Sunday, November 7, 2010

Personal Statements aka "I Do Not Suck, Honestly For Reals"

Oh my god getting my transcript, birth certificate, recommendation letters, proof of enrollment and graduation, baby pictures, ark of the covenant, One-Eyed Willy's treasure, the Elder wand, and the Spear of Destiny for my Japan application was NOTHING compared to the Hell that is the personal statement. Oh my good ConneryJesus.

This really should not surprise you at this point

But yeah, the personal statement essay is the heart and soul of any application for post-collegiate studies/work. It tells the reader who you are, what you want out of the program, and why you are the absolute best person for the job and everyone else is a drooling, worthless orangutan. And they are downright impossible to fucking write.

There's a website that helpfully lists a top ten of "Don'ts" for the particular place I am applying to:

Do Not:

1. Detailed discussion of mental or physical health issues.
2. Serious grammar, zero punctuation and/or spelling mistakes.
3. Not answering the question and/or very long sentences that never actually reach a point.
4. Criticising anyone or anything.
5. Writing too much or too little.
6. Using the word "irregardless"
7. Wearing plaid.
8. Refusing to pay proper homage to the death god Anubis
9. Filing singly during the fifth quarter of your fiscal year when you are in fact supposed to filing jointly but only during the second cycle of the third phase of the harvest moon
10. Referring to your reader as "you Japs"

Enlightening, to be sure.

So I've been working on it for most of the day, writing and crossing out and writing again and throwing a temper tantrum and then kicking the door in the midst of said tantrum which really hurt my big toe so I had to go find ice which was hard because it meant hopping downstairs to the dining hall which apart from being really difficult just looks silly and then I iced my toe and wrapped it in a bandage but then my shoe didn't fit right and it was too cold for flip-flops so I-

Right, personal statements.

So after putting in a considerable amount of effort, I think I've got it down. And I would like you, the Internet, to read it and tell me what you think. Because I respect your opinions and such. So here it is:

I'm feeling pretty good about it.

Also new banner quote. I've scrapped the whole "making it Sugary Cynicism-y" because they were cheesy and a little too close to puns for my liking. So yeah. Back to work bluh. The only bright side is that I will travel one hour back into the past through the magic of Eastern Standard Time aka Fuck You Daylight Savings! This is Sugary Cynic saying Holy shit, my birthday's on Monday. 'Night!

(During a discussion on accidentally stapling your hand)

Ashley: "My sister accidentally stapled her hand once"

Jared: "Yeah, me too!"

Ashley: "She was five when she did it"

Jared: "I was...whatever age I would've been two weeks ago"

That's my special little brother


  1. Hi Sugary - Great start on the personal statement...I think the drawing really put it over the top. Good Luck!

  2. Do you speak Japanese? I think that'll get you in.


    For all this effort to getting into Japan, you could just go to Puerta Rico. You don't even need a passport.

  3. DAMNIT SIMON! I KNEW THIS ONE Arrrrrrrrrrrrgggghhhh Blade Runner, there I said it. XP


    I hope you get your Job in Japan for your birthday! LOVE you personal statements! Agree with, Ron, the drawing really puts it over the top!

  4. Ron: Thanks! I thought so too

    Simon: Yes but Puerto Rico is significantly lacking in Japanese things

    Widow: Thanks, here's hoping, lol!


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