Sunday, July 11, 2010

So Who Wants To Be My New Idol?

Lot of things going on today. First off, though you cannot see it, that strange feeling of embarrassment you're getting is from me doing my happy dance because I won the post contest over the The Blog Farm! I actually thought I was going to get disqualified because I found out I wasn't supposed to ask you guys to vote. It was supposed to be registered users only but this was the first time they had run the contest so not all the kinks were worked out and since unregistered users COULD vote, I thought they were supposed to. I felt like such an asshole when I found out :( but after this they devised a different system of judging or somesuch and I won legit, which makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside.

Just like that

Next, Unwashed correctly guessed the banner quote the other day and requested his shitty Paint picture be "The Crow being verbally abused by Michael J. Fox" Well here, for your viewing pleasure is Michael J. Fox (ok, Marty McFly), giving The Crow a tongue-lashing:

Well...he does kind of have a point

Hope you're pleased, UnwashedMass, because it's your fault it exists.

Moving on, so you remember way way (WAY) back for April Fool's day I created a wholly unconvincing post that claimed I was giving up Sean Connery worship because it was getting too embarrassing? ...That crazed supposition might soon be a reality. What, you might ask, could bring me to such a frightening crossroads? Well, not quite as way back I mentioned that my dream of Sean Connery rising from retirement like the Kraken emerging from the darkest waters of the ocean was now an unfortunate reality. Unfortunate because he was coming out of retirement to voice a skateboarding grandpa who had to save a beaver named Bessie-Boo

And if the premise was not enough to confirm that this would be a heaping pile of awful, there is now a trailer. I warn you, this is not for the squeamish or faint of heart. Hide the children.

It's like the hideous lovechild of a 90's PC game and those weird foreign Pixar knock-off movies made to confuse old people buying presents for their grandchildren. O Sean Connery, why have you forsaken me?! I was loyal, when people pointed out that you never change your accent I asserted that you didn't need to. When people claimed you were just playing yourself over and over I explained to them that yourself was awesome. So why did you deny being in Indiana Jones and possibly saving it from mediocrity, only to be a part of what looks like something a first year film student animated for mentally challenged children?

Well, you know what they say, when God gives you lemons you FIND A NEW GOD. I am now way too depressed to do a Sean Connery movie Sunday, and therefore have decided instead to start reviewing potential replacements for Sean Connery as my Idol and General Role Model:

Jeremy Irons

Pros: He was Scar in the Lion King! Also he is all British and proper exterior but wickedly funny and he drives a motorcycle which is very bad-ass for an old dude. He is the consummate movie villain and also he can sing quite well. Unlike Sean Connery. And this, just this:


Eragon, Dungeons and Dragons, The Time Machine, these are movies so bad they have been outlawed by the Geneva Convention as a means of torture.

Nicholas Ca-Hey! Who put this here?! It better not have been you, Nicholas Cage! I don't care how wonderful you were in Matchstick Men, you are a sad, sad man who named his son Kal-El.

Helen Mirren

Pros: SO MANY. Maybe I've been going the wrong way about this whole role model thing. I need a lady to show me how to be a lady. And what better lady than one as classy, sophisticated, mature and absolutely ball-shriveringly intimidating as Helen Mirren? Here's a woman who will never let me down by doing some stupid, tasteless paycheck of a movie.


It's like I can't trust anyone anymore...

Chow Yun Fat

Pros: Lookit that face! Ain't that the most adorable cop/killer/criminal/pirate/ancient swordsman/con artist/crouching tiger/hidden dragon you ever did see? He's also a kick-ass action star most famous for doing this:

Hell Yeah!

Cons: Is it possible to be too much of a stone-cold pimp?

Not when you're Chow Yun Fat

So who of these three do you think should I consider taking the throne away from Sir Sean? Or am I being too hard on America's Favorite Scotsman? Do you even care? Are you gonna finish eating that? Can I have it?

This is Sugary Cynic, going to bang her head against a wall until head trauma erases the Sir Billi the Vet trailer from her brain. 'Night!

Chow Yun Fat: "I can't afford any of these apartments!"

Cop: "Why not live in a government apartment?"

Chow Yun Fat: "No way, I make too much for that! Wait... jazz bar! I'll live in the jazz bar!"

Cop: "At least you'll get a lot of 'sax'" -Hardboiled aka Most Kick-ass John Woo movie EVER


  1. Cheers for the Shitty Paint Picture! It is everything I dreamed and more. Can I repost it on my blog? I will put up some linkage for you too!

    And, of the three choices, I would go with Dame Helen. Chow Yun Fat's Hollywood output and Irons' quality control leave a lot to be desired, but Mirren is super classy, uber-hot and all-round awesome, even when she is in shit films. And not even Nicolas Cage's wig can upstage her.

  2. Yeah, go for it. Show my shitty picture with pride! And yeah, last night I totally forgot about Dragonball Evolution (shudder)

  3. I feel like I just wrote a public service announcement for you:

  4. Congratulations on the Blog Farm award! You deserve the kudos.

    Keep up the greeat pressure.

    Be well,

  5. My vote is for Jeremy Irons. He was Humburt Humburt in Lolita. <3
    [wow. uh... why do I know that?]

  6. Jeremy Irons does kick ass. Fuck you, Connery, you skateboarding nit.

    (perhaps I was a bit harsh)

    Dude, that guy is fucking scary.

  7. Ron: I'm making a face at you. Just know that :p

    Brenda: I wasn't gonna ask...

    Simon: Maybe just a tad


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