Thursday, June 10, 2010

Everything I Ever Needed To Know I Learned From Sean Connery

The Connery in thoughtful repose

1. All Russians, Irish, Arabs, Egyptians, and Ancient Greek kings have Scottish accents

2. You gotta keep the pimp hand strong

3. It's NOT a skirt, it's a maternal-fornicating KILT

4. You only live twice (and you might be Asian for one of those times)

5. Losers always whine about their best, winners go home and fuck the prom queen

6. You're the man now, dawg

7. The ladies love a golden gun

8. If you don't understand it, must be stupid (eg: Lord of the Rings, The Matrix)

9. Now is the winter of YOUR discontent

10. Watch the fuck out for Steven Seagal (he busted Sean Connery's wrist on the set of Never Say Never Again back when he was a fight coordinator)

A Sean Connery Story:

Once upon a time my friend Val's grandad and his pals decided girls were a waste of time and they were going to have a bitchingly man-tastic summer. And then the new Sean Connery Bond movie came out and they all tried to emulate the Bond "look." Apparently Val's grandad pulled it off the best because her grandma thought he looked like Sean Connery and that that was sexy and whatnot. Then at some point they got married and had kids and their kid married another person and they had Val. Basically: If not for Sean Connery, Val would not exist. Maybe you should send him a thank-you note, Val.

So I'm working on opening the store despite complete and utter disinterest because it won't cost me anything. Here's some early stuff I am working on for it:

A better version of the man, the myth, the mustache that is Santiago:

And this thing:

I go sleep now. This Sugary Cynic saying "toast" Night!

(crossing the street in crazy traffic with my boss-dude outside the museum)
Me: "It's a mini-cooper, if it hits us, we'll probably live"


  1. You are a strange lass, my dear. Don't change. For the children.

  2. If I did ever change, I hope it would be into something cool, like a gryphon with jetpacks


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