Thursday, September 9, 2010

Hook aka "Oh MyGoodGodJesus Why Is Robin Williams In Tights?!"

Wednesday. It's not Monday and it's not Friday. It's not awful and it's not awesome. It's not the not-so-badness of Tuesday and it's not the nearly-thereness of Thursday. It's just...Wednesday.

And now you're blind

So to combat the nothingness of Wednesday, we watched Hook (partially because I can't find Super Mario Bros, which is rather distressing to me). Now, all of us watching were familiar with and fond of Hook, except Javi, who lived a sad childhood deprived of glorious nineties movie cheese.

And what glorious cheese it is

So yeah, for those equally deprived, Hook, by Steven "Raptor-bait" Spielberg, tells the story of Peter Pan from where the actual story left off. Sort of. In this world Peter Pan has grown-up, made a family, forgotten he was ever Peter Pan and become Peter Banning (subtle, eh?). Peter Banning is a workaholic, alcoholic douche-monger who misses important sporting events with his children while playing cell phone-draw with his lawyer friends. It's the nineties, go with it. He's selfish, neglectful, devoid of imagination and worst of all, he's Robin Williams.

And you thought I was kidding about that cellphone crap

So yeah, Peter's got two kids, Maggie, who he conveniently forgets about every so often, and his son Jack, who is a bratty little butt-monkey who is sad because his dad's busy a lot. This was always a sore point with me, even as a kid. Yeah, Peter's kind of a dick and works more than he should but jeez, it's obvious he does care about his kids and it's not like he's some kind of monster who beats them or abuses them or makes them ride the Tower of Terror even though you told him it was too scary but he wouldn't listen and made the attendant strap you in knowing FULL WELL that you have a fear of heights and-

Hook. We were talking about Hook.

So Captain Hook appears from...somewhere, and kidnaps Maggie and Jack. Peter decides to deal with this situation by drinking heavily until a fairy appears, but it's not just any fairy, it's the magical and mischievous Tinker Bell!

Oh wait, false alarm, it's Julia Roberts, grab a folded-up newspaper and swat that bitch!

This is another issue, Julia Roberts plays Tinkerbell as sweet, and loving and patient and THE OPPOSITE OF TINKERBELL. If you've read the book or hell even seen any other incarnation of Tinkerbell you'd know she's a jealous, crazy, spiteful little demon with wings. You know, like Julia Roberts.

Zing!

Ok, ok, I got it out of my system. So Tink flies Peter to Neverland where he gets in wacky confrontations with pirates and eventually comes face to face with Hook and Smee, played by Dustin Hoffman and Bob Hoskins respectively, who are both delightfully massive hams, their bests scenes are when it's just the two of them. Like this one, where Hook is threatened with a lifetime of boredom and inactivity due to Peter Banning being lame and decides to kill himself...sort of:



So Hook agrees to give back Peter's kids on the condition that in three days time Peter will have un-pussy'd himself and become Peter Pan again and fight the pirates in a war. Peter agrees even though he has very little idea of what the hell is going on and then he accidentally gets knocked overboard. Then there's a scene with mermaid makeouts:



No, I don't get it either.

Then we meet the Lost Boys who, because it's the nineties, skateboard, play basketball and look like this:

The littlest black kid's character is named Pockets. I can't decide if that's hilarious or racist. The chubby black kid in the back is named Thudbutt. No confusion on that one.

Their fearless, triple-hawked leader is Rufio, who wears a belly shirt and insults Peter with a mix of nineties slang and some shit I'm pretty sure he made up. Also, there's something obviously wrong with Rufio compared to the other Lost Boys.

Aren't you a little, ya know, old to be a Lost Boy?

Hell, his voice is already broken, he's practically a Lost Man.

Anywhoo, Hook forgets Maggie exists (just like everyone else in the movie!) and tries to makes Jack love him, which turns out to be really easy. I mean, all he has to do is let him smash some clocks and watch him play a baseball game and boom! brainwashed. A mental giant, Jack is not. Meanwhile, the Lost Boys work to get Peter to remember his past and be awesome again but it turns out all he needed was a happy thought...and a concussion. That too. After his Never-head trauma, Peter remembers who he truly is, realizes that Jack is his happy thought, changes into the most horrifying outfit in existence and goes off to save Jack and Maggie!

Save Jack and who, now?

Then there's the big ol' final fight, pirates are defeated in hilariously improbable ways, Thudbutt is used as a bowling ball and important characters die horribly and are completely forgotten five minutes later (it's not Maggie this time) and in the end everyone learns a lesson about family, love, growing up, and that Robin Williams should never EVER wear tights. Ever.

I just gave Hook a lot of crap, but that's because I've seen it so many damn times I can pick out all this stuff. It's a cheesy, ridiculous, over-the-top movie but it's heart is in the right place and it's so dang cute you can't not like it. Also ya know, it's a piece of my childhood and all that-stop looking at me like that! I never fantasized about living in Neverland as a child! I definitely didn't make a story where I was the first girl inducted into the Lost Boys when I was seven! And I never had a crush on Rufio. At all. Not even a little bit.

Shut up.

Hook gets a delightfully nostalgic three catapults out five, for awesome sword fights, horrible puns and the most random celebrity cameos ever (can you find Phil Collins, Jimmy Buffet, George Lucas and Carrie Fisher?)

This is Sugary Cynic, saying "my happy thought involves cocoa butter and Jake Gyllenhaal" 'night!

Smee: "I've just had an apostrophe"

Captain Hook: "I think you mean an epiphany"

Smee: (gestures his fingers to his head) "Lightning has just struck my brain"

Captain Hook: "Well, that must've hurt"

11 comments:

  1. Go Dustin Hoffman and Bob Hoskins, everyone else shut the fuck up.

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  2. I hated this film even when I was a kid. Isn't Glenn Close in it under a fake beard somewhere?

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  3. Little boys need to grow up and be men!
    You can always tell when Hollywood is full of fear...those a bunch of stars together...a bomb is coming. I have to say I never went to see the movie...gladly...

    Great write up.

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  4. daww, I loved Hook when I was little ^_^ but then, I didn't discriminate against anything Peter Pan....I still don't, come to think of it...

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  5. Simon: I could live with that

    Unwashed: I've heard it but I'm honestly not sure if that's true or not, need to look it up...

    Marilyn: But at least it's a goofy bomb, with Bob Hoskins...and magic...and stuff (I got nothin)

    Val: You know the makeup people and others who had to work behind the scenes with Julia Roberts had a nickname for her? Tinkerhell :p not even kidding

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  6. I totally wasn't addicted to the story of Peter Pan when I was a child either. Nor did I have a crush on Rufio.

    ...

    I still can't reconcile the fact that Rufio=Zuko in the Last Airbender TV series. Or that guy in the ballroom dance movie with Antonio Banderas.

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  7. "And I never had a crush on Rufio. At all. Not even a little bit." <----- CRADLEROBBER!!!!!!!

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  8. Rachel: the funny thing about that one movie with Antonia Banderas is that rufio plays one of the high schoolers but he's closer in age to Antonio than any of the other "high schoolers" in the movie XD

    Ashley: Um, I was like ten at the time. So nope, sorry :p

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  9. I knoooow! What was he like...thirty? And this was also before Avatar: the Last Airbender ended, and I think he was doing American Dragon Jake Long. Apparently even in his thirties, he sounds like a whiny teenager.

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  10. That's some good writing, loved this film when i was little, watched it everyday for about a month, feels god to reminisce, and it was funny, thanks for this thing you did online in 2010

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  11. Great write up.
    For me, Hook is social/magic realist dressed up as a fairy tale. 'Family' and 'growing up' are common themes throughout Spielberg's film and this is undoubtedly an exploration of what it means to grow up. Lots of key moments (some as subtle as a hammer blow) that back this up.

    Alternate plot:
    Peter is a lousy father and family man
    He drinks himself stupid and passes out
    he dreams of a fantasy land where he is the hero and saves the day
    it's then time to go home
    he wakes up with a raging hangover outside
    back to his forgiving family he goes

    Hook even reminds him
    You know you're not really Peter Pan, don't you? This is only a dream. When you wake up, you'll just be Peter Banning - a cold, selfish man who drinks too much, is obsessed with success, and runs and hides from his wife and children.

    Bangerang.

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