Saturday, May 29, 2010

Prince of Persia Review

Ok, before I get started with anything I must acknowledge the fact that Dennis Hopper is no longer in the world, which is a bummer. The man's filmography is incredible: Easy Rider, Apocalypse Now, Crash, Speed, True Romance, the list goes on. But because it was the first thing I ever saw with him in it, in my heart, he will always be King Koopa from Super Mario Bros:

"One evil, egg-sucking son of a snake" He will be missed

Moving on, last night, as I mostly coherently managed to convey, I went to see the opening of Prince of Persia and came away kinda disappointed despite the effervescent hotness that is Jake Gyllenhaal. I have to give him props for an incredible transformation from adorable puppy to musclebound bad-ass:


But one hot dude does not a good movie make (though it sure can't hurt) and Prince of Persia suffers from flimsy writing, underdeveloped characters and a criminal underusing of the funniest guy in the movie, Alfred Molina as a crazy ostrich-racing criminal who decries government taxation, sold his mother for gold, and insinuates that big swords mean tiny dicks. He is basically supposed to be the token Jack Sparrow in a movie that is trying way too hard to be Pirates of the Caribbean. The difference is that Pirates had full, engaging characters, a witty script, a gripping story and an awesome villain. Prince of Persia has zero of these things. You have no reason to give a rat's ass about the characters, the dialogue is cheesy as hell, the story makes as much sense as me going "hey, there's this magic dagger and this orphan prince and he uses it to do stupid crap but then the world's going to end" that's basically it. And when you can turn back time, there's no real danger. No suspense. Speaking of suspense, this movie suffers from "who's the baddie? Hmmm, maybe the dude with the heavy eye make-up who can't stop scowling?"

"Oh, hey guys. I was just about to boil some infants before devouring a live puppy. Go Good Guys Team! Also, you got any spare eyeliner?"

Yeah. When you spend the whole movie wishing you were watching a movie about the secondary characters who are way more interesting, you know it's a bad movie. Two catapults out of five, for a lousy film with decent action scenes, an ostrich lover and Jake Gyllenhaal's abs.

There was supposed to be a new topic here but you get this instead:


You know you've had too much when listening to Animal Collective and watching this thing:

is pretty much the coolest shit IN THE WORLD. That is all.

Sheik Amar (he did have a name!): (talking to a baddie with a huge sword) "You know what they say about men with big swords"(waggles pinkie finger suggestively)


  1. Jake Gyllenhaal finds his sister attractive and that's wrong.

  2. Jake Gyllenhaal is awesome, he is Donnie Darko, points for life.

    Holy bejeezus, that video was awesome.

  3. Your PoP review was so much more eloquent than mine. Props.

  4. Anon: um, ok. Not really here or there in terms of Prince of Persia, but um, yeah.

    Simon: Just watch Donnie Darko again instead of watching Prince of Persia, it is a better idea.

    Unwashed: :D thanks dude. Though personally I really liked your review (you tend to swear much more creatively than me)

  5. As we have now unanimously all agreed that Jake G is hot-as-fuck, I agree with your review: massive plot holes. The CGIs were pretty bitchin but also blatantly obvious, and in general can't really save a bad movie. On the other hand...KING KOOPA!!! I actually JUST rewatched this movie last week (seeing as I'm locked in my room after 1 am for fear of corporal punishment, Korean style, I've been watching a GAZILLION movies in the last 3 months...) :)


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