Tuesday, October 5, 2010

In Which I Enter The Dark World of Tabletop Gaming

Or whatever the hell that D&D shit is. If I have it wrong, don't correct me. I don't care enough. But before you can hear about all that, please absorb this awesomeness through the ocular bits of your choosing:

The facts: I have never seen the original True Grit, I have never read the book and I have a tempestuous relationship with the Coen's (I either love it or loathe it).

That said, this the most fucking badass trailer I've seen since, well since RED I guess but it's a different sort of badass. Either way, I dunno if it's Jeff Bridges, the Johnny Cash song in the background or the fact that I was immediately endeared to the girl, but this looks like it has the potential to be TOTALLY AWESOME.

Ok, with that out of the way we can continue. So I have never been into role-playing Dungeons and Dragons type whatnot because 1. I am not a socially-frightening, reality-shunning weirdo who is repelled by the fiery orb of daytime, and 2. Because I have the attention span of a two year-old.

"How did you manage to download this much porn?! We left you alone for five minutes!"
That was your first mistake...your second was leaving a lighter on the table

So yeah, I don't really have the patience for making saving throws or adding plus one for...stuff. And things. But then the other day at dinner, some of the guys were discussing a game group they had, so of course I teased the hell out of them, but then they started explaining the fun bits, namely the ones that didn't involve math. I could basically make whatever the hell I wanted and make it do whatever the hell I wanted. So I got Ashley to agree to come me in this foray into geekery, and we joined Javi and Doug's gaming group. And tonight, gentle readers, I rolled up a character.

So since I was embarking on this quest for ultimate geekdom, I figured I may as well have some fun with it, if any of you guys are familiar with D&D characters or classes or what-have-you, this might hurt a bit. I decided that I would be a dwarf/elf, the drunk and unholy union of a dwarf and an elf, which stunned poor Doug into silence. Basically I just picked the two most opposite fantasy creatures I could think and imagined how funny it would look if they got it on. Then I named this magical abomination Sexy Von Sexinburg (later amended to Captain Sexy Von Sexinburg, even though Doug won't let me have a pirate ship). After rolling a bunch of dice a bunch of times, I created my stats which I proceeded to dump into Intelligence and Charisma, my plan being that Sexy Von Sexinburg would never have to fight if he had enough charisma and wit to defeat his enemies with Smooth Lovin'.

"You come across an angry dragon! How do you proceed?"
"I have sex with it"
"You...What? No! Why would you do that? Do something else"
"Too late. Also I rolled a ten so that means the dragon loves it"
"Stop making up rules"

After that it was time to pick a class. Since Doug had made it clear that neither prostitute nor gentleman highwayman was an option, it came down to either rogue or bard. In the end I chose Bard because there was a greater chance of me being able to continue making dirty jokes and because at this point my strength and dexterity skills were in the toilet. As a bard, Doug told me, I could be a charismatic and cunning performer who could cast spells and convince people to do whatever I wanted. Including get it on. As long as there wasn't a Paladin in the group, who apparently take issue with hypnotized loving. So I ended up with Captain Sexy Von Sexinburg the bard who is a Chaotic Neutral (as Doug explained it: "You can do whatever the hell you want but you're not evil"), took points in disguise, sleight of hand, deceit and has a +2 defense in Dwarven drunkenness (I'm not sure what that means but it's a good thing)

And he looks like this guy

Maybe this whole role-playing thing will be fun after all...

Or it could lead me down the darkened path of SATAN!

Either way. This is Sugary Cynic, making abnormally large dice towers because this math shit is boring and I want to go kill and/or have sex with fictional creatures already! 'Night!

Me: "So his name's Captain Sexy Von Sexinburg now"

Doug: "Private Sexy Von Sexinburg"


Doug: "Footman Sexy Von Sexinburg"

Me: "I already wrote Captain on the sheet"

Doug: "There's nothing for him to be the captain of!!"


  1. Here's a great story about D&D gone wrong: http://www.newyorker.com/fiction/features/2010/10/04/101004fi_fiction_lipsyte?currentPage=all

    That being said, at least you tried D&D instead of just blatantly making fun of a game you didn't grasp completely.

  2. I prefer to make fun of the game precisely BECAUSE I don't grasp it completely:

    So, some guy just makes a load of shit up and tells you to roll a dice to find out what happens next? Sounds like "Choose your own adventure", but without the choosing-your-own. Or the adventure.

  3. HA! HA HA! HAHAHAHA! Snort, giggle, chortle! That's great. There's a terrific webisode comedy show called 'The Guild' it is SO funny and it revolves around a goofy group of friends who play an online role game. You might get a kick out of it...http://www.watchtheguild.com/

    Anyway, I'm so glad you left a message over at Networkedblogs.com and I am more than pleased to follow you! Now--I've got to go read your Sean Connery stuff!

    Laura (L. Avery) Brown

  4. Ok I feel like I'm coming out of the closet here, but...

    Hi, I am the Widow Lady, and I am a gamer. I have been playing table top games since I was 10 I am now 36 so you do that math eh. So much so that for a long, long time... I did RPG game design as a hobby, creating completely new systems, and worlds for me and my friends. I've made some really GOOD one's too.

    Wish I could have popped your D&D cherry with one of my games, trust me I would have let you be a captain, screw a dragon, and be smexy as you wanna be...but then you'd have to be prepared for the ride of your life. Every action has a reaction you know ;-) LOL I've let my players do worse things, and then given them literally YEARS worth of entertaining consequences. My longest running campaign was along the lines of 10 years mwhahahahahaha! My players were addicted! But I'm a twisted story maven soooooo it is kind of my thing! LOL

    Love you girlie!

  5. Ugh...this is nerdy even for me. The girl who willingly joined Robotics team.

    Granted, it was the first step in fully realizing Nikola Tesla's Death Ray.

    I miss banner quotes.

  6. Lyz: I'll give most anything a shot once. It actually does seem like it'll be fun

    Unwashed: I am going to call you Mr. Grumpy Gills now, Mr. Grumpy Gills. Either way, dice or no dice, Sexy Von Sexinburg will not be satisfied until he fucks every magical creature in that guidebook. How's that for a choose your own adventure :p

    L. Avery: I love the Guild!! That shit is hilarious! Glad you like what you see :D

    Widow: I was going to call you a giant dork...but now I just want to play D&D with you

    Simon: Well at least Robotics implies some kind of mechanized violence, but you still can't be throwing stones at me for dorkiness :p

    Also you will get your banner quotes wish soon, I missed them too.


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