Wednesday, October 13, 2010

In Which My Ovaries Attempt to Leap From My Body and Strangle Me

So about that Social Network movie? I hear it's about Facebook...

I haven't seen it, ok?! I like David Fincher, I like Jesse Eisenberg, I can even be persuaded to like Justin Timberlake when he starts going on about putting his dick in a box, but I just don't care about this movie. Like at all. The story behind Facebook, as back-stabby or douchey as it may be, holds absolutely no interest for me. Don't care, probably not going to see it til DVD. So maybe it does cure cancer, but I just don't have the disposable income to be spending on movies that I am not absolutely dieing to see, like RED. You hear that Social Network? Get Helen Mirren behind a chain gun and then maybe we'll talk!!

Whew, ok. Glad that's out of my system. Oh stop giving me that look, you guys.

Now let's talk about something else, like babies. Not just babies but BABIES.

My name is Sugary Cynic, and I love babies. Not like that!! Goddamn internet, having a dirty mind. But I do love babies, they're so cute and inquisitive and squishy-looking. They understand the hours of fun a cardboard box can bring. Babies get me, and I get babies. They like me, which astounds my friends because they know that I am pure evil and you'd think that would make babies stay away but no, random munchkins in like the mall or the supermarket will willingly walk up and interact with me, which is adorable, but then their parents think I'm going to abduct them or something. As opposed to Zeke, who one time made a little girl cry just by looking at her and/or existing in her general area. Cuz he's evil. Where am I going with this? Well, if anyone was going to like a movie that had all the fun of watching babies frolic around without any of the responsibility of making sure they don't fall on their heads, it'd be me.

And lo did a thousand uteruses do a double take

Babies is a documentary from the mysterious land of France that takes four babies born around the same time: Ponijao, a girl from Namibia, Bayar, a boy from Mongolia, Mari, a girl from Japan and Hattie, a girl from the U.S. and just sort of watches them do things from birth til a little over a year old. The results? ADORABLE.


Ahem. Yeah. So we see the preggo moms and then poof! Babies! Which I appreciate, because childbirth, as I learned in the Sex Ed video, is kinda icky. There are fluids. The moms and dads do not play a large part in the movie, which is nice because we're not here to see them. They talk amongst themselves while the camera focuses on the baby but it was weird not having subtitles for all the other parents that weren't American. Also there is no narrator or voice-over, which is really nice. As cool as it would have been to have Morgan Freeman being all "And here little Mari-chan learns that life will knock you down, and that you just have to hitch up your diaper and get back up" I like that we just get to see the babies doing baby things, and science states that if you leave a baby alone long enough, it will do something cute. I think it's one of Newton's laws.

A baby in motion will remain in motion, a baby that is getting it's ass-water drank by a goat will be reasonably confused

So it's a fascinating movie not just from a "D'awww!" perspective but also because of the diverse backgrounds of the little womb monsters, we have little Bayar living in his yurt on the Mongolian plain, getting the experience of having a rooster strut across your bed, while little Hattie gets taken to baby yoga. Meanwhile Ponijao chews on sticks and runs naked through the dirt while Mari is taken through a bright and loud toy store. It's very interesting from a cultural perspective, which is a good excuse to give if someone asks you why you're watching the movie about babies. The movie doesn't really try to parallel events in the babies much, exceptions being them learning to crawl and walk, as well as them playing with pets, which all the kids have: cats for Mari and Hattie, dogs for Ponijao and cows, goats, dogs and the world's most patient cat for Bayar.

The movie does rock quite a bit of nudity. Boobs mostly, for the obvious reason of breastfeeding. But Ponijao's mom is like that all the time. Also there's, ya know, baby bits. Although it's weird how quickly you get used to looking at baby wang considering how often Bayar and Ponijaos' brother run around naked. That sentence came out much creepier than I thought it would. Oh well. DISTRACTION!!

Wait, that's just more baby nudity...damn it.

So, it's pretty simple, if you hate and/or fear babies, and have no desire to watch an infant who has just been born smile in it's sleep, or a toddler's triumphant clapping at it's first steps, or a major tantrum because why the hell not, or what happens when one baby becomes tired of it's sibling's shit, then you will not like this movie. Durr. Or, you're like me:

In which case, watch the damn movie. With the door closed so your roommates can't judge you. Babies is a visually stunning look at the beginning of life in four very different locales and cultures, without any hosts or narrators getting in the way. And yes, it is so damn cute.

Babies gets four "awwww"'s out of five.

This is Sugary Cynic, telling her reproductive bits to stop screaming "BABY!!!!" at least until she graduates from college. 'Night!


  1. Dude, you don't want to watch "facebook begins", but you love a film which is basically just babies doing baby stuff? You're such a... GIRL!

    I wasn't interested in a movie about Facebook either, but Fincher directing, Sorkin scripting, eisenberg, timberlake and the new spider-man acting, and Trent Reznor musicking all adds up to me watching the movie. And I'm glad I did:

    It didn't cure my cancer, though.

  2. I'm glad I'm not the only one who doesn't think The Social Network is ZOMG BEST MOVIE EVAR!!!!!1 I liked it, but come on, it wasn't that great.

  3. I'm with are such a girl! LOL That is ok though. I don't want to see Social Network, and I'm as likely to watch a movie about babies as I am about old folks (like me) waggling their fist at the neighbor kids screaming "Stay off my laaaawwwwn" Which in about four or so years will be me complete with 1.5 million cats who filter in and out of her home.

    However, that said I WOULD adopt you as my kid! I could get behind that and think you'd be just as cute, though I'd demand you change your own diaper and keep your clothes on!


  4. Babies will take over the world. They're so charismatic.

  5. 1) Are you being your usual exaggerating self or did Zeke actually manage to make a little girl cry in a mall? Because I had to lol at the very thought.


  6. Unwashed: (shrug) I can only watch so many guns-blazing testosterone-fueled comic book movies before my girl-ness starts making demands of me. Better this than Life As We Know It :p

    Jason: Since I haven't seen it, I can't say one way or the other if it is as vibrantly awesometastic as everyone says it is, I'm just not that interested in seeing it.

    Widow: Yes, we have established that I am of the female persuasion. And I think my parents might have issue with an adoption but I appreciate the gesture XD

    Simon: Who says they haven't already?

    Val: 100% true story, you can even ask Zeke. Also THANK YOU! Ashley spent the whole night judging me. CAN'T WAIT TIL YOU VISIT!!!


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