Friday, June 4, 2010

Scott Pilgrim, Don't Go Breakin My Heart/The Cynic 101...er, 60

So along with the new and wondrous magical trailer for Scott Pilgrim there is a new TV spot that has not one, not two but...three? NAY FOUR scenes/lines/moments combination lifted directly from the comic and transported to the screen with the perfection only gypsy voodoo can provide. This movie looks perfect. I am actually ok with the fact that Michael Cera will be portraying Scott Pilgrim. I am seriously contemplating getting my hair Ramona-ized, neon pink with random side bangs and all. It...it just all looks so awesome. Maybe a bit too awesome, ya know? Scott Pilgrim is giving obsessed fans everywhere insanely high hopes and massive hype that only a truly ass-kicking movie can live up to. While movies like Dark Knight lived up to the hype and brought new levels of kick-assery into existence, Iron Man 2 was injured by all the hype and excitement surrounding it and, while by no means a lousy film, it could not live up to expectations. And those were sequels. This is just the one film, and unless Bryan Lee O'Malley decides to do some kind of Scott Pilgrim: The Next Generation, one film is all we're gonna get so that's like, triple the pressure to be perfect. Well, so far, so awesome. Don't toy with my fragile fangirl emotions Edgar Wright, or by God I'll...whine about it on the internet and then watch Hot Fuzz and worship you again....yeah. Just see if I won't! Here is the TV spot of joy and puppylike wonder:



I really shouldn't find the "bi-furious" line as funny as I do.

So, anyhoo, my nude compatriot, The Naked Writer, did a post not too long ago that I intend to thieve like a dastardly ninja...no not the one with the awkward lady farts the one where she started this 101 things to know about you friendly neighborhood blogger. And since my life continues to be a wasteland barren of wacky adventures, kung-fu movies, and general tomfoolery, I wantonly swipe it from her and paste a general movie-theme onto it. Thanks Naked Writer! :D (puppy face...with a wig, for you)

THE CYNIC 101 (OR MAYBE 60 BECAUSE I WILL GET A NASTY HEADACHE HALFWAY THROUGH):

1. I have never seen The Godfather (I know)

2. I can recognize an E.S. Posthumous song whenever they use one in movie trailers



3. I will watch (and have watched) movies based purely on if it made onto a "best car chase" list.

4. After my summer of the Asian action movie, Chow Yun comes dangerously close to edging out Sean Connery has my hero. (do yourself a favor and watch Hard Boiled, one of John Woo's best).



5. I will watch Nicolas Cage in just about anything. For some reason, the more godawful he gets, the funnier I find him.

6. Subtitles over dubbing every time...with one exception.

7. I watch the dub of Miyazaki movies. They just put so much effort and time into it that it doesn't suck and there's so much to see in a Miyazaki movie that I don't want to be half-distracted reading.

8. Except Ponyo. Subtitles was better. Worst fucking dubbing in a Miyazaki movie EVER

9. When I was 13, I thought that the Dungeons and Dragons movie was the greatest shit in the world (I can't believe I just typed that out >.<) also no, never actually played Dungeons and Dragons.

10. I think Bandslam wasn't all that bad. Possibly because of David Bowie. He makes everything better.

11. "Sequels I like better than the original" part 1: Spiderman 2

12. I wonder too much about extras in action scenes who get hurt, what happens to them?

13. "Movies that made me cry like a weenie" part 1: The Green Mile, so hard.

14. As a Shakespeare student, I think the modernized Romeo and Juliet movie is awesome

15. But the modernized Hamlet sucks all kinds of ass

16. I own a stuffed dragon from How To Train Your Dragon

17. I have spent actual real money on a shitty movie just so me and my brother could watch it and ream it

18. For one of those, "what movie would you want to be your life?" I would say Blues Brothers, because that would awesome. Driving cop cars, bumping into Ray Charles and such, almost getting killed by Carrie Fisher...

19. Juno was just ok. The weird pseudo-slang made me want to strangle them with a hose

20. Even though it's disgustingly cheesy, I love ending to Stranger Than Fiction.

21. If I had a favorite chick flick it would be Casanova. Does that count as a chick flick?

22. Jeremy Irons is the man. Motorcycle-riding, Shakespeare-reciting, evil-doer. End of story.



23. I think the first crush I had on anyone in a movie was Tim Curry as Long John Silver in Muppet Treasure Island...shut up.

24. Even though Wanted was full of delightfully gratuitous violence, I don't like it because I was really hoping it would be like the graphic novel. And not be a bunch of idiots killing people because a magical blanket said to.

25. I hate that I discovered a lot of cool bands by watching Nick and Norah's Infinite playlist.

26. "Movies that made me cry like a weenie" part 2: Schindler's List (twice in one semester I had to watch it!)

27. I own Mr. Deeds. I feel kind of ashamed of that.

28. I can quote Kiss Kiss Bang Bang nearly in it's entirety...I said shut up.

29. I don't get Fargo. It bored the hell out of me, and I know it's the Coen bros. so it must be full of unicorns and magic gold but I thought it was dull as hell. Burn After Reading was iffy too.

30. But I freaking love Raising Arizona and O Brother Where Art Thou?

31. I am divided on No Country For Old Men. Great movie, stupid ending. Also Tommy Lee Jones's character made me want to swat him upside the head. (the Coen brothers and I have a complicated relationship.

32. If you don't know who Mel Brooks is, I reserve the right to hate you without provocation.

33. Be Kind Rewind is an intensely underrated movie. Because I said so.

34. On that note, my brother and I made a "sweded" version of The Rock. No, you cannot see it.

35. None of my friends liked Lost In Translation when I showed it to them. They claimed "nothing happens" and then I was sad inside.

36. Although they were pretty entertained by Scarlett Johannesburg's constant underwear shots. AS my roommate said: "If I had her ass, I'd never pants either"

37. "Sequels I like better than the original" part 2: Shrek 2 (blame Puss in Boots)

38. I wish herpes on Christopher Paolini out of pure professional jealousy

39. My most unpleasant nightmares are usually the result of zombie movies. Even Shaun of the Dead.

40. Which, incidentally taught me that, if my best friend Jon ever became a zombie, I'd keep him in my non-existent shed and play videogames with him.

41. I hatehatehatehatehate the Disney animated Peter Pan. SO MUCH. I love the live-action one from 2003 though

42. Every Hitchhiker's Guide fan I know hated the movie...I really liked it. It was cute and self-contained but with nods to the books. And Mos Def makes me happy.

43. "Movies that made me cry like a weenie" part 3: EVERY GODDAMN TIME I WATCH THE MARRIAGE MONTAGE IN UP THIS HAPPENS:



44. I wish more steampunk movies existed. I are a nerd.

45. Apart from certain lines about trying your best and sexin' the prom queen, my favorite movie line is from The Addams Family, when Wednesday is selling lemonade and a Girl Scout approaches and asks if the lemonade is made with real lemons, to which Wednesday counters "are you cookies made with real girl scouts?"

46. Also dragons. We need more not-suckish dragon movies.

47. Despite my irrational hatred for Christopher Paolini, I have fond memories of skewering the Eragon movie with my friends. Good times.

48. While it is a documented fact that my brother and I love to give movies the MST3K treatment, one time we tried to record ourselves doing it so we could put it on the intermanet. Our jokes were awful.

49. I'd admit to liking Watchmen, but I'm afraid Alan Moore would come and kill me in my sleep. He can sense it whenever anyone approves of film versions of his books. (also, director's cut = soooo much better)

50. Holy shit this takes long. Like the Lord of the Rings. I only saw the first one, I'm not enough of a Tolkien fan to compensate for my lack of an attention span.

51. "Sequels I like better than the original" part 3: Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (for obvious reasons)

52. Vampires are stupid. All of them. Ever.

53. Nah, I liked Interview With A Vampire. But that's it.

54. Ok, maybe also Dracula: Dead and Loving It,



55. In my time in college, I've managed to write four legit papers on movies, one of which starred Sean Connery :D

56. Shia Lebouf's existence is a constant source of annoyance

57. I tend to like the book better than the movie, cuz I'm a snooty English major like that

58. Except maybe Skellig. Which is one of my favorite books of all time ever, but the movie really gave dimension to the side characters, added a bit more meat to the story, and also had Tim Roth.

59. Has anyone ever heard of Zero Effect? It has Ben Stiller not being Ben Stiller and Bill Pullman being a dysfunctional-bordering-on-schizoid brilliant detective? It is basically a modern version of A Scandal in Bohemia. I think I'm the only person in the world who has ever seen it.

60. "Movies that made me cry like a weenie" part 4: WALL-E. Fuck you, Pixar!

ok, that is a lot. And most of it is rambling. And my head feels like a split cantaloupe. And I'm tired and shit. So Tylenol and then sweet bed. This is Sugary Cynic saying "Hell, I'm not sure I could even count to 100"

Bro: "Whatcha doing?"

Me: "Broadening my horizons, watching this Swedish movie"

Bro: "Cool...Wanna go watch The Fast and the Furious and make fun of Vin Diesel?"

Me: "......yes"

5 comments:

  1. It would actually take less time and effort for me to either disagree or dislike the few things that I don't actually agree or like with you in this list. So here goes...

    1. The Dungeons and Dragons movie, and its pathetic sequel, are among the worst pieces of trash ever recorded on film, and I say this despite the joy it brings me whenever I see Marlon Wayans (Snails) get killed. Is it any wonder the game gets such a bad rep with crap like this to represent?

    2. Nobody gets Fargo. Burn After Reading was stupid. Did you see the Men Who Stare At Goats? Who is writing this shit and trying to tell us its funny??! I don't fucking get it anymore!

    3. I never get tired of watching Raising Arizona (or The Big Lebowski!)

    4. Mel Brooks is the shit. (We're men! We're men in tights!)

    5. I loved the Hitchhiker's Guide movie. I thought Sam Rockwell was great as Zaphod! And I fell in love with Zoe! If only I had a Heart of Gold for her to ride in...

    6. The girl who played Wednesday was scary good in those movies! And of course, Christopher Lloyd. And Raul Julia!! And Angelica Houston!!!! Ok, was that not the best cast ensemble ever??

    7. Watchmen was freakin' awesome, despite having a lot more blue weenie than I was comfortable with. Maybe because I never read the comic.

    8. I cannot watch Lord of the Rings unless it is the extended (i.e FULL) versions. I've even watched the eight-hour documentaries for each movie.

    9. Vampire movies that did not suck: Fright Night. The Lost Boys. From Dusk 'Til Dawn.

    10. Shia Lebouf must be made to suffer. I'm willing to volunteer for the job.

    ReplyDelete
  2. just my necessary comments. ahem.

    7) *snifftearsob* My Blockbuster has a pitiful selection of Miyazaki movies...good times...such good times...

    16) HECK YES YOU DO! that is all. and also a poster, for which I am insanely jealous, not gonna lie

    35) and...I still stand by that -_-'

    41) :( although, that does explain part of the Disney trip, I must say :P

    46) Also yes.

    50) ......................................... I feel like we've had this discussion several times, but every time I block it from my memory like some kind of trauma. Also, the above commenter is that much cooler now.

    56) Well, it is now. Sometimes I wish we could go back to the good old days with Even Stevens....

    ReplyDelete
  3. I'm a trooper, and you're, like, my internet BFF (if you don't mind), I will respond to every single one of these. *sigh*

    1. I've seen it, and holyshitisitlong.

    2. Good for you. I can recognize any Lady Gaga song *sob*

    3. Then I trust you've seen 'The French Connection'.

    4. Go watch Beat Takeshi and try saying that again.

    5. NOT THE BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!

    6. Fuck you, dubbing. I'll see you in hell.

    7. I, being a horrible person, have yet to see a single one of his films.

    8. It involves a Jonas. Duck and cover.

    9. When I was 13, I cruelly mocked anyone who dared say they liked Kate Hudson.

    10. Bandslam was slightly awesome.

    11. (...)

    12. It doesn't matter how many innocent civilians die, as long as Rugged Everyman and his bratty kids/annoying girlfriend live.

    13. No shame.

    14. Because it is awesome.

    15. The Ethan Hawke one? Ick, except for the 'To be or not to be' videostore scene, which was kind fo brilliant.

    16. Take a picture.

    17. ...

    18. John Belushi or the other one?

    19. I liked it.

    20. I, too.

    21. Yes.

    22. ...

    23. Hmmm....

    24. At least blankets have some use. They used the stuff people make stockings with.

    25. I like that movie, shut up.

    26. I did a three part review on why that movie killed my soul. I understand.

    27. It'd better be the original...

    28. I've shutted up, calm down!

    29. *growls menacingly*

    30. *cheers, you're redeemed*

    31. You're a stupid ending.

    32. I think that is provaction.

    33. This is fact.

    34. What if I ask nicely?

    35. Have you ignored them since? That is the proper response to such tomfoolerly.

    36. ...

    37. Puss in Boots could kick your ass with his furry mustache.

    38. ...kay...

    39. Especially Shaun of the Dead.

    40. Grand Theft Auto, I trust.

    41. You. Shut. Your. Mouth.

    42. Mos Def is awesome in everything.

    43. I disagree.

    44. Then make one.

    45.Christina Ricci wins cinema.

    46. Good luck. The last one was Dragon Wars.

    47. ...

    48. I'll be the judge of that.

    49. He will kill you in your sleep. It's his way.

    50. ...

    51. Sean Connery obvious reasons?

    52. Even Bela Lugosi?

    53. Repeat.

    54. ...

    55. I've written absolutely nothing ever.

    56. Even in Even Stevens?

    57. That is the correct way to feel about adaptions. You pass life.

    58. How awesome is Tim Roth?

    59. I have.

    60. Up.

    There. My dedication hard at work.

    ReplyDelete
  4. jacob: they made more than one Dungeons and Dragons movie?! The horror O.o

    val: I'm sorry I keep traumatizing you with my lack of dedication to the Lord of the Rings

    simon: my goodness, you ARE dedicated. Ok, you can be my internet BFF (I will make personalized jackets later)

    ReplyDelete
  5. I have high hopes for this Scott Pilgrim movie.

    The 2nd Dungeons and Dragons was better than the first... sigh! Also sequels that were better than the original (off the top of my head).... Terminator 2, Aliens, The Dark Knight, Wayne's World 2 (due to the Christopher Walken factor).

    Kiss Kiss Bang Bang is one of the funniest movies I have ever seen. "Whoa what is that? Is that... is that a clue?" That scene made me pee myself. Still a tad bit embarrassed about that.

    I have seen Zero Effect, it was awesome. Bill Pullman can be a very funny man. I counter, have you ever seen his flick "Brain Dead"?

    ReplyDelete

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