Wednesday, June 30, 2010

The Saga Continues!

The good news:

The new Harry Potter trailer is out and gives me the fangirl shivers



Even though I know it's to capitalize and make more money, I'm glad the seventh book is being separated into two movies, especially since 5 and 6 were such a rush job. Also I admit when they went on in the trailer about how this is it and all, I got a bit choked up about the end of all things Potter. I mean, between the books and movies there's been Harry Potter in my life since I was 9. It was weird when there were no more books to wait for and soon there won't be any movies either. But I obsessive-fan digress. Also, really quick, if I had to point out one major flaw with the trailer, Voldemort is just not threatening. In the one for the 6th he's pretty creepy cuz they just do that one weird flash of him in a suit lookin' all weird-like but here he just seems kinda goofy, like if Harry giggled at him, he'd get all sad and run off.

Say Cheese!

The bad news:

Twilight's here...

I didn't make this, but dammit I wish I did!

So, last night, when I went to see Toy Story 3 and got out at 10, there was already a line from outside the theater and into the alley to all the way past the lobby and right by the actual room the midnight showing was in. It was a line of crazed, foaming teen girls and gay dudes, sad and lonely housewives whose husbands could no longer satisfy them, and the angriest looking boyfriends I have ever seen in my life. Poor, pussy-whipped bastards. So yeah, rampant Twilight rabidness once more descends upon us, we can take comfort in the knowledge that you can totally cash in on it if you are clever enough and your standards of integrity are nice and flexible. You all recall my grand scheme to market Twilight to old people, right? No? ...Then you must be the majority of my site hits aka people who found the blog on google searching for new episodes of Generator Rex, which I wrote about this one time. Anyway, you can find out about, or just chuckle through and relive that which is Old Twilight here.

You witnessed Twilight Years and New Pacemaker, now it's time for...


And that choice is between prune juice or straight up laxative medication

Get ready for thrills, chills and romantic entanglements as Bella wades through the plot that I looked up on Wikipedia just now!

"Oooh, Edward. I love you so much! Can we have the forbidden and lustful sex now?"


(see instead of fangirls screaming "yes!" and "do it!" they're hiding their faces in terror and nausea!)

"No, my extremely-old lamb, it's shimply too dangerous for ush to make wild and passionate love,"


(Audience: oh thank god)

"What? How? You don't mean I'd...become like you?"


"Yesh, it would be dangerous becaushe if I shexed you up, Bella...you'd become Scottish!"


(GASP!)

"Or you could be with me, Bella. I'd love you forever and I'm not dangerous, except when I wolf-out...because sometimes the transformation makes me poop myself a bit. But that won't happen this time! WOLF OUT!


....Yep. I pooped.


But oh no! It's the evil soulless vampiric scourge Victoria! Who wants to kill everyone for something that happened like, two movies ago!

This should not surprise you


And much more geriatric drama! So yeah, old people, while your grandkids watch Bella, Edward and Jacob battle their raging hormones, come see what they'll look like in fifty years! It's a brilliant scheme, I tell you! Brilliant! Now to go buy that beach house in Narnia with the money I'm gonna make off this thing. See ya tomorrow!

Edward: (staring soulfully) "Bella..."

Bella: "Yes, Edward?"

Edward: "...you wet your Depends again"

3 comments:

  1. I will personally finance this project. The world needs to know it.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I want to tell you the truth! I am so afraid of the 13 something female group that LOVES Twighlight that I am glad you found a way to weave Sean, Betty and Clint into the story...it at least gave me a middle ground to land on in between the bizarre parralel worlds.

    The fact that Burger King is hawking the movie with commercials where the 13 somethings ask geriatrics if they would prefer their daughters dating vampires over wolves concerns me beyond explanation....I cried a little.

    Thanks for the post!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Simon: wonderful! I only need about 100 million dollars or so, we can do this on a tight budget

    Ron: that commercial was extremely weird. I'm glad I helped you come to terms with That Which Is Twilight through the use of aged individuals :D

    ReplyDelete

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