Sunday, September 19, 2010

Insomnia, Harry Potter and The World Of Tomorrow aka My Life Is Weird

Before we get into anything, this song is awesome. Not Cee Lo Green awesome, but close. I didn't think anyone could ever make me like a Disney song, but dammit, the Suburban Legends did it:

Not available for commercial release :(

Ok, now we can begin. So tomorrow at seven in the morning is the sign-ups for Islands of Adventure aka MOTHER-EFFING HARRY POTTER LAND. But seven in the morning for some of the rabid little bastards on campus means several hours before seven in the morning (tickets are limited). So me, Javi and Zeke are staying up all night to beat the crowds and such. You may remember a similar occasion last year for Disney, 'cept that was at night. And for Disney, as opposed to Harry Potter Land. And in the words of Liz Lemon:

Also last night was a real nasty flashback to high school when I had insomnia a lot of the time. I was totally exhausted from chasing small children in laser tag and playing DanceDance Revolution...Er, I mean, doing shots, lots of shots. And clubbing. And other activities appropriate for my age bracket as opposed to a ten year old's. Either way, I was tired. So I went to bed early and instead got several lovely hours of:

Finally, I desperately popped some Benadryl and after an indeterminate eternity, fell asleep and proceeded to have some of the worst nightmares I have had in my entire life. And I didn't have the pleasure of mostly forgetting them or half-remembering, no they are emblazoned in my brain as clear as day and every time I think of them my stomach feels queasy. So I'd just as soon not sleep tonight anyway.

So, on to things that suck less. The other day I finally got around to watching the rather wordily-titled Sky Captain and The World of Tomorrow. I avoided it at first, partly because I heard it was lousy and also because, what with the whole "filmed entirely on blue screen" dealie, it seemed like a gimmick movie. But I had a free afternoon and it was available on Netflix's instant play so I figured I'd give it a shot.

Photoshop Captain and The Photoshop of Photoshop

So, as it turns out, the movie's actually pretty fun. It's an old-style adventure, the kind where all the character's names are alliterative, and the hero drinks milk and everyone says "ghee whiz". The CGI is actually really cool and well-done and it's generally too fast-paced and exciting for you to focus on any of the negative aspects.

So the movie centers on intrepid (read: obnoxious) reporter Polly Perkins, played by Gwyneth Paltrow. Polly is on the case of a mysterious killer picking off German scientists despite her editor Dumbledore telling her it's too dangerous. Dumbledore keeps popping up in the movies I watch lately...Anyway, Polly is quickly established as that irritating character who will do anything to get a story, including almost getting trampled by giant robots when they attack the city.

Look at that, it's pretty fucking intimidating! Most people see giant robots and are like "Run away!" whereas Polly's more "Run towards it, trip over nothing and then stare up in terror as opposed to moving out of the way"

Anyway, Sky Captain comes swooping in to save the day in his bad-ass fighter plane. Which is awesome. The whole scene rocks. His real name is Joe Sullivan and he's played by an especially prissy Jude Law. So it turns out Joe and Polly used to be romantically involved and eventually end up teaming up when discovering that the robots and the missing scientists are connected. The plot is pretty threadbare and extremely retarded when examined too closely, involving a spaceship ark, a robot girl and archival footage of Lawrence Olivier, but it exists to propel the characters from awesome battle to awesome chase to awesome escape, so I can't complain.

Joe and Polly bitch and moan at each other the whole time though, and that does get old pretty quick. Luckily, the supporting characters are pretty cool, including Giovanni Ribisi as Dex Dearborn, Joe's resident techie. I feel like every time I see Giovanni Ribisi in a movie he's playing a douchebag (Avatar, Lost in Translation, Cold Mountain etc) but here he's friggin adorable. Dex is just too cute. And then, possibly to counterbalance Gwyneth Paltrow's annoying, whiny character is Angeline Jolie as Franky Cook, a captain of a mobile British air base. Here is a list of why she is awesome:

1. She does not whine and bitch

2. She has an eye-patch

3. She commands a MOBILE AIR BASE, as in a giant, floating aircraft carrier

4. She is confident and bad-ass

5. She blows up a robot with her plane, ejecting seconds before impact and then flying away on a jetpack.

Can we just watch a movie about her?

Unfortunately, she's in the movie for like 15 minutes, maybe. Such a cocktease. Overall, it's a good time, with wonderfully kick-ass action scenes and CGI that looks damn good. It has that old-timey sense of fun and adventure and it has one of the best ending lines ever. It's hilarious, go watch it. On the other hand, both Paltrow and Law get annoying after awhile, and while the CGI backgrounds aren't distracting, the bloom sure as hell is.


All in all, Sky Captain and the Lack of Angelina Jolie gets three and a half extra-shiny catapults out of five. Don't think too much and you'll enjoy it.

And that is all for tonight! See ya tomorrow if I'm not hallucinating Batman by then. This is Sugary Cynic saying "I have nothing witty to say, watch this instead"

I won't ruin it with words. 'Night!

Polly: "Joe, I wanna ask you something and I want you to tell me the truth. I don't care one way or the other, I swear. I just need to know. The girl in Nanjing was Franky, wasn't it?"

Joe: "Polly..."

Polly: "How long were you seeing her?"

Joe: "Look me in the eyes. I never fooled around on you. Never."

Polly: "I sabotaged your plane"

Joe: "Three months"


  1. Great post and love the 30 Rock tie in.
    Started up another blog...
    I think you will like it...and be sure to state your views...

  2. I want to like Jude Law, but him and his magical hairline are making it so damn difficult. You know what his last good role I ever watched was? Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil. And he had, like, five damn lines.

    Fuck you, Gwyneth Paltrow.

    Angelina Jolie can be pretty awesome when she wants to be. Even when her accents suck, they're never half-assed. And always make her sound like Dracula.

    Was Ribisi a douchebag in Lost in Translation? He didn't really have that much screentime to confirm or anything.

    Disney songs are awesome. Especially the villain songs. Poor Unfortunate Souls, for example.

  3. Simon: I agree about the hairline and also about Gwyneth Paltrow. I think her playing Pepper Potts is the first time one of her characters didn't annoy the hell out of me.

    Also I guess douchebag is a bit strong for his character in Lost In Translation, but he did come off as douchey at least.

    And I totally forgot that one. Dude, Ursula scares the shit out of me to this day

  4. Marilyn: 30 is awesome! And I dig the new blog, already commented!


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