Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Hey! Hey, You! No, The One Behind You!

A little to the, the one in the blue! Yes, you! Stop looking at me all goofy-like, I do mean you. Your fly is undone.

So have you ever listened to something for awhile, like an audio-book or something for an extended period of time and the afterwards realized your inner-monologue or what-have-you sounds like the voice you've been listening to? Everything from "my butt itches" to "ghee wiz that man/woman/ambiguously gendered tentacled beast is attractive!" is now in this person's voice? A situation where say, (hypothetically) you watched a crap-ton of Eddie Izzard stand-up and now everything from the email you're reading, "If you continue to follow Mr. Bale home we will be forced to contact the police..." to your inner musings of, "If I were on a desert island with Michael Cera, I wonder how long it would be before I resorted to beaning him on the head with a coconut and using his inert body as a life raft? At least 20 minutes" sounds like:

No? Nobody? Yeah well, me neither! It was test! That all of you passed! Except the weirdos that didn't and they will be properly shunned! Or stoned. Or both. Probably both.

As you may or may not be able to tell, I'm a tad loopy, which is due to the fact that I have stopped sleeping and also because I am mad tired from helping take the boy up to college for freshman move-in day and get him set up. (sniffles) My li'l (6 foot 2) guy :'(

(Sure we're going to the same school and I'll be back up there in three days to move my crap in, but it's much more fun being melodramatic)

School. Yeah. Expect less epicly long posts dissecting the various telling facial tics of Sean Connery and also every instance of homo-eroticism in a Brad Pitt film (actually, that's not a bad idea) and more crap like this:

Why? Because I am going to be a senior at what is the nerdiest school in Florida, and also Georgia just because. It's been proven. There were tests. As a senior, if I want to graduate on top of completing all the necessary credits, blahblahblah, I have to write a FIFTY PAGE THESIS (English major, wheeeee), which is going to be on the graphic novel, Watchmen and 18th century British poetry. Because even that is more academically credible than Sean Connery. However, anyone planning a Bio major might wanna look this over:

He's discovered the fountain of youth! Or at least the fountain of indeterminate old age!

...I was supposed to do something, wasn't I?

Oh yeah, Lucky Number Slevin!

I see no way this could go wrong

So Lucky Number Slevin, which is a pain to type out, is one of those movies that shows you one story and then goes "naw man, it's actually this" kind of like Usual Suspects expect the magic gotcha twist in Lucky Number Slevin is extremely obvious and also it has Josh Hartnett in a towel, which is more than I can say for Keyser Soze.

My jokes are funnier when you've seen the movies I make reference to

So, Josh "half naked for a third of the film" Hartnett plays Slevin, an unfortunate young man who has a condemned apartment, a cheating girlfriend and no job. He goes to stay at his friend Nick's place and discovers a few interesting things:

1. Nick does not seem to be around

2. This might have something to do with the fact that he owes "The Boss" (Morgan Freeman) almost a hundred thousand dollars and "The Rabbi" (Ben Kingsley) another few thousand

But this pales in comparison to:

3. His next door neighbor is Lucy Liu

So yeah, for whatever reason, both The Boss and The Rabbi (rival gangsters who spend their days glaring at each other from their respective headquarters...that are across the street from each other) both seem inclined to believe that Slevin is Nick and force him to do bad things to each other to pay off his debt.

Slevin seems weirdly cool with all this, which is only mentioned in a throwaway line of dialogue by Lucy Liu but it's a pretty big tip-off that Slevin might be more than a hot dude with a broken nose who doesn't know when to stop being a smart-ass. This goes a long way to spoiling the twist ending. Way to go movie.

Also, Bruce Willis plays a dude named Mr. Goodkat who lurks in the high-rise headquarters of both baddies and is connected to Slevin in some way. Also his hair is silly.

John McClane, meet John McComb-over

So, violence ensues, gunfights happen, plots unfold, identities are revealed and everyone speaks in snappy, rapid-fire dialogue you wish was a part of your everyday life. It does nothing new, but it at least makes the old stuff fun. Plus, with Lucy Liu and Josh Hartnett, there's something for everyone! Even you, small percentage of people inexplicably attracted to Ben Kingsley.

Here at Sugary Cynicism, we don't judge. Out loud, anyway.

Three out five catapults for some extremely quotable lines and a free towel show. I suppose I should go start packing. Tomorrow I go see Jon's show, Evil Dead: The Musical! How awesome a horror musical is it? It has a splash zone. This is Sugary Cynic hunting for her theater-going poncho, 'night!

The Boss: (examining Slevin's recently re-broken nose) "I bet it was that mouth that got you that nose"


  1. ...On a totally unrelated note, your quote makes me think of Trekkie from Avenue Q. I now have "The Internet is for Porn" stuck in my head.

    Thank you, in a most genuine yet sarcastic sense.

  2. heh, I do that all the time. Sometimes, for want of an audiobook or Eddie Izzard, my inner monologue speaker sounds a bit more like Lady Wickenshire....and then whatever was being monologued is instantly drowned out by recollections of all the disturbing conversations I would hear in my backseat about lost shillings and pesos.....

  3. If you don't love Ben Kingsley, I just feel sorry for you.

    Morgan Freeman does my voiceovers.

  4. Rachel: ha!

    Val: such shillings that were lost!

    Simon: Classy


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