Wednesday, March 31, 2010

It's A Christmas Miracle!

...Except not really!

Close enough though, as I am posting this before the nighttime hours. I'm currently sitting at work, which I should have left by now, but will be here at least another hour recording Fiesta Maya footage onto four separate discs. Woe is I. So I brought my baby 'puter so I could do some homework while my discs record...or do a post (Procrastination would be my middle name if it weren't already danger). Also, I have recently come to the conclusion that I type these posts the way Eddie Izzard talks when he does stand-up, puncutating every other sentence with "so yeah", full of random digressions and occasionally heavily focused on Sean Connery:

Except, you know, he's funny (and in drag). CURSE YOU, EDDIE IZZARD!! BUT NOT REALLY BECAUSE YOU ARE MY FAVORITE BRITISH TRANSVESTITE COMEDIAN! (Cuz that's such a huge field of comedians). Seriously, I would give a finger to see him perform, the pinky though, because I kind of need the other ones...unless it was replaced with a laser finger! Except then using the bathroom would be an exercise in extreme peril. Let's end this train of thought before it gets any weirder...

So last night was spent kicking ass in Scene It (except Arlene won in the end and I was shamed), and working on the greatest Statistics project EVER. It was to do a survey or experiment or obervational study. Me and my project partner, Erin? We're watching Quentin Tarantino movies and counting the expletives. We randomly selected our sample of movies from his repertoire, then picked a random group of ten 5-minute segments, and then sat back and watched the fucks, shits and various other colorful terms fly through the air. I think my Stats professor may have been heavily medicated when she agreed to let us do a report on this. Not that I'm complaining.

Now 80% more statistically relevant!

Anywhoo, there's not too much going down apart from schoolwork as we near the end of the year. Whose idea was it to have Spring and finals coincide? It's a time when college-age folks are antsy, restless and prone to start humping things without consent, and instead of unrestricted pelvic thrusting, we have to lock ourselves inside, ignore the gorgeous weather and STUDY. And this is Florida for God's sake! We get like, maybe two weeks of beautiful, lounging-outside-weather before this happens:

Higher-learning can suck sometimes. And by sometimes I mean usually. And by usually I mean GET ME OUT OF THIS OFFICE I'VE HAD TO WATCH THIS FIESTA MAYA VIDEO SIX TIMES AND THERE'S STILL MORE DISCS TO MAKE!!

(Deep breath)

Is it summer yet?

"I was kind of excited about going to jail the first time and I learned some great dialogue" -Quentin Tarantino

But For Me...It WasTuesday

Yeah, it's been an M. Bison kinda day.

So I have decided I am incapable of posting before midnight but I am ok with that. As I sit here with my easy mac, contemplating my nocturnal lifestyle, my only worry is what's going to happen after I graduate? I can't get a normal hour job, my body will reject it and implode on itself (and that's a sight no one wants to see). I suppose I can be a night janitor, or a hooker, but I feel with a degree I could at least be a head janitor or a escort (it's like a hooker, but FANCY)...I should probably go to sleep based on that last sentence. Oh well.

So, the hunt for the elusive internship continues, the Museum of Discovery and Science is looking promising, and I've been there roughly twenty times in my life so that should count for something, right? Familiarity over competence? ...Yeah.

So, since I slept through French today, I think my body is trying to tell me something (it doesn't like French) but mostly that I ought to go to sleep. So I will. Right now. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Ok, for reals now. Night, internets!

Monday, March 29, 2010

Music Monday: Favorite Scores

Holy guacamole cannoli on stick! Over a thousand hits! (Joyness) <3 all my friends who read this, you guys rock the house, and all you random strangers I don't know who read this, you guys rock even harder because you're not motivated by friendship-related guilt. Working on this has been so much fun and I'm looking forward to doing something special for when I hit fifty posts, but for now it's a regular Music Monday that will be looking at my favorite film scores that are all very personal to me. Because what's the fun of being a nerd on the internet if you can't inflict it on unsuspecting strangers?

1. Pirates of The Caribbean, Klaus Badelt. This holds the very special spot of first film score I ever bought. I saw POTC when I was thirteen and the theme was in my head for weeks, driving me crazy until I learned that you can buy film scores (I was a slow child). I remember listening to it over and over again, sword fighting imaginary pirates, using it as a soundtrack to story writing and eventually incorporating it into a musical fight that me and my mom did at an open karate tournament, tying for first place (yeah, we do karate). This was my first taste of swashbuckling epicness and just hearing the main theme brings back that thrill of watching the movie in the theater, wishing I was a pirate...happily oblivious to the crap that would be the next two films...

2. Everything Is Illuminated, Paul Cantelon. Much like the movie itself, this score draws you in with charming goofiness only to hit you in the stomach with a sledgehammer when you least expect it. The score is firmly grounded in it's setting of the Ukraine, with tracks like "Odessa Medley" making you glance around to make sure you're still in your country of origin (unless you live in the Ukraine, I suppose). The soundtrack also incorporates tracks from Ukrainian punk bad and all-around awesome dudes, Gogol Bordello, whose lead singer, Eugene Hutz, plays Alex, one of the main characters. The score has incredible range, but one of my favorites is Inside-out, because I feel like it encompasses the feel of the whole movie:

3. Lady In The Water, James Newton Howard. Awful movie, brilliant score. (random sidenote: gawd isn't Bryce Dallas Howard's face SO CREEPY there?). Anyway, I actually only watched this movie because I heard the score for it in another trailer. Ugh, it is cheesy, cliche and ridiculous but I can still consider time (mostly) well spent because I got to hear this score. It is something else. James Newton Howard is the master of the understated score, managing heartbreakingly beautiful themes while remaining incredibly restrained. If Lady In The Water was half as good as it's score, M. Night would have had a hit on his hands. Oh well.

3. Meet Joe Black, Thomas Newman. Thomas Newman is a man who knows how to make me happy inside (get out of the gutter), he has a very specific style created for the sole purpose of reducing everyone into blubbering infants and Meet Joe Black is no exception. It's a very dark, reserved score, matching with the tone of the main character, Joe Black aka Death (that's right). It works wonderfully because it makes the moments of pure emotion stand out that much more. The music feels like it's being restricted, hemmed in from getting too wild, but in a good way, if that makes sense. Newman is a man who never goes overboard. A perfect example of this hemmed in energy followed by emotional release (apparently Thomas Newman has the power to triple my normal innuendo quotient), is Someone Else:

4. A Series of Unfortunate Events, Thomas Newman. I know, maybe it's cheating to put him twice, in a row no less, but this is one of my favorite scores without a doubt. Like Meet Joe Black, it fits the movie to a T, dark and broody to suit the depressing mood but with uplifting notes on the edges because it is, after all, a kid's movie. I remember listening this while on a plane and watching the clouds skim by, for some reason it just makes for awesome travel music. It's a very clever score, never getting too dark or too cheesy but keeping things right on edge. It's hard for me to pick just one track, but since I have to, one of the best one's is the first one, The Bad Beginning and it's hilarious fake-out:

5. Steamboy, Steve Jablonsky. Before he was trying to make us care about Michael Bay's Transformers by way of score, Steve Jablonsky scored the eccentric but visually kick-ass steampunk anime, Steamboy. It is Victorian Alternate History Epicness personified. These tracks will make you feel like you're flying through the air on a jet of steam-powered awesome. It has a wide range, from playful and light tracks, like Scarlet, to the intenseness of Fly In The Sky. I highly recommend both the movie and the music, they complete each other. And next time you plan on taking an airship ride,listen to this:

6. Ho damn, shaking things up! Ok, 6 is a bonus because I just got it but I already cannot stop listening to it: How To Train Your Dragon, John Powell. Never did I dare think there existed music that would make me like bagpipes, but hat's off to ya, Mr. Powell, you have done it. This score is exciting, breathtaking, dare I say, high-flying? (the puns, they hurt). I can't even multi-task while listening to it, it just grabs me by the ears and doesn't let go, taking up with themes that bring the adrenaline while still managing to connect emotionally. Test Drive is the perfect track to get you hooked:


Ok, I'm better now. That's all for tonight. I'm going to go not pretend to fly around my room at 2am...yeah.

"I remember a teacher once asked me, what makes music sad? What a brilliant question. His answer was, it takes on the physical qualities of something sad. Meaning if it's sad, a melody will move in step-wise manner. It will tend to be slower as you are when you're sad; it takes on the physical characteristics of an emotional state. Something in the music rings and carries you back to a memory you have that elicits a feeling. I guess what's wonderful about music is that it's utterly abstract and yet has a great kind of sinuous, subjective emotional reaction. I like the idea that music can be dimensional, that it's not necessarily playing what's there" -Thomas Newman

Warning: Girl Without Balance On Ice/ Sean Connery Movie Sunday

So today, I made the monumentally ridiculous decision to go ice skating. Well, to be fair, it wasn't really a conscious decision, more like "well, you can do your Statistics homework and be responsible...or you could come with us and go ice skating!" So I went ice skating with them. How was it? Like this:

Yep, exactly like this...ok, not really. It was actually more like this:

Only, ya know, with a bit less crotch...

It was a lot of fun, and everybody had a great time except for Akiva, who got tripped twice by the same eight year old girl and is probably scarred for life. Also now I can't move my legs...

In other news, the Harry Potter theme park is opening at Universal soon and I am soooo excited! They're going to have Hogsmeade with Ollivander's Wand Shop, The Three Broomsticks, The Owlery, the Hogwarts Express and Hogwarts spots such as The Room of Requirement, Dumbledore's office, and the Great Hall.

Dude, I am SO READY

Ok, on to the review! Today's movie, as I said on Friday, is Dragonheart, the story of the pimpest dragon that ever lived!

Damn right you will!

The movie is basically about the last dragon ever and his irritating human pal Bowen, played by Dennis Quaid with laryngitis, and his irritating sidekick Gilbert the Monk, played by Pete "Why am I always playing the annoying religious dude" Postlethwaite. Seriously, check his IMDB page, ninety percent of his roles are as Monk So-and-So and Father What's-His-Face. Anyway, they face off against the irritating evil king Einon, played David Thewlis as the most awkwardly effeminate villain since...I don't even know.

Cuz nothing says Evil Warlord quite like that hairdo

So, the story begins with Bowen training mini-Eoinin in the way of the good knights blahblahblah peasant uprising! The king is killed and Eoinin is mortally wounded! So his mother and Bowen do what any responsible adults would do and take him to see a dragon. Because that makes total sense. And they totally explain why. Except they don't. Anyway, Connery dragon gives Eonin a piece of his heart to live provided he doesn't grow up to be a sniveling fuck. (Spoiler, he does!) Bowen gets sad and even growlier and blames the dragon, vowing to kill all the dragons ever. We jump forward some years to find that Bowen has been hard at work murdering dragons for money and the hell of it and with the help (and I use that term loosely) of Brother Annoying, he finds the cave of (DUN DUN DUN) The Last Dragon!

Connery, as the dragon Draco (inspired naming right there) is the highlight of the movie, both as a character and technologically speaking. This movie was made in 1996 and was one of the first movies to have a completely CGI creation as a main character who interacted with the actors. By 14 years ago standards, Draco is revolutionary and by today's, he's still pretty decent. And he seriously LOOKS like Sean Connery:

"I prefer my humans shaken, not stirred"

So, Bowen and Draco fight for a bit and realize something important: If Bowen kills Draco, he's out of a job as a professional dragon hunter, and dead. Which would suck for him. So they agree to a deal where the scam the peasants, which works great until the peasants catch on and Bowen and Draco have to kidnap Kara, leader of the peasant resistance and generally superfluous female character. And then Draco sings to her. Seriously. I had to scour the damn internet for clips and only found ONE. And the embedding was disabled >.<...basically,go here, skip to 2:37 and be prepared to feel embarrassed for a giant CGI dragon.

After that bit of weirdness, Kara tries to convince Bowen stop being such a growly old bastard and help the resistance take down Einon, since he's such a shit and all. Bowen is all "codes are dumb, knights are stupid" and then Draco's all "erm, it was kinda my heart Einon has" and then battles happen because Kara gets kidnapped for no real reason. Also Einon and Draco feel when the other is in pain, which prompts some creepy questions about what else they jointly feel but the movie wisely bypasses that and the crux of it is that Bowen can't kill Einon without killing Draco in the process. What happens? EPICNESS! And also, despite the general cheesiness of the movie, a pretty sad ending that still makes me tear up a bit, though I partly blame the theme song:

(sniffle) um, there's just some dust in my eye...(cuddles dragon pillow)...yeah. Sadness dust. That.

So, overall, despite some incredibly cheesified acting from David Thewlis, Pete Postlethwaite and Sir Snarls-alot, Dragonheart is a cute, sweet movie that's great to watch as a kid and is all nice and nostalgic-y to come back to years later. Also, Sean Connery is a maternal-fornicating DRAGON. Not just any dragon either, the LAST DRAGON. EVER.

...Well, you know. Except that one.

Anyway, three catapults out of five for being a fun, if corny fantasy movie that makes you want a dragon. Dammit, two dragon movies in one week...I want one :( Eh, I'll get over it (I won't). See you tomorrow for Music Monday!

Young Einon: "The peasants are revolting!"
Brok: "They've always been revolting, Prince. But now they're rebelling."

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Who's A Bad Blogger?

Meeeee! Yeah, but that's what happens when you make new friends, end up watching The Rock until 4:30 in the morning and before being caressed by the sweet embrace of sleep you realize you haven't posted yet. Although, to be fair, I didn't even do anything today...except maybe buy the dragon from How To Train Your Dragon...

And let the judging begin. Ah screw you, he's cuddly as hell and I don't care what you think! (mostly)

Ok, seeing double, exhaustion....night

Saturday, March 27, 2010


So I just got back from a long and arduous quest to Treasure Coast with Val and Zeke, which is a good deal less epic than it sounds. We were hunting down a jar of Manic Panic hair dye so I can return to the world of the unnaturally haired. After rummaging through a store full of Japanese whatnot and judging tiny scene kids and their amusing androgyny we found the Manic Panic in the most brightly lit Spencer's I have eve seen. Generally, Spencer's is a dark haven of lewd t-shirts and glow-in-the-dark sex toys shrouded in infinite shadows and such. This was bright, cheerful and...well, un-Spencer's-y. After that, we saw How To Train Your Dragon and it was AWESOME. I went in with no real expectations, just a desire to see dragons do dragon-things and I was blown away by how great this movie was. For reals. The dragons are like giant scaly cats with wings and that is wonderful.

I seriously want like, five of these little bastards. Geneticists, get on this shit. NOW.

The movie centers on the teenage Viking weenie Hiccup, played by Jay Baruchel of skinny-nerd fame. The plot is admittedly kind of tired. Hiccup is not like his Viking brethren, he's a shrimpy artist who uses his brain and thinks differently about things, much to the chagrin of his Viking-chief dad, played by Gerard Butler. Then Hiccup shoots down a Night Fury, the scariest mofo of the dragon world, only to find that they are freakin' adorable! It turns out that Hiccup gimpy-fied the dragon on accident and Toothless (the dragon) can't fly anymore, so Hiccup builds him a neato leather harness dealie and awesomeness ensues. First off, I normally am not too fond of 3D, it gives me eye-strain and usually doesn't seem worth the extra cash, the only movies that I thought really made the 3D worthwhile were Coraline and Avatar. But this movie just made the list with unbelievably beautiful flight scenes. During one high-speed scene I felt like waving my arms over my head and going "WHOOOOO!!!"

Like this, but on an adorable cat dragon racing through some cliffs!

As Hiccup learns more and more about the dragons, he questions his village's merciless killing of them, which culminates in his dad disowning him and a ginormous dragon and EXPLOSIONS OF DRAGON IMMOLATION!! In short, the plot covers no new ground, but the characters are intensely likable, the dragons are great and it is visually stunning with a wonderful score from John Powell that actually incorporates bagpipes in an awesome manner. Four flaming dragon-launched catapults out of five, easily.

Not too much else going on, can't find any latex gloves so it looks like late night hair dye isn't happening, which is a bummer but I will persevere! I just need a dragon plushie. Specifically a Toothless plushie. Now, please. C'mon who loves me the most? Prove your love!! Also, at the movie, a new trailer for the Last Airbender movie played, mostly old footage but with something new...Aang talks! (and sounds awful). Seriously, the girl playing Katara, while the trailer makes me doubt her acting skills, sounds like Katara to me. Aang just sounds every shade of wrong. Avatar fans (the cartoon, not the blue cat people) judge for yourself:


Ok, I'm over it. Not really. Sort of. Thinking of Scott Pilgrim instead. (filled with happy feelings!!)

Ok, time to go find latex gloves (there's something I never thought I'd say, much less type) see you tomorrow dudes and lady-dudes.

"I will avenge your beautiful hand, and your beautiful foot by killing a dragon, with MY FACE!" -Spitlout, How To Train Your Dragon

Friday, March 26, 2010

Scott Pilgrim Trailer!! (Finally!)

Wheee! It's finally here and it looks awesome!! (even with that which is Michael Cera)

Can you feel the excitement? Because I am emanating it as HARD AS I CAN!

Scott Pilgrim vs. The World comes out August 16th and that is way too far away.

Ok, so it is past the midnight hour and I am hard at work on a paper/watching Bandslam, which is silly and filled with such cringe-inducing lines as "my school is Guantanamo with a lunch period" but overall it's cute and sadly one of the few movies you'll hear any ska music in these days. I miss The Specials, and also The Clash, even if they had their greatest hits before I was born. Is it possible to miss a band that stopped existing before you existed? Yes, SugaryCynicism, the only blog that dares to probe existential musical theory at 2 in the morning!

Guess who had coffee? (The answer is me) We also hunted for hair dye whilst on the coffee run (I went with others, I am not so weird as to use the royal "we"...yet) But every place that's open at twelve-thirty at night sells the same cheap-ass dye that made me into a pink-patched weirdo in the first place. And also WalMart doesn't carry colored hair dye! What's up with that? Is it their way of taking a stand against all the rebellious teenagers of the world? Is it revenge for all the times I've gone in, rode a show bike through the store and left? Bastards.

Anyway, just a short one tonight/this morning(?) Because I need to get this done so playing can commence tomorrow. We're all planning on seeing How To Train Your Dragon because...well because we like dragons. Do I need a deep, personal reason for wanting to see a cartoon dragon fuck some shit up? (On that note, I think I will review DragonHeart for Sean Connery Movie Sunday, now there's a film chock full of ridiculous...and singing Sean Connery'll see)

For now, I must peace out. Hey, you got a long-ass post for the last couple days so deal with it. Peace, love and the occasional ill-advised hook-up!

"It was like a Nuremberg rally produced by MTV" -Will Burton, Bandslam (seriously, movie? That is all kinds of awful)

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Witty Title

Bluh, busy day. And yet, in the manner of most busy days I got little to nothing accomplished. Whoo, college! Anyway, my friend Javi turned 20 and became a growed-up today, and in celebration of his newfound manhood we ate a cupcake-cake the size of an obese toddler.

This was the biggest cupcake I could find that wasn't the size of a mini-van but it still PALES in comparison to Javi's. (Compensating, Javi?)

Oh and Javi's roommate bought this shirt from ThinkGeek that has a speaker in it. No shit, it seriously has a speaker so that you can just walk around projecting whatever noise you desire. It is truly the future in being publicly obnoxious.

Yeah, except the speaker looks like some kind of horrific growth in real life. And also, if you wear a t-shirt over it, which it seems like you'd want to to avoid being murdered by someone going "Seriously, who is playing the GODDAMNED POKEMON THEME?!" the speaker still juts out and makes it look like you've got a uni-boob.

Heh, uni-boob.

Classy blog is classy ;D Actually, the movie this is from, Kung Pow, is freaking hilarious, I strongly suggest you watch it, uni-boob and all.

Rapidly changing the subject, I have recently started skateboarding again, despite being born with a tragic lack of balance. It's really fun and I'm starting to get good at it again (and also start a wheeled posse of doom amongst my peers) but I can't shake this awkward feeling whenever I take the board out that I'm supposed to be sixteen and mad at my parents.

And look like this kid. (Shudder)

What else? Oh! At dinner in the ever-classy dining hall, we have various dinner stations, the main entree area, the grill, the veggie section, and so on. Then there's menu-tainement, which is supposed to do cool things with food every now and again. And what was tonight?




Yep. The Weiner Wonder Bar. I'll let that sink in.....WHAT THE EFFIN HELL?! There are roughly ten million less horrible ways to describe a hot dog bar. There I just did one, a hot dog bar, mild innuendo at best. But no, they had to go all the way (that's what she said) and go for the awkward gold with the Weiner Wonder Bar, which sounds so horrifying that even the gay man among us was like "ew"

This is the least viscerally horrifying picture existing on the internet that has the words "weiner" and "wonder" in it. Also, looking at it makes me giggle.

Yeah, it's that kind of blog tonight, put the kids to bed (wink). Wait, it's like two in the morning, what the hell are the kids doing up in the first place? I'm calling child services on you weirdos! All righty, I'll see you tomorrow if I survive the day (unlikely, I have Stats lab)

Master Tang: "I remember a long time ago, when a friend told me there would be a chosen one."
[intense flashback to a younger Tang talking to Master Doe]
Master Doe: "There will be a chosen one."
[back to the present scene]
Master Tang: "He then told me of the significance."
[ridiculous flashback again]
Master Doe: "...It will be significant." -Kung Pow: Enter The Fist

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Back...From The Future!

Hello people of the internet and occasionally real life, I have returned from my fantastic journey through time and space! (And all I got was this lousy t-shirt...and also an anti-gravity gun but that's neither here nor there). Before I tell you what wonders I encountered in the future, I would like to thank the always awesome if sometimes homicidal J-Lust for guest post and for bringing Chiddy Bang, AM Architect and Nujabes into my life. I can't stand Discovery and will never be able to take Drake seriously:

Hey guys, it's Jimmy! And he's dropping all kinds of sick beats!

Anyway, on my awesometastic voyage into the futuristic world of tomorrow, I encountered tacos that have been genetically engineered for extra deliciousness, rocket-propelled port-a-potties (it might have something to do with the tacos) and learned that Betty White continues to be a media darling and feisty old a head in a jar, ala Futurama:

Truly, the future will be a glorious place for us all

Ok, now that I have returned, let's get down to business (to defeat the Huns!) Seriously? I mean, I know the Beauty and the Beast one was a tad obscure but really? Ok...

(singing aloud much to the horror of her roommates) TESTOSTERONE!! ....You asked for it. As an added bonus, be sure to look up "me singing make a man out of you" for some hilarious teens who think they are hard-asses because they can sing Mulan badly. Except this kid, he's downright adorable (until he starts clapping and singing the sad Mulan song):

Since I seem to be in a video-spamming mood at the moment, you may as well watch this one. It's a literal-version play by play of the 80's "please God make it stop" hit, Total Eclipse of the Heart, and if you think that sounds dumb, well then you're dumb because it's funny as hell! (warning, side-effects include: unwillingly singing the literal version for days on end because you can't get it out of your head, inability to ever listen to the proper lyrics again, slo-mo dove, zombie choir boys, ninjas and occasional rectal bleeding)

This song will now be playing in your head nonstop for the next week and a half. You're welcome. was pretty average for the Tuesday From Hell, I actually got a 89 on that motherfucking stats test! BOO-YAH! (it's an ironic boo-yah, I swear). And I am currently working on a picture that makes me giggle inside that I will put up tomorrow. It *WOULD* have been up today but my scanner-monkey is at his boyfriend's house, doing couple-y things like not leaving his door unlocked so I could pillage his scanner because the library's closed. :(

I feel like I should be talking about Healthcare or something since the bill passed on Sunday, but to be honest, I can't really be bothered to care. I've often felt like I should be more aware of what's going on in my country, but then I flip on the news and remember why I purposely ignore what's going on in my country: The government is full of butt-sniffing morons

Now before you get all "SugaryCynic, why do you hate America? Do you not appreciate your many freedoms? Are you a Communist? Why are you a Communist? Die, Commie-pig!!"
I would just like to say that America is a pretty cool place and I am rather fond of living here as opposed to other places. But one of the things that makes America awesome is that you are supposed to be allowed to criticize it when it's being retarded without fear of being shot in the ass by a rabid republican. But I'm not just picking on the conservatives, though they strike me as more likely to riot from sheer stupidity. There's a reason my voter ID says Independent and that's because Democrats a ginormous weenies. I do believe humorist/genius/guy who lives in my effing hometown Dave Barry said it best:

"The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery. They're the kind of people who'd stop to help you change a flat, but would somehow manage to set your car on fire. I would be reluctant to entrust them with a Cuisinart, let alone the economy. The Republicans, on the other hand, would know how to fix your tire, but they wouldn't bother to stop because they'd want to be on time for Ugly Pants Night at the country club."

And when I turn on the TV and see grown men calling Senators racial slurs, baby-killers and worse, I remember why I instead choose to immerse myself in pop culture until these old bastards die off and we'll be in charge.

Because our generation has proved time and again it has what it takes to lead America!

Ok, rant over. Time to end this sucker on a lighter note. For some reason I had like, no voice this morning and I have no idea why.I kept coughing and it continued into the afternoon and by dinner had mysteriously vanished, along with the cough. WTF?! Mini-black lung? The point of this is that I sounded all raspy and ridiculous and the best point of comparison I can think of is Christopher Lambert as Raiden in Mortal Kombat:

Basically. (Also, Raiden's kind of a jackass, which was lost on me when I watched this as a small child)

See ya tomorrow, which sort of like the future, but not nearly as cool.

"Look, you don't have to read the whole book, feel free to rape and pillage, just rape and pillage responsibly!" -Dr. Edwards, literature professor/viking warlord

Monday, March 22, 2010

Music Monday with guest author JLust!

Good music.

Great music.

Now we've covered that, I'd like to introduce myself as JLust, guest author for today's Music Monday and current record holder of World's Oddest Taste in Music and Biggest Macaroni Sculpture of An R&B Singer From The 70's. I know what all of you readers are thinking, and to preemptively answer, yes, I am writing here today because The Sugary Cynic finally finished that time machine she's been working on!

You got TIME to PARTY?

So, without further ado, here is my Music Monday!

1. In & Out of Weeks by A.M. Architect. A.M. Architect is an electronica/hip-hop duo with jazz and ambient influences. In English that means they play pretty guitar music with the sounds of fizzle wizzles in the background. They're newest single is an absolute audio treat that couples together rich melodies with a stay-in-your-head-all-day-god-make-it-stop catchiness that most musicians in this genre lack. This song is a free download and should absolutely not be tossed aside by people who are frightened of the words electronica, distorted, and architect.

In & Out Of Weeks by A.M Architect

2. Osaka Loop Line by Discovery. It's Vampire Weekend with synth and nonsense lyrics about Japan and heartbreak. Perfect :')

3. Truth ft. Passion Pit by Chiddy Bang. The fact that this is a rap song that has a Passion Pit sample should make most people be fumbling to pull up they're pants at this point. Chiddy Bang is a four piece hip-hop band that utilizes smooth samples, strong lyrics with a wonderful lack of crappy rap cliches, and a unique psuedo-electronic sound that still rocks a mean kick drum. This track really shines because of great sample and clever flow that vocalist Chidera “Proto” Anamege seems to bring along to every song. With rarely a weak song, this entire mixtape is eargasmic and must be found as soon as possible.

4. The Winner by Drake. Ignoring Drake is like ignoring a magical wizard that can shoot million dollar bills out of his butt, not only is it impossible to look away from, it's just a magical sight. I'm not a big fan of mainstreamish rap, but Drake rips it up on this track and "Tha Bizness" (he probably has a vendetta against spelling) produces a very pleasant and different beat unlike most Drake songs. So dig this until Drake's album drops, which will probably be in 2038.

5. Beat Laments The World by Nujabes. Most people will say that Nujabes makes instrumental jazzy hip-hop, but I say that he makes some of the most honest, powerful, and soulful music ever created. Nujabes was a Japanese producer who sadly passed away in late February of this year, his death being a terrible loss in the hip-hop community. But, his legacy lives on through songs like this and the spread of his music. Ignore everything else and just listen to this song :D R.I.P. Nujabes, my musical idol.

Well, I hope you enjoyed my eclectic music tastes and hi-larious remarks! Until next time!

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Sean Connery Movie Sunday/What Happens When You Don't Regularly Check Your Mail

Hey guys! Guesswhatguesswhatguesswhatguesswhat!! (The what is that I haven't checked my email in an egregiously long time) I was sifting through a kabillion facebook updates, feeling generally irresponsible when this happened:

Thanks for pimping us on your blog. Glad you have no (or only a little) shame in sharing with the world that you love our band. That "Super Mario's Sleigh Ride" track is probably the most popular thing we've ever done and it was 8 friggin' years ago! Whew.

We're coming out with our "Super Mario Kart Album" soon - almost the entire original "Super Mario Kart" soundtrack on SNES redone by the band. Gonna be a lot of fun. And since you're so cool, I'll let you in a little secret - it comes out April 20. So there ya go! NO ONE knows this yet - even in a guy in the band doesn't know!!! (he missed practice this week LOL)

Thanks again for the pimpage. And remember, if you want to show your friends, you can always hear both albums in their entirety on the Web at

My best,


The OneUps


I'm done. Well folks, you heard it here first, they have a new album that drops April 20th, and I will make it mine!!

In other news, I suck at paper writing, internship finding and just basically being a fully-functioning adult being. Thankfully, this does not impede on my ability to watch and review Sean Connery films. And so, forthwith (I love that word, it's so fun to say, I said as I typed it and felt happy inside. Go on, brighten your day and say forthwith) here is this week's Sean Connery movie:

Never Say Never Again!

I actually don't really have a joke, this is exactly what the movie is comprised of

So I had made a point not to do a Bond movie the first few Sundays because it seems like such a cop-out but this is my favorite Sean Connery Bond movie, (ironic because it's the non-canon one) so I hope that makes it better. Just to say it, the best Bond movie period, in my humble(cough) opinion is GoldenEye, the ever-sexiful Pierce Brosnan's first Bond movie. Not only did it have an on-the-toilet death, an evil double-o agent and a FUCKING TANK CHASE, it also had the terrifying villainess Xenia Onatopp, as played by Famke Janssen, who killed people with her thighs and gave dudes confused boners everywhere. But that is neither here or nor there. It's Connery time! (I'm so trademarking that)

Never Say Never Again came out in 1983 and (title-wise) worked as a joke because Sean Connery had famously said after doing Diamonds Are Forever that he was sick of James Bond and done with it, actually what he literally said was: "I have always hated that damn James Bond. I'd like to kill him." I can't really blame him, Diamonds Are Forever was a weird-ass Bond movie, with Connery as a chubby and irate Bond, a creepy assassin duo who were also a gay couple and Plenty O'Toole, the most awkward Bond girl name since Pussy Galore.

But never say never (cue canned audience laughter) because he found himself taking the torch back from Roger Moore for one more Aston Martin ride into the sunset. Never Say Never Again opens with another damn Bond fake-out where they "kill" him in the opening credits, this was already an old trick and it turns out to be (gasp) a training exercise that Bond fails miserably, prompting the new M to comment on the fact that Bond is old, kind of out of shape, and needs to stop swigging martinis and shagging ladies and focus on being a secret agent...apparently no one bothered to tell new M that that's pretty much all there is to being a secret agent.

Slap a drink in his hand and he's one step closer to saving the world. Job well done!

But new and improved priss-meister M will have none of it and sends Bond off to a health spa to get him back in fighting form. While there, Bond...sexes nurses and indulges in contraband booze. Way to go, M. But not all is well in health spa-land and Bond stumbles on an evil plot involving a pilot, nuclear weapons and his old pals from SPECTRE. This leads to a fairly awesome fight through the spa against a huge henchman dude that Bond eventually defeats by throwing his urine sample at think I'm kidding. Well get used to that feeling because that's nothing compared to what's coming up.

So Bond has stop SPECTRE's new golden boy Maximilian Largo (Klaus Maria Brandauer) from holding the world hostage via nuclear warheads. He does this by going to the Bahamas and meeting up with Domino Petachi (Kim Basinger), sister to the pilot Largo used to steal the warheads and later killed. Domino is completely oblvious of this fact and is actual Largo's girlfriend. In setting up their relationship we get some really boring scenes of Domino doing ballet whilst hyper-jealous Largo spies on her and her teacher. Meh. Then back to Bond and his MI6 liason - hey waittaminute! Is that Mr. Bean?!

It totally is. This was actually Rowan Atkinson's first movie. He already had his clueless look down pat.

Bond engages in a videogame duel Largo invented that shocks you painfully if you lose (not kidding), motorcycle chases and sex with lady-baddie Fatima Blush (Barbara Carrera) who he later kills with an exploding pen while she tries to get him to write a confession that she was the best sex he ever had before she kills him...still not kidding. In fact, because that scene was not ridiculous enough, it turns out Felix Leiter, Bond's CIA pal, was standing off in the shadows the ENTIRE TIME. When Bond asks the perfectly reasonable question of why did Felix not apprehend Fatima Blush, he dickishly replies that it looked like Bond had it handled. Yeah. So instead of taking her into custody and interrogating her, she's been pen-bombed. One thing cool about Felix in this movie though is that it's the first time he was portrayed by a black actor, which wouldn't happen again until Daniel Craig took on the name of Bond in 2006. (Yeah, when they have the black guy play Felix, they make him a dick. Nice going, movie).

Moving right along, Bond and Felix follow Largo to France and Bond sneaks on Largo's yacht where he does the cultured villain shtick and treats him like a guest before leading him to his DOOM. Also at this point Domino has totally fallen in love with Bond and realizes Largo is not the best boyfriend material, what with the taking the world hostage and murdering her brother dealie. Largo gets pissed and sells her to some Arab stereotypes but Bond saves her, finds Largo's hideout and has an incredibly crappy finale fight underwater. It's foggy and terrible and makes me sad inside. Anyway, typical Bond ending, blahblahblah, see above photo of Sean Connery and Kim Basinger in a lagoon.

So, it's a fun movie that in no way takes itself too seriously. Largo is surprisingly complex, his love for Domino making him a more human (read: irritating) villain. While Carrera is incredibly entertaining as Fatima Blush, Basinger is dead-in-the-water boring and I kept wondering why the hell Largo was so freakishly attached to her in the first place. Overall, it's a silly, fun ride that you ought to not think too much about. Three catapults out of five because the Connery proved that he still had the goods to be the Bond the world knew and loved.

See you tomorrow for whatever randomness may come and thanks to the OneUps for writing me and just generally being the coolest dudes.

I couldn't decide on my favorite quote from the movie so here's two:

M: "Too many free radicals. That's your problem."
James Bond: "Free radicals, sir?"
M: "Yes. They're toxins that destroy the body and the brain, caused by eating too much red meat and white bread and too many dry martinis!"
James Bond: "Then I shall cut out the white bread, sir."

Q: "Good to see you Mr. Bond. Things've been awfully dull 'round here. I hope we're going to see some gratuitous sex and violence in this one!"

Saturday, March 20, 2010

'Cause It's The Best Day Eveeeerrrr!

And I hate Spongebob with a violent passion, so that should give you an idea of my mood right now.

Ok so, sorry about yesterday, it was spent discovering terrible parks (it's in the middle of the forest! And three feet to the left from US1), procrastinating on papers and eventually playing Mario Kart. I utilized many fantastic swears that I've picked up from Roomie Laura and kicked a sufficient amount of ass, though I felt bad for Akiva because that boy cannot videogame his way out of a paper bag. (Actually, I'm not sure how that would work, exactly)

Something like this, I suppose...

Also we went to McDonalds, which is open at 3am, and the employees are very upset about this, that's the best explanation I have for the terrifying amount of bitchery we faced at the drive-thru:

drive-thru lady: Whatchu want?

Me to Akiva: Snack wrap!

Akiva: One snack wrap?

drive-thru lady: We got the numbah two, the numbah three and numbah four!

(The number two was a quarter-pounder so I asked Akiva to ask for a cheeseburger because I didn't want a whole quarter-pounder and how hard is it for them to just put one patty on the bun instead of two?)

Apparently harder than I thought because...


So we got a number 2.

Then we pulled up to the pay window and as we payed we heard her doing it to the people in the car behind us...

drive-thru lady: What's yo drink? (10 second pause) WHAT'S YO DRANK? (not a spelling mistake, also another ten second pause) WHAT IS YO DRAAANK?!

(TERROR) Can we please go to Taco Bell next time? They're much more apathetic after midnight

Yeah. (Epilogue: There was only one patty on my quarter-pounder anyway)

So then after we had gotten back and I was about to collapse in bed I realized that I had not posted for friday and made the horrific and painful post you see below this one. Because I am just THAT dedicated. Also, that picture of Hilary Clinton will haunt me until the day I die....Her eyes...the staring...O.o So yeah, extra-long post today to make up for last night's ridiculosity. Continuing! I woke up today with that darn raccoon in my skull (read thursday's post for clarification) but perked up quick to take part in what is fast becoming school tradition: Open House Pillow Fight. Open House is when all the prospective student mucnhkins come by and get shepherded around the prettiest parts of campus. In the Open House in November, as a gag, a bunch of guys had a pillow fight on the rec field and it actually ended up on MyLifeIsAverage which, because we are such a nerdy-ass school, was the coolest thing ever.

"Today, I was on a campus tour on Open House Day. I walked out of a building to witness a very intense 30 person pillow fight on a large recreation field. The tour guide was speechless. I know where I'm going to college. MLIA"

This was us. Fo' serious, it was on the exact day and we did all the back-checking and yeah, basically we rule.

So it was done again, this time organized on Facebook, and I brought a foam sword along with my did at least three other guys (I kind of heart my college). We screamed such inspiring things as "FREEDOM!" "FOR NARNIA!" and "AIM FOR THE TITS!" and brought pillow-related awe unto the lives of countless visiting high schoolers. One can only hope we make it on MLIA again :D

Ah, but the awesome does not end there! Today was my laundry day and I kind of had a crap-ton of laundry as well as spindly, useless T-rex arms

Me, 65 Million years ago, desperately attempting to carry my (invisible) laundry basket

So instead I put it on my skateboard and pushed it along, clever girl that I am. I kicked it along, kicked it too hard and the front shot up and my laundry basket was frozen in the wheelie-popped position! Of course I took a picture on my phone, but can't figure out how to get it on my computer, so for now you must imagine the awesomeness of my skateboarding laundry. Imagine harder! HARDER! WHAT'S YO DRAAANK?!

...Ok, time for me to put said laundry in the dryer and actually get some work done. Or fall asleep listening to The Police, either way. But first, I found this and believe I have stumbled onto some kind of conspiracy:

THE CONNERY IS A ROBOT! (Or that water from the Holy Grail in Last Crusade wasn't a prop)

All righty, see you tomorrow for the continuing adventures of SugaryCynic! (theme music plays)

"How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak" -From the SNL sketch, "Deep Thoughts from Jack Handy"


ok, friday blog. Um, I didn't do much, we went to a park and it was a shitty park but i climbed a tree and akiva carried me around on his shoulders and I was like unto a GOD. yeah, I know this is mostly pointless and prolly horrifically misspelled, but nonetheless I must keep my record of daily blogging alive!!! (never mind that its technically saturday) The roast of Joan Rivers is on but im sleepy so goodnight :D (wheeeee) Also, here's a picture of the greatest thing ever:

"The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"" -Texts From Last Night

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Can You Be Ironic Ironicly?

Or does that just bring you back around to sincerity? If you can't tell from that gem, my Stats test left me with all the brainpower of a squishy pile of jam...or, alternatively, Miley Cyrus (Apparently I'm having a Pick On Hannah Montana Week). Still, I think I did ok and in the nature of the generally unstable person, have swung around to cheerful. so Happy Thursday! Or, if you celebrated St. Patrick's Day, Happy Hangover Day :D I will try not to be too loud lest I disturb the angry hangover raccoon in your skull...not that I know anything about hangover raccoons (innocent whistling)

Because The Hangover movie poster would have been too obvious, and also because everything's a little better when it involves kittens

So for the past week or so Shakespeare has kind of become a game of find the dick joke. I mean, we're still doing criticism and analyzing and all the boring stuff, but you don't want to hear about that (and if you do, I am slightly weirded out by your intense geekiness) so I'm just focusing on the immaturely hilarious stuff. Anyway, I always knew Shakespeare, for all that my high school teachers "masterpiece theater'd" him, pandered to his audience with all kinds of dirty humor, it's just only in college and I'm learning to spot the really obscure ones and realizing just how many there are. How many? LOTS. So much that me and my fellow Shakespeare sufferers decided that if I ever became a literature professor (perish the thought) that I would teach a course entitled: Shakespeare, Genitalia and You.

Now picture him holding a up penis Hamlet-style and you have a pretty good idea of what my class would entail. Basically:

(Thud of complete works of Shakespeare hitting a desk) "This is Twelfth Night. Now find all the penises!"

or: "I want a five page paper of all the insinuated vaginas in A Midsummer Night's Dream!"

or even: "Now explain how this dick joke sheds light on character motivation!" "...he's motivated by dick?" "Sure! Why not?"

What glorious times they would be. (This is why I should not be allowed anywhere near developing young minds, seriously, I managed to teach a class of five year olds one summer the basic towel-related tenets of The Hitchhiker's Guide to The Galaxy)

In other news, I look forward to a night of being all alone because everyone on campus and their little dog too is going to see Wicked, which I have roughly zero interest in. I'm not knocking the play, I'm just not that into it (also because if I knocked it the legions of Wicked fans, second only to maybe Twilight Fans or Trekkies in viciousness, would hurt me, possibly in the form of a house)

Look, dropping a house on me was bad enough, but do I have to wear these shoes? They pinch the toes something awful...

Well, I won't be all alone, I suppose. Roomie Arlene is probably sitting in the common room right now, waiting to bludgeon me to death with an xbox controller for kicking her ass in Scene It last night. It was very Darth Vader and Luke, in the "battle between the master and the newcomer in which the newcomer kicks the master's ass" sort of way, as opposed to the "Arlene is my father" scenario, which would raise a whole bevy of disturbing questions. The main point to take away from this was that I bested her in three rounds out of five and that she felt the stinging shame of defeat...except for this one question where the answer was Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade and she figured it out before I did, taking care to RUB IT IN MY FACE WITH THE FORCE OF A MALLET.

Obviously, the proper thing to do would be ritualistic samurai-style suicide, aka seppeku, to restore my honor, but since my only swords here are foam ones, dropping to the couch and begging the almighty Connery for forgiveness had to suffice.


All right, time for me to saunter down to the Dining Hall and experience the crushing disappoint of what dinner has to offer...yay.

"A taste for irony has kept more hearts from breaking than a sense of humor, for it takes irony to appreciate the joke which is on oneself" -Jessamyn West

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