Sunday, December 5, 2010

The Warrior's Way aka "Ninjas...Damn"

Well hey there, Li'l Cynic. You wanna go see Black Swan?



Well that sucks for you cuz it's only playing in a single theater with no name in only one city in America, and the only way to get there is to follow a map tattooed on the back of an albino mystic named Ted.



It's a tough world, kid. You could always go see Tangled then. Watch Mandy Moore be a princess with...hair. And stuff.



Ok...How about The Warrior's Way? It looks fun and violent and Captain Barbossa's in it and says "Ninjas...Damn"




And so I did.


"Once upon a time there was a warrior with empty eyes" And fabulous hair

And so begins Geoffrey Rush's narration of the batshit insane movie that is The Warrior's Way. Now, if you're like me and Javi and are planning on going to see this based largely on his line in the trailer, "Ninjas, etc" well then SPOILER ALERT MOFO, HE DOESN'T SAY IT. I am seriously getting sick of trailers using great lines only to screw with you and cut it out of the main picture, ESPECIALLY if you over-saturate all your commercials with it. For similar offenders, see Iron Man 2's "You complete me" and Sherlock Holmes's "They've been flirting like this for hours"

Bastards.

Moving on. So, The Warrior's Way tells us the story of...Warrior, I guess, because he never gets a name. IMDB says his name is Yang but I swear to god no one calls him that once. So Yang is the greatest swordsman ever in the history of ever, trained as an emotionless assassin (or that could just be Dong-gun Jang's complete inability to express any emotion that isn't murdering someone in a spectacular manner). So he is a member of this ninja clan called the Sad Flutes (named for the "sad flute" sound a human throat makes after you slit it), and his job is murdering every one of this other clan. He pretty much succeeds except for the last member of the clan, an adorable Asian baby girl. And of course, he can't bring himself to kill her.

Truly, the chubby-cheeked infant is more powerful than the sword

So Yang hangs up his sword, takes the baby and heads for a new life out West. Literally. How he feeds the baby during the journey is beyond me. Javi's theory was that he regurgitates food for it like a mommy bird. I can't think of anything better than that. Oh, and I would just like to point out that at this point Yang has not said A SINGLE WORD. He's already murdered a dozen or so ninjas and saved a baby but no dialogue. He just kinda swaggers around like he can't be bothered to show interest in anything, including the fact that he is acting in a movie.



Still, unlike Korean Pop Sensation Rain in Ninja Assassin, Yang pretty much doesn't talk, and is therefore far less annoying. But then he and the baby end up settling down in this bizarre, run-down carnie town where they meet Kate Bosworth's character Lynn, who unfortunately, does talk.

She does this horrific accent that makes her sound like Sandy from Spongebob Squarepants in human form:



And there Yang stays, learning how to plant flowers and not murder things, and also meets quirky characters like Eight-Ball, played by the tiny black dude Tony Cox who I normally can't stand but I actually don't mind here, and also Geoffrey Rush's character Ron, who is a crouching drunk, hidden badass. It's quite nice but obviously can't stay that way as a band of evil cowboys come, led by a loathsome motherfucker named the Colonel, played to hammy perfection by Danny Huston. He is a gross, rape-happy dude, and when he tried to rape mini-Kate Bosworth she gave me a massive burn scar across his face, which makes her much cooler than regular Kate Bosworth. Less gross but also quite evil is Yang's old master who, not even kidding, gave mini-Yang puppy, made him bond with it and be friends, and then proceeded to make him kill it.

That's cold.

So if Yang, Lynn, the baby and the weird carnie people want to survive, they have to fight off the cowboys and ninjas. So, up front: this movie is absolutely ridiculous and shallow and bad. But it is so much fun! It's loud and violent silly and visually it's actually really, cool. It's heavily stylized in a manner I found pleasing. Honestly, I like bad movies, guys. And I had a lot of fun at this one. Me and Javi got to watch dudes get dismembered in incredibly badass ways and then crack up at lines like "take this locket, it is a gift from my mother. She said that when you're sad, you just put it over your heart and it takes the sadness away" we also had a good crowd who laughed at all the ridiculous shit with us.

In the end, if you like shiny, slick style, awesome fights, adorable babies (seriously the audience was "aww"-ing), ridiculous characters and enjoy laughing at silly things that definitely know they are being silly, go see The Warrior's Way, you'll have a blast. Black Swan, this is not. If wacky, bombastic crap's not your thing, then save your money. But me being me with my bad taste enjoyed the hell out of it. Three guilty pleasure catapults out of five.

Obviously, Dong-gun Jang does not care either way

This is Sugary Cynic, making the sadness go away with an exploding ferris wheel (it's so damn awesome) 'Night!

Ron: "And the warrior found that he was learnin' stuff. Stuff he shoulda learned long ago"

XD it kills me.

4 comments:

  1. I love it when Korean actors are in Hollywood movies. For some reason, they're always Japanese or Chinese characters.

    And Rain is awesome. You'd understand if you heard him yodeling. YOU'D UNDERSTAND!

    WE WILL AVENGE YE, BLACK SWAN!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Jacob: Yep.

    Simon: You know that Korean's not a real ethnicity in the magical land of Hollywood.

    ReplyDelete
  3. To tell you the truth I have seen Hispanic actors play chinese heroes/anti-heroes...go figure?!?

    Trailers are meant to be misleading...ergo the $9 a pop fpr stupid tickets to find out why the trailers milead us :)

    ReplyDelete

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