Also, since the time is now after 1am, that means it is July 10th which in turn means ONLY 10 MORE DAYS TIL THE FINAL SCOTT PILGRIM BOOK!!!
If you lean in close enough to your monitor, you can actually FEEL the awesome emanating from it in waves
I am so excited for this book I cannot even convey it in regular human words.
Anywhoo, today's post is about famous people who are willing to totally and completely debase themselves in order to finance that statue of them made entirely out of cocaine and gold leaf. Sometimes these things are awesome, generally they are sad and/or hilarious, and occasionally, they are weird beyond all reason. Let's explore some, shall we? (We shall).
First up is a very young and gloriously-haired Bruce Willis, singing a heartfelt, bluesy song...about wine coolers. Which are like wine, but even wussier:
Because when you're chilling out with your friends on the porch of some shit-heap house, drinking a beverage meant for eighty-year old men, don't you just wanna sing about it? To your dog?
Oh but we have not yet begun to plumb the depths of celebrity debasement. To do that we need the wonderful country of Japan, which, according to their TV commercials, is always on some really great narcotics, doesn't ask questions and exists for famous people to shill crap like they never have before. Take Nicholas Cage, a man who likes Pachinko, a sort of pinball gambling game. And I mean he really likes it. A LOT:
I am no expert on these things, but I am fairly certain he orgasmed on that first "PACHINKO!"
Continuing through the wonderful world of Japanese ads draining away dignity, here's a guy who never had much to begin with: Hulk Hogan, cheerfully singing the days of the week in a commercial for...babies? Clouds? Cloud-Babies?
Oooh! Air conditioning! ...That still doesn't explain the "come hither" look he gives the baby. But then, nothing could.
And if we're discussing the art of Japanese pandering that is Japandering, I would be remiss if I didn't mention the classic Arnold Schwarzenegger commercials where he plays an insane energy drink genie with a booming laugh and cold, dead eyes:
Does it make me want to drink the energy drink? No. Does it make me want to hid under my bed in a terrified fetal position? Yes, but the computer wouldn't fit.
Finally, we reach what is without a doubt the weirdest of the bunch. This...thing, starring Isabella Rossellini that teaches you about how various animals and insects um, get it on. The scary part is that I'm not sure if this was just for a paycheck, she's a just bit too into it. Watch and be afraid:
What. The. Fuck. And this is not a one-off thing, they are at least dozen of these, all involving learning about how specific animals do it, and Isabella Rossellini making horribly uncomfortable noises. Why does this exist?! It's created a new vortex of terror for me. Before I go to sleep I'm gonna have to check under the bed to make sure Isabella Rossellini isn't under my bed dressed up as a praying mantis (shudder). This is Sugary Cynic saying "Ew" 'night!