Next, Unwashed correctly guessed the banner quote the other day and requested his shitty Paint picture be "The Crow being verbally abused by Michael J. Fox" Well here, for your viewing pleasure is Michael J. Fox (ok, Marty McFly), giving The Crow a tongue-lashing:
Hope you're pleased, UnwashedMass, because it's your fault it exists.
Moving on, so you remember way way (WAY) back for April Fool's day I created a wholly unconvincing post that claimed I was giving up Sean Connery worship because it was getting too embarrassing? ...That crazed supposition might soon be a reality. What, you might ask, could bring me to such a frightening crossroads? Well, not quite as way back I mentioned that my dream of Sean Connery rising from retirement like the Kraken emerging from the darkest waters of the ocean was now an unfortunate reality. Unfortunate because he was coming out of retirement to voice a skateboarding grandpa who had to save a beaver named Bessie-Boo
And if the premise was not enough to confirm that this would be a heaping pile of awful, there is now a trailer. I warn you, this is not for the squeamish or faint of heart. Hide the children.
It's like the hideous lovechild of a 90's PC game and those weird foreign Pixar knock-off movies made to confuse old people buying presents for their grandchildren. O Sean Connery, why have you forsaken me?! I was loyal, when people pointed out that you never change your accent I asserted that you didn't need to. When people claimed you were just playing yourself over and over I explained to them that yourself was awesome. So why did you deny being in Indiana Jones and possibly saving it from mediocrity, only to be a part of what looks like something a first year film student animated for mentally challenged children?
Well, you know what they say, when God gives you lemons you FIND A NEW GOD. I am now way too depressed to do a Sean Connery movie Sunday, and therefore have decided instead to start reviewing potential replacements for Sean Connery as my Idol and General Role Model:
Pros: He was Scar in the Lion King! Also he is all British and proper exterior but wickedly funny and he drives a motorcycle which is very bad-ass for an old dude. He is the consummate movie villain and also he can sing quite well. Unlike Sean Connery. And this, just this:
Cons: HE CAN ONLY STAR IN HORRIBLE HORRIBLE FANTASY FILMS NOW
Eragon, Dungeons and Dragons, The Time Machine, these are movies so bad they have been outlawed by the Geneva Convention as a means of torture.
Nicholas Ca-Hey! Who put this here?! It better not have been you, Nicholas Cage! I don't care how wonderful you were in Matchstick Men, you are a sad, sad man who named his son Kal-El.
Pros: SO MANY. Maybe I've been going the wrong way about this whole role model thing. I need a lady to show me how to be a lady. And what better lady than one as classy, sophisticated, mature and absolutely ball-shriveringly intimidating as Helen Mirren? Here's a woman who will never let me down by doing some stupid, tasteless paycheck of a movie.
Pros: Lookit that face! Ain't that the most adorable cop/killer/criminal/pirate/ancient swordsman/con artist/crouching tiger/hidden dragon you ever did see? He's also a kick-ass action star most famous for doing this:
Cons: Is it possible to be too much of a stone-cold pimp?
So who of these three do you think should I consider taking the throne away from Sir Sean? Or am I being too hard on America's Favorite Scotsman? Do you even care? Are you gonna finish eating that? Can I have it?
This is Sugary Cynic, going to bang her head against a wall until head trauma erases the Sir Billi the Vet trailer from her brain. 'Night!
Chow Yun Fat: "I can't afford any of these apartments!"
Cop: "Why not live in a government apartment?"
Chow Yun Fat: "No way, I make too much for that! Wait... jazz bar! I'll live in the jazz bar!"
Cop: "At least you'll get a lot of 'sax'" -Hardboiled aka Most Kick-ass John Woo movie EVER