Thursday, June 3, 2010

When In Doubt, Be Dirty

So I haven't really had to time to watch movies or do anything all that interesting. Jon and I did some adventuring at the mall of Saw and Grass and I continue to intern and occasionally flirt stammeringly in French but that's kind of it. Where am I going with this? Well there's this status meme going on with Facebook along the lines of "like my status and I will write something nice on your wall/share a fond memory/pee on your family pets" sort of thing. As a joke my brother posted "like my status and I will take a picture of myself with a cheese grater on my head holding a piece of paper with your name written backwards." Funny...but then half an hour later I had to help take 25 pictures of this:



So, in the spirit of being silly I put up "like my status and I will write a dirty haiku on your wall" thinking that no one wants smut poetry on their facebook wall. 19 dirty haikus later and it has occurred to me that I might have poor taste in friends. Anyway, I am kind of twistedly proud of them because I made each on up on the spot in about thirty seconds so because what good is a blog if you can't use to spread your evil and stroke your ego, here they all are in one place:

SUGARY CYNIC PRESENTS A GOOD DEAL OF DIRTY POETRY IN THE STYLE OF 5-7-5:

Lady, you are nice
But nothing happens unless
you shave your back hair

Why do you stand so?
Look so uncomfortable-oh!
...you have a boner

The sun starts to rise
The morning shows your face-Damn!
Last night you were hot

When I see your face
A song comes into my heart
"what, what, in the butt"

Saw you on the street
Working your thang like a pro
Girl, you is a ho

This diamond necklace
Represents my love for you
Now where's my blow job?

My flag is raised high
As I step out to the day
Without any pants

Playful Spring wind blows
Lifts my skirt up past my butt
Bad day for a thong

I am so sorry
it's never happened before
Got some Cialis?

Put that thing away!
There are children here! And it's
Not that impressive

(then my Dad liked my status):

You are my dad, so
I feel like it would be weird
To make a dick joke

(then I made a rhyming one about Twilight):

I am not undead
Please stop calling me Ed. And,
No glitter in bed

I said I'm sorry!
I guess that's a no to the
Question of butt-sex...

Yum! I love hot dogs!
But perhaps you'd like to try
My wiener instead

Oh no! Agh, my eye!
I guess you could say that I
Didn't see that coming

You asked me the time
My watch says it's five minutes
Until naked time

What?! You don't have one?
Me neither, I thought you did!
...Can I wear this sock?

Your apology
Would be more sincere if you
Would stop boning her

Hmm, I think I see
You're saying that you don't want
Me to stick it there

Truly I am a lyrical wordsmith of the highest order

There once was once a girl with a trick
For writing up lines that were sick
Were they outrightly political?
Or too analytical?
No mostly they were about dick

I AM GENRE-HOPPING ARTISTE WITH A THINGY OVER THE E TO SHOW MY SNOOTERY.

I am going to stop before this becomes weirder. And more in rhyme. Bye.

7 comments:

  1. I might just be pursuaded to make a Facebook account.

    No. No I will not.

    ReplyDelete
  2. OMG I love this! Thank you for the great laugh! People never cease to amaze me...
    Stay Fabulous
    Chara
    http://charasjewelcandy.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  3. I liked your status
    You said nothing back to me
    This was good enough

    ReplyDelete
  4. simon: then me writing dirty poems specifically for you will have to remain a far-off dream lol

    chara: thanks! I do what I can to maintain certain levels of fabulous

    jacob:
    check your wall dipstick
    there is totally one there
    the one with back hair

    (for reals)

    ReplyDelete
  5. Sugary!

    You are truly wicked funny. Please keepit up...loved the poem.

    You got talent young lady!!!

    Ron

    ReplyDelete
  6. My wall is broken
    I cannot see through despair
    My oversight. Forgive?

    ReplyDelete
  7. ron: thanks as always :D

    jacob: i have a headache so i forgive you but can't do it in any form of rhyme or meter

    ReplyDelete

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