Sunday, July 11, 2010

The Paranormal Activity Post

On the night of July 10th/morning of July 11th, a young blogger named Sugary Cynic watched Paranormal Activity with her best friend and attempted to write a blog post about it. This is the transcript of the post as discovered by the authorities:

So I'm over at Jon's house to watch Paranormal Activity. When it comes to horror movies I'm usually a giant weenie-head but I heard so much stuff about the movie and Jon really likes it so why not give it a watch?

(Warning! Spoilers range from Mild to Spicy Barbecue)

...So, these are our heroes, or at least our poor doomed couple, Kate and Michah. God they look like annoying little yuppies.

In lieu of actual personalities, it seems Kate and Micah have been given one intensely magnified trait: Kate is a whiner and Micah is a cocky dumbass. There's apparently weird shit going on in their house, Micah's response is to videotape said weird shit and antagonize whatever's causing it as much as humanly possibly. Kate wisely thinks this is a bad idea, but rather than do anything to stop Micah, she just whines and frets and occasionally does beadwork.

They sleep, and THE DOOR CREAKS EVER SO SLIGHTLY

Jon: Spooooky doooor!!

Me: oh noes! Not the spooky door!

Also there are spoooooky fooootsteps. Man, I'm a wuss and I'm not scared. This is silly.

This psychic dude visits them and it's like those cheesy shows on the History Channel with names like "Living With A Ghost" that are full of DRAMATIC RE-ENACTMENTS. So apparently it's some kind of demon thing. Also Micah continues to piss it off because he's a moron. He seriously does everything but claim this demon/ghost/thing has a hilariously inadequate penis. It's like he wants to die horribly. Also Kate reveals this whatever has been following her ass around for years, you think she'd be more of a basketcase. Another night, more noises and...

Me: What the hell?! How big is that house?

Jon: Seriously, TWO guest bedrooms and a walk-in closet

Me: I bet they come from money

Jon: They would have to

Me: Bastards

And Kate whines some more and it's nighttime and- SHIT! What was that? What was that? It roared and banged. Holy crap! They're taking this very well! Are they going back to bed, what's wrong with them?!

So, they're pretty ok with this whole demonic presence thing. Micah taunts it some more. I will not be surprised if the demon makes Kate it's meat puppet and stabs Micah in the ass. I mean ser-

Jon: Did you see that shadow?

Me: Wha? No, rewind it.

(rewinding)

Me: HOLY CRAP I SEE IT. WHAT IS THAT?!

Micah, continuing against all odds to be a total asshat, gets a Ouija board, which as soon as he leaves the room SETS ON FIRE. Once more, Micah and Kate do not run screaming into the night but argue and bitch at each other. It's like a bad reality show: Micah and Kate plus SATANIC HELLBEAST. And now Kate's sleepwalking, shit that's actually pretty creepy.

Me: ...Their floors are nice. I want wood floors in my house.

Jon: (uncontrolled laughter)

Me: What? Hardwood floors are nice! Ho damn, what's that banging sound? Shit, it's moving the sheets on their bed!!

Oh jeez don't go into the attic you dumbass! You massive massive dumbass!! Pleaseletthisscenebeoverpleaseletthisscenebeoverpleaseletthisscenebeover HOLY BALLS IN SPACE!!!

So this demon apparently just hops from woman to woman, picking them out at age 8, burning down their childhood homes and following them around, straining their relationships and hiding in their guest rooms? Leaving mementos in their attic? Must have a lot of free time...

Me: HOLY GOD DID YOU SEE THAT?

Jon: YES!!

OH SHIT, WHAT IS THAT?! SHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHIT. Ok, it's over, it's ok, it's daylight and monsters never attack during OH SWEET MOTHER OF SEAN CONNERY WHAT THE FUCK?!

Me: Dude, did you hear her voice?

Jon: I so did not notice that the first time around, that is fucking scary!

Ohno ohno ohno ohno ohno I WAS RIGHT! I WAS SO FUCKING RIGHT! Oh hell those footsteps are getting louder. And louder. And louder. God dammit, stoppit! That's not cool!

Me: (YELP)

(Long scary intense moment of absolute silence)

*BANG MOTHAFUCKA!!*

Me: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jon: Wanna watch the alternate ending?

Me: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA yes AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(The Alternate Ending is possibly even more horrifying because of various implications)

Oh dude, no! SHIT NO!! THAT IS NOT OK!

Among the scribbled notes found at the scene of the movie-watching was a message that read: "Tell Christian Bale I love him, and also Paranormal Activity is a fantastically creepy, subtle movie that ratchets up the tension without sacrificing the film's sense of simplicity, but goddamn it, Micah is a moron. Four catapults out five.

5 comments:

  1. ...I now feel terrible for saying I fell asleep while watching this movie.

    But I agree, it's good. It feels more possible than alot of other horror movies, if that makes any sense. I wonder if the moviemaker did his homework on paranormal cases.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Like you, I am a wuss about horror films...simply don't like them. So thank you very much for the review. Your great description was scary enough for me...so I'm good.

    Great post!

    ReplyDelete
  3. You never cease to amuse, Sugar. Dunno if you seen my thing about PA :

    http://theintermittentsprocket.blogspot.com/2009/12/scary-movies.html

    ReplyDelete
  4. I'll never watch this ever. You can't make me.

    (I hate annoying couples. Love it when they're tortured by ghosts, thought)

    ReplyDelete
  5. Rachael: ...way to make me feel like a wuss :p

    Ron: Good to know it's not just me lol. Glad I could give you the condensed version

    Unwashed: Thanks :D also I actually hadn't read your review yet, it was really great!

    Simon: I will sneak into your home and put in your DVD player when you are not looking *whooooooo* (spooky hand-waving)

    ReplyDelete

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