Tuesday, September 21, 2010

The Princess And The Hilariously Racist Stereotypes aka Why God Am I Still Awake?

I'm up to nearly 37 hours. That is a lot of hours. But dammit I was there at 5am for Universal sign-ups that filled up completely by 5:17am. They called me crazy but who has a ticket to Harry Potter Land now, bitches? (It's me. I do) So before I go any further, yeah fair warning 90% of this is going to be pure exhaustion-garble. Raisinets. Ok, that time I was just testing you. Also! Be sure to head on over to If I Had A Blog, where the ever-rocktastic Ron interviewed me. Because I am that cool. Or something. Read it, it's full of witticisms and vitamin C (still testing you).

So I only had one class, and I barely made it through conscious. After that I did what any sleep-deprived college student with free time would do: I watched The Princess and The Frog.

It was the obvious choice

So background: I don't give a rat's ass about the Disney princess movies because I am neither seven years old or insane. I even have trouble re-watching stuff that I actually really like, like Beauty and the Beast and Mulan because my stupid Liberal Arts education has allowed me to see all the inaccuracies, the flaws, the gender-stereotyping-get-married-and-find-a-man-dammit bullshit. So yeah, me and princess movies don't hang out anymore, which is why The Princess and the Frog wasn't even on my radar when it came out. But everyone was all like "It's sooo good! It's a return to Disney greatness! Black princess! It has a classic feel! They're doing musicals again! Black princess!"

But I did not care. Til now...well, I still don't care, but I actually sat down and watched the thing.


I mean, it's not a bad movie, and the return to 2D animation made me realize just how much I missed it. The movie's art is gorgeous. But the story's the same cookie-cutter crap about believing in dreams, working hard to make them come true and finding a man and popping out some goddamn babies. For Walt Disney. Because he feeds on them. Also, people kept having fangasms over the songs. In this case, I am a little biased because I despise Randy Newman and all of his Newman-ness, but I just didn't think the songs were that great. Again, not bad, but they didn't pop, they didn't stand out. Except the bad guy's song, Friends On the Other Side, sung by the dude with the voodoo, Dr. Facilier aka The Shadow Man:

Hell yeah! It even referenced Baron Samedi with that facemask dealie he had on at the end and that is awesome!! Yeah, he's the coolest part of the movie by far.

Mostly because he is voiced by Keith David, who spends his leisure hours secreting awesome

I suppose I should actually discuss the plot but there's not much. Tiana is a hard-working girl trying to start her own restaurant who needs to learn that there's more to life than working (namely getting married) and her mom, played by Oprah keeps trying to tell her, but to no avail. Meanwhile Prince Naveen is the prince of some made-up country and has come to New Orleans (where the story takes place) to find a rich-ass chick and marry cuz Mommy and Daddy have cut him off. Factor in one visit to the Shadow Man and bam! He's a frog. And then he kisses Tiana and they're both frogs! Now they're on a quest to find this other witch doctor out on the swamp to change them back. Along the way they meet an Jazz-playing alligator named Louis who oscillates from hilarious and adorable to fucking annoying and a redneck Cajun firefly named Ray. Do all these characters learn important things about themselves and dreams and other stupid crap? YES, ONLY IT TAKES FOREVER. But Naveen actually has some pretty funny lines.

This movie draaaaaaaaaaaags. A lot. It is slow as hell. And all the white people are dicks. Naveen's manservant Lawrence starts out a pitiable punching-bag of a character and evolves into a dick. Tiana's rich white friend Charlotte is good-natured and nice to Tiana but she's also a spoiled brat who always gets what she wants thanks to her fat rich dad named (ohgodwhy) Big Daddy. And he's voiced by John Goodman (makeitstop). Also there are redneck Cajun hunters who would make the gang from Deliverance seem like sophisticated readers of the New Yorker in comparison. One of them is named Two-Fingers BECAUSE HE ONLY HAS TWO FINGERS. SHUT UP MOVIE, I DISLIKE YOU.

Overall: Wheee, black princess! Doesn't matter, she ends up married just like the rest of Disney's ethnic princess rainbow. The story is slow, most of the songs aren't great and I was actively rooting for The Shadow Man (who, in all fairness, was sooo cool!) Two catapults out of five. Fucking frogs.

There was one other cool thing, the good witch-doctor's house:

I want that to be my secret hideout!!

This is Sugary Cynic saying "what the hell all did I just type?" 'Night!


  1. deep imagination, superb writing skills.

  2. This takes me back. Remember this?: http://theintermittentsprocket.blogspot.com/2010/02/disney-and-2d-back-to-boring-board.html

  3. She ends up married? Oh, that's upsetting.

    On the upside: YAY, HARRY POTTER LAND!

  4. The villains always get the good songs.

  5. Pramod: (looks behind her)...who me? Thanks!

    Unwashed: I do indeed! And I agree that it is at least better than Cars.

    Manda: Yah. Cuz if she stayed single it just wouldn't be a Disney flick. HELL YEAH HARRY POTTER LAND!

    Simon: It's a fact of life. An awesome one.


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