Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Steven Seagal, You Are Not Asian

Ok so recently I installed one of those neat little feedjit widgets that tells me who has visited my little blogamabob and where they came from. Thanks to it I now know all kinds of creepy facts like Simon's hometown, or that my fellow humorist at The Daily Sketch continues to read me whilst in Germany (ok that one's kind of a shot in the dark, it could possibly just be some random German person). Also I know the random shit people type into Google that leads them here. It is mostly, as you would expect, searches containing the words "sean" or "connery" but in the past week it's been a lot of people attempting to hunt down quotes by Alfred Molina's character in Prince of Persia (which proves my point that he was the best thing about it) and also two really creepy searches for gay cartoon porn of Generator Rex >.< (lalalala scrubbing horrific thoughts from my brain, don't think about gay cartoon porn, think of pirates, or ponies...think of pirate ponies!)

Much better

Moving on, today's post, as you can see from title is about the issue of the BP oil spill and the political and bureaucratic issues that have kept it from being handled properly...Nah! That's far too topical and mature. Let's talk about Steven Seagal instead. Now, Steven Seagal wasn't always a name associated with barely contained giggles and general derision. Believe it or not there was once a time when the name "Seagal" put as much fear in the human soul as "Norris." Shocking, yes, but true. And with good reason, back in the day, he could do this:

It's scientifically impossible to watch that and not cringe when he crunches the living hell out of their bones and various other important body parts. So what happened? What turned the Akido Ass-Kicking-Machine into such a joke? Well, this for starters:

And also his general reputation as an arrogant, raging ass-face.(But rest assured the whole musical career thing still did some damage). Jean Claude Van-Roundhouse Kick was suffering from similar mockery and ridiculousness as he went from bad-ass to bad joke, but he managed to redeem himself somewhat in the arguably awesome film JCVD in 2008, (seriously, watch the clip it's fucking great)

Anyway, whereas Jean Claude attempted (and succeeded, in my book) to re-legitimatize himself, Seagal has continued to sink happily into the bile of total and hilarious mediocrity:


Why all this talk of Steven Seagal? At the behest of my brother and my own sick curiosity, this summer we are making our way through most of the movies in his catalog, trying to stick to the earlier ones where he would seriously fuck people up. Last summer we watched roughly 20-odd Asian Martial Arts action movies, traveling from Tony Jaa to Donnie Yen to Chow Yun Fat. That became the Summer of The Asian Action Movie, this one's shaping up to be the Summer of Seagal. The three or four movies we've watched so far have all had roughly the same plot: Seagal is cop with a preposterous name who has seen too much, he bonds with his family, the bad guys hurt his family, he beats them to a pulp with various levels of bone crunchery. Also he generally spouts Zen mysticism BS and seems very convinced that he is in fact an Asian man. Here's a glimpse of our time in the land of Seagal:

And to think, we could be doing something productive with our lives. Well that's just about all the Steven Seagal I can handle (it doesn't help that my fingers keep wanting to type "Seagull" either). I leave you with an amendment to my previous statement that Seagal hasn't tried to redeem himself. I forgot about the 2008 Onion movie, which featured a gag trailer of Seagal as the dreaded...Cock-Puncher!


  1. I remember when I posted my Kick-Ass review, there were an inordinate amount of people who came across (no pun intended) my blog by searching for unsavoury things to do with Hit-Girl and the wee lassie who plays her. For SHAME!

    Seagal's best performance is in Executive Decision. Cos it's his shortest!

    I make the funnies.

  2. Hey Sugary

    Never was a Seagal fan and found it a little pathetic when he transformed from and Eastern whatever to having a bit of a bayou drawl as a fake cop on his latest offering. His physique of late looks like he has been kicking holes in donuts more than anything...which goes with being a cop I suppose.

    Just saying :)

  3. Yeah, that'd be me.


    (okay so maybe I do the same thing, what about it)

  4. Let's not forget the absolute Best Steven Seagal fame to date, Under Siege! It was mostly good because the girl with the huge knockers coming out of the cake, but Steven actually broke his own mold with that particular role and stopped the three-word title streak of his previous movie list (i.e. Hard to Kill, Above the Law, Marked for Death, etc.).


    If you must, send me a lovely fruit basket. Make it worth the immense violation of my person.

    I'll take a DVD, though. Seriously, I could report your ass.


    JCVD is my favorite movie of 2008 (unless I think of something else). Steven Seagal is hilarious, and I kind of want in on these MST3K thinks you got going on.

  6. Unwashed: Ew. Also I actually kinda like Executive Decision, in the words of Roger Ebert "any movie willing to kill Steven Seagal off in 20 minutes has my attention"

    Ron: He is sad, chubby man who could once snap bones like a toothpick. I kind of want to commit a crime in Louisiana and have him try to arrest me so I can say I outran Steven Seagal

    Noli: :D not creepy, just overtly observant! (avoid those spiral-y staircases!)

    Jacob: Under Siege is next on our Seagal list

    Simon: I will send you a DVD made of fruit baskets. And you can totally have in on the MST3K-ing...CUZ I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE

  7. Seriously, dude, that widget is creepy, and I can't go on a site that records my actual, y'know, address to everyone.

    So this better be some delicious fruit.

  8. oh it's just your city, I haven't the faintest where the balls you live in it...(for now)

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