Sunday, February 28, 2010

Sean Connery Sunday: Entrapment

Hello people of Earth and also Canada, I just got back from seeing Cop Out (movie theaters are pretty much where all my job money goes) and despite generally negative press, I loved the hell out of it. Bruce Willis and Tracey Morgan are damn funny together and play off each other well but Sean William Scott steals the movie as a parkour-ing criminal. Seriously, Sean William frickin Scott who I normally find more irritating than a mouthful of wasps, runs away with the movie. Also, the supporting cast is great too, Kevin Pollak and the incredibly cute Adam Brody (from the OC, not the guy with the nose) are both very funny as "the other" cop team. Only Jason Lee is criminally underused as the evil step-dad as a rival for Bruce Willis. He's in the movie for like, five minutes. Anyway, it stalls in some parts and Tracey Morgan does a poop joke that just goes on way too long but overall I was laughing pretty consistently and that's what I came to do. Three catapults out of five.

Ok, now on to the actual review of the day. Entrapment, the story of an old thief, a young thief, and the intensely awkward love that binds them together.
It is not, unfortunately, about Sean Connery shrinking down Catherine Zeta Jones in an experiment gone terribly wrong

I first saw this movie on Starz or Showtime or somesuch. It was halfway over but I figured I could catch up and get some Sean Connery related goodness. Except not, because I could not understand what the balls was going on. Was this person a good guy? Wait, he was just talking to that guy, is he undercover? Is she a cop or pretending? What the hell is Ving Rhames doing?! (ok that one's easy, it's what Ving Rhames is ALWAYS doing: being awesome) Well, I mused to myself, this must be a high-caliber thriller full of twists and turns! I should watch it from the beginning to fully understand this complex plot. So I did, and as you can probably guess,

I DID NOT UNDERSTAND A GODDAMN THING

Not because it was a twisty thriller but because the writing is terrible. It stars Catherine Zeta Jones as Gin, an insurance agent who gets to act like a secret agent trying to figure out who's stealing all these expensive-ass paintings. She does all this detective work that makes me highly doubtful that actual insurance agents get to have that much fun or are ever even that sexy:
All in an insurance agent's day's work (insert a bow-chicka-bowow here)

Anyway, this Rembrandt painting is stolen and Gin suspects famous crusty old art thief Mac (that would be Sir Connery), who is somehow both super famous but also a highly professional never-seen ghost-thief. Go figure. Gin goes undercover as a thief to entrap Mac into stealing art and getting him caught. Because this is what insurance agents do, right? What follows are about eight million scenes of Gin having to prove herself as a thief and learning from Mac, all to the tune of DEEPLY UNCOMFORTABLE SEXUAL TENSION. This is where it gets fun. Now I realize Hollywood is in the habit of pairing up younger ladies with older dudes but let's glance at the numbers, shall we? At the time of filming, Zeta-Jones was thirty, Connery was sixty-nine. (nine year old kid moment) And they do it. Ewwww....I mean it does make Sean Connery that much more of a pimp but just yuck.

Ok, I'm over it. (Not really, but we're continuing anyway). Mac figures out that Gin's with the popo and she convinces him that insurance agent is just a cover for her thievery at the same time as telling her boss that she totally has this entrapment thing in the bag. She convinces Mac to do "one last job" in Malaysia of all places that hinges on Y2K, a plot device that obviously does not stand the test of time....and then they have sex and I have to leave the room and jab a spork in my eyeballs. Anyway, I don't know how the heist works, I don't care and while all this is going on the cop's may or may not be on to everything, Gin may or may not be a real thief, I still don't know why Ving Rhames is even in this movie as he constantly switches sides between Mac and the fuzz and of course the heist goes wrong and of course Gin and Mac get split up and of course he tells her where to meet up with him claiming "if I'm late, I'm dead" so OF COURSE he's late and Gin freaks out only to discover that the insurance folks knew she was a dirty liar and Mac was helping them entrap HER. Except no! This was all a ruse and Gin and Mac do some improbable train boarding tricks and ride off into the sunset in love for no real reason. (deep exhale).

Whereas Finding Forrester is at least fun and (ugh) heart-warming, this movie is bad. Admittedly it is often it is funny-bad but mostly just bad. The plot is stupid and makes no sense, Catherine Zeta-Jones and Sean Connery have all the chemistry of a dead moose, which changes their romance from improbable to plain old icky. For guys, the scene where Mac trains Gin to dodge alarm lasers by making her contort herself through lines of yarn is quite sexy, but ladies, unless you like your guys old, Scottish and kinda pervy than you got nothing. One and half catapults out of five. Because it is still better than a bludgeoning to the head.

And that's me done. I promise next week I will review a good Sean Connery movie (they're out there, I promise!). Tomorrow's music monday will be movie score composers, which I look forward to with an unnatural amount of girlish glee. See you then!

Gin: "Look what you've done to that beautiful car!"
Mac: "Thank God it's not mine.

Saturday, February 27, 2010

Silly (Astoundingly so) Picture Saturday

How's it hanging? Really, that low? Well how are the kids? You sold them for how much? Damn. Me? I got a snappy new hat and a batman shirt fo' cheap! ^_^ there is really few things better than your cashier saying "you saved forty-one dollars today!" AWESOME. After that, we went out to John Smith's Subs where I had a yummy steak sub...and then we went next door to Publix where I threw it all up. Yaaaay. Classy blog is classy.

Anywhoo, not too much to report on today, especially after last night's blogobonanza of pictures and random whatnot. My new hat is awesome and I wear it at a jaunty angle and...yeah, I'm stalling on the picture. Building the anticipation, stirring the pot of suspense, folding the sheets of- hey! Did you just scroll down and look?! Jerk. Ok, fine here it is, possibly the greatest non-sequitur ever to be contained in picture form:

WHAT. THE. FUCK.

I have not the faintest idea of the context behind this picture, nor do I want to. It is much more interesting too contemplate the questions it raises on my own. Like, what does Sean Connery find so funny? Is it the GIANT WOODEN FISH in Johnny Depp's hands? Why is Johnny holding a large wooden fish? Is it some kind of lifetime fish achievement award? Did he beat Sean Connery in a seafood-eating contest?

And why does Johnny Depp look less than pleased with his wooden fish and whatever Sean finds so amusing? Did he just tell a corny joke? Like "Well Johnny, I suppose that plaque makes things "Official". Hahhaha, get it? O-fish-al! Hahaha!" and Johnny's all "Heh yeah, Sean...I get it. I also got it the first twenty times you said it."

I invite, nay, URGE, everyone who reads this blog to leave a comment with what you think they might be saying to each other. The person I consider funniest gets a special prize (no they don't), which might be a cookie! (no it's not). That's all for now, come back tomorrow for the Sean Connery movie review. I'm out, because it's brownie time and that takes precedence over most everything else in my life. See ya laters!

"I would do anything Tim [Burton] wanted me to. You know - have sex with an aardvark... I would do it." -Johnny Depp (I am not making this up, go check it yourself)

Friggin' Random Friday(ish)

I can no longer use the warped time thingy to hide the fact that I usually don't make a post until it's technically the next day because...(drum roll please)I fixed the time zone thingamabob! So now it reads the actual time instead of whatever time it is in Middle Earth, and you all can share in my shame as I update late. Cuz that's what shame is for: Sharing.



To continue, last night I bonded with roomie Arlene over Firefly episodes, which got me all nostalgic and today I ended up downloading all the music from the show and my ears haven't been this happy since I discovered this song:

....Don't judge me.

Anyway, I love the soundtrack from the movie but the show's one really is better, it has the Old West feel that the movie version just didn't quite capture. It also has frickin fantastic range, from the western kind of feel to Chinese and also River's Dance, which all folksy Irish. Unfortunately, the one thing it didn't have was Jayne Cobb, hero of Canton, which is a bummer, because it even had the opening theme song...oh well, we can't everything.

"How's it sit? Pretty cunning, don't you think?"

ALL HATS SHOULD BE DESCRIBED IN THIS MANNER.

Also it is cold as balls here. (what sort of balls? I dunno, cold ones,I suspect). I realize that it is in fact cold pretty much all over the place and that people are snowbound and shoveling their walks and just generally being much colder, but dammit I live in South Florida and reserve the right to complain when the weather starts acting all crazy-like. It's the end of February (horrible truth, had to use spell check to properly spell February) and I can see my breath outside. WHAT THE CRAP. Florida has two seasons: Shoe-meltingly hot and shoe-meltingly hot whilst pouring rain. Except I can see my breath outside and I am running out of layers to wear! To be fair, I am a weenie in terms of cold and am probably wearing more layers than everyone else but I am tiny and don't conduct body heat. Think of those weird hairless little yappy dogs that are always shaking like they're in withdrawal. I am that small yappy dog. Anyway, I just feel like Florida fell into the Twilight Zone in terms of weather:

"You're traveling through another dimension, a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind...and also batshit weather that doesn't correspond to your general region."

All right, all right I'm sucking it up and moving on. Let's see now, I could talk to you about the whole Star Trek thing but that's going to have its own comic so it's really more of a TGIT thing so just be patient and wait. Ah! I know, I will tell you the paper story!

THE PAPER STORY
So I had already posted on my attempts at paper-ing my damn paper and that they weren't going so great. At around 4am-ish last night I was starting to go big-time, nodding off in front of my computer and such. The paper was about (putting this simplistically for all you people who don't spend your time locked away, anti-socially reading literature by dead white British people) the definitions of love and personality in Emma and Wuthering Heights. I was up to the Emma bit, talking about how she's digging on this guy Mr. Knightley when for whatever reason, halfway through the sentence I write: "Well, at least astronaught."

And it doesn't end there. I tried to fix the spelling of astronaut like five times, my brain refusing to use spell check before I woke up and took the metaphorical step back and said "What the balls am I doing?" There was nothing in this paper to do with astronauts, I had neither read nor watched anything related to astronauts and decided based on these facts that it was time to call it a night. Something told me I wasn't going to be writing anymore gems that night. So I get it done pretty much RIGHT before the thing is due only to discover that nearly everyone got an extension til tomorrow. >.< wheeeeeeeeeeeeee

On that note, I am going to bed before I start Mars Rover...just kidding. :D. See you all tomorrow for Silly Picture Saturday, and man I have what may be the greatest picture known to the whole of mankind. (not to raise your hopes or anything.) Peace out!

Wash: "A man walks down the street in that hat, people know he's not afraid of anything,"
Jayne: "Damn straight!"
-Alan Tudyk and Adam Baldwin, discussing the wondrous Jayne Hat.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Thank God It's Thursday 2

TGI Thursday dudes and decidedly-not-dudes! I'm procrastinating on a paper right now to tell you about how I procrastinated on a paper last night (meta!). I spent four hours of last night in a nerdtastic shanty-town of computers and students waiting for free Disney tickets. Cuz Disney's the happiest place on earth goddammit and it's that much happier when it's free. So we all sat around pretending to do work while Sacha played videogames, I watched the Nostalgia Critic (go youtube his review of Kazaam, it's a fucking riot) and Alexa, resident cartoonist and biology nerd, was reading my blog. I leaned over her shoulder to see what she was up to and BLOG! Was she just doing it to bee nice cuz she was sitting next me? Dunno, don't care, the ego needs food. :D Alexa has an awesome webcomic-mabobber called the Daily Sketch which gets way more readers than me so she probably doesn't need the plug :p

Not much to report right now, watching Firefly, thinking about maybe possibly getting work done at some future point in time. Also, no actual comic today, I haven't had time to draw one up but I do have a doodle that I am irrationally proud of because I've been practicing body proportions like crazy, most recently elbows so my characters don't look quite so much like jelly-armed freaks. Anyway, I've been weirdly nostalgic for Super Mario lately and have been doodling younger versions of Mario and Luigi and so:

Mario And Luigi Super Pose!


Click that bizzatch!!

That's all for now. Paper needs paper-ing and whatnot. See ya tomorrow for wanton randomness!

"It's-a me, Mario!"

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Writing Wednesday (it's Wednesday, right?)

I am losing track of time. Like whoah. It's weird because even in Freshman year when I was all "zomg! the world of college is strange and frightening to me! Why is that man not wearing pants!?" I didn't have this balancing act issue I've been having this semester. I feel like I always have a horribly pressing deadline, like I'm always behind on something and rushing to pick up the slack and as a result the quality of my work turns to shit. I'm a junior for fuck's sake, I shouldn't be having these issues til thesis next year (fork of lightning followed by an ominous crack of thunder)....ok, I better stop before I start going all "livejournal" on you ;D

Anyway, things of note: Hollywood has been spying on me again, and before you say "paranoid delusion" how else do you explain the new movie "When You're Strange" which features rare, formerly unseen footage of The Doors and Jim Morrison, and is narrated by Johnny Depp? That's what I thought. But hey, if spying on me makes movies of my favorite things, by all means continue! (And hopefully we'll soon see a movie where Iron Man and Wolverine fall madly in love and fight a robot Kraken.)

"Logan, you make me want to be a better man"

"Bub, you melt my adamantium heart,"

"Now let's go kill that thing there!"

Don't act like you don't want it.

Also, the take-out cups in the dining hall have LIDS again!! You have no idea how exciting this is!! LIDS!! If you've ever suffered the infinite joys of "coffee crotch" then you understand.

All that stands between you and a lap full of third-degree hazelnut-mocha burns

I suppose I should get to the "writing" part of Writing Wednesday, or just rename it Ramblin' Wednesday, though that name would imply a significantly lower IQ and the loss of several teeth. Writing Wednesday it is. For your viewing pleasure today we have another poem, because I don't have the free time to write anything significantly longer:

I Dreamt The Moon

I dreamt one night the moon came down
From its perch high in the sky

I dreamt the moon, he was a man
In a mad, silvery cape of stars

I dreamt for hours that we danced
Swirling twirling across the darkness

I dreamt we were lit up from the inside, a mirror shining out
He held me close and whispered night sounds in my ear

I dreamt he vanished and I fell to earth
Landing softly on a bed of grass

Now the morning sun snakes its way down my back
And I dream we will dance again


Inspired by I dunno, stuff. Unfortunately there is not a fascinating story behind everything I do. So instead I am going to lie and say that me and Sean Connery were traversing the Gobi Desert on a dare when suddenly we were kidnapped by angry Mongol hordes. Their plan was to keep us as slaves and the chief wanted Sean as his personal concubine, (I think he had a thing for Scots). So I asked if there was anyway we could go free and the head warlord dude told me (it's a good thing I took intro to Mongolian in middle school) that if I could write poetry that could move him to tears he would free us. So I wrote this poem and the warlord listened to it, his eyes growing wide...because while I had distracted him with poetry, Sean had escaped and bashed him upside the head with a wok. Cause woks are handy like that. The End.

See you tomorrow with a comic, for now I must go fret and occasionally be productive.

Iron Man: "Look, Logan, this...this is wrong,"
Wolverine: "Tony, there ain't nothing wrong with a battle against giant robot Krakens bringing two heroes together...besides, Chuck and the X-men are out at a peace summit"
Iron Man: ".......I'll call Jarvis and tell him not to wait up"
-Robert Downey Jr. and Hugh Jackman, "Iron Man and Wolverine vs. The Kraken: A Love Story"

Terrible Tuesday (murrrr)

Terrible Tuesday is terrible. So tired, so much crap left to do, so much time wasted playing Sporcle (which is, unfortunately, not nearly as dirty as it sounds). Buuuuhhhhh....I need to to do real work and then pass out. Also I am craving Ramen right now. Isn't that just friggin ridiculous? Way to be a college stereotype. But my body desires saaaallllt!!! ok when that sort of spelling starts happening, I know it's time to stop. Sorry for the small-ass post (as opposed to the regular-ass post) but at least I am still updating every day! (sticks tongue out at brenda). I leave you to contemplate this picture of a Mr. T sock monkey. Rest assured, he pities the fool.



"You...are...my...butterstick!" -Ryan Stiles, Wayne Brady and Drew Carey on Whose Line Is It Anyway

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Music Monday: Songs That Make Mundane Tasks Awesome

So the big news hereabouts is that the Dalai Lama is in town. I won't be going to see him as tickets are mad expensive and also because I know if I went I would do something horribly inappropriate like kidnap the Dalai Lama for a kickin spring break road trip where we would have wacky adventures, sick parties and learn that friendship is the greatest gift of all (rated PG-13 for brief language, alcohol use and free Tibet). But today's post is not about the Dalia Lama, unless he listens to Shing02, which is unlikely, but I'll give him the benefit of a doubt...

Something tells me he's more of Kanye West kind of guy

Anyway, today's musical theme is songs that make mundane tasks seem awesome. Whether you are clipping your toenails, doing laundry or emptying kitty's litter box, put on one of these songs and suddenly the fate of the free world depends on you cleaning up Mr. Wuddlemuffin's poo.

1. 400 by Shing02. It has the sickest beat, a rhythm that instantly brings your brain to a Kill Bill-esque place where people with guns and black belts are waiting to fight you. Good work out song, also a good song to play in the background while you and your brother stage an elaborately choreographed BB gun shootout...not that I have ever done that:



2. Diamond by Klint. From the soundtrack of the Guy Ritchie gangster flick Snatch, this is the song that turns taking out the garbage into a dangerous heist. One second you're dragging the garbage bag behind you, the next you're flipping through bushes, rolling across the ground and slamming the garbage into the trash as the thrill of victory washes over you...Not that I've ever done this either:



3. Mystic and Severe by Ennio Morricone. You know who Ennio Morricone is, even if you don't. He's done hundreds of iconic movie scores, including this:


and because of this, is worshipped by Quentin Tarantino, who uses him all the time. The result is in Inglorious Basterds we get the extremely Western track Mystic and Severe. It starts with a slow simmer and builds to an awesome crescendo where you have a Mexican stand-off with your cat...nope, never done that either:



4. Dirty Orchestra by Black Violin. First off, Black Violin is kick-ass. They take classical music and proceed to awesome-ize by mixing it and throwing in some beats. Definitely a song to enact complicated gun-fu moves to while vacuuming the rug...oh hell, I do this one all the time:



5. Old Devil by Emancipator. Whoo boy, I am pretty much going to have to dedicate an entire Music Monday to him one day. Emancipator was put on this earth to create happiness for your ears. He is much chiller than anyone else on this list but all the same, once the banjo kicks in (yes, there's a banjo and it's amazing. He is THAT good) you're not dusting the furniture, you're alone in the mountains as the sun goes down, sword in hand, ready to fight the guy who's been tailing you since dawn...dude I wish I could say I've done that:


That's all for today folks, I gots me a French test in the morning, and with Emancipator's help, studying will become in exercise in duels to the death :D

"There was a theft! But, of course, if it was up to me, every two years I would win an Oscar" -Ennio Morricone

Monday, February 22, 2010

Sean Connery Sunday: Finding Forrester

Ok, apparently I am incapable of posting before midnight. Oh well, I cannot be bothered to keep normal hours like some sort of regularly functioning human being. Anwyays, today was uneventful, I managed to accomplish nothing but did buy another 1$ foam sword and this one had a cutlass-style handle so let it be known now that I have two foam swords, none may enter my room until they face me in single combat.


Oh, I'm sorry, did you want to ask me something? This needs to happen first.

So, for the first Sean Connery movie review I'm doing Finding Forrester in honor of the recently deceased JD Salinger, because it was pretty obvious that the movie about the reclusive author who wrote one wildly popular book and then decided to shun the world is based on Salinger. This has been admitted, I'm not just pulling it out of my butt. So, here's my review of Finding Forrester:


Sadly, it is not about Sean Connery kicking that kid's ass at basketball


The story centers on inner-city-genius-basketball prodigy Jamal, played by Rob Brown who went on to do such movies as...Take The Lead, that shitty movie about inner city kids dancing with Antonio Banderas and the guy who does Zuko's voice on Avatar...and yeah. I mention this because when this movie came out people wouldn't shut up about how natural a talent he was, and to his credit, he's really good in this movie. So what happened? Another story for another day, I suppose. Anyway, Jamal is a typical black kid in one of these sorts of movies: super smart but continually condescended to and patronized by old white dudes. This seriously happens like ten times. Old white guy makes condescending racial remark, Jamal shows off how smarty-pants he is. He lives in a cruddy apartment with his mom and Busta Rhymes and one day on a dare he breaks into the apartment of the Mysterious Old Shut-In who lives above the basketball court. He gets spooked by Sean Connery (and who wouldn't?) and leaves his backpack behind with all his little journal writings in it. Forrester, Sean Connery's character, is shocked that some punk kid can write such good stuff and the two become Unlikely Pals, Forrester showing Jamal how to hone his talents and follow his dreams, Jamal getting Forrester to utter such internet-famous lines such as "you're the man now, dog" (shudder).

Anyway, they bond and meanwhile Jamal's brainyness and basketball skills get him into a prep school where he meets Rogue from X-men and they have a cute little romance CHARGED WITH RACIAL TENSION. Also he has an english class with the Alpha Condescending White Guy, played by F. Murray Abraham, who has made a career playing pretentious assholes. He's in fine form here, playing a teacher who is unable to accept that Jamal can string two sentences together, let alone know anything about literature. They clash and it ends predictably, with Jamal showing his ass up with the help of Forrester and his Scottishness. In the end, Jamal learns to be ok with himself, basketball playing, book-writing and all, and Forrester has learned not to be such a crusty old shut-in. The ending is a cornyish tear-jerky and that is that.

Overall, it is cheesy and predictable story of unlikely buddies (he's old, white and ornery! He's young, black and hopeful!) The racial issues are handled pretty much as clumsily as I'm making them out to be and Forrester and Jamal are the only characters that aren't paper-thin. That being said, Rob Brown really IS talented and he and Connery have great back-and-forth in scenes that make writing look way more exciting than it actually is. It's a harmless feel-good film that certainly isn't the worst Sean Connery movie I'll review (wait for Highlander 2), and I would say is worth a rental. Two and a half catapults out of five.

That's it for this week's review! Next week: Entrapment or "feeling uncomfortable with Sean Connery and Catherine Zeta Jones"


Jamal: "I was wondering if I could bring you more of my stuff. Or maybe I could write something else"
Forrester: "How about 5,000 words on why you should stay the fuck out of my house!"

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Silly Picture Saturday

You know the drill by now, it's Saturday until I say it's not Saturday, 1:30 in the morning notwithstanding. I just got back from seeing Shutter Island and can say with certainty that I am never ever sleeping soundly again ever. I mean damn. I'd review it but I feel like I couldn't without spoiling the myriad of twists this movie takes. I know they say that about every psychological thriller but this one really and truly fucks with your head. And also scares the pee out of you. The cinematography is beautiful, the musical score is stunning and the acting is top-notch. And I never want to see it again. That's how much it disturbed me. So go see it, but know what you're in for going in. Three catapults out of five for mind-fucking me with terror.

On that note, let's have our silly picture:



This one's from awhile back (I use that term with infinite looseness) before I was a pink-haired harlot. The reason I am beside myself with glee is because I just hit a gong in a church and I feel as though few people can make such claims. It was also my first time in a church, not counting this one time Jon showed me the stained glass windows in his church but it was it closed at the time so I don't really count it. Anyways, since I have never been to a wedding and am of a fairly atheist bent, I had never been in a church whilst it was doing churchy things.

So my friend Val offered to us (us being me and various others) the opportunity to help her babysit some munchkins during a service thingamabob for an easy buck. We did and I got to watch VeggieTales for the first time, and it was actually an episode that parodied the third Indiana Jones movie so that worked out nicely. Also I met little kids with names like Steel and Hawk and man I am totally going to give my kids names like that. They will be tiny badasses. Anyway after a certain amount of time we were supposed to shepherd them (Jesus pun!) to the auditorium or whatever you call it so they could stand on stage and sing some song they'd been practicing. They did and it was fairly cute but all I could notice was that among all the other instruments on stage was A FREAKING GONG. I don't know when they use the gong, but they didn't then. Do all churches use gongs? Is this a thing I'm just out of the loop on?


"Let us now recite The Lord's Prayer" GOOOOOOONG!!

Anyway, I wouldn't shut up about the gong and proceeded to drive my friends nuts throughout the service:

"Can I-"

"No!"

"You didn't know what I was going to ask!"

"You were going to ask to hit the gong on stage."

"I....well can I?"

"NO."

And so forth. Finally, as Val's dad gave us a tour of the church, which was new or something, we came up to the stage and I gave my best wounded puppy look and inquired as to whether or not I could possibly strike a certain Eastern musical instrument.

And he was totally cool with it. Score! So I gonged the crap out of it and all was right with the world. And since my friends are weirdos, they took a picture. There you have it, the story of the church gong. Tell you friends. I'll see you tomorrow with a Sean Connery movie, but for now I am going to pass out and try really hard not to dream about island mental hospitals.

"Hey baby, why are you wet?" -Ben Kingsley as Dr. Cawley. Best out-of-context line EVER.

Friday, February 19, 2010

Friggin' Random Friday: drabbles, a joke and a movie

Hello, internet! How are you? I personally am feeling pretty chill. I have now been blogging for a week and dork that I am I find that pretty cool. Happy one week anniversary to me. :D


Fuck yeah, now THAT'S a cake!

Random End-Of-Week Thoughts

In Statistics yesterday, my adorably tiny Estonian professor had us flip coins to show that random events, when there are enough of them, tend to have normal distribution. (hooray for college!) anyway, she instructed, in her squeaky Estonian voice, to "Count how many times you get head as opposed to when you get tail" It was the fact that she looked so innocently ignorant of why people were giggling that made it so much funnier. I have learned that I am not mature enough to be a Statician. oh darn.


This right here, this is as sexy as Statistics gets


There's this senior girl Jennifer who every time she sees me she calls me Tonks, not because I'm an auror who can give myself a pig nose but because my hair is a mottled pink-purple right now.

Yeah that's me...just minus the eyebrow piercing...and my hair's a little longer...and I'm not nearly as awesome...

Anyway I'm totally cool with being called Tonks because I'm a huge Harry Potter fangirl and Tonks is bitching but I have the sneaking suspicion that she's doing it because, despite the fact that I'm really good friends with one of her really good friends, she has no clue what my actual name is. :p Still, if everyone called me Tonks, I'd be pretty ok with it. (and by pretty ok I mean hell yeah call me that)

Also, I got new roommates this semester because there was a room reshuffle due to many people taking off on study abroad and whatnot. Anyways, I got lucky and ended up with three awesome Senior girls who think my favorite prank of drawing theme dicks on the desktops of people who leave their computers on and doors unlocked is hilarious. One of them, Laura was all excited one random night at about 1:30am to tell me her favorite joke, which I re-tell here, trying to emphasize they way she told it as much as possible:

"Ok so there's this guy driving around in Alaska, right? I dunno why but he's driving through Alaska when suddenly there's this huge blizzard! And his car breaks down. So he calls Triple A or whatever the hell they have in Alaska, Alaskan Triple A. And you have to just picture him waiting out in the snow in the middle of fucking Alaska. Then the tow guy shows up and he checks out the car and says: (deep voice) "Man, it looks like you blew a seal!" and the guy says "Nah, it's just some frost on my mustache."


Finally, despite being a giant movie geek, I don't usually pay too much attention to the Oscars. This year is no different, we already know that Avatar will sweep every technical award (which it deserves to) and many other ones (which it doesn't) and that if Christolph Waltz doesn't get best supporting actor for the delightful scumfuck he played in Inglourious Basterds then there is no God and that Up, despite being tear-jerkingly amazing, is snubbed from Best Picture because it's (for shame!) animated. However, one of the other movies up for best animated picture caught my eye becaue it wasn't Princess and the Frog or some other crap, it was one I'd never heard of called The Secret of Kells, made in Ireland and not even fully released yet, it's art is super-stylized and cool looking and the trailer literally gave me goosebumps:



Now that looks cool. It claims to be coming to U.S. theaters in March but I imagine I'll have to get ahold of it online. When you consider the legwork that was involved in seeing Imginarium of Doctor Parnassus, I doubt this one's going to be coming to my town anytime soon :(

All righty, I'm peacing out for the day but I'll see you tomorrow with a ridiculous picture and an equally ridiculous story to go along with it. Until then, try not to blow anymore seals.

"Ah well . . . wand still in your jeans? Both buttocks still on? Okay, let's go. Locomotor Trunk."
- Nymphadora Tonks

Thank God It's Thursday Comics #1: The BFF

It's late but who the hell cares? I still count it as Thursday and really that's all that matters. Anyways, this one is pretty much word for word a conversation with my best friend Jon (whose name it only took me six years to stop putting an "h" in). The title got cut off but it's the same as the post title, enjoy:


Panel 1


Panel 2


It'll look nicer later when it's not 1:25 in the morning.... and Zeke is kicking me D:



"Is there easy way you can just resize it?" -me
"As far as I'm concerned, it's called Photoshop" -Zeke

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Not A Real Update But....

There will be a Thank God It's Thursday Comic up later but I wanted to be a loser and mention that I found my blog on this person's blog: http://reblekid2003.livejournal.com/

And I am described forthwith as: "Sean Connery, Pirates and a distinct lack of Spongebob"

That about sums me up indeed. Coolios.  

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Writing Wednesday

Things I ought to know by now:

1. Drunk Me and Terminally Exhausted Me are both prone to doing many kinds of the same ridiculous shit. :D

2. It is fairly easy for your mother to know how late you were up when you post sleep-haikus on her wall at 3am

3. "What If I Could Only Flail My Arms?" is still the best game ever.

right now I am eating a delicious (sarcasm) tumor bagel with cream cheese water spread on it, courtesy the dining hall. I ought to be doing work right now but yeah, story of my life and all that. So, without further ado, Writing Wednesday! (I am the only one who pronounces it wed-nes-day in their head as they right write so it doesn't get misspelled?)

...ok a bit more ado, for the uninformed, the title is a Doors song :p get your mind out of my gutter (ok for reals now)

Touch Me, Baby

Go shine your light then burn out fast,
The brightest stars, they never last

Stroke the sleek sides of your sexy six-string
Martyred to the crowd, still it sings

The spotlight is your home, it too will be your grave
Get it all now, there's nothing you can save

Out in a blaze, with a bang, scorch, and sear
Fading away your only fear

All of them will know your name
Sing a song with your refrain

"It was just too soon" that's what they'll say
When you bleed too far one day

The fame, the fortune, the high will pass,
The brightest stars can never last


Written about a year ago I think, maybe a little less. Jim Morrison, Kurt Cobain, Janis Joplin and Jimi Hendrix, all members of what's called the 27 club, which means, if you lack the brain stem to figure it out, they all died at the height of the their fame and the age of 27. Fucking spooky if you ask me.

On that cheerful note, I'm out. Time to read me some Rape! (See the last post if that statement confused and/or horrified you). Remember kids, being sleep-deprived on the internet is dangerous! (Dick Button).

"Listen, real poetry doesn't say anything; it just ticks off the possibilities. Opens all doors. You can walk through anyone that suits you." -Jim Morrison, aka Mr. Mojo Risin'



(Not So) Terrible Tuesday

You know that golden window between general exhaustion and passing out face-first onto the carpet? When you have that gargantuan rush of energy and puppies are awesome and hey what's that on the floor I'm gonna squeeze it!!!



It was this. I may have tried to hogtie someone with it....
Someone who I hope will forgive me for tying it around her legs and trying to drag her to the floor

So yeah, I know it's two am right now despite what the incredibly fucked up clock on this blog may say (it's like tuned for Singapore or Narnia) so technically it's Wednesday but until I go to bed it's still Tuesday for me. As for that golden window...I am THERE, and it is so wonderful except it might give out any given moment so if I just happen to peter out oncxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I'm here! Sorry, head hit the keyboard. Anyways, Tuesday was long and horrid per the usual, although we're reading The Rape of Lucrece for Shakespeare and we're all having fun asking each other outside of class in front of people if we're digging the Rape, or how far we've gotten in the Rape, or if we finished the Rape. Who knew Shakespeare could be so much fun? (shock!)

So after having either too much or too little coffee, I hit exhaustion followed by: Magic Time, which was spent giggling on the floor and playing "What If I Only Had The Ability to Flail My Arms?" with my not-roommates and we flailed and smacked each other until their actual-roommate came out of the shower and scurried away in abject horror. Also, we watched men's figure skating and one dude skated to Puttin' On The Ritz, which was, sadly, the least gay of the lot. I don't know how they do those incredibly fast spins, and they do like 50 in a row, without throwing up all over the ice. That's a useful skill. Oh and there was this old dude with WEIRDLY MASSIVE SHOES and he had won twice in times of yore and his name was....

DICK BUTTON

I would upload some kind of picture but I'm not sure if it would be of the actual man, a dick with a button or a big red button with a picture of a dick. Either way, there'd be dick involved


DICK BUTTON, THAT IS!

And that's all I've got in me tonight (that's what she said) and so for now I bid you farewell until Wednesday (relatively speaking)

"What was really funny is that as I got older all those guys who called me a sissy in junior high school wanted me to be their best friend because they wanted to meet all the girls that I knew in figure skating" -Scott Hamilton

Monday, February 15, 2010

Music Monday: This week, indie!

Sup bitches, it's (as of one day ago) time for Music Monday! Today's musical theme, which I decided on twelve seconds ago, is Indie music!


1. The Love Language. They are extremely lo-fi which is charming and all but makes some of their songs headache-inducing. The ones that aren't though, are fantasticly awesome. For example Lalita, which along with a kick-ass hook has great lyrics. It's mad catchy and I have a tendency to hop up and down like I'm brain-damaged when I hear it:
http://listen.grooveshark.com/#/artist/The+Love+Language/1077210 (copy and paste it and then select Lalita, I can't figure out how to make it clickable, someone help me!!)



2. Shout Out Louds. I feel embarrassed that I first heard them while watching Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist. That is a lame way to discover a band but oh well, the important thing is that they are Swedish and they rock. They're pretty mellow (even for an indie band) and good chillin music (as opposed to chilling music, which is what they play before jump scares in horror movies). Oh Sweetheart and Please Please Please are great songs but unfortunately for my dignity, my favorite is still Very Loud, from the Nick and Norah movie >.< : http://listen.grooveshark.com/#/search/songs/?query=Shout%20Out%20Louds


3. Takka Takka. Same kind of mellowness as Shout Out Louds, the singer can be a little whiny at times but the music is good to drive to. That sounds kind of weird but I do a lot of driving from school to home and such and these guys are just pleasant to drive to (go figure). Also, apparently they were in Nick and Norah too, BUT I found about them in a way unrelated to the movie so I feel slightly better about myself. I'd say go to either Fever or Coco On the Corner, they're both really good:
http://listen.grooveshark.com/#/search/songs/?query=takka%20takka


4. Bishop Allen aka my favoritest band ever that isn't The Clash. They pretty much are just awesome, their songs alternate from loud and kick-ass like Middle Management and Another Wasted Night which also make you prone to jumping up and down to very quiet and sweet like Butterfly Night and Chinatown Bus which make me feel weirdly nostalgic, if one can be nostalgic at 20. I can't even recommend just a few songs, I have yet to hear one by them I haven't liked:
http://listen.grooveshark.com/#/search/songs/?query=Bishop%20Allen



5. Voxtrot. My newest discovery, they have a lot of the same lo-fi tendencies as The Love Language, but much fuzzy and discordant-sounding which is good because less headaches are always a good thing. Mostly, I like these guys so far for the music, their piano is awesome, but the singer's voice gets on my nerves kind of. He just is really high pitched and pronounces things weird. Not like foreign accent weird, something else I can't put my finger on...whatevs, they're still worth checking out for sure. I'd recommend The Start of Something:
http://listen.grooveshark.com/#/search/songs/?query=Voxtrot



Ok...back to work :( next stop, Terrible Tuesday (wheeeee)

"We've got one more to go, but the last one was a mistake/I'd pour you another but I think I heard the bottle break on your bedroom door/And we'll count the hours awake, cuz I see no sense in sleeping, only to wake up much too late" -The Love Language, Lalita

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Wolfman! (and also theme days!)

So yeah, went to Wolfman today despite negative early reviews because I am unable to stand up to the combination of top hats, Victorian dress and violence. (side note: robot in full Victorian costume=best thing ever?) Also it had Anthony Hopkins and I enjoy Anthony Hopkins as a general rule except when he's eating people. (Is it weird that first and foremost in my head he's the narrator of the live-action Grinch movie? So when I watch Silence of the Lambs or Red Dragon or something I hear: "And then the Grinch's heart grew three sizes that day...and then I ate it with a side of fries.)

ANYWHOO, which is scarier, a vampire or a werewolf? Discuss...Because vampires can be pretty BA (that would be bad-ass as opposed to Bachelor of Arts, though I could see Edward Cullen with one of those) but lately they just want to touch your face and talk about feelings rather than slurp your lifeblood. Except in DayBreakers, but that movie was pretty iffy and it even had Willem Dafoe with a crossbow. When you have something that awesome and your movie still fails, you're doing something terribly wrong. Maybe it would have been better if he was cross-dressing, ala Boondock Saints:

Vampire-hunting can be such a DRAG (zing!)

The point of this musing is not drag queens and vampires though, (dude that would be a fantastic gay porn title, Drag Queens and Vampires) but mostly about Werewolves, which I just think are scarier. Mostly because you can be a werewolf and HAVE NO IDEA. Sure you're occasionally waking up in weird places with blood all over clothes but this also holds true for most college students on the weekends. Also, a werewolf does n0t have the cognitive abilities to slow down, stop mutilating things, and fall in love with a tortured young high school girl, he is too busy ripping her throat out. (except in Twilight where that apparently is not a problem. You just get to run around with your shirt off a lot and be lusted after by grown women. I know, I know, he's finally no longer jailbait but everytime I see him I still think of Sharkboy:

Soak in that lovely pedo feeling ladies

Erhhm, yeah so werewolves, despite being fucking scary do not have much movie love after the forties boom of mummy, vampire and werewolf movies. I mean there's Teen Wolf, but I'm not sure if that counts because it's ridiculous, and then there was that movie where Jack Nicholson is a werewolf but really he's just Jack Nicholson only slightly hairier. Ah well, Wolfman's here to even the odds! (Sort of)

Wolfman Review:

It is moody and Gothic with a kick-ass soundtrack from Danny Elfman and Benicio Del Toro manages to look terrified and half-asleep at the same time and it is FRIGGIN SCARY...until they actually show the Wolfman. When he's creeping in the shadows and you can't really see what's going on and OH SWEET MERCIFUL HEAVENS HE'S RIGHT BEHIND YOU!!! And then we get up close and personal with our werewolves (spoiler, there is more than one oh noes!) and they look less like wolves and more like pissed orangutans with filed teeth. Go figure. Anthony Hopkins is the coolest and by and far the spookiest motherfucker in whole thing. (shudders) It's kinda campy and predictable but fun and gory and ultimately worth seeing I think. In a tabulating system I just invented, I give it two and half catapults out of five.

CATAPULT RATING SYSTEM:

Zero catapults: I would willingly chew my own limbs off to escape this movie
One catapult: Well, I suppose it's better than staring at a blank wall...
Two catapults: Fun
Three catapults: Extremely fun
Four catapults: Will view multiple times and giggle with joy each time
Five catapults: Absolutely wonderful and on par with a magical pony surprise party

Finally, I have decided to theme each day of the week (That's right I update every damn day....starting now) Behold!!

Music Monday: Strange and varied music from foreign lands, courtesy of mostly my brother the music shwashbuckler

Terrible Tuesday: My Tuesday's suck big hairy werewolf balls, I'm in class and at work from 10am to 10pm. So Tuesday=Bitch rant day :D

Writing Wednesday: Pretty self-explanatory, I will write things. (oh such things!)

Thank God it's Thursday Comics: Thursday signals the end of my week, for you it signals comics!

Friggin Random Friday: Whatever the hell I feel like

Silly picture Saturday: Also self-explanatory. Maybe it'll be puppies!! (it won't be)

Sean Connery Sunday: I review and pontificate on a Sean Connery movie, because why not?

And that's all for now (and it's quite a bit). Back to work (the specter of Big Willy Shakespeare follows me yet....)

"Look me in the eyes, Lawrence. Look me in the eyes and you can see I'm quite dead."
-Anthony Hopkins as Sir John Talbot in Wolfman

Friday, February 12, 2010

The Maiden Voyage!

Well, it's not a ginormous flying airship hurtling through the sky as Sean Connery stands at the wheel with an enormous feathered hat and squints off into the distance in a particularly bad-ass manner and turns to the first mate (who may or may not be Jack Sparrow steampunkified by imagination) and says:

"We have our heading, straight course, lads!" to which not-Jack Sparrow would say:

"But, Captain, that's through a huge waterfall that's hanging in the sky for no apparent reason! It's suicide!" To which Sean Connery would wink at him and say something along the lines of:

"Trust me, lad"

And then they would fly through the magical sky waterfall and make it through to the other side and it be AWESOME

....No, it is not a maiden voyage like that at all. It is a blog. More's the pity because that would have made one hell of a cinematic but oh well. And now this:

THE MISSION STATEMENT OF SUGARY CYNICISM (THINGS ARE MORE IMPRESSIVE WHEN THEY ARE IN ALL CAPS):

first and foremost to make any and all readers giggle girlishly to themselves. Especially manly ones. It's a little corner of webspace for random (generally untrue but occasionally real) stories, comics (at some point) and all the manner of tomfoolery. Rarely I might do some srs bizness writing stuff which I hope is more interesting than amusing....um

BRIEF MISSION STATEMENTS ARE IN FASHION THIS YEAR


So yeah, let's keep this puppy short cause I'm technically supposed to be writing about Shakespeare right now and I can practically feel his cold, undead gaze upon me. He rustles his Elizabethan ruffed collar softly, edging closer and closer until I can hear the faint swish of his quill pen. He strokes the wrinkles from his pantaloons and whispers:

"Do not forget to mention all my genitalia puns"

Don't worry, Shakespeare. I won't.


Which looks more fun? This:




or this:



Because it's just such a difficult decision....(and no I will not tell you how long I looked for a steampunkesque picture with a dude that resembled Sean Connery)

Until next time,

"Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much."
—Oscar Wilde

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