Sunday, May 30, 2010

Sean Connery Movie Sunday, As Presented By Bacon Cynic

Yeah, guess who made the mistake of going out into direct sunlight (hint: me). I went to the beach and now I'm as red as an embarrassed communist and crispy as a...crispy thing. Owies. Also, just saying, Friday's episode of Generator Rex that I just got around to watching was actually kind of bitchin. Outright enemy death, surprisingly great music and some really freaky Akira-esque moments involving bulging metal tumors. This show just keeps impressing me, keep an eye on it.

Ok, now as for today's Sean Connery movie. It is bad. So bad. So very very bad. And the worst part is, it could have been so good. What if I told you there was a movie that was an adaptation of the extremely awesome 60's Brit show The Avengers, which detailed the adventures of John Steed and Emma Peel, two ever-so-English spies and these two were played by Ralph "Voldermort" Fiennes and Uma "The Bride" Thurman? Oh, and also their boss is named Mother and played by Jim Broadbent and the bad guys are Sean Connery and Eddie Izzard? Doesn't that sound awesome? Hell yeah it does! But somehow, despite the massive potential therein, this is quite possibly the biggest piece of shit starring Sean Connery that I will review, yes even worse than Entrapment. Because you know Entrapment could never be anything more than silly. But this could have been totally kick-ass! Instead, it was this:

This poster doesn't just scream "BAD!", it jumps up and down while flailing madly and also on fire. Does there exist a movie poster that gives an even better indication that you're in for a pile of crap?

Actually, yes.

But murderous dolphins are neither here nor there. Why is this movie so painstakingly terrible? Many reasons. For starters, more than HALF AN HOUR of footage was cut from the original movie at the very last minute, which of course leads to the plot making absolutely no fucking sense and being filled with holes. Superficially, the story revolves around this weather device having been stolen by Sean Connery's character named August De Wynter, and he's going to ration the world's weather or hold it ransom or some such. Why? Why the hell not! So Peel and Steed have to save the day, but there are double-crossings, an evil clone Peel who exists for no reason, weird hints that the real Peel is schizophrenic and many scenes that are just flat out retarded:

Why yes, that is a board meeting of giant teddy bears, why do you ask?

And yes, they are lead by Connery as De Wynter. It is a testament to his awesome that he can still look threatening whilst dressed as a giant stuffed bear.

...Yeah. And remember Eddie Izzard, funniest human being ever in life? He doesn't talk. The whole gag of the movie is that the whole time he doesn't say a friggin word and then we falls to his doom, he cries out "FUUUUUUCK!" and that's it. Haha, that one swear word was totally worth not having one of the funniest comedians alive today say anything funny! Right?

So, the plot makes no sense and the acting is honestly kind of iffy all around despite the amount of talent. They just sort of go through the motions, like their parents made them do it and as soon they finish they can go out for pizza. but don't despair! At least two good things came from this crapfest. One is a song I posted here some time ago by the frontman of Madness:

Brilliant. So when does it play during the movie? ...It doesn't. It, the official song of the movie, plays either second or third during the ending credits. Yep. Because that makes sense. And the other is that, per the usual, everything that comes out of Sean Connery's mouth is hilarious. Hilariously awful, but let's take our victories where we can get them. His dialogue is cringe-worthy but he says it with such conviction and gusto that, well that it's still painful and cringe-worthy but also funny. Some highlights:

So, if you like plots composed of surreal nonsense, Uma Thurman looking bored, people in bear suits, silent Eddie Izzards and Sean Connery in full Scottish dress saying that now is in fact the winter of your discontent, then by all means, check it out. Otherwise, avoid like this movie like it is the lice-ridden kid on the playground. One discontented catapult out of five.

That's all for tonight. See you tomorrow with Memorial Music Monday Madness! (ALLITERATION SCORE OF 1,000!) 'night!

Alice: "He says unless we accept his demands, the weather will keep getting colder and colder until we'll all have to go to hell just to warm up"


  1. When an executive walks in after test screenings and begins to yell about "cutting" down a film already under 2 hours, all signs point to epic horribleness. On the plus side, it's an easy movie to laugh at.

  2. The real irony of all this is that Sean Connery turned down the role of Gandalf in the Lord of the Rings trilogy because he didn't "understand the script", but when you see him appear in something like this... you have to wonder if he's really a simpleton.

    Great review. Love the Dolphin poster! I've never seen either movie, and now I feel that I should. (I like my Cynic a little crispy, btw.)

  3. I have been doing a good job of avoiding it so far.

  4. I remember watching "The Avengers" at the cinema. It kinda felt like a joke I didn't get. Thurman and Fiennes both just look really uncomfortable all the way through it, but Connery is always fun.

    I need to see that dolphin film.


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