Dancing With Myself by Billy Idol. I know, I know, this one should have been obvious. But I remember my parents used to play this song when I was a kid (my dad loved Billy Idol) and it was one of my favorites. In my munchkin naivete, I assumed it was literally about having to dance alone because he kept getting rejected by ladies on the dance floor:



Fast forward some years and ponder more on lines like "I wait so long for my love vibration and I'm dancing with myself" and it's obvious that the only dance he's doing is the one with no pants. Alone.

4. Foundations by Kate Nash. My goodness it's a light bouncy little song. And she has such an adorable British accent. What is this catchy and charming little tune about?



Oh, clinging desperately to an obviously failed relationship in which the couple makes each other miserable but refuses to end it out of fear that they will never find anyone else. Nice.

5. Cousins by Vampire Weekend. Actually, I have no fucking clue what this song is about:



Um...It's about...cousins? Fuck you, Vampire Weekend.


And that is all for tonight, be sure to come back tomorrow for: Steven Seagal, A Retrospective. It will be just as weird as it sounds. Good night!

"Our songs don't mean anything, we just fill them weird ambiguous lyrics and catchy hooks and people eat it up. All of them are just gibberish I scribbled down on a whim, or while I was drunk. And kicking puppies" -Ezra Koenig, lead singer for Vampire Weekend...probably

Super Special Scott Pilgrim Bonus Update!

Happy Memorial Day to those who that applies to. Happy Monday everyone else. There will be a regular Music Monday post later today but HOLY SWEET MOTHER OF GOD THEY RELEASED A FULL SCOTT PILGRIM TRAILER AND IT IS SO AWESOME I PEED A BIT:



I MUST NOW GO FORTH AND PILLAGE IN THE NAME OF BRYAN LEE O'MALLEY

Sunday, May 30, 2010

Sean Connery Movie Sunday, As Presented By Bacon Cynic

Yeah, guess who made the mistake of going out into direct sunlight (hint: me). I went to the beach and now I'm as red as an embarrassed communist and crispy as a...crispy thing. Owies. Also, just saying, Friday's episode of Generator Rex that I just got around to watching was actually kind of bitchin. Outright enemy death, surprisingly great music and some really freaky Akira-esque moments involving bulging metal tumors. This show just keeps impressing me, keep an eye on it.

Ok, now as for today's Sean Connery movie. It is bad. So bad. So very very bad. And the worst part is, it could have been so good. What if I told you there was a movie that was an adaptation of the extremely awesome 60's Brit show The Avengers, which detailed the adventures of John Steed and Emma Peel, two ever-so-English spies and these two were played by Ralph "Voldermort" Fiennes and Uma "The Bride" Thurman? Oh, and also their boss is named Mother and played by Jim Broadbent and the bad guys are Sean Connery and Eddie Izzard? Doesn't that sound awesome? Hell yeah it does! But somehow, despite the massive potential therein, this is quite possibly the biggest piece of shit starring Sean Connery that I will review, yes even worse than Entrapment. Because you know Entrapment could never be anything more than silly. But this could have been totally kick-ass! Instead, it was this:

This poster doesn't just scream "BAD!", it jumps up and down while flailing madly and also on fire. Does there exist a movie poster that gives an even better indication that you're in for a pile of crap?

Actually, yes.

But murderous dolphins are neither here nor there. Why is this movie so painstakingly terrible? Many reasons. For starters, more than HALF AN HOUR of footage was cut from the original movie at the very last minute, which of course leads to the plot making absolutely no fucking sense and being filled with holes. Superficially, the story revolves around this weather device having been stolen by Sean Connery's character named August De Wynter, and he's going to ration the world's weather or hold it ransom or some such. Why? Why the hell not! So Peel and Steed have to save the day, but there are double-crossings, an evil clone Peel who exists for no reason, weird hints that the real Peel is schizophrenic and many scenes that are just flat out retarded:

Why yes, that is a board meeting of giant teddy bears, why do you ask?

And yes, they are lead by Connery as De Wynter. It is a testament to his awesome that he can still look threatening whilst dressed as a giant stuffed bear.


...Yeah. And remember Eddie Izzard, funniest human being ever in life? He doesn't talk. The whole gag of the movie is that the whole time he doesn't say a friggin word and then we falls to his doom, he cries out "FUUUUUUCK!" and that's it. Haha, that one swear word was totally worth not having one of the funniest comedians alive today say anything funny! Right?



So, the plot makes no sense and the acting is honestly kind of iffy all around despite the amount of talent. They just sort of go through the motions, like their parents made them do it and as soon they finish they can go out for pizza. but don't despair! At least two good things came from this crapfest. One is a song I posted here some time ago by the frontman of Madness:



Brilliant. So when does it play during the movie? ...It doesn't. It, the official song of the movie, plays either second or third during the ending credits. Yep. Because that makes sense. And the other is that, per the usual, everything that comes out of Sean Connery's mouth is hilarious. Hilariously awful, but let's take our victories where we can get them. His dialogue is cringe-worthy but he says it with such conviction and gusto that, well that it's still painful and cringe-worthy but also funny. Some highlights:



So, if you like plots composed of surreal nonsense, Uma Thurman looking bored, people in bear suits, silent Eddie Izzards and Sean Connery in full Scottish dress saying that now is in fact the winter of your discontent, then by all means, check it out. Otherwise, avoid like this movie like it is the lice-ridden kid on the playground. One discontented catapult out of five.

That's all for tonight. See you tomorrow with Memorial Music Monday Madness! (ALLITERATION SCORE OF 1,000!) 'night!

Alice: "He says unless we accept his demands, the weather will keep getting colder and colder until we'll all have to go to hell just to warm up"

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Prince of Persia Review

Ok, before I get started with anything I must acknowledge the fact that Dennis Hopper is no longer in the world, which is a bummer. The man's filmography is incredible: Easy Rider, Apocalypse Now, Crash, Speed, True Romance, the list goes on. But because it was the first thing I ever saw with him in it, in my heart, he will always be King Koopa from Super Mario Bros:

"One evil, egg-sucking son of a snake" He will be missed

Moving on, last night, as I mostly coherently managed to convey, I went to see the opening of Prince of Persia and came away kinda disappointed despite the effervescent hotness that is Jake Gyllenhaal. I have to give him props for an incredible transformation from adorable puppy to musclebound bad-ass:

Dayumn

But one hot dude does not a good movie make (though it sure can't hurt) and Prince of Persia suffers from flimsy writing, underdeveloped characters and a criminal underusing of the funniest guy in the movie, Alfred Molina as a crazy ostrich-racing criminal who decries government taxation, sold his mother for gold, and insinuates that big swords mean tiny dicks. He is basically supposed to be the token Jack Sparrow in a movie that is trying way too hard to be Pirates of the Caribbean. The difference is that Pirates had full, engaging characters, a witty script, a gripping story and an awesome villain. Prince of Persia has zero of these things. You have no reason to give a rat's ass about the characters, the dialogue is cheesy as hell, the story makes as much sense as me going "hey, there's this magic dagger and this orphan prince and he uses it to do stupid crap but then the world's going to end" that's basically it. And when you can turn back time, there's no real danger. No suspense. Speaking of suspense, this movie suffers from "who's the baddie? Hmmm, maybe the dude with the heavy eye make-up who can't stop scowling?"

"Oh, hey guys. I was just about to boil some infants before devouring a live puppy. Go Good Guys Team! Also, you got any spare eyeliner?"

Yeah. When you spend the whole movie wishing you were watching a movie about the secondary characters who are way more interesting, you know it's a bad movie. Two catapults out of five, for a lousy film with decent action scenes, an ostrich lover and Jake Gyllenhaal's abs.

There was supposed to be a new topic here but you get this instead:

A HELPFUL TIP FROM YOUR FRIENDLY NEIGHBORHOOD CYNIC:

You know you've had too much when listening to Animal Collective and watching this thing:



is pretty much the coolest shit IN THE WORLD. That is all.

Sheik Amar (he did have a name!): (talking to a baddie with a huge sword) "You know what they say about men with big swords"(waggles pinkie finger suggestively)

Ok So It's Not Technically A Post

But I went to see Prince of Persia with the family of best buddy Jon (who has returned from magical NYC) but the showing was sold out so we saw a later one and I am exhausted and have work tomorrow so a proper review will be posted on the morrow. For now, all I'll say is that the vistas are pretty, the running and jumping is very nice, Jake's been hitting the gym and the results are lovely, and our two lead heroes have all the interest and charisma of wet toast. Alfred Molina, as Arabian Jack Sparrow is awesome, steals every scene he's in, criminally underdeveloped. Also what's with Disney swashbucklers and bestiality? Jack with the goat in POTC 3, and Alfred Molina and his ostrich in this. Weird. Ok, I need to sleep, please enjoy this:



And also, because someone has to say it:



I now admit defeat. 'Night.

"Did you know ostriches are suicidal?" -whatever the hell Alfred Molina's character's name was. Did he even get a name? I don't think he did.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

I Live On The Edge (A Post That Is Mostly About The Goonies)

Yep, while my parents party it up, I watched The Goonies and drew comics. Cuz I live it up hardcore like that.

I wish I was Data because he is adorable and has all those cool gadgets and whatnot


But everyone who knows me knows that really I'm Mouth, and that most people want to punch me :D



Though I suppose it could be worse...


Anyone who isn't aware of The Goonies has my pity because it must have been a hard life, being locked up in a box like that...what? You weren't kept locked away in some sort of cage, hidden from society?

WELL THEN WHY THE HELL DON'T YOU KNOW ABOUT THE GOONIES?!

The Goonies is the quintessential kids film. And I say that with only a loose idea behind the meaning of the word quintessential. It was the movie that showed kids, yeah there ARE in fact other dorks in the world, and they get picked on by jocks and patronized by adults the same as everyone else, but they stick together, dammit, and sometimes, if they're really lucky and just a bit stupid, they can find treasure. Also it's totally cool to pick on the fat kid.

Note: Most chubby people are not as obliging when asked to do the Truffle Shuffle. Some even grow violent.


Anyway, The Goonies has everything: Action, violence, comedy, a touch of romance, friendship, pirates, gangsters, mutants and Joe Pantoliano. What more do you need? It was also the launching pad for Josh Brolin, Sean Astin and Corey Feldman (not that he was launched very far). Jonathan Ke Quan (That would be Data) had already done Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. I don't understand it, when he's Data I wanna give him a hug but when he's Short Round I only want to wring his irritating little neck. Go figure.

I dunno, when reviewing movies like The Goonies, it's hard to separate childhood fondness from reality. I'm willing to forgive a lot of ridiculous crap in that movie because watching is like revisiting friends from my munchkinhood. So yeah, the whole story of the pirate treasure is pretty out there, and yeah the Fratelli's are insanely unrealistic villains, and Andy would totally have realized she was kissing Mikey and not Brand, and they really are dicks to Chunk if you think about it, and what in God's name is Sloth? And did they purposefully name the pirate One-eyed Willy? I mean, they had to have realized how it sounds.

Despite all this, The Goonies is the movie that made me skulk around looking for tunnels and treasure...it might still make me do that >.> Either way, four and a half totally biased catapults out of five. Cuz Goonies stick together.

Also, for you viewing pleasure, all the Goonies today (or at least within the last few years):

Data, Mikey, Stef, Mouth, Andy, Director Richard Donner, Chunk and Brand

I love how Data looks almost exactly the same. Mouth too. I think Chunk wins the "looks totally different" award.

Also, for shits and/or giggles, here's what I was doodling in the interim:



Yeah, I party like the proverbial fucking rock star. This is Sugary Cynic saying "Goonies never say die!" 'Night!

(The kids are in the tunnels when Mikey calls for a bathroom break)

Mikey: "Okay, this is the little boys' room, and that cave over there is the little girls' room"

(Brand heads to a different cave)

Mikey: "Brand, where're you going?"

Brand: "This is the men's room"

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

They Wanted Me To Hold The Door

Yep. Because rich people in expensive suits apparently cannot tell the difference between an exit and an entrance (and I say that with total seriousness, if I hadn't been holding the stupid door open they would have milled around like confused and frightened sheep dressed in Armani). Well, rather than be a human doorstop I had to keep myself amused somehow, mostly by imitating Tour Guide Barbie:



Wheeeeeee.

However, there was at the groundbreaking, the most amazing and hilarious man I have ever seen in my life. I will explain why on a point by point basis:

1. He had on an expensive suit top and jacket, and blue jeans

2. he wore gold aviator sunglasses

3. He was shorter than me (that's 5'3" for those keeping score)

4. He had a mustache that was CRAFTED BY GODS FROM ON HIGH. The kind of mustache people dream of, and then weep as they wake for they know they shall never achieve that level of mustache-hood.

5. His name, his first name, was SANTIAGO.

Every time I was feeling bummed at being the Amazing Human Doorstop, I just looked at Santiago and the world became a brighter place.



In other, significantly less mustache-related news, I finally got back into working out and stuff now that I'm over the plague and more and more I find that the most effective workout music I have is How To Train Your Dragon. Why yes, I am a huge dork. And also, yes, I have no shame whatsoever, because it works. This song came on on the last half-mile on the bike machine, listen to it and tell me that doesn't inspire your ass across a finish line!



Don't judge meeeeeee...

What else? I introduced my brother to that which is Street Fighter,



And also we have a French intern doing this foreign exchange internship thing at the museum. And guess who they want to teach him how to whore for membership? And guess who finally has a use for the crap-ton of French she took in college? (the answer is me). Just goes to show, you never know when bilingualality will come in handy. Kay, I'm fucking bushed. This is Sugary Cynic saying "Buh-bye now!"

Because the quote from Street Fighter that I wanted to use is so much better out loud:

(After Chun-Li shows the baddies via video the truckload of explosives that is headed straight for them)

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

I'm On A Snipes Streak

Apparently. This one's early and short cuz I have to be at work ridiculously early tomorrow for this expansion celebration thingy. It's gonna be a "tiny pastries, mayor making speeches, come pose by this shovel" sort of affair, so I haven't the faintest why my boss needs me there but one does not question Those Who Fill Out My Hour Forms. So, on the topic of the title, I ended up delving back into the world of 90's Wesley Snipes when me and my Dad were discussing the sequel to The Fugitive, ya know, the one where Harrison Ford is framed by the one-armed man and Tommy Lee Jones has to hunt him down and the two pretty much do this back and forth:



Anyway, we were talking about the sequel and my brother had never seen it so thanks to the glorious Netflix instant-watch, we were able to educate him.

The sequel to it is not much a sequel as a spin-off, focusing on the adventures of Tommy Lee Jones's character as he continues to hunt down guys who didn't commit the crime and also to not care. This time, the wrongly-accused dude is Wesley Snipes, who is a far cry from Ford's "everyman" because he has CIA training, but he swings from the roof of a building to the top of a moving train so that makes it ok. Also Robert Downey Jr is in it as a baby-faced FBI agent with shady ties and a regrettable haircut.

It's your typical cop thriller with twists and turns the blind could see coming. Here is a stripped down list of the good bits:

1. The Fugitive had a spectacular train crash. What could up the ante? Why an even more spectacular PLANE crash! (Seriously, it's awesome. If nothing else, this director knows how to stage large scale wrecks in a kick-ass manner)

2. Joe Pantoliano. Some people find him annoying, but for some reason I find him immensely entertaining. He's just always whining or doing something dumb and it amuses me.

3. The aforementioned swinging jump onto a moving train. Fucking awesome.

4. Every other word Tommy Lee Jones says. The man is easily at his best when he is being an irritated, fast-talking cop. As opposed to a lackadaisical, too-old-for-this-shit cop (coughcoughNoCountryForOldMencough).

5. God Dammit Robert Downey Jr, stop playing the likable asshole, we can tell you're a bastard the second you show up, but we still spend the whole movie trying to like you anyway, you charming ass.

6. Fight in a sand pit that goes hilariously awry.

7. Tons of great chases that are exciting without being unrealistic. (Not Ronin or The Rock good, but still pretty decent...and The Rock does strain the bonds or credulity but whatever)

So there you go. A solid three catapult thriller. Because I DO care, even if Tommy Lee Jones doesn't. That's all for tonight (or is it?) It's not! For all the Scott Pilgrim fans of the world, here's a link to a cool article filled with tidbits from the cast about behind the scenes stuff. Apparently Michael Cera can play music (who knew?). Ok, good night for reals.

Tommy Lee Jones: (looking at RDJ's fancy gun) "Got a back-up weapon?"

RDJ: "Never had the need"

TLJ: "Get one. And keep it in your suit unless I tell you to take it out. Get yourself a Glock and lose that nickel-plated sissy pistol"

Monday, May 24, 2010

HOLY GOD I FORGOT SEAN CONNERY SUNDAY

I KNOW!!! WHAT HAPPENED?!?! (...oh wait, no one cares but me). Yeah, kinda dropped the ball there. Forgive me, Great Scottish One. So, to make up for the mistake that no really noticed anyway, and because I have no new musical joys to share with you and haven't seen the font of musical wisdom that is J-Lust since he vanished on a time-traveling pirate ship (it was a crazy weekend) I will do a late Sean Connery movie. This week, all the fun of rampant racism and Japanaphobia without ever actually going to Japan!

Must...make silly comment...must resist...getting lost in their eyes...

Rising Sun is a movie from 1993 based on a book by Michael Crichton that was published a year earlier. I mention this because the movie is EXTREMELY DATED, both in terms of technology used in the movie, and the plot line of everyone being mortally terrified that the Japanese were going to take over their businesses and eat their children, which was apparently a legitimate corporate fear in the earl nineties(?? I wouldn't know, I was too busy graduating to big girl undies at the time).

Anyway, despite a strong and interesting cast of Connery, Wesley Snipes, Tia Carrere, Harvey Keitel, Mako and the bad guy from the first Mortal Kombat movie, and a plot that kind of sort of maybe makes sense (a little) this movie is kinda shitty. In it, Wesley Snipes is a cop named Web Smith, a hilariously 90's name only upstaged by Connery's character, former police captain and expert on Japanese...stuff, John Connor (he's also earth's last defense against Skynet but the film never really touches on that). Anyways, there's big corporate thing going on between Japanese people and not-Japanese people and during this big fancy dinner party that celebrates it, a hooker is found strangled to death on a table in some office. Web (heh) is called in but first is instructed to pick up Connor, because he is some kind of magical Japanophile and can "deal with them" or something equally ambiguously racist. Really it's an excuse for Sean Connery to bark out Japanese in a Scottish accent, which is, admittedly, extremely funny to hear, especially when he says "sempai." Why Connor is this wizard of Japan is never really explained, apart from maybe some weird Steven Seagal-esque desire to pretend he's Asian?

Well, it wouldn't be the first time...

Anyways, Web and Connor (yeah, they never really call him John for whatever reason) take part in various hi-jinks as they try to discover the killer's identity while learning about the strange and wacky world of Japanese culture and manners. And yes, this movie is racist across the board, often hilariously so. Crichton's novel caught a lot of shit for being seen as racist against the Japanese and so the movie tries desperately to portray white people as Asian-hating bastards, like Harvey Keitel's character, and the Japanese as cultured men of honor, committing suicide by the sword in an honored and cultured manner while Connery spouts vague Japanese bullshit (I am so serious). They even the change the race of the killer, making him Caucasian, which is harder to spell than I thought it would be. But in their insistence on not stepping on any Japanese toes, they neglected to not make Wesley Snipes's character a raging stereotype. In the book, his character is white, and they decided to make him black for the film, presumably for shits and giggles. Now don't get me wrong, 80's-90's era Wesley Snipes had the power to raise the awesome level of any movie he appeared in at least tenfold, but in this case he exists only to be the angry black guy to Sean Connery's wise old not-Asian man. And his angry blackness leads to so many pointless movie bits where he is either offended by racism or just acts as a racist stereotype:

"Look, "sempai," apple pie, whatever it is you want me to call you, we have a murder here. I wanna solve it. I don't wanna hear true confessions, awright?" (literally, "awright")



Rich Ass-butt who mistakes Web for a valet parker despite his coply demeanor: "Hey! Hey, you! Quit loafing! Get the senator's car! What do you think we're doing?"

Web: "No, you get the senator's car! Wrong guy, wrong fucking century! Penguin looking mother fucker!"


Connor: "Every aspect of your appearance and behavior will reflect on you, the Department, and me as your sempai."

Web Smith: "My sempai? That wouldn't be massa, would it? "

>.< this adds jack shit to a plot that is already pretty threadbare. But it all culminates when Web and Connor are being tailed by some Asian thugs and Web drives into "the hood" where the tables are wackily turned on his and Connor's relationship! Remember how Connor was the god of all things Japanese and because of this was able to order Web around like a bitch? Well now in a stunning development, Connor's the fish out of water as Web becomes the "sempai" and sics some of his old hood buddies on the Asian punks, showing a hi-larious role reversal! ...I think I just broke my sarcasm. Hang on (poke, prod), yup, it's busted. While I try to find some duct tape, watch the scene for yourself:



Because this was necessary in order to properly tell the film's story (I taped my sarcasm, it should be fine).

Anyway, Tia Carrere's there to be nerdy yet hot and there is an implied relationship between her and Connery (and implied I mean with the subtlety of frantic arm-waving and giant neon arrows) which is kind of icky but movies never seem to want to pair Connery up with a lady his own age. The film continues, plots twist, Connery does his obligatory "beats up a much larger dude in an unexpected fashion that is so totally awesome and almost makes up for the stupid bits" and you don't really care because you've lost all track of the plot, have no idea why Steve Buscemi is in this movie and have become so disengaged that you notice there are at least four minor characters from Seinfeld hiding in this movie (Crazy Joe Devola, the TV Guide guy who was obsessed with Elaine, Mr. Kruger, and the Asian nail salon lady who George's dad had an affair with).

You see the ending coming a mile away, there's no real climax or ending action, except for Connery impliedly getting in on with Tia Carrere (ewww). Also Mako yells and stuff and I get sad that he's dead because in my heart he will always be Aku from Samurai Jack and Uncle Iroh from Avatar the Last Airbender. So yeah, Rising Sun is a very silly movie filled with very silly people doing very silly things. If you are looking for a decent film, look elsewhere. If you are looking for a rib-crackingly funny example of racism alive and well in the early nineties than look no further. Two catapults out of five for blowing up the baddie from Mortal Kombat and speaking Japanese in Scottish.



And with my mistake rectified I say good night! This is Sugary Cynic saying "...well good night, obviously. I just said it...dur"

(Web pushes back a wall and reveals the hidden room where the hooker was sexed and/or murdered)

Web: "The executive fuck chamber"

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Buttsex!

Made you look! But in all seriousness unrelated to anal intercourse, I am bored as hell. Apart from the internship and job hunting, my life is a barren wasteland of dullness with the occasional oasis of fun, like today, which was spent hanging out and being snarky with my hetero-lifemate Ashley.

To be fair, I'd prolly be Jay because I'm the loud and obnoxious one, but I don't think Ashley is cool enough to be Silent Bob

Anyway, it was fun, but still, it's not like school, where there are fifty people in a ten second walking distance whose rooms you can bust into and see what they're up to. For all that I gripe and moan about school slowly killing off little pieces of my soul in a long and grueling process, when I come home for summer there is a significant lowering of my wacky adventure quotient. No more late-night journeys to find weird little diners that had awesome nachos and sundaes and were open at 2am (Howley's, in the middle of buttfuck nowhere). Man, the first time we tried to find Howley's was an exercise in GPS ridiculosity:

Sophomore year was winding down, we were trapped in finals much like I was a few months ago. One Thursday night found me seated at a table with a motley assortment of people I was friends with but didn't really hang out with as a regular thing. These people were Alan: a debate dude who owns a Star Trek outfit, Wes: aka wolverine aka the man with the van, Jill: gossip queen of the wild frontier, and Brenda: who I am obviously friends with now but at the time merely knew her as the purple-haired chick who always had a camera. We were all finals-ing and miserable when suddenly Brenda or Jill (I don't remember who, this was a year ago, cut me some slack) stood up and declared:

"A grand eff on this shit! I know of a diner that serves wondrous brownie sundaes and is within driving distance!"

Something like that, anyway.

So we piled in Wes's van, grabbed a GPS and with only the vaguest idea of where the balls we were going, set off. When we started, we had the GPS set to what I like to call James Bond, because it was a smooth British voice telling us:

"Do remember to make a left on 3rd Street once you reach Oak Boulevard, there's a good chap!"

Except...James stopped talking to us. Were we not worthy? Did we offend? Was he set to Stuffy British Arsehole and we didn't know it? These are questions that cannot be answered. All we knew is that the dulcet tones of Navigator Bond had left us. So as Wes soldiered on behind the wheel, Alan hunted through other voices, switching to Cantonese for laughs.

Oh my goodness.

If James Bond ignored us, the Cantonese setting, which bewildered me too much for me to give it a name, NEVER STOPPED TALKING. AND IT WAS WONDERFUL. Unfortunately, as I do not know Cantonese (it's on my to-do list) it's kind of difficult for me to transcribe it here, also because I feel like it somehow makes me a racist ass-butt. Here goes: Basically, it would yell out things in Cantonese like (phonetically anyway) "Wing dey mon dah! Song cal min dey! Won tol mong raw!" at random intervals, and as we would get closer to a place where we were supposed to make a turn, it would get increasingly louder and more insistent and frantic-sounding, as though it was certain we would miss the turn and desperate to make sure we didn't:

"Wing dey mon dah! Wing dey mon dah!!! WING DEY MON DAH!! WING DEY MON DAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AND ALL THAT IS HOLY, WING. DEY. MON. DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!!!"

And somehow, we managed to get to Howley's. And indeed the brownie sundae was sweet. And yes, having typed that out, I do feel a tad uncomfortably racist. But as the musical Avenue Q teaches, everyone's a little bit racist:



Because even racism is better when you use scenes from Bleach!

So yeah, not much adventuring going on now. My local partner in random-outing crime, my best friend Jon, is currently running loose in New York instead of playing here with me, so if you happen to be anywhere in the area of New York City and you see a big gay Latin guy with glasses prancing around, possibly singing showtunes, feel free to trip him, laugh, and say it's from me. Because that would fuck with his mind. Yes, only together can we incite confusion and terror into my best buddy. One last thing before I go on my merry way (and a what a merry way it shall be): the ever-delightful and always insightful Facebook fan page has been topped out at 85 fans for somewhere in the neighborhood of fifty years and that makes Insecure Cynic sad inside. So join dammit! And if you already have, force your friends to do it too! Cuz all the cool kids are doing it. Don't you want to be cool too? Be cool. (Also help me get more fans than Dogs In Tuxedos and Top Hats, for personal reasons). Ok, whoring time is over. This is Sugary Cynic saying "Wing dey mon dah!"

"You're not an accessory to a murder! I am merely forming murder and robbery strategies," -Ashley, in one of those brief moments where I am genuinely afraid of her

Ummm.....

Yeah, I'm bushed from work, ran around hawking t-shirts, selling membership, generally making an ass of myself. Got invited to go for drinks with the senior staff who are all like 25 and 26 and couldn't go because of that whole still-fucking-20-years-old thing. Still have a ragged cough even though I basically am better. My brother had his prom and graduates in two weeks, which makes me feel all old and stuff. (This young/old quandary is not a fun one). Watched a Mystery Science Theater (Werewolf, fucking hilarious). Please enjoy this chart I did not make illustrating the secret to Sean Connery's success as an actor and all-around being of awesome:



Also bear witness to Sean Connery traveling back in time to make sure his younger self drinks the right alcoholic beverage whilst blatantly disregarding possible time paradoxes that might arise:



Good night and watch out for time-traveling Sean Connerys of questionable ethnicity offering you Dewars.

Friday, May 21, 2010

Office Bitch Comes To Save The Day! ...But Mostly To Do Your Filing!

"Oh the inhumanity! Envelopes are un-stuffed, membership stubs lie about and files are stacked in a manner that can only be described as willy-nilly!!! What shall we do?!?!"



"Look! Up in the sky! It's some kind of airborne fowl!" "Nonsense, it's an automated flying machine!"

Of course not, you drool-spewing morons, it's Office Bitch! The superhero that does all the crappy office jobs that no one else wants to bother with, liking stamping passes, shredding old notices and chasing squirrels out of the copier!





"Oh joyous day! Office Bitch has come to save us all from wanton paper-cuts!"



"Mmmmyeah, Office Bitch? Since you're here and saving the day, I need you to go ahead and get those squirrels out of the copier. That'd be great. It'd really be fantastic if you could do it soon, 'cause they're starting to mate. Yeah, thanks"

ANOTHER CRISIS AVERTED, THANKS TO OFFICE BITCH!



ps. I win at Office Space references

pps. Gary Cole = one of the most underrated character actors EVER

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Lost In Translation: Infernal Affairs and The Departed

I am running out of ways to creatively/obnoxiously say hello to you people. So, hello. Today at the internship I accomplished playing with a price gun in the museum gift shop (Note: employees DO find it funny when you price yourself at $79.00, they DO NOT however, find humor in you pretending to hang yourself with a noose fashioned from sticker-paper chains. Also they are GENERALLY INDIFFERENT to you running around with a plastic stingray screaming "I killed Steve Irwin!" in a squeaky voice. Just helpful things for you to know).

"It was MEEEEEEE"

After that, I did some phone work and then we all watched Miracle for team-building purposes. Yeah. Miracle, if you don't know, is the true story of the U.S. Olympic hockey team actually not sucking in 1980. It's one of those "the world is in absolute shit, you know what would fix everything? A sporting event victory!!" movies. Thus is Miracle the story of the scrappy American hockey team overcoming adversity.

And by adversity I just assume they mean Kurt Russel's hair.

So, I didn't learn too much about team building due to my piddly attention span, but here are the things Miracle DID teach me:

1. Any and all problems can be solved through hockey drills

2. They wore some god awful pants back in 1980

3. Russians communicate solely through eyebrow wiggling

4. the legs feed the wolf (No, I don't know what that means, but Kurt Russell said it, so it must be so)

5. YELLING = MOTIVATION

6. In Soviet Russia, hockey plays you

7. It is totally ok to neglect your children and alienate your wife in the name of Olympic hockey

8. There are absolutely no consequences to keeping seriously injured players on the ice

9. People from Minnesota talk funny

10. Announcers only care about the American team, and will openly root for them against the other nations

Ah well, at least there was free pizza.

After I got home, my brother and I watched Infernal Affairs, the Chinese thriller that Scorsese remade into The Departed. We learned two things from watching Infernal Affairs: 1. we've watched way too many Chinese action movies, because we could identify the entire main cast from several different films, and 2. Martin Scorsese did much less legwork than you would think in remaking this movie. Whole scenes and dialogue are lifted pretty much directly. He just changed the names, dropped a plot point about Morse Code and gave them all Boston accents. Done.

Don't get me wrong, I love The Departed. It has a great cast with everyone turning in a strong performance and the tension is finely tuned throughout (also any movie that utilizes the Dropkick Murphys earns extra points from me)



In the end, both movies have their strong and weak points. Infernal Affairs gets the extra credit of having done it first and it does a great job. It stars Tony Leung, who apart from being really cute is top friggin notch in whatever he acts in. The story is great, and the stuff about Morse code that Scorsese left out of his version is really cool. The weak point is that the story moves much faster. Characters are introduced and put into action way too quickly for you to get to know them or give a crap about them. A character dies and the movie makes a huge deal out of it with flashbacks and depressing music but you don't really know the character at all. Nothing pertinent was revealed about them, no real defining traits to make you care that he's dead. The Departed spends much more time fleshing out characters and giving us a reason to care what happens to them.

However, the ending is where The Departed comes up short. I won't spoil anything but the ending is clumsy and suffers from trying to make sure the bad guy gets what's coming to him. The original ending in Infernal Affairs makes no attempt to bring the villain to justice and is all the better for it, implying that the bad guy surviving and being forced to live with himself is punishment enough. It's a much stronger ending with a greater impact. And that's without even mentioning the stupidest part of Departed at the very end with the world's most heavy-handed symbolism for corruption when a rat scrabbles across a window sill overlooking the Massachusetts State House. Jeez! We get it, there's corruption at every level. Seriously, it's dumb just in general but Martin fucking Scorsese should know better. He is too good to get a free pass.

Overall? The Departed and Infernal Affairs are both strong movies with a few flaws that are nonetheless worth checking out (it's interesting to see just how extremely faithful Scorsese really was to Infernal Affairs). They both score four catapults out of five.

My cold medicine is kicking in, so forgive the spelling errors and good night!

"Of course I think the version I made is better, but the Hollywood version is pretty good too. [Scorsese] made the Hollywood version more attuned to American culture." -Andrew Lau, director of Infernal Affairs

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

So...How 'Bout That 101?

A general "wassup" to everyone as I settle into the triple digits. You may notice that the banner ma-bobber is different (or you may not, I might be you giving you too much credit). I dunno, the old was good but I'm tired of it and I feel like it didn't really convey the tone of the blog anymore. I wanted something silly and goofy and in leu of actually getting someone who knows what they're doing, I did it myself and will leave it there until someone goes "seriously, get rid of it, you embarrass yourself enough as it is." Til then.

So today I didn't have internship or my interlude job that I recently stumbled into. Have I talked about that at all? The community center/gym/whatever that my mom works at needed someone to fill in at the babysitting room helping this old lady who's been around since the South seceded mind the munchkins. Since the last girl they had sat on the opposite side of the room from the toddlers while making a face like this:



The figured they ought to get someone who's actually good with kids....(hint: it's me. I know, sick, right?)

Nah, I'm a sucker for ankle-biters, pretty much all the steady pay I've ever gotten has been from minding those little monkeys. They are cute as all hell but I've already gotten splashed with more substances than I'd care to mention. Either way, it's a temporary source of income til I can find a real job and this chubby little two year old hugged me the other day and they told me he'd never hugged any of the staff before so that was kinda nice.

"They say Sugary Cynic's heart grew three sizes that day*"

*Surgeon General's Warning: if you feel your heart is growing three sizes it most likely has nothing to do with warm fuzzies, happiness or a general feeling of goodwill towards mankind. It's probably a heart attack, seek medical attention.

Moving on! So, since I had nothing pressing to do, me and my mom, who also had the day off, went to the mall and had girly time in which we pranced from store to store, were frightened away from Hot Topic by the death metal dirge and Twilight t-shirts, spent far too long sniffing things in Bath and Body Works and then I got the most awesome shoes on the face of the planet. Ever. Forever. Ever.

Pictured above: Awesomeness, in shoe form

What else? My brother and I watched some more Wii Netflix (we can watch movies instantly on our tv through Netflix on the wii) it's official, we're addicted and we can't stop. Send help. We watched Dragnet the other night, a movie version of the cop show starring Dan Aykroyd and Tom Hanks. It's a cute, goofy movie but at the end they do a rap. A Dragnet rap. Performed by Dan Aykroyd and Tom Hanks. It is just as horrifying as it sounds. My brother went into convulsions of joy because he always jokes that movie end credits should be accompanied by a rap sung by the main characters describing the plot that just happened. Well, Dragnet does this. And it may have permanently scarred me. And by God if I have to be traumatized for life, you guys should be too:



Well, you can't follow that so I guess it's time to call it a night. Internshipping tomorrow and God knows what else. Maybe even rapping (There won't be).

(Tom Hanks and Dan Aykroyd are watching this reverend played by Christopher Plummer on the news)

Tom Hanks: "This guy knows God personally, I hear they play racquetball together"

Dan Aykroyd: "Well, just go ahead and chuckle away, mister. I don't hear God laughing"

Tom Hanks: "You will, once he sees your haircut"

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

I Got 99 Posts But A Bitch Ain't One...HUNDRED

(Before I explode into revelry and batshit insanity, I would like to thank J-Lust for stepping in for me as I desperately clung to life like it was Christian Bale in a thong. Thanks a lot, dude. Also that 8-bit stuff is awesome and seems like it'll mesh perfectly with Scott Pilgrim). Ok, now:



WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

ONE HUNDRED POSTS BIZZATCH, ALL OF WHICH ARE THE EPITOME OF WONDROUS DELIGHT...EXCEPT THE ONES THAT AREN'T.

Seriously though, when I started this blog on a bleak evening in early February, whilst procrastinating on a Shakespeare paper and writing about Sean Connery as a Steampunk pirate captain I didn't really think that I would actually keep going and even achieve a modest little reader base! Honestly, you guys fucking rock. I love your comments, I love reading your blogs and I love that you put with my dangerously-close-to-worshiping-as-a-deity love of Sean Connery, my juvenile sense of humor and my occasional moments of existential-emo. And for everyone who reads but doesn't comment, you are pretty awesome as well. I heart all of you peoples and as much fun as it is just writing this thing, you make it like 50 times more rewarding. I know in blog years this thing, barely four months old, is still an adorable chubby-cheeked baby, but stick around, the crazy has only just begun...and now, a very special Sean Connery TUESDAY (le gasp!)

Remember many moons ago when I reviewed Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade and admitted to being just a bit biased towards it? Yeah. This movie is not only my favorite Sean Connery movie period, but also just plain one of my favorite movies. It had Nic Cage before he was a joke, Sean Connery when we could still pretend him having hair wasn't completely insane and Ed Harris. Well, Ed Harris. He doesn't need anything more. I speak of course, of The Rock.

If you don't enjoy this movie, Sean Connery will shoot you in the face! (also, hint to the world at large: if ever you wanted to win my utmost love, you would find me a poster of this movie...just sayin)

The Rock is a bitching action film by the likes of Michael Bay from 1996, before he had lost all credibility and created giant racist talking robots. It's definitely considered to be his best film by most (though Bad Boys is pretty awesome) even though it does succumb to some Bay tropes like helicopter sunrises, pointless 360 degree pans and stereotyped black people who yell ridiculous shit like "WHAT KINDA FUCKED UP TOUR IS THIS?" But even that is not enough to bring this movie down.

I first saw the Rock on VHS when I was 11 or 12 and even though I'd already seen a Bond film or two, I didn't know Sean Connery, you know, like didn't associate it? Basically, you know the first time when you see a movie and you pick out the actor and that becomes sort of like your baseline for recognizing them? Like I didn't know who Michael Caine was when I saw the 3rd Austin Powers movie so I don't really associate him with the role (doesn't matter cuz that movie's awful) my point is that The Rock was my baseline for not just Sean Connery but also Nicholas Cage and Ed Harris (and years later I'd discover Dr. Cox was in it too! Which brings our Sean Connery/John C. McGinley count to two)

I like to think that when Dr. Cox isn't working at Sacred Heart Hospital he's wandering into Sean Connery films

Anyway, my parents rented it and I watched it with them. And then took it up to my room and watched it again. And would subsequently rent it several more times before buying it on DVD years later. I love this movie. I know chunks of it by heart. After watching Be Kind Rewind it is entirely possible that my brother and I made a Sweded version of The Rock that even if it did exist you would never ever see ever. So what is the film about?

Ed Harris plays General Frank Hummel, a bad-ass old Marine dude who is sick and tired of the government choosing to ignore rather than honor a crap ton of marines who died fighting for the U.S. Rather than write a petition or hold a charity benefit, Hummel decides the best course of action is to steal a bunch of VX poison gas rockets, take over Alcatraz and hold some tourists hostage while pointing said rockets at San Francisco while demanding the government pay up.

Well, it's still less deranged than this:



Moving on! So, apart from all the marines everywhere forever, the government also needs a chemical weapons expert to take care of the VX gas, and a dude who actually knows how to get in and out of Alcatraz. They find the former in dorktastic Stanley Goodspeed (Nicholas Cage), who is a quirky guy who loves the Beatles, is not fond of large needles near his general person and has impregnated his screechy girlfriend. The latter is James Bon-I mean John Mason (Sean Connery), a geriatric ex-British spy who once broke out of Alcatraz who has been locked up for thirty years for stealing microfilm, which sounds silly even when you type it out. As for the James Bond bit, it is widely speculated by nerds everywhere that John Mason is meant to be taken as James Bond and that Michael Bay worked in all these subtle references to this (as if Michael Bay were that clever).

Anyway, FBI director Womack, played to putz perfection by the late John Spencer, offers Mason his freedom if he can get Goodspeed and the marines into Alcatraz. Mason responds by stealing a Humvee and engaging in one of the greatest car chases in film through San Francisco to see his daughter Jade (Claire Forlani), who conveniently lives in the city! They have a bonding moment but more importantly, Jade makes a reference to her existence being the product of Mason and her mom at a Led Zeppelin concert. Please take a moment and imagine Sean Connery at a Led Zeppelin concert.

"Play Stairway To Heaven!"

Anywhoo, Goodspeed catches Mason and Kyle Reese from Terminator takes them to Alcatraz where he and the entire rest of the platoon that is not Sean Connery or Nicholas Cage is promptly slaughtered by Hummel's men, who turn out to be a pack of slavering psychopaths, much to Hummel's surprise. Explosives happen, there are possible penetration points in the shower room but not the sort you'd expect, dead men's feet twitch, mine cart chases occur, Hummel may lack the stones to kill anyone, various black marines would take pleasure in gutting Goodspeed, there's a marine with a topknot, which is hilarious, Dr. Cox is burned to death, someone calls Mason an Englishman which is doubly hilarious and they manage to save the day and Goodspeed helps Mason escape Womack, who was full of crap but easily persuaded that bodies can vaporize.

And if that's not enough incentive, here's my super special 100th-post-filmed-in-the-daylight-instead-of-2am-video detailing my favorite things about the movie:



So yeah, basically it's my favorite Sean Connery movie because he is in his element as the aged bad-ass antihero. His lines are pure gold, his acting is superb and there's just something great about watching him kill the shit out of the bad guy marines and then claim he'd rather have been a poet or a farmer. As for the movie itself, it's always a blast to watch. It takes itself a little too seriously but Nicholas Cage sure doesn't and he brings a lot of charm to the movie as the neurotic nerd who ends up kicking all kinds of ass. Watch this movie and then watch his version of The Wicker Man. It's confusing how he went so far astray. Hilarious, but confusing. All the actors pull their weight, the story is not amazing but also not terrible and anyway it takes a backseat to the intense and awesome action. Nic Cage and The Connery play well off of each other and have some great dialogue and Ed Harris plays his conflicted villain like he was born to do it. Overall, it's fun, loud, quotable and I can watch it over and over again. A perfect five catapults out of five.

For some extra fun, here some bloopers. Watch as Edd Harris goes totally batshit, Sean Connery forgets song lyrics and verbally abuses an elevator, and Nicholas Cage falls on his ass and free associates:



And just because this really is my favorite line in the history of movie lines:



Never gets old.

Anyway, to end the night on a completely random note, my brother and I watched this unbelievably bad Steven Seagal movie tonight called The Glimmer Man. It was incredibly funny, superbly shitty and really not worth going into but it made me remember this one video and since making fun of Steven Seagal never goes out of style:



Yes, Steven Seagal, I do know.

On that note, I'm going to bed! (ps. this is being updated so late because it took me forever to edit the stupid video down to youtube length >.<) I'll see you tomorrow with adventures in baby-watching. Hope you enjoyed the 100th post and thanks for reading. This is Sugary Cynic saying "I hope you bastards appreciate that I blew my throat and/or vocal chords out for you" 'Night!

(Goodspeed and Mason disarm a missile while a dead marine's foot twitches in the background)

Goodspeed: "Ok, you've been around a lot of corpses, is that normal?"

Mason: "What? The feet thing?"

Goodspeed: "Yeah, the feet thing,"

Mason: (shrugs) "Yeah, it happens,"

Goodspeed: "Well I'm having a hard time concentrating. Can you do something about it?"

Mason: "Like what, kill him again?"

Monday, May 17, 2010

Yadnom Cisum! (guest author J-Lust)

Hello and welcome to another action-packed episode of MUSIC MONDAY! I'm the irresistible J-Lust! The Sugary Cynic is currently quite ill and is unable to write as she fights off her illness which only Alfred has the cure to.


Obscure reference!

So let's kick it off!

1. Baden Powell - Deixa

Baden Powell, (according to Wikipedia) is regarded as the greatest Brazilian guitarist of all time. ALL TIME. Do you know how many jazz guitarists come out of Brazil? How many meals have you had in your lifetime? That should illustrate the level of competition here. Deixa is a beautiful tapestry woven with bits of awesome and Latin heat. Listening to it repeatedly has been proven to make you more handsome.


2. Anamanaguchi - Jetpack Blues Sunset Hues

Anamanaguchi not only has an incredibly hard name to pronounce but a very hard sound to classify. Is it 8-bit nonsense? Instrumental radio power-pop? A man and his bassoon? It certainly isn't the latter as Anamanaguchi has recently exploded onto the scene with it's catchy beats and quirky songs. They are slated to do the music for the upcoming Scott Pilgrim movie adaptation so that should be a definite indication of their quirky awesomeness. Buying this album has been scientifically proven to get you into heaven.


3. Shad - Ya I Get It

Shad is a Canadian hip-hop artist. If you haven't gone to another website by now, thank you! He is a very unique rapper with a flow unlike most Canadian rappers (all I can think of is Drake). Regardless, his beats are fly like jumbo jets and his rhymes are smooth like the landing strip. Don't sleep on such a talented and unique artist!


4. Two Door Cinema Club - Undercover Martyn

Two Door Cinema Club is an Irish-born quartet of monks who sing holy hymns about different kinds of credenzas. JUST KIDDING! They're catchier than most airborne diseases and seamlessly blend electropop with just a dash of indie rock. They take the garbage played on the radio and transmorgify it into something danceable, catchy, and hard to resist. I'm listening to this song right now. And I will. Over and over. Help me.


5. Ernest Gonzales - While On Saturn's Rings

OH MY GOD. DO YOU WANT TO GO TO SATURN RIGHT NOW WITH ME? ERNEST GONZALES WILL COME ALONG AND BRING ALONG SOME OF HIS DOWNTEMPO/IDM/TRIP-HOP SOUND THAT IS UNIMITATEABLE. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS BUT THIS MUSIC IS LIKE GOING FOR A BIKE RIDE ON THE MOON WHILE WEARING THOSE HIPSTER SUNGLASSES, BUT IT'S OKAY BECAUSE YOU'RE WEARING THEM BEFORE THEY WERE COOL AND TRENDY. GAAAAH. BUY HIS ALBUMS.


And that's all folks! Remember, if you don't like my taste in music, you should get new tastebuds! Ha-ha! But seriously, I'll just hate you forever.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

The Shaking Up Of Things Continues On

Ugh, I am Deathy McSinus-pants. That is my name now. Also I dyed my hair cherry-soda because why not. It came out looking pretty cool too, so:



Hey. Guess what. You dunno? Well lean in. Closer. Clooooooser. C'mon, I just brushed my teeth and I'm pretty sure I'm not contagious anymore, so just get right up in here until your eyelashes brush against your screen. Are you there? Are they brushing? Can you smell my minty breath? Ok...

TUESDAY IS MY HUNDREDTH POST HOLY SWEET GHOST OF SAINT ANTHONY (THE PATRON SAINT OF BASKET-WEAVERS AND GRAVEDIGGERS. I KNOW, WEIRD, RIGHT? OH I'M STILL YELLING. OK I'LL STOP NOW)

Woo and such! Such things I have planned, so such things they will be (bwahaha and whatnot). So since one of those revered and mystical things I have planned is a Sean Connery film, instead of reviewing one tonight, you get to learn about the big ball of crazy I just watched: Velvet Goldmine.

I don't know what that guitar did to Ewan McGregor, but he is NOT happy about it.

So, if there's two things David Bowie taught us, it's that 1. Crazed, glittery, alien alter-ego glam rock works. and 2. Do not fuck with the spiders from Mars. Just don't. Velvet Goldmine takes number one and runs with it until it is sweaty, out of breath and crapping glitter. Originally, in the late nineties, Todd Haynes decided he wanted to make a glam-rock tribute movie mostly based on the life and times of David Bowie. The Bowie looked at the script, which was heavily influenced by unauthorized memoirs about his stardom and rumored sexcapades with Lou Reed and Iggy Pop, and said "Hell no. And don't use any of my songs or I will gut you with my pimp stick." What happened next, I imagine was sort of like this:

Director: Shit! Shit! Shit! David Bowie is not cool with the movie. We need to change some stuff around.

Writer: But dude, how? The name of the movie is one of his songs, for God's sake!

Director: Ok, ok let's think. Our glam-rock hero, Brian Slade, let's make his mullet-wig thing blue instead of red! And also his alien alter-ego will be Maxwell Demon, which is totally different from Ziggy Stardust!

Writer: Brilliant!

Director: Also let's toss in some random bits and pieces from Oscar Wilde, so we can be all aesthetic and pretentious!

Writer: Brilliant!

Director: And we'll imply that Wilde is an alien baby with a magical brooch of glam rock that will get passed from rocker to rocker during the film!

Writer: Bri-...wait, what?

Director: Also, let's make multiple references to Citizen Kane!

Writer: And you've lost me.


The movie literally opens with a fucking flying saucer dropping off little Oscar at the Wilde house in 1854 with his magical fucking brooch, which is referenced like eight million times, but never actually given any meaning. The story follows Christian Bale's character journalist Arthur Stuart, attempting to track down Brian Slade on the ten year anniversary of a not very well thought-out publicity stunt where he faked his own assassination onstage. The movie is framed in disjointed flashback as recalled by Brian's ex-manager, ex-wife, ex-lover and Bale's recollections of being a sexually confused glam rock fan as a "teen" (hey movie, making his cheeks red do not magically make him eight years younger).

Why, who's that homely young British girl-Oh my God it's Christian Bale! Now every time I watch Batman I'm gonna think of this!

Anyway, Arthur hits the road hunting down info on Brian Slade as we watch the rise and fall of a legend. And honestly, for all the praise this gets as an arty and awesome indie film, I found pretentious, boring, at time really stupid and...and...

I seem to have lost my train of thought for some reason

Ok yeah, Ewan and Jonathan are mad sexy and they do the make-outs. But that doesn't excuse this overtly ridiculous pile of eye-makeup and glitter! The biggest problem I have with the movie, even bigger than the Oscar Wilde alien bull or the "no no Maxwell Demon is totally not like Ziggy Stardust or anything" the ending is a massive cock-tease. Arthur thinks he's getting to the bottom of the Brian Slade mystery, making the sudden mental leap that Brian has reinvented himself as the mainstream music darling Tommy Stone. The issue? This is Jonathan "sexypants" Rhys Meyers:



and this is the guy who played Tommy Stone:



Yeah, I call bullshit on this one. Ok, so maybe he could have had some intensive-ass plastic surgery. But does the movie try to explain this? No. Does it give us any sort of logic as to how Brian Slade magically morphed into Craggy McNotBrianSlade? Of course not. Instead we get Ewan McGregor passing the magical brooch on to Christian Bale and the end credits.

(I am making this face right now, but the Nostalgia Critic makes this face so much better than I do)

Also Eddie Izzard does nothing at all in this movie. Zilch. All you get is the irony that the only real transvestite in the movie wears a suit the whole time. Also Ewan McGregor shows you his lightsaber if you catch my drift. Just saying. Two catapults for vague and pretentious rock star BS and an extra half a catapult for a really kick-ass soundtrack which is actually definitely worth checking out.

That's it for tonight, I'll see you tomorrow with whatever I can find to fill the gap before 100! This Sugary Cynic saying, "these two things are nothing at all alike"





Eddie Izzard: "That man sitting over there in the white suit... is the biggest thing to come out of this country since sliced Beatles."

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Bluh And Such

I caught some sinus-y thing from my brother (or possibly the Ebola keyboard) and am now feeling rather crappy. Not like death just yet, but perhaps death's stuffy nose. Something like that. Also I took medicine and you all know by now what a lightweight puss I am when it comes to allergy medication and otherwise so I am not responsible for anything I type. On that note, this post is dedicated to the weird little moments of life that no one ever seems to notice except me and my brother. For whatever reason we see and overhear these randomly hilarious things that no one else ever seems to notice.

For instance, over winter break my father had decided that some sort of familial bonding was in order, so we went to the zoo to do what all families do when they want to re-connect: look at massive wild animals doing it.

Yes, tortoises hump. And yes, the phrase "tortoise sex" is now in my search history.

Anyway, when wandering around the reptile house, we saw this munchkin running around with a camera that looked way too expensive to have been left in his sticky little hands. Suddenly, out of nowhere, by the alligator tank, we heard it.

"EVAN, BRING THE CAMERA!"

The kid toddled over to his father, who decided that shreiking was still very much necessary.

"EVAN! LOOK AT IT'S MOUTH, EVAN! IT'S HUGE, EVAN! EEEEEEEVAAAAAN!!"

And even though they followed us for a good twenty minutes after, all the while the dad screeching his excitement to his son, no one seemed to notice but my brother and I. Which of course led to things like this:

"EVAAAAAAN! LOOK AT IT!! IT TOOK YOUR MOTHER, EVAN! EVAN, WREAK VENGEANCE IN MY NAME, EVAN! IT'S THE ULTIMATE TEST OF YOUR LOVE! EVAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!!111!!!!1"

ps. I have no idea who the dude in the picture is, but man does he ever love buffalo.

I feel like Shitty McShitterton the Shit so I'm gonna go to bed now. Also, I was cleaning up my My Documents folder cuz it was filled with random crap, and I found these old pictures I thought had gotten deleted of me meeting of all that is good and B-movie in this world, Bruce Campbell. So just for the hell of it, here are some pictures from when I met Bruce Campbell last summer. He is a groovy dude in person and incredibly nice, but he was not cool with this one girl asking if she could lick his boomstick (can't really fault him for that one). Also, he admired my stylish fedora.





Bleh, need more tissues (nearly at 100 posts!) this is Sugary Cynic saying "Blaaaachooo! EVAAAAAAN!!" 'Night!

Me: "So can you sign this for my brother? He's your biggest fan who still maintains a basic level of hygiene, also he won't stop singing that song from your movie (My Name is Bruce) about Quan-Di,"

Bruce: (shrugs charmingly) "Well, Quan-Di is his name (this is a line from the song)"

Me: "Yeah, I've heard...

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