Sunday, June 20, 2010

Shitty Movie Sunday/Day of the Dad

Hello magical internet-people! How are you? I am full of pizza, which is a positive state of being about 90% of the time. Then it gets messy. Today, as you are most likely aware of (apart from maybe the portion of my readers who regularly abuse controlled substances, you know who you are) was Father's Day.

Because sometimes fathers come from the unlikeliest places, but usually places that are not this hilarious

We celebrated this day in my home with screaming and violent threats (I kid! ...mostly). Truth be told, my relationship with my dad has always been kind of rocky. We're both very similar people in that we get very emotional, very passionate and we hate to be wrong. As you would suspect, this leads us into some very loud, very angry moments. it's usually ok, but sometimes we go through patches where we just seem to butt heads constantly. To give him credit, he is better than he was when I was a munchkin, he was an angrier man then and to his credit he has changed a lot since then, but it's hard to let go of such a large part of my past and I've held my grudge because I'm not quite sure how to let go of it. But let me be clear here: There have been many times when I have not liked my dad, and I can even say there have been a few times when I have hated him. But there was never a time when I didn't love him. He built his whole life up from nothing, all on his own and gave me and my brother a life he never was able to have. Happy Father's Day, Dad. I love you more than Steven Seagal loves his adoptive son Pan-Dar (it's Thai for "Steven Seagal is a moron").

So I wasn't able to finish watching The Wind and The Lion yesterday (that would be the one with Arabian Connery), so no Sean Connery Sunday today, because to review a half-finished Connery movie is to punch this great man in right in the manly bits:

And would you really want to do that? I didn't think so.

But we did watch one of the ultimate hilariously shitty movies that is right up there with Vin Diesel's XXX (for the last time, not the porn!). Anyway, that movie is I Spy, starring Eddie Murphy and Owen Wilson. Made in 2002 and based off a television series from 1965 of the same name that starred Robert Culp and a young Bill Cosby as globe-trotting, ass-kicking spies. The show was considered revolutionary because it showed (gasp) a white man and black man on equal footing (my stars and garters!). But for reals, at the time this was major and it also went a long way in helping launch Bill Cosby's career. Now what does the show have in common with the movie? ...well, Eddie Murphy is also a once-edgy and hilarious comedian whose balls shriveled up and died, and um...they have the same names, they just switched races and now the white dude is called Alex Scott and the black dude is Kelly Robinson. Why? Why not?

Remember how I said that I'd never seen a movie poster scream "BAD" as loudly as The Avengers? Yeah, I spoke too soon.

Still haven't found one better than this though:

Find a better poster, I dare you

So anyway, I Spy. The story focuses on the misadventures of the slightly retarded special agent Alex Scott, played by Owen Wilson after what I imagine were many, many bong hits. He doesn't act so much as glide through the movie, occasionally expressing emotion but never raising his voice above the level necessary to startle a kitten. Eddie Murphy plays Kelly Robinson, a cocky boxer with a penchant for referring to himself in the 3rd person and also when he has nothing better to say. Which is a lot of the time. 97% of the dialogue goes as such:

Owen Wilson: hey brah, we gotta find this stolen plane thing.

Eddie Murphy: Kelly Robinson gonna find that plane! Kelly Robinson gonna whoop its ass! 57-0, baby! Kelly Robinson!

Owen: No, we need to go to this party, k? ...Man you got any cheese nips?

Eddie Murphy: Cheese nips? Cheese nips! I'm Kelly Robinson, Kelly Robinson don't want no cheese nips! I kick those cheese nip's ass! 57-0!

Owen Wilson: Well maybe we could-

Eddie Murphy: Kelly Robinson!

Owen Wilson: You're starting to harsh my-

Eddie Murphy: Kelly Robinson, 57-0! Whoo! Damn, Kelly Robinson be scary! I whoop your ass, that's what Kelly Robinson gonna do! 57-0!

Now stretch this out to an hour and a half and you pretty much got it. It also has Malcolm McDowell of Clockwork Orange fame as the evil plane-selling bad guy and Famke Janssen as the love interest and winner of most irritating name award. Her you know as Jean Gray from X-Men, but to me she'll always be the eastern-European, frighteningly man-ish looking assassin Xenia Onatopp from Goldeneye who kills dudes with her MATERNAL-FORNICATING THIGHS:

Who needs mind powers when you have THIGH POWERS? (ok, that one was bad).

Anyway, the movie is funny but also extremely stupid and you need an extra-high tolerance to Eddie Murphy in order to see it through, but honestly, all the stupidity this movie has, and all the brain cells it ruthlessly murders are negated by this scene:

Cuz it's good for us. Sexual healing.

Two and three-quarter "Kelly Robinsons!" out five. Because I can. Also, one last thing before I pass out, a huge thank you to Simon at Four of Them and Ron at If I Had A Blog for pimping my glorious ass (and it is indeed glorious) across the intermanet. They are cool dudes (or dudette and dude in this case) and if you don't already read their blogs, go fulfill that empty hole in your life and start reading! This is Sugary Cynic saying "when I get that feeling, I need sexual healing...or maybe more pizza" 'Night!

"Well that's why people think Carlos is a better spy, his bombs are way more potent than mine!" -Owen Wilson


  1. "Unwittingly" wth!? LOLOLOLOLOL

  2. I haven't had time to pimp your blog because I've been busy tracking down A BETTER MOVIE POSTER!! (Yeah, I did!)

  3. hmmm, not sure if this one is actually Izzy, but just assuming it is.

    jacob: YES! that is awesome!

  4. Ameer speaking:

    I take your challenge!!!!

  5. It looks amazing when you describe it.

    The Day of the Dolphin. I will make a goddamn movie so it can have a better poster. It'll be my life's mission!

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