Monday, June 7, 2010

Demolition Man or "Legally, Can You Marry A Movie?"

Ok so today was spent working with the munchkins and by working I mean playing with race car toys. Then they had me work the desk that I affectionately refer to as the "dead desk" where absolutely nothing ever happens. Also there is no internet. OH NO. So to pass the time I made a crappy pseudo-stop motion video chronicling my descent into boredom-induced madness:



Yeah. Workin hard.

Anyway, me and the boy watched what I will readily admit is a fucking awesome movie that I love and had never seen before. It was everything I ever want in a movie. If it was a person, I would want it to be my best friend. This movie, I announce with no shame, is Demolition Man.

This poster does nothing to explain the awesomeness of this movie.

Ok, the year is 1996 (keep in mind this movie was made in '93) and it is a terrifying apocalyptic future with gangs and explosions and blonde Wesley Snipes. And Sylvester Stallone is this super-cop who kicks Wesley Snipes's ass but accidentally kills hostages and so they are cryogenically frozen because that is how they dealt with criminals in 1996. So long story short, the future is filled silly puss cops and all music is commercial jingles and also everyone ever is in this movie. A list:

Sylvester Stallone
Wesley Snipes
Sandra Bullock
The FBI guy she liked in Miss Congeniality
Rob Schnieder
Jesse The Body Ventura
Denis Leary
Jack Black for like, half a second
That old black dude from Night At the Museum
The fat guy from Beetlejuice
The evil zoo guy from Ace Ventura 2

So in this weird super-happy, ultra-P.C. version of the future, Wesley Snipes becomes unfrozen and wreaks havoc so they unfreeze Stallone to stop him. This movie is half bad-ass action film and half wacky fish out of water comedy. Stallone likes to knit and can't adjust to the future. Sandra Bullock is peppy and adorable and Wesley Snipes has beat out everyone ever as my favorite 90's villain. He's just having so much fun running around being a dick. This movie combines, action, comedy, and cheese in a lethal combination of wonderful. We all know I love shitty movies for their shittiness but I legit love this film. I can't believe it took me this long to discover it.







YES. THAT IS ALL.

EXCEPT GO WATCH IT, DAMMIT.

Sylvester Stallone: "Bad aim, Blondie!"

Wesley Snipes: "Spartan? John Spartan? Aw shit, they let anybody into this century! What the hell you doing here? "

6 comments:

  1. You hadn't seen this movie before? OMG! My Favorite Movie of the Decade! I kid you not. Had I known you were deprived its greatness, I would have mentioned it sooner. And: No, it is not shitty in any way. Do I need to send you a list just to make sure?

    Sandra (attempting to use 90s catch phrases): "Let's get down there and blow these guys!"

    Stallone (correcting Sandra): "Blow these guys.. away!"

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  2. Everybody loves a Denis Leary rant

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  3. What? I thought we were best friends? *sob*

    Dude, how awesome is pre-21st-century Wesley Snipes? I mean, before Blade 2, he was da man.

    I'd go into an extensive detailing of your short film, the nuances of the performances, and the metaphor for the Gulf oil spill undertoning, but Futurama is on.

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  4. jacob: with my affinity for ridiculous 90's films, I'm as shocked as you are that I had never seen this. Me and the boy are looking for it on DVD now though :D

    tim: except Sylvester Stallone

    simon: oh, you silly little blogger, we're still net BFFS, it's just that Demolition Man loves me in a way that you never could. Also I am of the belief that at the dawn of the new millennium, Wesley Snipes was kidnapped and replaced with a robot who was programmed to suck

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  5. I also can't believe you hadn't seen this film 'til now. One of the best sci-fi/action/comedy/satire type things I have ever seen. People underestimate it because it's a Stallone film.

    Oh, and Simon: I hope you weren't disrespecting "Blade 2" just then... That kind of talk cannot go unpunished.

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  6. oh demolition man is the best! it has a great amount of cheese, but good stallone type of fromage you know extra cheddary! it's silly and funny and action-y...i just watched this movie again a couple of weeks ago, it always cheers me up plus dennis leary is in it and rob schieder did judge dread with stallone...i just love the way the puzzle pieces all fit together. I would marry this movie too!

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