Monday, May 10, 2010

Sean Connery Movie Sunday But Mostly A Mother's Day Post

I'm ok now, really. Sometimes, I dunno, stuff spirals out of my brain and I probably shouldn't have a keyboard under my fingers when it happens. Thanks for the nice comments, newcomer Marylin especially, who screwed with my head in a good way. I just get scared a lot, about the future, about the present, about a lot of things. I worry, I get insecure, on good days this manifests itself as wittiness and biting humor, on bad days...

But enough about that, let's talk about something awesome: My Momma. I'm sure most people would claim their mom is the coolest (except maybe Christina Crawford)

Oh, Joan were a little nuts.

Back on track! Anyway, apart from kids who have wire-hanger wielding moms to deal with, most kids think their mom is cool on account of she's their mom, they sprung from her loins, etc. But my mom is a legitimately awesome person. If she were someone else's mom and not mine, well I'd be intensely jealous of this person. Why is she so great? Mom,(Who I know is reading this at some point because she keeps making observant blog-related comments to me) this one's for you:


1. We have the same sense of humor, to an unnatural degree. We can't fight long because one of us ends up making a stupid face at the other or I could be so upset or pissed off and she knows just the thing to say that makes me crack up.

2. She knows me. I mean, really knows me. Some parents don't know jack about their kids but, well let me tell you a story: One day me and my mom were in some awful home goods store because she was looking for a tablecloth. I wandered around and found two things: a skillet, and a dead-eyed Campbell's Soup Kids Cookie Jar that you opened by taking the soulless child's head off. At some point I rejoined my mother and we happened to walk past a skillet with a Campbell's Soup Kid's head in it. She turned to me without saying anything and swatted me on the arm in reprisal and laughed.

3. She doesn't blow smoke up my ass. If she thinks something I'm doing is stupid, or what I'm wearing looks retarded, she's the first one to tell me (she's generally right) so when she says something looks good, or something I've done is really great, I know she means it, and isn't just saying so because I sprang from her loins.

4. She agrees that Uterine Fury would be a good name for an all-girl punk band.

5. I've always felt like I could tell her anything. This partly because she's female, yes. There's certain things I can discuss with her and not my dad because oh god just sit back and imagine discussing female bodily functions with your father. But more than that, I've rarely ever felt as though I had to lie to her or been like "can't tell mom that", ever. (And when I did, it was usually an instinct that turned out horribly wrong)

I love you, Mom. You kind of rock.

Now, onto business. Sugary Cynicism is approaching it's 100th post, which I plan on making so spectacularly awesome you will have to look away from your monitor to avoid permanent ocular damage from all of the inconceivable wonders I will have wrought! Also there will be a review of my most favorite movie ever in the history ever, which I may need a video to properly convey. Puppets might become involved. One other thing, I've been mulling this CafePress t-shirt/mug/reversible-thong idea from awhile back and now I need to know if you guys would actually buy anything. For serious, because if not than there's no point in setting it all up (and it's ok to say "hell no, I would rather clothe myself in barb wire and drink from a rusty spitoon" I promise my ego will survive intact). If so though, tell me what you want and it shall occur!! The worst response is no response.

With that out of the way, it's time for this week's movie review! This one's a little different, it's a nineties romantic comedy called Playing By Heart. And while that sounds like the name of a cheesy Lifetime movie...well that's kind of what it is. But besides Connery, it boasts a cast of Angelina Jolie before she went crazy, Jon Stewart before he got a show, Scully without Moulder and Dennis Quaid...well, it has Dennis Quaid.

Reason Why Sean Connery is the Coolest #567: Put him on the cliche-as-hell cover of a romantic comedy film and he STILL manages to look like a bad-ass.

Ok, the plot. Whew, for a rom-com this one gets hella complicated. Basically, there are five (and a half-ish) separate stories going on here that, in the nature of such films, are not really so separate. Angelina Jolie is a quirky young lass who falls for a cool, reserved blue-haired boy who's hiding something; Connery and Gena Rowlands are a husband and wife who are all weird because he may or may not have had an affair 25 years ago; Jay Mohr is a dude dying of AIDS who is visited by his mother who has come to reconcile with him; Gillian Anderson is a socially awkward chick who struggles with Jon Stewart, who wants to be with her despite her crippling lack of social skills; (oh yes, there's more) Madeliene Stowe's character is having an affair with some dude because her husband is dull and unimaginative. Meanwhile a man who may or may not be her husband, but is definitely Dennis Quaid, goes from bar to bar, telling ladies tragic stories that are dirty lies while a solemn black lady watches him.

Do all these plots somehow magically connect? You bet they do!

Is it via a big reveal at the end that everyone sees coming due to frequent overuse of the phrase "anger ball"? Indeed. What the crap is an anger ball? Good question, they never really say. Here is an artist's rendering:

It's the Anger Ball from Mattel! (Explanation and/or rationality sold separately)

So yeah, basically it's a typical yuppie-esque "people in the nineties figuring out love in L.A." with various twists like everyone is somebody's sister and also bitches got AIDS (but it seems to affect prettier people to a lesser degree, sorry Jay Mohr). Even though it's heaps of cliches, it's a sweet, earnest movie with lines that I can't help but love (the majority of which come from Jon Stewart, who is kind of adorable in this movie)

Gillian Anderson: "I'll tell you what I don't want. I don't want all this calculated artificiality. This dress, these stupid little bows in my hair, they aren't me. I mean, look at you. You - you don't sit around your house in an Armani suit, do you?"

Jon Stewart: "No. My house is black-tie."


Sean Connery: "You're overwrought."

Gena Rowlands: "I'm perfectly wrought. Given the circumstances, I'm even a little underwrought."

Sean Connery: "There's no such word."

Gena Rowlands: "There is now."

But my favorite line comes from (of course) Sean Connery: "Don't look at me with that tone of voice!"

but for every one of those there's a "talking about love is like dancing about architecture" courtesy of Angelina Jolie. Ah well, it's a cute flick and unlike most romantic comedies, viewing it is not detrimental to your health. Three catapults out of five for tying together a ridiculous amount of plot thread.

And that's all of me for tonight. See you tomorrow with something different (gasp) book reviews! Shock! Remember to let me know if you'll willingly give me your money and have a good whatever-time-slot-you-occupy. This is Sugary Cynic saying "blogging about romantic movies is like vomiting about Renaissance art" 'Night!

"A mother is a person who seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie." -Teneva Jordan


  1. are awesome. By the way, my mother wasn't so incredibly awesome, and Joan Crawford would have been cake for me. No worries, I used all of that to fire up my life...and love the word impossible. You are in your early 20s...and you know something...I would do it all again...most people say they wouldn't because they hate roller coasters and they want to know how it's all going to wind up...

    It is worth the ride...and NOT knowing how it turns out makes life feel like magic when the right pieces fall into place. From one writer to another...keep writing. Why? Because it isn't about being perfect, it's about being yourself. We are all dangerously unique...if we allow ourselves to be...

  2. Your mom does indeed rock. I sure as heck can't say I have the same kind of relationship with other people's moms as I have with yours, especially since we've yet to meet lol :D I don't know many moms that would be as chill as yours is after that wild semester of frantic greetings every time you were on the phone with her while I was near.

  3. Funny! I'm going to steal "Don't look at me in that tone of voice" and use it on my kids.

  4. I would totally be in a band called Uterine Fury. This is what I do when I'm avoiding homework, okay?

    Anyway, I can't find this movie anywhere. I just know Jon Stewart used to be adorable, Angelina Jolie scares me, and Sean Connery rocks.

  5. Oh Val, I miss your ass already. When you visit, let's make Uterine Fury on Rock Band, and Simon, if you ever appear in West Palm Beach you are welcome to join the band :D

  6. oh, and also Playing By Heart is on youtube in it's entirety last time I checked

  7. West Palm Beach, Florida? My grandma lives there! I'm going this summer!

    Oh, what luck.


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