Thursday, June 17, 2010

The "A" In A-Team Stands For "HELL YES, BITCHES!"

That's right, the movie The A-Team defies the alphabet, it also defies gravity, logic, basic physics, and God. It gleefully embraces every action movie cliche in existence, then proceeds to dry hump those cliches into submission and every minute of it is pretty awesome. Mostly because the movie does not take itself too seriously. It knows it's completely fucking ridiculous and it responds to your accusations by flying a tank, exploding a ship and lighting Bradley Cooper on fire. And those are things I can get behind.

To whit, after putting in my time at the museum (I'll be done in July!) I went off to see A-Team with um, what's his name? That one guy...man, I forgot. I'm sure it will come back to me later :p anyway, we went to see the movie, sat through some god-awful trailers (I have never seen a movie scream "ASSY!!" as loudly as Takers)

Lessee, two rappers, one who's been in prison and another who used to beat the shit out of his girlfriend, that blonde dude who never had a successful film outside of the Fast and the Furious franchise and Emo-Vader. I smell a hit!

And then the movie started and awesomeness occurred. The plot, as it were, revolves around our four heroes trying clear their name and steal back these engraving plates and THEY ARE FLYING A GODDAMNED TANK, WHO GIVES A RAT'S ASS ABOUT ENGRAVING PLATES?! There are enough explosions and insanity to bring Michael Bay to erection, it rocks. As for the characters, I feel like I made them in the sense that I have seen only one episode of the A-Team and just know that B.A. is the ass-kicker, Hannibal is the leader with the plan, Face is suave and/or horny and Murdock is crazy. Well the writers must have seen just that one episode too because the characters in the movie are each one single trait amplified to 11. Hannibal does indeed love plans. To the point where it's weird and I think he might have some kind of plan fetish. If he could make love to a plan, he would. But he's played by Liam Neeson, who makes it work. He's one of those guys, like Robert Downey jr., where I would watch a movie where he chased a kitten around for an hour...let's make a movie where RDJ and Liam Neeson chase kittens, it would be awesome.

I smell a hit!

Wow, got a bit off-track there. So Hannibal's hot for plans and Face is hot for anything that moves. Bradley Cooper is sexy and all, but he is kinda annoying, like if you did something with him you'd have to ducktape his mouth shut first. He's fine as Face, potential-carrier-of-crotch-rot, and "Rampage" Jackson is surprisingly good as B.A. when you consider he just beats the shit out of things for a living. He's especially adorable when they put him on planes and he freaks out. And finally, Murdock, played by Sharlto Copley, is completely batshit insane. Like an actual mental case, he's the one who ignites Bradley Cooper, tilts helicopters upside down, speaks Swahili, re-enacts Braveheart and just wins at everything ever forever. He was great in District 9 as the dumbass you wanted to hug rather than swat upside the head, but he steals this movie and will hopefully be popping up in a lot of new projects soon. He's just so damn goofy. Also unlike Neeson, who has perfected the "not-quite-American" accent, Copley is all over the place with his but it doesn't matter because he rocks this movie so hard I grant him Sean Connery Accent Immunity. So there.

Finally, the bad guy is Nite Owl from Watchmen, chews the scenery in fine style, making pithy comments and just having a grand old time. His role is cookie-cutter bullshit but he makes the most of it and manages to be very entertaining. Jessica Beal serves no purpose beyond being Face's love interest. Way to be that vagina, Jessica Beal. Ugh, I hate having to write about how pointless the female character is every time I watch an action movie but it's true! These people don't write an actual role for a woman, they just say "hmmm, boobs should go here" and a lady is written in for no reason or plot-related purpose and sticks out as such. (climbs up on soapbox) JUST WRITE A REAL CHARACTER ROLE THAT HAS A PURPOSE AND JUST HAPPENS TO BE A LADY, NOT A COMPULSORY PAIR OF TITS THAT JUST HANGS AROUND LOOKING AWKWARD AND ADDING NOTHING TO THE MOVIE (trips and falls off). Ok, I'm better now.

So, final count: The A-Team is silly, ridiculous, explosion-y and has it's way with every action cliche imaginable. It also has Sharlto "South Awesomecan" Copley and it is reallly just a lot of fun and isn't trying to be any more than that. A solid three catapults out of five for a good time at the movies, but a sad lack of Mr. T cameos (seriously Mr. T, you're doing cooking informercials, it's not like you didn't have the free time!)

Lastly, here's the international trailer for Scott Pilgrim, it is far more awesome than the domestic one and confirms that my favorite line, "If your life had a face, I'd punch it" made into the movie!



YES.

And that about wraps it up. This is Sugary Cynic saying "I love it when a good plan comes.......together" 'Night!

...oh, right, it was Izzy! (smarmy grin)

8 comments:

  1. Mr. T turned down the cameo because he did not want to endorse the gratuitous violence and sex in this movie. I must respect the man for standing by his moral principles, and for making those awesome World of Warcraft commercials.

    Mr T: "I'm Mr. T, and I'm a Night Elf Mohawk!"

    Director: "Uh, there's no night elf mohawks in the game..."

    Mr. T: "Shut up, fool!"

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  2. Jacob is correct in why Mr T turned it down. And as someone who has seen EVERY episode of A-Team, I am very hesitant to see this movie. If they blow this like they did Dukes Of Hazzard, I may go on a killing rampage right in the theater. I am very anal when it comes to my childhood shows, and they better come correct. Liam Neeson is good in anything, Mr T could still whip "Rampage", oohhh, I'm so bad I'm going to say my name is "Rampage", why not just rip off a horrible 80's video game while your at it....oh wait, you did. Oh well, I just hope it is good.

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  3. hehe "anal"...

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  4. Jacob: "Join World of Warcraft and you can be a Knight Elf Mohawk too, fool!" I love those

    Rich: Wow, maybe you shouldn't see it if you have that much stake in it. I mean it's miles better than dukes of hazzard, no contest but it's still pretty silly. I liked Rampage, he was actually pretty believable (altho his "vow of nonviolence" came off as total bullshit, I won't lie) otherwise, he was really not bad

    Ashley: heh, the a in a team stands for anal penetration

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  5. Takers is about Idris Elba as a pimp and all the other dumbasses are his bitches. It's the law.

    Also, I'm totally gonna make a Facebook account, then make a Facebook group about how awesome Sharlto Cooper is.

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  6. YOU SUCK!!!!!! its ok im just gonna drown my misery in liquid cocaine, it just makes everything better.....except dukes of hazzard

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  7. I loved A-Team it was just fun and the cast I thought was pretty awesome. Totally with you on the whole "women roles in action movie being insert tits here" but I don't know if you saw salt yet, that's absolutely amazing! It made me want to be a spy and proud to have boobies (have American flag behind me while saying this). Anyways see it if you haven't and love your stuff keep up the awesomeness!

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