Thursday, April 29, 2010

Hooray For The Amazing Benadryl Post!

No, it's not sponsored by Benadyrl, if I ever sold out in such a manner it would be something awesome, like fire-breathing toads.


In case the above nonsense didn't clue you in, I'm on the Benadryl and thus a bit loopy. Also it took me like five tries to spell "nonsense" correctly so that should give you some insight to my current mental state. Why am I on the Benadryl? you might ask, you nosy bastard you, it's because my left eyelid is swollen, causing me to bear a remarkable resemblance to Rufus Sewell, at least in the eye department.

Who, I would like to add, is still extremely hot. Also you should watch him in Dark City because it is one of the best sci-fi noirs ever. Even Kiefer Sutherland can't ruin it (and he does try)...what were we talking about?

Oh yeah, eyeballs. Anyway, my eye has been hurting for the past few days like somebody punched it and then I noticed the swelling on the lid. Weird. I had no recollection of anyone hitting me in the eye so I figured it had to be either I had some kind of infection or I was Tyler Durden.

And honestly, I'd be pretty ok with that.

So I went to the clinic to get it checked out, and after answering a battery of unrelated sex questions: "How many people have you slept with in the next six months? When did you first get your period? Why do fools fall in love? etc." The doctor lady checked my eyeballs and assured they were fine and that I probably didn't have the pink-eye. Which is good, because pink-eye sucks. So she told me to get some benadryl for the swelling and now here I stand...or sit. Because typing while standing sounds hard. Hang on (stands up)...Actually, it's not really all that bad. But I digress (sits back down).

Not much to put here today, I finished one paper so that just leaves Shakespeare and Stats since my French teacher decided to give us an imaginary final (I am serious). So, I was watching I Am Legend up until a few minutes ago with the roomies but for some reason I can't handle it right now and was freaking out very quietly during this bit with his dog. I won't ruin it but ever since my cat Lily died a few years ago, anything bad with animals in movies makes me think of her. It's really weird. And the stuff in the movie alone is enough to mess with you if you're in a vulnerable mood. I'll finish it eventually, I kind of need to.

What else? Oh yes, just the ROCK-AVATOR!! During final exams, 23 hour quiet hours are instituted in the dorms, with 7pm-8pm serving as power hour, when we are allowed to do whatever the fuck we want as loud as we want short of setting each other on fire (not that that stops us). So this year, thanks to intern Jeff's massive battery packs o' DOOM and a lot of heavy lifting, we moved the x-box and Rock Band into the elevator of our building and became a mobile unit of ROCK. It was kick-ass, we took on bewildered passengers, played Livin' On A Prayer and surprisingly did not get trouble...which is partly because we weren't caught. :D The lovely Brenda snapped a photo of me, Javi, Val and Jeff, except Jeff and Val were distracted because the video camera Jeff had mounted on the wall had fallen off and hit Val on the head:

Pictured above: ROCK

Unfortunately, you can't see our setup but we will most likely be pushing our luck and doing it again tomorrow, because the Gods of Rock demand nothing less!

Imma go sleep now. I wanted to talk about Roger Ebert and the whole "Unnecessary Death At A Funeral Remake getting more stars than Kick-Ass" dealie, but I need to be less...drugged. So g'night everyone, this is Sugary Cynic saying "pickles!"

"We need a sign for the elevator, 'please press all the buttons on your way out, it's hot in here'"-Val, on proper elevator passenger etiquette during Elevator Rock Band

I Am Late To The "Why I Love Movies" Party

But based on the pages of my blogging buddies (heh, now I'm picturing a kid's cartoon called "Blogging Buddies!" they write about hip music and things and try to stamp out cyber-bullying!) I have discerned that I am supposed to say why I love movies in twenty words. Here goes:

Movies allow us to share and connect with truly universal themes...and also to see Christian Bale without a shirt.


Not much to say tonight, still papering, and all the more miserable for it. Ugh. Also now all I can think about is "Blogging Buddies!" and how I want it to be an 80's cartoon.

Bobby: "Hey, gang, great job adding wacky captions to those pictures of house cats!"

Laura: "Oh no! It looks like the mayor's going to pollute the city lake! What do we do?"

Alex: "We'll tell everyone and expose him! ...Through blogging!"

Everyone: "Yeah!"

(Group high-five!)


...I should probably get back to work. BUT, it's 1:30 in the morning and I'm desperate for comedy, so it's time once again for some wacky webcam fun! Only this time, without the aid of my heavenly vocal chords, so that youtube can't screw my audio up!

Friggin' Slinky (and seriously, what's with the gambling paraphernalia?)

Ok, I need to get back to work so blah-blah-blah-snark-snark-movies-dudes-awesomeness-swearing-sarcasm-picture-of-a-kitten. Blog-lite. :D Now for some failed fictional Victorian marriages! Night

(As I stood in the "cleaning supply" area for the "ditch your stuff for charity")

Me: "I'm a cleaning supply!"

Zeke: "Because you're so abrasive?"

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

My French Professor Stabbed Me With A Lightsaber, And Other Semester's End Thoughts

And I don't even find it weird. That's Honors College conditioning for ya. Three years ago if you had told me I'd be not only witnessing but participating in outdoor pillow fights, lightsaber duels, lobby dance parties, talent show improv, spontaneous dress-up and other random acts of nerd, I would have looked at you like you had some kind of horrifying facial growth

You know, like this one!

But now I'm a junior and usually the one who gets the weird looks. But more to the point, like the point of the lightsaber that my French professor stabbed me with. My friend Amanda, who is gradumacating, happens to be the proud owner of one of those really fancy-ass lightsabers that are all shiny and sound-effecty and as this was our last day of official class, she brought it in to show our professor, who is nearly as delightful dorky as her students. She started waving it around and got all excited, and then timidly asked:

"Can I stab you with this?"

And before I could say "Let the hate flow through you" I was facing the business end of a lighstaber.

But it's ok, because then we had cake and she made everyone necklaces that double as blunt weapons (why yes, she is the coolest professor in all the land). Then I dozed my way through my last Stats class, which I have given up putting any more mental effort into. I'm basically going to walk into the final and hope that all those times balancing the textbook on my head made me learn Stats through osmosis. After that, Shakespeare did not happen, because there wasn't a point in having our last class because we finished reading The Tempest and just have papers to work on. However, Rachel, a girl so wondrously demented I forget she's a freshman, went through Tempest and replaced every big, free-standing "O" with "vagina" because "O" pretty much means "vagina" to begin with. Here are the ones I remember:

"Vagina, 'tis monstrous! Monstrous!"

"Vagina, touch me not!"

And the crowd favorite:

"Vagina, forgive me my sins!!"

Oh(Vagina) but I am classy.

Even though there was no class, I still went to see the professor in his office for help with the final paper. We chatted and he talked about how I've gone from weenie freshman to fairly competent junior and I got a weird intellectual version of the "you're becoming a flowering young woman" speech...which was awkward, yet complimentary to my brain cells and word-spewing skills.


Just try and look at that without going "awww!" did you? Stop lying!

The school did this thing they do during finals called "pet-a-pup" where they bring in these therapy dogs (because they've been trained to deal with the horrors of many, many, many grasping hands) and let us pet the crap out of them as a way of dealing with finals stress. It was lovely, there was a surprisingly large bichon frise named Sunny, a fluffy...thing named Krissy who looked more like a tiny throw rug than a dog, and a HUGE boxer named Katy that was convinced she was a lap dog.

"Oh sweet merciful heavens! Run you fools, it's love from above!!"

Good times.

AND THEN, I had my last British novel class, where we pretended to accomplish things and continued to accidentally say "Tess killed the peasants" as opposed to "Tess killed the pheasants" the difference being a gentle farm girl mercifully ending the suffering of a bunch of game pheasants some hunters shot but didn't kill, rather than a gentle farm girl not so mercifully ending the lives of random peasants. Literature humor. Indeed.

AND FINALLY, it was time for Night Breakfast! Which is like breakfast...but at NIGHT! (gasp! *sounds of ladies-in-waiting fainting*). They had a band playing and also covered the tables in paper and left out crayons so I doodled all over them and then there was a raffle but I won nothing :( but there was this brilliant moment when the next item up for grabs was a Glee CD >.< oy. I was all like "lame" but then Providence sought for things to be otherwise and the raffle winner of it was Drunk Lenny, who stumbled up confusedly to take the CD, resulting in the penultimate moment of wonderful as a horde of Glee fans got to watch the collegiate, male equivalent of Courtney Love wander off with the CD. Delightful.

And now here I am, blogging the end of my semester away, suffering through papers and dreaming of summer, which unfortunately means dreaming of it being so damn hot that ice cream melts while still in the freezer. Wheee.

Now is the time of sleeping so tomorrow shall be the time of papering. Expect posts filled with desperation, anger and possibly even some more last minute theater. This is Sugary Cynic saying "Vagina brave new world, that has such people in it!" (ok, it doesn't work for all of them). Night!

Our Housing Director, a very bitter man: "I'm only going to read each ticket once and go 1, 2, 3 because I have reached the age where every minute I wait is another minute closer to my death"

Monday, April 26, 2010

Music Monday/Ten Movie Facts About Me

Hello and happy (or the nearest available emotion) Monday to you. It is rainy and gross out and I had to drive my tiny car through Rainpacolypse to get back to school. Because nothing motivates me to return to school and take on finals like a monsoon of death. Wheee. Anyways, The Unwashed Mass over at the always entertaining The Intermittent Sprocket has tasked me with continuing the ten movie facts meme and thusly nominating two other bloggers to keep the flame alive! ...except the only movie blogs I follow at the moment are his, Four Of Them and The Kid In the Front Row, and they all already did it, so...I nominamate Brenda of One Thousand Words Home, even though it's not a movie blog she seen a billion movies so nyah, and, I have no blog friends, or at least none that I am familiar enough with to force a meme on. :(

All together now: D'aaaaaaaaawwwwwwww!!!!

Well, anyway, here are ten movie-related facts about me!

1. I hate musicals with a deep, burning passion. Especially Rent. Out of all the musicals in the world the only ones I like are Chicago, Moulin Rouge and The Producers. Also occasionally Phantom of the Opera but that's really just me wanting to see Gerard Butler in period costume.

2. I have a disturbed affinity for great bad movies. Not painfully dull or unwatchably bad, but cheesy, over the top, and (weirdly enough) generally from the late 80's-early 90's, such as Super Mario Bros, Empire Records, Big Trouble In Little China, etc.

3. I am a massive James Bond fanatic and can not only list all the Bonds from memory (Sean Connery, Roger Moore, Timothy Dalton, George Lazenby, Pierce Brosnan and Daniel Craig) but also nearly all the movies (this is off the top of my head so I'll miss a few, also not in order): Thunderball, Dr. No, You Only Live Twice, Diamonds Are Forever, The Spy Who Loved Me, From Russia With Love, A View To A Kill, Never Say Never Again, Moonraker, Licence to Kill, The Living Daylights, On Her Majesty's Secret Service, For Your Eyes Only, Octopussy, Goldfinger, Goldeneye, Tomorrow Never Dies, The World is Not Enough, Die Another Day, Casino Royale, Quantum of Solace...whew!

(damn, I went an looked them up, I missed Live and Let Die!)

4. I am really not a fan of Orson Welles, but the one movie with him that I like, The Third Man, I freaking LOVE. The last scene with him in the sewers is epically awesome.

5. If someone hates a movie that I love, ie Blues Brothers, The Princess Bride, Indiana Jones, etc., I totally judge them for it. I'm like a movie snob without the obscure sort of elitism.

6. Continuing on that thought, it still blows my mind how many people at my college haven't seen films that I always thought were instrumental to proper growth: Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Star Wars, The Goonies, Indy or even friggin GHOSTBUSTERS! Did your parents not love you?!

7. Movies that made/make me cry: Up (the montage), The Green Mile (the whole entire movie), The Lion King (it should be obvious), The Last Samurai (ok, I know that one's weird, but near the end, when Katsumodo sees the perfect blossom, I just...don't judge meeeee)

8. Movies are the only thing I can really pay attention to for an extended amount of time (except for books, I guess). I lose interest in things incredibly fast (I keep stopping while writing this to browse the web for ten minutes) and get antsy watching sports or other stuff but I have no trouble parking myself in front of a movie for 2+ hours. Go figure.

9. As much as I hate ass-butts who text or talk loud at movie theaters, I actually like a crowded theater when I see a movie. I feel like it adds to the experience somehow when you're in a huge group reacting to what's on screen. A good crowd can make horror movies scarier and comedies funnier. And opening night at something like Harry Potter (or Pirates back when that was in theaters) with die-hard fans is usually awesome/hilarious. (Except Twilight, you couldn't pay me to see that, period, let alone with a crowd of fans *shudder*).

10. When watching movies at home, me and my brother are incredibly irritating to be around, we can't keep from making silly comments and jokes, especially if it's a movie we've seen more than once. We are basically Mystery Science Theater 3000: Home Edition.

And that is that.

Seriously though, go watch this movie, it is awesome personified

Ok, on to Music Monday! It's hard for me to pick a favorite band, I tend to find one, obsess over it for a few months and move on, but if I had to pick one (emphasis on "band", in terms of solo artists, my heart belongs to Stevie Ray Vaughn forever) it would be The Clash.

Front-running fathers of punk! And also zippers, apparently...

I've loved them since before I could figure out what Rock The Casbah was about and will continue to love them long after I've sunk into senility and forgotten what Rock The Casbah was about. So today I thought I'd share my top five favorite Clash songs. Emphasis on MY. It's not a best of or whatever so don't be all gripe-y and "dude, how could not have London Calling?! You suck!" or "oh my god that's all their mainstream crap, you're a lousy fan!" It's just the Clash songs that personally, I find the most awesome:

1. Train In Vain/Stand By Me. Besides being the only Clash song I can get a good score singing on Rock Band, this is one of their more mellow songs and I really love it. It chronicles a guy (possibly actually the singer, I don't remember) and the girl that couldn't wait for him and ditched his ass. Also the lyrics are just wonderful "so alone I keep the wolves at bay"

2. The Magnificent Seven. A comment on our psychotic consumer culture that still holds pretty true for today. That and anyone who learns all the words deserves a badge of honor...for having no life (I am one of these people)

3. Rudie Can't Fail. Synopsis: Oh you poor Rude Boy, you can never catch a break! What's a Rude Boy? A near-extinct breed of Ska soldier:

The freeze-frame jump is optional, the suit and fedora are not.

Anyway, Rudie Can't Fail is The Clash's ode to the Rude Boy and is probably my favorite song by them ever in the history of ever:

4. Lost In the Supermarket. Also an anti-consumerism song, but more melancholy and reserved where Magnificent Seven is mocking and snarky. I still can't get over how awesomely depressing this song is if you give it thought: "I wasn't born, so much as I fell out, nobody seemed to notice me"

5. Death or Glory. It was a toss up between this one and Complete Control, but the lyrics in Death or Glory are genius: "Now every cheap hood strikes a bargain with the world/And ends up making payments on a sofa or a girl" or my absolute favorite: "And every gimmick hungry yob digging gold from rock 'n' roll/Grabs the mike to tell us he'll die before he's sold/But I believe in this-and it's been tested by research/He who fucks nuns will later join the church" it's basically a song about having crazy dreams of stardom and settling for a mediocre life instead.

Do you have any idea how frustrating it is to miss a band that stopped existing before you existed? It's a musical mindfuck! I'll leave you to ponder that one, I gots me some laundry to do (and teach skateboard tricks to) See ya tomorrow!

"What I like about playing America is you can be pretty sure you're not going to get hit with a full can of beer when you're singing and I really enjoy that!" -Joe Strummer of The Clash

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Sean Connery Movie Sunday/My Blog Rebels At Stagnation

Went and saw Kick-Ass again with the brother, just as awesome the second time around, and he liked it too, except he claims there wasn't enough action, which is partly because he's become so spoiled by Chinese and Korean action movies that spend roughly two minutes on plot exposition and the other eighty-eight on straight up kicking ass that he can watch Die Hard and feel like it's too talky.

Yeah, it's ok, I guess. But it'd be better if he was also kicking a guy...with a shoe-knife...while on fire

Anyway, today's Sean Connery movie was going to be The Presidio, a fairly straight-forward cop movie with corruption and 80'sness and pre-NCIS Mark Harmon. But I am quite frankly burned the fuck out on Sean Connery thanks to the festering pile of crazy that is Highlander 1 and 2, and honestly, the whole reason I wanted to even mention the movie is because of one scene, where some punk hassles Sean Connery's character at a bar and Connery threatens to beat the shit out of him, wait for it, using only his right thumb, "because the left one's much too powerful for you"

"Shit! the thumbs are out! Retreat! Save yourselves!!!"

And he does it! He totally does it and it's awesome and then the movie returns to being a bland crime thriller. Unfortunately, I cannot find this damn scene anywhere online and I don't actually own the movie. (Imagine me making a sad face at this point in time). So, in the nature of crack ingenuity (laziness) and complete lack of shame or any capacity to feel embarrassment, I present to you a recreation of said scene, with stuffed animal puppets in place of actors, and sheer ridiculousness in the place of dignity! Enjoy (edit: aaarrrgggh, I don't know why but the audio is off, it's not off on when I play it out of windows media normally but through youtube it's all retarded for some reason, if anyone can hazard a guess as to why, let me know)

Just hope you've seen the last of that! Also, this may not be the best time, right after showing a video of me making an idiot of myself for fun in a video with audio I can't fix but, hey, let's live in the moment! My fan page has stalled out 71 fans, mostly friends who hope I'll stop annoying them. Well now even if you don't know me, you too can have me stop annoying you and join the fan page! Also, in reference to my clever reference to Sherlock Holmes in my title, my blog feels stagnant and this will not do! So, suggest things! I am perfectly capable of coming up with deranged topics on my own but what do YOU weirdos want to read about? Go for it, as you saw, I am above nothing. :D

On that note, time for sleep (by which I mean time to create a host of videos of me recreating scenes from various Sean Connery movies with the aid of toys) Night!

Lt. Col. Alan Caldwell (that would be Sean Connery): "Ah, shit on a stick!"

Meat Pies For Everyone!

No I'm not talking about Sweeney What's-his-face, I am in fact referring to the original (as far as I know) fictional purveyor of the questionable meat pie, Titus Andronicus! No, we didn't read it for Shakespeare, and with good reason as it is widely renown as his worst play, many people even believe he didn't even write it, that it was falsely attributed to him. It's a crazed gore-fest full of dismemberment, rape, cannibalism, insanity, twig-hands and asshole villains who are way more charming than they should be. And that's just the play, the movie is working at least twelve other kinds of crazy. In the bygone year of 1999, released among such awesome movies as The Matrix, The Mummy, The Sixth Sense and Tarzan, was Titus, the pseudo-modern retro-anachronistic (I know) story of a man, his emperor and crap ton of dead bodies, starring Anthony Hopkins as the titular character.

The story is incredibly interwoven and complicated, but basically, Titus pisses off the queen of the Goths, who he captured after defeating them. He kills her eldest son and she vows vengeance in the form of marrying the ass-butt emperor and murdering Titus's sons and also having her sons mutilate and rape his daughter. Titus retaliates by killing her sons and making pies out of them. Also there's this dude named Aaron who is like Iago on steroids in terms of charisma and general assholery.

Seriously, just look at this bastard! He could strange a puppy on-screen right in front of you and STILL be your favorite character!

So why did I watch it? Well, my brother stumbled across it online, and having heard it was the height of late-nineties indulgently ridiculous crap, and well, we like bad movies and have a sense of curiosity that has ended up with us watching some really great, and really awful movies. So we watched it. And it was horrifying and now I have no idea which class this belongs to, so, rudimentary categorizing it is!

The Good

1. Ummm....everybody gets what's coming to them? (except you know, Titus's daughter, she just gets screwed over and twigs for hands)

2. The acting is hilariously over the top, especially Anthony Hopkins.

3. I got nothin

The Bad

1. We get to see Alan Cumming's ass and then some >.<

2. The background is completely insane and nonsensical, it's Rome, but it's also the Jazz Age, and there are carriages and also cars and microphones and suits that are also togas

3. The acting is often irritatingly over the top, especially Anthony Hopkins

4. The whole rape and mutilation and people pies


1. The film opens with a kid with a paper bag on his face playing with soldiers in a modern day setting. Suddenly there's an explosion and he's magically transported to Titus Andronicus land! He kind of just hangs around after that and only more than halfway through the damn movie does he say anything. But everyone acts like his presence is normal and no mention is made of the beginning of the movie. At all.

2. Random sequences of people morphing into tigers

3. When Titus hosts his evil dinner party and serves the Goth queen's sons, he does so dressed like this:

Hannibal Lecter was nowhere near this wacky when it came to cannibalism!

Basically, if Shakespeare dropped acid and watched every slasher movie he could find, Titus Andronicus would be the result. It is freaky as hell and the kind of violent that makes you squirm in your seat. I honestly don't know how to rate this one, but nothing could fix Shakespeare or Anthony Hopkins for me and make them un-terrifying...except maybe:

Yup, that did the trick! This is Sugary Cynic saying "No pot pie for me please." Night!

(Upon finding out that Aaron, aka Uber-Iago, impregnated their mother)
Chiron: "Thou hast undone our mother!"

Aaron: Villain, I have done thy mother!"

That's a stone cold pimp right there.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Kick-Ass Review and Highlander Double Feature Part 2

Holy shit Kick-Ass was so wonderful that I lack the necessary descriptive terms, so I shall tweak the one I used to describe the wretchedness of the Chronicles of Narnia "experience": Fuckshittastically AWESOME! There were jetpacks with guns! And McLovin quoting Jack Nicholson's Joker! And a bitchin' soundtrack! And hyper-intense violence done by an eleven year old! And Nic freakin Cage dressed as pseudo-Batman beating the shit out of mobsters!EEEEEEE(Stops and has a lie-down) ok, ok I'm calm. But seriously, this movie is so much fun. The humor is dark and sometimes delightfully messed up, such as the mafia boss bad dude asking his son if he wants a Pepsi when they go to the movies while one of his goons is screaming from torture in the background, or when Hit Girl promises to take two more bullets to the chest for her super-hero training only if her dad takes her out for bowling and ice cream afterwards.

I am totally ok with this method of parenting if it leads to action scenes of said child murdering gangsters to upbeat pop music

But for a movie called Kick-Ass, the story seems way more interested in Hit Girl and Big Daddy's story of revenge and child brainwash, which is totally cool because Chloe Moretz steals the movie, she is unbelievably entertaining and I can't wait to see her in more movies. Not to say that Aaron Johnson was bad as the titular hero, but it's just such a strong ensemble cast, from Mark Strong continuing his streak as resident evil-doer and McLovin as his evilish-doer son, to the team of Big Daddy and Hit Girl that Kick-Ass almost gets lost in the shuffle. I mean, he's the title of the movie, make him do more stuff! Anyway, it's a minor quibble in what is a seriously awesome movie that gives Nic Cage some dignity back...

Which in a few months will have turned out to be a total cock-tease and he'll be doing stuff like this again

As to the controversy over a tween saying the "c-word" BULLSHIT. Kids swear, deal with it, get over it, move for a tween murdering a room full of dudes in cold blood, well that's why the movie's rated R! Parents, take note, R means violence, blood gore, swearing, varying degrees of nudity and more violence and swearing, NOT rainbows, puppies, sunshine, kindness and the importance of being yourself. Worried about how your eleven year old will handle Hit Girl? DON'T TAKE THEM TO SEE IT, YOU GINORMOUS ASS-HAT. Ok, rant over, soapbox disassembled and four and half catapults out of five for a totally kick-ass movie experience (yes I just made that pun)

What should I do now? Oh that's right, THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE thing for me to discuss, part two of the balls-out crazy that is Highlander. In retrospect, I'm glad I ended up separating one and two, because Highlander 2 is so unbelievably weird and nonsensical that it deserves it's own post. With that in mind:

Don't be sad Connor, Ramirez lives your breastplate. Also there's a little dude with a sword there too. I know you're busy looking up dramatically but you should pay more attention to what's going on down there

"But wait, Sugary Cynic," you might say, which is weird because I can't hear you through the computer, "didn't Ramirez get decapimatated by Mr. Krabs in the first movie? Why the hell is he on the cover of this one?" To which I would answer, watch your mouth when you talk to me! And also that there is so much random whatnot in this movie that Sean Connery's miraculous return to the cast can not be immediately addressed. Read on and guard your sanity...and also your loins, because you can never be too careful.

So, remember everything we learned about Connor, Immortals and all the various ins and outs of there being only one? Well, just toss that useless crap out the window! Because that's exactly what they did here. The movie opens in the bleak and dismal future of 2024. Due to a hole in the ozone layer, in the early nineties the air became toxic, or something equally stupid, so our Highlander hero Connor helps some scientists build a big shield to protect the earth...because he is so totally qualified for that job. We join Connor as a decrepit old man watching future-opera and reminiscing about how he and Ramirez used to be such awesome buddies as rebels on the planet Zeist.

Hey, remember in the first movie when Connor was a Scottish Highlander in the 16th century and Ramirez was a crazy old bastard of questionable ethnicity and they had just met each other and were Immortal and no one really knew why? Well that's CRAP. In Highlander: The Quickening, they're aliens from the planet Zeist who tried to overthrow the evil ruler Katana, played by Michael Ironside in desperate need of a paycheck. They fail to kill Katana but they do "quicken" except instead of meaning "that weird thing Immortal dudes do after they kill another Immortal that is suspiciously like an orgasm" it's now a catch-all term that means, well whatever the hell they want it to. In this case it means "blue sparks and crap will envelop Christopher Lambert and Sean Connery as they make noises that make you feel uncomfortable." Anywhoo, the two are banished to earth, where apparently everyone from Zeist becomes immortal (except for the headchoppy thing) and the events of the first movie play out. ALIENS?!! Ok, this is an early sign to switch the logic button off, and possibly just shut your whole brain off and toss it out a window.

So Connor dodders out of theater and some unappreciative punks assault him and are all "you made the sky all crappy and orange-y all the time!" taking up time until we see on Zeist that Katana is not cool with the thought of Connor dying of natural old age and returning to Zeist, because apparently that's what happens when you die as the "there can be only one." (lalalalalala ignoring how painfully stupid this is, lalalala). So Katana sends down two bird people with tubes for hair to kill him. I wish I was making this up.

Meanwhile, it turns out that since humans stopped fucking with it for twenty-five years, the ozone layer is fine and this scientist lady named Louise, played by Virginia Madsen, tries to turn the shield off but is foiled by the movie's other villain, David Blake, who is in charge of the shield and extorts people for their safety and is played by John C. McGinley aka Dr. Cox. Yeah.

I bet he totally let JD get killed by the solar radiation

So, Louise happens to run into Connor just as he is attacked by the bird-people and kills the crap out of them, resulting in another "quickening" where he explodes a city block for no real reason, is magically young again and proceeds to have wild in-public sex with Louise. In the street. After meeting him five seconds ago and watching him blow things up with a big blue orgasm. Cuz why not. Oh and I haven't even mentioned the part that's really ridiculous: while Connor is de-aging and being all explode-y, he screams Ramirez back to life.

I will give you a moment for that to sink in.

He literally shrieks "RAMIREEEEEEEEZZ!!" and like some kind of deranged Disney film, Ramirez pops back into existence in the middle of a Shakespeare play. I'm smothering my confused rage and moving on. Actually, to be honest, Ramirez is the best part of the movie, and I'm not just saying that as a Sean Connery fanatic. Before he meets up with Connor he screws around, enjoying the future and the movie forgets it was trying to make some kind of epic future-sci-fi drama...thing, and instead opts for Ramirez's Day Off, which leads to things like this:

But then Katana decides that if you want to kill an Immortal to satisfy a plot point that made no damn sense to begin with, you gotta do it yourself and he heads to earth and...proceeds to do the same thing as Ramirez, screw off and drive subways, scare cab drivers and generally just enjoy himself. I kind of wish they'd kept this tone for the rest of the movie and had the climax be Ramirez getting Connor home before the principal realizes he skipped school after Katana crashes his dad's Ferrari.

Long story short, Katana partners up with Dr. Cox, Connor and Ramirez and Louise go to destroy the shield and stop the bad guys, randomness ensues, Connor and Ramirez are shot multiple times for laughs, and when they are trapped in a room with an ever-lowering Fan of Death, Ramirez sacrifices himself to save Connor and Louise by stopping the blades with quickening-*magic* just long enough for them to escape while Amazing Grace on the bagpipes is played in the background.

And it's not over yet! Katana gets tired of Dr. Cox's bullshit and, wait for it, grabs him by the balls and tosses him out a window. Dr. Cox gets ball-ed to death. There's one sentence I never foresaw myself writing. So in the end, Connor and Katana duel, Connor anti-climatically lops the bastard's head off and he uses his magical fucking quickening powers to destroy the shield. The movie ends as Louise looks at the stars for the first time, indicating that she is less than twenty-five years old, which makes Connor about, oh, five hundred-odd years too old for her. The End.

This movie takes Highlander, a sub-par, though entertaining action film, removes all coherency and tosses as much illegal narcotics as it can get its grubby little hands on. This movie makes no sense whatsoever and is at its best unequivocally hilarious and at its worst, completely freaking stupid. Forget suspending your disbelief, you have to expel your disbelief and then take it out back and shoot it. Highlander 2: The WTFening, earns a big fat zero catapults out of five. I love ya Connery, but if I have to see another damn quickening again...

God Dammit.

So, I'm gonna go see about this remake thingy they're planning, maybe I can find a distributor for Highlander's Day Off after all. Night!

Louis: "Okay, now let me just see if I can get this straight. You come from another planet, and you're mortal there, but you're immortal here until you kill all the guys from there who have come here...and then you're mortal here...unless you go back there, or some more guys from there came here, in which case you become immortal here...again."

Conner: "Something like that."

Friday, April 23, 2010

Raise Your Hand If You Saw This Coming

Ok, so I had a date with a certain gentleman companion tonight, and we went and saw Kick-Ass (and holy crap was it ever awesome) and I have a headache and I'm all exhaustion loopy so really there were two choices: write a quick and shitty post for Highlander 2, or wait til tomorrow and make it the hilariously ridiculous post I want it to be, plus a review of Kick-Ass. I'm going with option two because I can barely keep my eyes open. So yeah, you know the drill. Also this:

Yep. Sugary Cynicism, the blog that goes there.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Highlander Double Feature: (Sort of)

And I'm back! Again. If that makes no sense and you are just joining us (us being me, the dragon plushie and the ghost of the student who died here years ago after eating mac and cheese that had been in the fridge since two semesters ago), then go read the post below this one. Because I said so, that's why. Don't you backsass me, you little punk! That is it! Go straight to your room and think about what you did! ...Oh God, I've become my mother.


Anyway, today, to make up for there not being a Sean Connery movie last Sunday, as well as my generally spastic posting, tonight is magical double feature full of...magic. And decapitations and also kilts. If that's not the recipe for a good time, well then I don't know what is. In case you didn't read the title post, the one before this one or are just stupid, I will be taking you on a magical journey through the only Highlander to have that which is Connery, Highlander's 1 and 2 (yes they made more than that, I know, it's sick).

So, let's get this crazy train rolling!

"Oh man, this sword feels SO GOOD!"

So the story begins with Connery doing the opening voice-over about Highlanders,that they're immortal except unless you cut their heads off, for whatever reason and also that THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE. Why can there be only one? Who knows, who cares? Sean Connery's talking! So the movie goes back and forth between 1985 New York and vague 16th century Scotland, showing us the story of Connor Macleod, played by Christopher Lambert, who will always be Raiden to me.

Dude, why are you bothering with the sword, just use your God of Lightning powers! (Or, alternatively, your terrifyingly huge forehead)

Anyway, the whole dealie begins when we see our hero behead a dude with a sword after a boxing match in New York. Just cuz. I mean, we eventually learn that all these Immortals dudes are apparently under some kind of obligation to attempt to behead the crap out of each other whenever they meet because THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE and also they get power when they do it, which leads to creepy pseudo-orgasm scenes where they undergo this power surge called a "quickening." Whatever you say, movie, I don't judge. So yeah, the police are less knowledgeable about this Highlander thing and are on the hunt for our hero, Stabby MacDecapitate, and we go in back in time to kilt-era Scotland to learn more about him.

Back to when he lived a simple life as Connor MacLeod, leader of clan Forehead (I mean, damn just look at it!)

Anyway, there's a battle or something and Connor takes a swift stab to the chest by this hulking man beast named Kruger and it looks like he's headed for the big haggis bar in the sky when...he's fine. Like most sensible medieval villagers they blame the devil and run his ass out of town! Meanwhile, in 1985, Connor becomes pals with a lady cop named Brenda (Roxanne Hart), who wants to turn Connor from main suspect to main squeeze (ok, that was fifty times less cheesy in my head). Back in ancient Scotland, it's a few years later and Connor is chilling in the middle of nowhere with his wife when Connery shows up looking like a big gay musketeer and somehow knows that Connor is a magical voodoo-dude. He introduces himself as, I shit you not, Juan Sanchez Villa-Lobos Ramirez. WAHT. When Connor reasonably points out that Ramirez sure doesn't look Spanish, he explains that he's actually Egyptian.

Pictured above: An Egyptian.

Instead of decapitating Connor, Ramirez teaches him about being Immortal and quickening and all that crap, but faced with the question of "Well gee, Ramirez, why am I randomly an Immortal Highlander dude?" we get the bullshit answer of "Just cause. Dude, I dunno" I'm making my disapproval face right now. So Ramirez and Connor become buddies in the past while Brenda and Connor become bed-buddies in the present. Everything's coming up roses when suddenly that freaky behemoth who stabbed Connor comes back for more, both in the past and the present! Oh I forgot to mention before, he's played by Clancy Brown. So anyway-...waittaminute!

That Clancy Brown?! but...but...

O.o ...well, guess I can never watch Spongebob again.

So Kurgen, as his name is now for some reason instead of Kruger, kills the crap out of Ramirez, but not before getting a handy-dandy neck-hole (ewww!), and vows to kill Connor too, but doesn't. For some reason. Whatever. In the magical world of 1985, he hunts down Connor and explains that they are the last Immortals running around, so he's gonna kidnap Brenda and decapitate Connor, because this movie seriously needs to be over at this point. They have a big climatic fight on a roof, Connor beheads the shit out of Kurgen and then everyone involved in the movie took about thirty acid tabs and made the weirdest scene ever as Connor has some kind of "super quickening" which involves badly animated demon skeleton mabobbers and repeated shots of his eyeballs. Yeah. So now Connor is the only one and he and Brenda can live happily ever after. Except not, cause they made more.

This movie makes no damn sense, they make up arbitrary rules and don't bother to explain them, they say these Immortal dudes have to run around slicing each other's heads off but Ramirez picks Connor for some reason and becomes his Obi-wan. Also Kurgen hates Connor for no real reason either. No one is motivated by logic in this ridiculous freaking movie! And quickenings freak me the hell out! Still, the action is solid and it's really damn funny because it's really damn dated. One and a half catapults for being the WAHT of the movie world.

Unfortunately, despite whatever that broken-ass clock says at the bottom of the post, it's after 3am, I'm tired and I'm going to bed. You got two posts in one day and tomorrow we will finish our journey through WTF-land with Highlander 2: The Quickening. Yes, that's what they called it.

"You over-dressed haggis!" -Connor to Ramirez

Super Post of Infinite Wonder and Desire (And Slight Exaggeration)

Hello people of earth and aliens with wifi, it is a humid and disgusting Wednesday afternoon in the sunny land of God's Waiting Room! Why am I so irritatingly chipper? Because it's almost summer time, you damn fool! Summer means no more contemplating the meaning of Tragic Modernism, no figuring out how to pronounce Chai-Squared Test, let alone learning how to do it! It means reading books (gasp) for pleasure, working at a museum for no pay (yeah) and most importantly: THE SUMMER MOVIE SEASON. And all I have to do is get through finals >.< and also cram my entire collegiate life into a vehicle so small that I doubt there will be room for me once I've loaded everything up:

Though I suppose I could just use the remote control and steer it home that way...

Until that glorious day arrives when we all flee from campus like rats from a sinking ship, I shall continue to slave away at the forge of academia (patent pending) pausing only to write these (or get hammered...on life...yes, life and kittens and not booze). Er...let's get back on topic.

This isn't wasn't made by me, but God if it isn't the most wonderful eyesore I have ever had the unfortunate pleasure of cringing at!

Today (and also yesterday) I want (and wanted) to talk about varies species of the movie-watcher. Why? Well why do I need reason to do anything I do? If I bothered to think of reasons for doing things I probably wouldn't have chased that squirrel up into a tree the other day and given myself a possible concussion. (Head Trauma! The fun never ends!). Anyway, theatergoers fall into various specific types, because the world isn't fun unless you can categorize everyone:

The Serious Watcher aka "I'm in my movie bubble, fuck off": You're watching a movie, I get it. Now is not the time to discuss Middle East foreign policy, but dude, when we're at a movie and I go "AWESOME!" as Sean Connery blowtorches people in space and you shush me...well you're just sucking the fun out of everything. And it's ok to blink occasionally, there will not be a test on the movie later, I promise.

The Overtly-Intensely Enthusiastic Watcher aka "I have never seen a movie/the outside world before in my life": >.< oh sweet jesus who let you out of your box? This person is characterized by finding jokes not just funny but OHMIGOD I NEVER HEARD SOMETHING SO HIGHLARIOUS IN MY LYFE!! ZOMG HE SAID POO AND I WANT EVERYONE TO KNOW HOW AWESOME I FOUND IT. One of my friends is like this, except instead of the insanely loud laughing type, she's the "the characters on screen are in danger and only me yelling frantically at the screen can save them!!" type. We went to see Ponyo when it came out and there's this bit where Ponyo, this mermaid/fish creature, is trying to outswim these boats and not die when suddenly-

"Swim, Ponyo, swim!! PONYO SWIM FASTER YOU'RE NOT GOING TO MAKE IT!!" (Frantic arm waving)

And this is a 21 year old college student (Dear Ashley: Please don't kill me...oh wait, you're in South Korea, you can't. Nyah nyah!)

The What-Did-I-Miss? aka "WAHT": "I went and peed, what just happened?" "I had a phone call, what just happened?" "I looked away from the screen for five seconds and missed the joke, what just happened?" "I am too stupid to follow the plot, what just happened?" You know what happened? A movie happened! Maybe if you were watching or not as dumb as rock you'd notice! How about you just sit outside the theater since you keep leaving anyway and I will just recite the movie to you when I'm done. Sound good? "What? I missed what you were saying," (seething hatred goes here)

The Spokesman aka "Everyone was thinkin it, I'm just sayin it": Something happens, the audience all feels a certain way about it, but only one special individual can sum it everyone. Usually these are more funny than annoying, depending on the movie. When I saw the third Pirates movie and Will gets stabbed, we could all hear a guy crying out "FINALLY!" or when I saw Avatar and it was the part where our intrepid Marine hero first learns about the ponytail linking...thing and uses it on some dino-bird creature. We all thought it, but only guy yelled it: "Ponytail rape!" Indeed.

The Screamer aka "I HEARD A LOUD NOISE I AM GOING TO DIE!!!": One of my friends from high school was a movie screamer. And not just horror movies either, any movie ever that goes quiet and follows with any noise louder than the squeak of a tiny rodent makes her shriek and jump a foot in the air. This includes The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe. Yup. The best one though was when she saw The Grudge and screamed her lungs out at a completely random non-horror moment. There was complete silence after her scream, after which she timidly said "sorry!" the whole theater laughed.

What Have You Been Smoking aka "No really, what's wrong with you?": this category is for the movie watchers who are on an experimental drug that makes them act like the opposite of normal people. Like for instance, my brother and I saw awhile back, I think it might have been Hellboy 2 but I don't recall. Anyway, the movie opened with this blue fire and this big black guy down near the front stated very matter-of-factly: "That BLUE." Nothing else, no context, just the fact that the fire was indeed blue. We kept laughing about it all through the movie and I feel like we could have left right after hearing that and still feel like we got our money's worth.

The Talker aka "Hey, a movie! Wanna hear my life story?": "Dude, this movie's awesome! Isn't that Halle Berry? Halle Berry is so freaking hot. I'm hot! I mean it's warm in here, isn't it? Dude, she went into the room with the killer, what the hell? It's hot as hell in here. Remember when she was in that movie with the hacker who was Wolverine, and John Travolta was in it with this funny mustache? And he was all 'I'm John Travolta look at my silly mustache!' Man, that movie sucked. This movie sucks, is she gonna get topless? GET TOPLESS HALLE BERRY! ...I want pizza! Do you want pizza? If I go get pizza will you tell me what I miss? Do you think Halle Berry will take her top off while I'm getting pizza? Dude, she's taking her top off right no-AAAARRRRRAAAAGGGGHHHHRHRHAGAGAFHDGHASJFL(sounds of strangulation)

And that is all (for this post). As promised, in about five seconds I'm going to pull open a new post and get started on...HIGHLANDER DOUBLE WHAMMY. OVERUSE OF ALL-CAPS IS TOTALLY COOL NOWADAYS! You read those enormous letters right! Not one, but two unbelievably shitty Highlander movies graced with the presence of our one only paycheck monger, Sean Connery. See ya in a few!

"I remember, especially like when I was in high school, going to see like Dawn of the Dead and it was like mayhem in the theater and you could barely even watch the movie. It was so fun" -Rob Zombie

Well...this is embarrassing.

No I'm not dead. Quite the opposite. Seriously though, I had lovely post planned about various varieties of annoying theatergoers, but then, life sort of happened. Big time. Hence the shell-shocked writing. And that's all I have to say about that. So, to make up for my negligent behavior, tomorrow's post will have what was supposed to be today's topic as well as last Sunday's Sean Connery movie. And it will be one of the biggie movies, just to show that I love you (but not, the one behind you). Anyway, on that note, I'm gonna go and sleep and stuff and here's a summation of me at this moment:


Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Music Monday: And The Beat Goes On...(and on and on)

Ugh, I am friggin beat. Two papers done, a test re-done and still more to come. And this pre-finals season. Like spring training or something. I have not yet begun to suffer. Damn, that was gloomier than I intended. Anyway, the crux of it is that I am fucking exhausted (again). And you will have to deal with me being lazy and just giving you the songs without hunting for the pictures or pontificating on their awesomeness. Although, in the case of today's theme, it's probably better that I don't talk about them. Today's theme is in fact, songs with the best story. This is a tribute to songs that literally tell a story, perhaps sad, uplifting or completely deranged, these songs aren't just "let's party all night" or "that bitch left me for my truck" they have a (somewhat) cohesive narrative to follow, so listen and enjoy:

1. Greencard Husband, Gogol Bordello. Sleepy-style comment: Gets stuck in your head forever, best not sing it in public:

2. State of Massachusetts, Dropkick Murphys. You'll dance, you'll rock out, you'll cringe in horror upon realizing it tells the story of a negligent mother:

3. Death, Death (Devil, Devil, Devil, Devil, Evil, Evil, Evil, Evil Song), Voltaire. The tale of a punk kid from the Hot Topic set who just can't relate (it's funny, just trust me):

4. Anna Is A Stool Pigeon, Tom Gabel. Ok, I am cheating, I used this one already under the category of songs I love from bands I hate, but c'mon! It's a song about love and betrayal between a protester and an informant for the FBI. If that's not a story I don't what is:

5. Ten Million Slaves, Otis Taylor. I love Otis Taylor, he makes me see the banjo is not just for extras on the movie Deliverance. The song tells of Nuclear winter being a go as one dude chills alone in a bomb shelter thinking about the slaves shipped to America and the end of the world. It's so freaking good it boggles the mind:

And that's it! Now get off mah property! (Nah, you can stay awhile, just take your sneakers off so you don't track dirt, I just cleaned in here)

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Not Feeling So Hot

So I had a blast at Disney yesterday, although it turns out that attempting to leap from the ride boat the prop ship on the Pirates of the Caribbean ride is generally frowned upon (who knew?). We also rode Splash, Space and Thunder Mountain until my brains liquefied into smoothie and Zeke actually hit the score limit on the Buzz Lightyear ride, like seriously 999,999. Proving once and for all, that he has no life. And we saw an orange woman. Like, straight up friggin orange. She was just a bit too tall to be an escaped Oompah-Loompah so my theory is someone has been fiddling with her contrast dial.

Exactly like this. Only she was older, wrinklier and not Anne Hathaway.

Also we saw the "spectro-magic" parade. I have no idea what the hell spectro-magic is exactly, but I suppose it sounded better to Disney execs than "Shit-ton of LED lights"

Or, alternatively, "Light-Up Nightmare Clowns" seriously, those dudes were mad creepy

After that there was an awesome fireworks show that apparently had some kind of heroes versus villains storyline (don't ask me how) but I was far too distracted by craning my neck and going "oooooh!" to follow it. We made it back home by a quarter to three in the morning and it was not a moment too soon for me. I love my friends and I had a great time with them at Disney, but after 21 FREAKING HOURS I wanted to maim them horribly and was fairly certain they wished the same on me. Or maybe I'm just irritated more easily. Either way, if I heard Johnny sing one more thing I was not going to be responsible for any appendages lost.

Anyway, it was fun and all, but I think the Happiest Place on Earth gave me a little extra happiness to take home in the form of what seems to be a cold or somesuch (although the fact that I've had to run back and forth through the rain today probably hasn't helped). So I'm feeling kind of crummy but can't rest because, per the usual, there is papering to be done. So no Sean Connery movie today, sorry. I'll most likely make it up on Tuesday or Wednesday and Music Monday should be on schedule, all this depending on what my immune system decides to do, it is a fickle creature. So I'm off to have a cup of tea and write about the pitfalls of idealization in Victorian novels. Wheee. I'll see you tomorrow!

Me: "Johnny, seriously if you don't stop singing, I will punch you in the dick. Like literally clock you in the penis"

Val: "The empty threats are NOT helping!"

A Haiku

Returned from Disney
Legs are now limp like jell-o
Please do not call me

Proper update detailing part two of my Disney-related adventures will follow. For now, here's a picture of Robert Downey Jr. without a shirt, because one of the perks of having your own blog is that you can post shirtless pictures of dudes without any cause or context:

Friday, April 16, 2010

You Know It's Almost Summer...(A Post That Is Really Just A Glorified List)

You Know It's Almost Summer (At the HC) When...

1. SmartBoxes spontaneously appear from an unknown and most likely sinister origin

The really creepy part is when more appear at random intervals, my current theory is that they breed during the night. (Just be glad I don't feel like putting in the effort to make a picture of two boxes humping)

2. No one can be bothered to give a shit anymore, right when it is most important that you do.

Papers, finals, and for our senior friends, that which is so dreaded most dare not give it name...

THESIS! (DUNDUNDUN! dramatic lightning bolt!)

(on an unrelated note, I may have just wet my pants)

Anyway, now is crunch time, with tests and due dates and finals and (sound of brain escaping via the left nostril)

Brain: Screw this! If I have to memorize one more sonnet I am going to choke myself with my stem! No more Stats formulas, no more dead British people who wrote novels about how indoor plumbing killed humanity's innocence. I AM DONE. Meet me at the beach, bring sunscreen.

3. Teacher Evaluations!

Forget Christmas, Teacher Eval time not only means the year is at an end, it also means reaming professors who continually stumble into class fifteen minutes late, look at the students in surprise coated in a haze of caffeine and proceed to spend thirty minutes playing with the projector and talking about how this class interrupted a sweet nap they were having, followed by a test on material that was supposed to be covered three weeks from now. Oh now is the time for glorious revenge!! To be fair, I haven't had any professors like that this semester. They've all been wonderful and full of knowledge and awkward innuendos, but I have had professors exactly like the one I described and Teacher Evals, aside from marking semester's end, ensure that Doctor Space Cadet PhD gets what's coming to them.

4. People begin to disappear.

Is it a curse? A plague? The fact that some students just freak the fuck out and bolt? (probably that one). Yes, when sweet summertime is so close, when you've nearly reached the end of a tunnel made of education and despair, that is when some people just give up and vanish like some kind of evil voodoo gypsy. Do they drop out? Head to Tijuana, or an insane asylum? Or, like two kids I knew freshman year, attempt to drive away to a commune in Minnesota, never to return, but only make it as far as Jacksonville before coming back.

5. You start hoarding cardboard boxes like it's the Apocalypse and afterwards, cardboard boxes will be the only form of currency

It happens slowly at first, you realize soon it will be time to move out, and anything not going into the depths of the procreating SmartBoxes will need to be boxed up so it can all fit in your car without you playing Life-Size Tetris: Frustration Edition. So you see some boxes outside the Publix and snag them. But you need more boxes, bigger ones. You're scoping out electronic stores, barging into Starbucks and demanding the box their espresso machine came in. You can't stop, you're following around hobos, trading your x-box for a real box, trying desperately to find one that your ancient, oddly shaped television you inherited from your Aunt Myrtle will fit into. And before you know it, summer is a week away and you've got more boxes than crap to put into the boxes.

Why no, I don't have a problem, why do you ask?

There you have it, the top five signs that summer is a'commin' at the HC. I go sleep now and tomorrow we run the Disney gauntlet again! Once more into the breach! We few, we happy few, we band of brothers! And let any man who stands beside me in this fight be called my brother!! (Note to self, ease up on the Shakespeare)

"In the land of the boxless, the man with half a box is king...but still can't actually use his half a box for anything practical" -Me, five seconds ago

Everbody's Workin For The Weekend

It's 2:30 in the morning and I've had a rough week. What does this mean for you? Mostly 80's hair rock, but also a super-short post because I am tired and shit. It happens (rarely) and I choose to use it as proof that I am not some kind of android thingy. But if I was, I'd be the kind that could fight crime. With lasers. Coming out of my butt. Hell yeah.

So, I did Day of Silence today and actually managed to keep my mouth shut for most of the time, enough to beat Javi anyway, and that's all that really matters-er...I mean, spreading awareness, that is what matters. I'm still going to hell, aren't I?

Indeed, so says The Lord Freeman! And the third day did he star in a sub-par family-oriented sequel!

...Yeah, if that doesn't give you a good indication of my exhaustion level, nothing will. So, my life for the next few days: paperspaperspaperspapersDISNEYWORLDAGAINBITCHESpaperpaperspaperspapers. That's right, Program Board had leftover free tickets to Disney and me and the gang, as I have just now started to refer to them, snagged them and are going Magic Kingdom on Saturday, and I will ride Pirates of the Caribbean eight thousand times, and it will be most joyous.

And The Freeman said "Yarr" and there was much rejoicing

Yeah, that's pretty much all I can think of that is of any pertinence. Except that Javi got his computer hooked up to Val's extremely large television and we watched videos and also the Very Potter Musical for the billionth time. If you're a Harry Potter fan and you've never heard of the musical WELL THEN YOU'RE KIND OF A SHITTY FAN. Fix it by watching and reveling in Dumbledore's obsession with Zac Efron, Malfoy's descriptions of "PigFarts" and untamed bromance between Voldemort and Professor Quirrel:(There are like, twenty parts to it, I'm only putting the first one)

Night! See you tomorrow where I will be giving away fifty bucks! (I won't) or maybe a puppy! (Nope) possibly some gum! (Not even).

"Just remember that a portkey can be any ordinary thing at a football, or a dolphin" -Snape, Very Potter Musical

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Sugary Cynic Talks About Summer Movies She Is Excited For Because She Can

Hooray for highly specific post titles! Hooray for accidentally writing "tities" instead of "titles" and giggling because it looked like "titties" and then fixing it so no one would be the wiser! (wait a minute...dammit).

Tomorrow is the Day of Silence on campus, if you don't know what Day of Silence is, it's a day when you keep your irritating trap shut as a way of representing the silenced voices of victims of bullying and harassment within the LGBT community, and outside of it too I suppose. If you want legitimate information and not sugar-fueled suppositions, go here . So yeah, if you don't me in the strange and frightening world beyond the internet, let me tell you that I love to talk. I will talk your ear off if you let me, and then continue to talk whilst I sew it back on to your head. Yep. I have never participated in Day of Silence before because of this. Instead I usually tape a sign to my back that says "I support the Day of Silence but can't keep my mouth shut" which lead to many many dirty jokes. But this year Javi's doing it to and he's possibly even more of a chatterbox than me, so now it's a COMPETITION. More importantly, it's a competition that I can feel kinda good about because at least I'm doing it for a purpose, you know? What? I'm still an asshole? ...Yeah, I know.

So,as you may have guessed from the incredibly specific title, I am going to talk about the movies I am anticipating the most this summer, simply because I can rather than for any actual reason. Whee. So, I managed to whittle down the multitude of blockbuster insanity and stuff I am mildly interested in into ten movies (which is pretty convenient), that I WILL see come hell or unemployment. And they are as follows, in order of how intensely bad I want to see them:


I've been reading the graphic novels forever, watching the news on this movie like there would be a test on it, awaiting the trailer like a snake-bite victim awaits the anti-venom, and now all I have to do is wait just a bit longer til August 13th when AWESOMENESS WILL OCCUR WITH MAXIMUM FORCE. Early reviews have been positive and the tone looks pitch-perfect, the cast looks like walking talking versions of their comic counterparts it's just...Michael Cera. He's just so NOT Scott Pilgrim. At all. So either he will mumble and awkward hiss way through the role of the hyper-enthusiastic Scott, or he will surprise me and I will hate him less for helping kill the Arrested Development movie.

2. Iron Man 2

HELL YEAH! Although, to be fair, RDJ could do a movie that's just him chasing a kitten and I'd go see it...actually, that doesn't sound too bad. The cast is solid and I love the chemistry between him and Gwyneth Paltrow. Also Mickey Rourke with energy whips. That too. My only iffyness comes from the fact that it seems like the whole movie's given to you in the trailer, I hope they're holding back some surprises. Also they pulled a Dark Knight actor-switcheroo, except instead of the largely pointless Rachel Dawes it's Rhodey, who is awesome. I really liked Terrence Howard in the role so Don Cheadle best be steppin up and whatnot.

3. The Last Airbender

Aggh. I'm super torn on this one. I loved the show while it was on. It was entertaining, original and complex. It was great because it could go from ridiculous and silly to "shit just got real" seamlessly and nothing ever felt forced. There's so much wrong with this movie, the white kids playing asian or inuit characters, the indian kid playing a character who may have been supposedly chinese but not indian. The fact that this Aang doesn't look or sound right, that M. Night decided to change name pronunciations to make them sound "more asian" (hypocrisy!), and so much else. But then again...They're tossing fire and water around! And crushing ships! And Appa the flying bison is in it! Flying people! Yeah, I will probably be disappointed, but I know I can't not see it.

4. Kick-Ass

Ok, it comes out in two days, so it's not really a summer movie per se, but I feel like it's fair to say that it's kicking off the summer movie season, especially since Clash of the Titans tanked. I never read the comics but I'm still really psyched for it, especially since people have been saying Nicholas Cage has returned, however briefly, to not being an embarrassing ass-hat. The cast looks great and every new red band trailer gets funnier and funnier. Some people have a problem with the swearing little Hit Girl but I personally crack up when she tells her dad she wants dolls for her birthday and says "I'm just fuckin' with ya, Dad" and he looks so relieved. Definitely can't wait!

5. Prince of Persia

Speaking of white people playing roles intended for other races...English accents make it ok, right? This one does look like a ton of fun though. Just straight up silliness and action. The effects also look neat, I like how they made the "travel backwards through time" bit look. Also it has Ben Kingsley and Alfred Molina in it, and they are generally awesome. And also Jake Gyllenhaal is hot. So there.

6. Inception

What the crap was that? I have no idea and apparently no one else does either. Even star Leonardo Dicaprio admits that he's still not exactly sure what the hell he starred in. But let's face it, with Christopher behind the wheel of a cast consisting of Dicaprio, Ellen Page, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Michael Caine and Ken Watanabe, even it's a miss it should be an entertaining one. And at the very least I'll get some Leo-in-a-bathtub action (I am a shallow human being).

7. The Sorcerer's Apprentice

What was that I said before about Nicholas Cage not being an embarrassment? Well, that was even quicker than I thought it would be. I'm kind of torn on this one too, though not nearly in the same intense way as Last Airbender. On one hand, Nicholas Cage looks like a crack-head hobo, it has that nasally kid who I can't decide if he's endearing or annoying, and it's a modern gritty thing based off the original Sorcerer's Apprentice cartoon with Mickey and The Sentient Brooms of Doom. Also it just looks fucking silly...But that dragon thingy and the metal bird look awesome! And Alfred Molina is in it with fire fingers! And that asian dude was a butterfly or something! And Nicholas Cage is a crack-head hobo (I mark that as both a pro and con). It looks like harmless fun and I'll probably see it, I blame the Depeche Mode song they use in the trailer, it's just so cool!

8. The A-Team

....Bradley Cooper...Oh! Erhm, sorry. I was, uh, distracted. Anyway, this movie, as well as the next two fall under the category of Brother Time. They fit the criteria of my brother's perfect movie: explosions, manliness, more explosions, no plot, general ridiculosity and also explosions, those too. And I will go see these movies with him and we will make snarky comments and bond and watch things blow up. It's kind of our thing. So yeah, I know virtually nothing about the A-team TV show except I remember watching an episode where Mr. T was afraid to get on a plane so they drugged him and put him on the plane. Yeah. So no real expectations, things will go boom, Bradley Cooper will take his shirt off and I will go home happy.

9. The Losers

The next Brother movie is The Losers, with Jeffrey Dean Morgan, who I really like, and Chris Evans, who I really like to stare at. Oh shut up, it's not like the guys aren't totally checking out Zoe Saldana anyway. Once again, I haven't read the comic this is based off of (it's on my list) but this looks like a good time at the movies, more explosions, silly dialogue, some pretty sweet looking action. Over all it looks cool and seems worth the watch.

10. The Expendables

I already talked about this one in my "extravaganza" post: It will either be an exercise in awesome or geriatric hip snapping. I mean, it's pretty much the manliest thing one can watch without literally staring at a pair of balls for two hours but I am apprehensive that will be less "holy shit that was so cool!" and more "oh sweet Jesus, you can get wrinkles THERE?!" Only time will tell for sure.

And that's it. The end. I got stuff to do. Seriously, go away, before I get the shotgun.

"I'm married! We didn't date, I broke bread with her," -Overheard in the Starbucks on the FAU Boca campus

Now go away.

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