Monday, August 2, 2010

Bat Week Part 2: Electric Boogaloo

My sleep patterns (or lack thereof) might actually be getting worse. Also my hair is nearly back to original flavor. And school is in less than three weeks. And also Batman.

Basically I am in no way responsible for whatever poorly spelled insanity I attempt to type. You have been warned.

Also new banner quote. Wheeee.

So, in case you missed it, this week is Bat Week (sort of), celebrating the six batman films that we feel like bothering to acknowledge (go away, Adam West, you are unwanted here).

Tonight's Batman film is the first of two unholy abominations that the creature known as Joel Schumacher unleashed upon the world, Batman Forever, which I think as a title is just a tad overly optimistic in this case.

Batman Forever was the studio going "dude, that last one with Penguin and Catwoman was weird, and also kind of depressing. And Tim Burton as a person is just creepy. We need family audiences!"

"Family audiences for the movie about the grown man who dresses up like a bat to stop murderous lunatics because his parents were killed in front of him as a small child?"

"Yes! It shouldn't be dreary! It should be bright, shiny and colorful! Kids like colorful things, right? And the villains should be goofy and non-threatening! And also Jim Carey! It'll be great! Pass me my victory cocaine!"

And so it was.

But how does this neon ass-fest rank under my handy and/or dandy Bat-system (copyright pending)? Let's find out!

Batman: Val Kilmer, man. He used to be hot, possibly even "hawt" but let's not get crazy.

I'd take a ride in his batmobile, if you know what I'm sayin (I don't)

Then he became this:

Here he is well into the second trimester of his pregnancy

Anyway, he's an all right batman, to be honest. He decides to go the broody route, constantly moping about his dead parents or dick grayson's dead parents or the fact that thee love interest prefers batman over Bruce Wayne. Mope mope mope. But he mopes and broods while oozing a trail of sex and charm, the bastard. As for the batsuit, well ya know...nipples.

Joel Schumacher may look innocent, but that is the smile of a man with some really unsettling fetishes

Music: Not too much to say here, it's Elliot Goldenthal, who has done some really great scores, like Interview With A Vampire, but it's really just Danny Elfman's score only ratcheted up to eleven (and not in the good ratchet up to eleven way) it's like 95% horngasm.

Gotham City: Ugh. Remember the original Batman's dark and understated architecture, the feeling of the thirties and forties converging on the modern day? Fuck that! This Gotham is Tokyo on LSD. It's almost impossible to really describe without overusing the terms "neon", "drug-induced" and "vomit" it doesn't look like anyone would actually live there, only visit it in their most deep-seated nightmares.

Villains: Yeah, no Jokers here. The main villains are Jim Carey, playing The Riddler the way only a Ritalin-starved ten year old who has been force-fed twenty pixie stix could and Tommy Lee Jones as Two-Face, who must have really needed some money that year and probably can't even think about this movie without violently flinching. Half of Two-Face's dialogue isn't even actual words, mostly just strangled yells and grunts. Also he plays up the whole "split personality" thing just a bit too much:

Gadgets: Mostly just grapple-dealies again. Some weird-ass taser mabobber in the beginning. Unless you want to count the Bat-plane and Bat-boat as gadgets, which are retarded. But yeah, the ridiculous stuff, like the Bat-credit card, they saved the for the next one.

Ladies: Nicole Kidman plays psychologist (in movie language that means magical bullshit machine) Chase Meridian. And as a woman who is turned on by Batman, going as far as turning on the Bat signal just so she can throw herself at him, possibly in need of a psychologist as well. She's shallow, stupid, horny and generally uninteresting. Vicki Vale might have had her irritating moments but she was well-rounded, plucky and likable. Chase Meridian is a pretty shell full to bursting with daddy issues and annoyingness.

Secondary Characters: Not many. Two-Face's two crony girls who accentuate his two sides (one of which is Drew Barrymore, who must have lost one hell of a bet). Also Riddler's boss is funny for the brief moment he's in the movie. That's really it. Really.


Goddamn it, Robin is so awful. At the best of times. And then there's this movie's Robin, which they somehow made even worse. Now, I get that they made him older to scooch away from that whole Bat-pedophilia issue, but Chris O' Donnell was 25 when they filmed this, and he looks 25. Yep, he's just a 25 year old circus performer who is remanded into Bruce Wayne's custody despite obviously being an adult with his own social security and pubic hair. Go figure. As a character he is a whiny little bastard who takes up space. He is irritating as hell, his emotion never feels real and 100 effing % of his dialogue is:

"Bruce, you don't get it, YOUR parents totally weren't murdered in front of you! I wanna kill Two-Face even though I'm pretty little pansy! Why don't you listen to me?! You don't get me, no one gets me but Alfred! Alfred says I can fight crime and have chocolate milk and stay up past ten! You're mean! I hate you! I wish I'd never been weirdly adopted despite the fact that I'm obviously a grown man! I'm gonna write about this on my myspace!"

And so on and so forth until the Riddler has mercy on the audience:

Oh thank God

Sheer WTF-ery: One of my favorite lines from the whole history of movies everywhere happens to be in this movie:


Also there is a great line that is often missed but when caught and examined it is brilliant in it's sheer "wait did he just say that?!" The scene is Bruce trying to entice Dick into staying at Wayne Manor by showing him all his neato motorcycles and stuff. Dick still says he's going to go off on his own, to which Bruce replies "I'm sure you'll land on your feet"

"Even though your parents sure didn't! Ba-Zing!"

Also there's the glow-in-the-dark neon face paint gang:

I won't ruin this with words

Finally, the best WTF-ery in the movie is the relationship between Riddler and Two-Face who have far more chemistry together than Chase Meridian and Batman. They just play off each other disturbingly well and that's when the realization came. Two-Face and Riddler are totally a couple. Crazy? Am I? View the facts:

It all makes sense now! (No it doesn't)

Aaaaand Batmobile:

I would love it if someone explained to me why the Batmobile has a dorsal fin

This movie is like if a five year old with access to far too much money decided to make a Batman film. It's overblown, underwritten, loud, annoying and a visual eyesore. But it's still better than Batman and Robin, which earns it one and half bats out five. (seriously, someone take these half bats, they're nasty).

Also, if you're not already a Facebook fan, I'm two away from finally reaching the coveted hundred, so, you might wanna, ya know, click that big blue box over there on the right and make me a bit happier. For the children (but mostly me). 'Night!

"JOYGASM!" -The Riddler as he destroys the Batcave


  1. Is the movie Just Like Heaven?

  2. Ameer: Are you including animated movies? I saw batman: under the red hood and it's pretty good

  3. Simon: You can say that again

    Rich: Not to be all "j'accuse!" but I am skeptical that you knew this without cheating

    Ameer: Nah, while there are some freaking great animated batman movies, there are six live action ones and that is a crapton and I am just one girl!

  4. Cheat? Muah? Never! :D Actually I was forced to watch that trill by my wife, along with other notables like The Lake House, Serendipity, Raising Helen and other such teary shiznet. Try as I might to block out the pain, I just happened to remember it. Though it wasn't as bad as Dark Knight! ;p

  5. fair enough, j'accuse retracted!

  6. My picture! ;p Dark Knight Batman(Bale) bowing to the might and superiority of Clooney Batman(in fruity nipple suit, if you can pull it off!) Thank you! And good night!


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