Saturday, July 31, 2010

THE GRAND FINALE aka Helen Mirren Would Win A Bitch Fight

Hey guys, so today was pretty slow, I do want to announce the arrival of a new thingy I will be doing this coming week that shall be known as Bat Week! Devised by none other Jon, my BFFDTGC (Best Friend Forever Due To Geographical Convenience), Bat Week is a trip through the three directors and six movies of the Batman series, the first two by Tim Burton, the shitty two by Joel Schumacher, and the most recent two by Christopher Nolan. We briefly considered including the two awesome animated Batman movies, Mask of the Phantasm and Return of the Joker as well as the crazy-ass 60's movie with Adam West, but good God, we are only human. So look forward to lots and lots and LOTS of Batman: The good, the bad, and erect-nipple-suited.

Who knew that fighting Gotham's criminal element was such a turn-on?

There's really not much to talk about except-


What was that?




Oh. Oh my. Ms. Mirren, you're looking unnaturally ripped this evening. As if I didn't have enough traumatizing memories of my grandmother kicking my ass in arm wrestling. Please go back to crashing through the surf like the terrifying example of a mature sex goddess you are and I'll go back to talking about-


Jesus, what now?

Ah, Jeremy Irons. And you brought a large bladed weapon from one of your several atrocious fantasy films. What's weird is that Helen Mirren's abdominals are still more intimidating. Anyway, like I was saying when-

Oh for Christ's sake just show whatever threatening picture of Chow Yun Fat is next, I'm ready!

No I'm not.

As I am oh so subtly hinting towards, (or if for some reason you didn't see the title), my search for a new questionable celebrity role model has reached it's peak, and it's time for an all-out brawl. Helen Mirren has decided to use her cripplingly awesome swimsuit figure as her weapon, Jeremy Irons has chosen a frightening mix of a really big sword and the ability to sing Broadway tunes, and Chow Yun Fat will use...his mustache.

And guns. Those too.

Let the bloodbath begin!

Ever the English gentleman, Irons avoids going after Mirren (or maybe just because he's afraid of her) and instead takes a swing at Chow Yun Fat, slicing off the muzzle of his machine gun while giving a rousing rendition of "Be Prepared" from the Lion King. But Chow Yun Fat IS prepared and has several handguns hidden on his person. Run, Jeremy Irons, run!

Meanwhile, Helen Mirren isn't just sitting around preening while the boys go at it. She's got her Queen Elizabeth wig out and without so much as a shred of national unity, begins to savagely beat Jeremy Irons over the head with it. Revenge for his scene stealing in their HBO miniseries together?

(Suddenly, my brother walks in)

Jared: "What the hell's going on?"

Me: "Several rather famous actors are fighting for the title of my idol."

Jared: "...Have you been eating the instant coffee grounds again?"

Me: "Yes."

And suddenly the fight takes an unexpected turn when doves appear from nowhere! Those nasty little albino pigeons are everywhere and Irons and Mirren are blinded, but strangely, Chow Yun Fat seems used to them!

It looks like Chow Yun Fat has gained the upper hand! Because he has the warrior bad-ass's code of honor, he too disregards Helen Mirren and leans in to stab Jeremy Irons with his own sword while the terrified actor wails a song from My Fair Lady. But wait! Tired of being ignored, Helen Mirren has taken a prop from her new movie RED and shit is about to get real:

You are encouraged to make your own machine gun noises at this point in the post

The dust settles and the one left standing is the multiple-times Queen of England herself, Helen Mirren!

Suck it, bitches

You saw it here, folks. Helen Mirren is-

Waittaminute, what now?!

Sean Connery has returned! And he brought a...what the hell is that? Whatever strange wooden token he has with him, he's using it on Helen Mirren because, as Barbara Walters reported, Sir Sean has a bit of an issue with smacking up ladies. That issue being that he has none.

You're not winning any new points, Connery.

But it seems Bond has stopped attempting to concuss Mirren and she is kicking his ass with her large and manly thighs of DOOM. They seem pretty evenly matched but now, wait, they're changing tactics, it's a whole new fighting style, and...oh God they're having sex.

Well...if Helen Mirren was the winner, and Sean Connery is currently giving her the business...Huh. Sean Connery wins.

Don't act like you didn't see this coming

*blink* *handful of coffee grounds* *blink*

Seriously, what just happened?

"Hell if I know. Nap time?"

...Yeah ok. This is is Sugary Cynic with a mouth full of instant coffee grounds and a living room full of wounded actors. And now Jeremy Irons is raiding the fridge. Awesome. 'Night.

"Perhaps I'm not a good actor, but I would be even worse at doing anything else" -Sean Connery


  1. my new favoritye activity is reading ur blog while moderately intoxicated. cheers bitch.

  2. You're weak. Obviously, Mirren was giving him a sympathy fuck. Mirren wins.

    This made me laugh.

  3. Ashley: glad to know I fill that niche in your life, you delightful alcoholic.

    Simon: (shrugs) obviously

  4. Something tells me that Connery's aging ticker couldn't stand a few rounds of Mirren-love. Mirren would be last one standing.


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