Thursday, November 11, 2010

20,000 Leagues of What The Hell Was I Thinking?

So today I had finished writing a paper on Jules Verne's influence on the creation of Steampunk (yeah you wish you could write academic Steampunk papers). Afterwards, I kinda felt like watching a movie based off a Verne novel and hopped over to Netflix, where I was unfortunately, quite disappointed.

Hey! The classic Around the World in 80 Days! ...Not Instant.

Hey! The much newer but also probably much worse current with Jackie Chan Around the World in 80 Days! ...Not Instant.

Hey! The classic 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea. ...Not Instant.

Hey! The Mysterious Island, with Patrick Stewart in a turban as Captain Nemo, oh heck yes!! ...Not Instant.

Why must I be denied?!

Hey! A version of 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea from the 90's with MICHAEL MOTHER-FREAKING CAINE as Captain Nemo!!! ....Not Instant.

Patrick Dempsey's in it too?! Son of a bitch!


Hey...um, here's some weird looking animated version of 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea from like, 2002. ...I can actually watch this instantly.

AND IT WAS HORRIBLE.

BUT I WATCHED IT THE WHOLE WAY THROUGH ANYWAY.

I'm pretty sure this never happened in the book. But it's ok because this scene never happens in the movie either

I've seen much better animation created by random dudes on Youtube and the voice-acting made me want to jam rusty syringes in my ears. You don't even understand the all kinds of awful these people's voices were. Like, imagine you took a voice program and taught it to emphasize all the wrong syllables in a word, and then also have it end every sentence with rising intonation so that every statement sounds like a question. Then give it Red Bull to assure it sounds chipper and high-pitched as HELL no matter what the situation. And now you have some idea of how bad the voice acting is in this movie.

The main character inserted with all the real ones from the book is Bernadette, a 17 year old girl who looks like a 30 year old school marm. She sneaks aboard a ship dressed as a boy and in less convincing drag than Amanda Bynes in She's The Man.

Topical!

Anyway, Nemo makes Bernie and her pals his friend-prisoners and they have underwater adventures versus various violent sea critters that last for roughly fifteen seconds before the danger passes. Wheee. Then everyone goes back to talking, which with their voices is the worst thing ever. This whole thing wouldn't entertain any kid I know (and I know many, most of them with ADHD), it's dull, boring the animation is the opposite of dynamic and it's also quite racist.

Though I have to admit, this bit did lead to one wild sex scene

So yeah, I watched 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea: The Horrid Animated Version. And then I scooped my eyes out with a melon baller. I am writing this with my mind. Zero catapults out of five. I realize that there was no danger of you guys watching this ever but I feel like since I had to suffer, you can suffer a bit too.

This is Sugary Cynic, and while I may no longer have eyeballs, at least I didn't use a spoon! 'Night!

Pierre: "And I thought that giant crab would have me for dinner. But no, I'm having HIM for dinner!"

>_< WHY GOD WHY?!?!?!

3 comments:

  1. That quote at the end almost makes me want to see it.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Where is the picture!?! I expect weird things when I give you free reign, good sir!

    My god, that movie sounds awful. Why didn't you just go to a Blockbuster or something? They're still around.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Unwashed: It's not worth it! Your soul will never be clean!

    Simon: It was after midnight, so not much chance of that

    ReplyDelete

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