So to combat the nothingness of Wednesday, we watched Hook (partially because I can't find Super Mario Bros, which is rather distressing to me). Now, all of us watching were familiar with and fond of Hook, except Javi, who lived a sad childhood deprived of glorious nineties movie cheese.
So yeah, for those equally deprived, Hook, by Steven "Raptor-bait" Spielberg, tells the story of Peter Pan from where the actual story left off. Sort of. In this world Peter Pan has grown-up, made a family, forgotten he was ever Peter Pan and become Peter Banning (subtle, eh?). Peter Banning is a workaholic, alcoholic douche-monger who misses important sporting events with his children while playing cell phone-draw with his lawyer friends. It's the nineties, go with it. He's selfish, neglectful, devoid of imagination and worst of all, he's Robin Williams.
So yeah, Peter's got two kids, Maggie, who he conveniently forgets about every so often, and his son Jack, who is a bratty little butt-monkey who is sad because his dad's busy a lot. This was always a sore point with me, even as a kid. Yeah, Peter's kind of a dick and works more than he should but jeez, it's obvious he does care about his kids and it's not like he's some kind of monster who beats them or abuses them or makes them ride the Tower of Terror even though you told him it was too scary but he wouldn't listen and made the attendant strap you in knowing FULL WELL that you have a fear of heights and-
Hook. We were talking about Hook.
So Captain Hook appears from...somewhere, and kidnaps Maggie and Jack. Peter decides to deal with this situation by drinking heavily until a fairy appears, but it's not just any fairy, it's the magical and mischievous Tinker Bell!
This is another issue, Julia Roberts plays Tinkerbell as sweet, and loving and patient and THE OPPOSITE OF TINKERBELL. If you've read the book or hell even seen any other incarnation of Tinkerbell you'd know she's a jealous, crazy, spiteful little demon with wings. You know, like Julia Roberts.
Ok, ok, I got it out of my system. So Tink flies Peter to Neverland where he gets in wacky confrontations with pirates and eventually comes face to face with Hook and Smee, played by Dustin Hoffman and Bob Hoskins respectively, who are both delightfully massive hams, their bests scenes are when it's just the two of them. Like this one, where Hook is threatened with a lifetime of boredom and inactivity due to Peter Banning being lame and decides to kill himself...sort of:
So Hook agrees to give back Peter's kids on the condition that in three days time Peter will have un-pussy'd himself and become Peter Pan again and fight the pirates in a war. Peter agrees even though he has very little idea of what the hell is going on and then he accidentally gets knocked overboard. Then there's a scene with mermaid makeouts:
No, I don't get it either.
Then we meet the Lost Boys who, because it's the nineties, skateboard, play basketball and look like this:
The littlest black kid's character is named Pockets. I can't decide if that's hilarious or racist. The chubby black kid in the back is named Thudbutt. No confusion on that one.
Their fearless, triple-hawked leader is Rufio, who wears a belly shirt and insults Peter with a mix of nineties slang and some shit I'm pretty sure he made up. Also, there's something obviously wrong with Rufio compared to the other Lost Boys.
Hell, his voice is already broken, he's practically a Lost Man.
Anywhoo, Hook forgets Maggie exists (just like everyone else in the movie!) and tries to makes Jack love him, which turns out to be really easy. I mean, all he has to do is let him smash some clocks and watch him play a baseball game and boom! brainwashed. A mental giant, Jack is not. Meanwhile, the Lost Boys work to get Peter to remember his past and be awesome again but it turns out all he needed was a happy thought...and a concussion. That too. After his Never-head trauma, Peter remembers who he truly is, realizes that Jack is his happy thought, changes into the most horrifying outfit in existence and goes off to save Jack and Maggie!
Then there's the big ol' final fight, pirates are defeated in hilariously improbable ways, Thudbutt is used as a bowling ball and important characters die horribly and are completely forgotten five minutes later (it's not Maggie this time) and in the end everyone learns a lesson about family, love, growing up, and that Robin Williams should never EVER wear tights. Ever.
I just gave Hook a lot of crap, but that's because I've seen it so many damn times I can pick out all this stuff. It's a cheesy, ridiculous, over-the-top movie but it's heart is in the right place and it's so dang cute you can't not like it. Also ya know, it's a piece of my childhood and all that-stop looking at me like that! I never fantasized about living in Neverland as a child! I definitely didn't make a story where I was the first girl inducted into the Lost Boys when I was seven! And I never had a crush on Rufio. At all. Not even a little bit.
Hook gets a delightfully nostalgic three catapults out five, for awesome sword fights, horrible puns and the most random celebrity cameos ever (can you find Phil Collins, Jimmy Buffet, George Lucas and Carrie Fisher?)
This is Sugary Cynic, saying "my happy thought involves cocoa butter and Jake Gyllenhaal" 'night!
Smee: "I've just had an apostrophe"
Captain Hook: "I think you mean an epiphany"
Smee: (gestures his fingers to his head) "Lightning has just struck my brain"
Captain Hook: "Well, that must've hurt"