Thursday, May 13, 2010

A Plan So Crazy It Has To Work!

So today was my first day at the museum. I sat in on meetings, shadowed a tour and even got to re-write the press release for a new exhibit to make it less sucky. Also, even though I really, really, REALLY wanted to, I managed to refrain from crying out



It was hard.

Yeah so even though I remain on the job-warpath, this museum shit is tiring so I've been thinking about other means of revenue and I think I've hit upon a plan so brilliant, so remarkably maddeningly genius, that all my money troubles will be solved. Read on and be amazed! (Also, trademarked. Howard Hughes taught me well)

All I ever needed to know I learned by hoarding jars of my own pee

Anyway here's my brilliant plan: What's psychotically popular right now? Sparkle-puss vampires! And while That Which Is Twilight manages to capture tweens, teens and lonely housewives, there's one demographic they've missed completely. I speak of course, of the elderly! That's right, old people need sad sappy love stories that our clumsily veiled loss of virginity metaphors too! And I shall be the one to deliver it! Now, to cast our lead. The old lady whom every old lady will wish they were. Hmmmm...Why of course! Old Bella can be played by none other than America's Oldest Sweetheart, Betty White! And her Edward, her brooding, diffident, possibly abusive yet certainly sparkly lover? I think I know a man who allegedly kept his pimp hand strong in need of a comeback, role...



You may now commence raucous cheers and affirmations of my genius. What? I haven't sold you yet? Read this excerpt from the script:

"Your skin is wrinkled and liver-spotted. Your accent is so strong, and you're always wearing that kilt...I know what you are"


"Shay it, shay it out loud,"


"Scottish!"


Scintillating, right? But the story is not complete without our dark horse, er, wolf...thing, Old Jacob. Who could play a renegade werewolf who longs for Bella's heart (and also possibly her kidney cuz his just isn't what it used to be)?


Box. Office. GOLD. And just wait 'til things really heat up in the sequel:




I'm off to order my swimming pool full of chocolate pudding now. This is Sugary Cynic saying "Technically, Edward is still older" 'Night!

Edward: "Hi, Bella, my name's Edward,"

Narrator:"He then stared at her handsomely for 20 minutes"

-"Twilight: The Broodening", a most wonderful and hilarious parody on the youtube

6 comments:

  1. ...WHAT DID YOU DO TO JACOB'S BODY?!!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. This made me stop breathing. In a good way.

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  3. YEEEESSSSS!!!!!!! You will have a cult following with the elderly in NO TIME! :D

    ReplyDelete
  4. And I seriously thought nobody could make that movie any good. I'm sold! (You haven't been slapping any monkeys in the museum, have you?)

    ReplyDelete
  5. Yes. YES!

    Good god, that is brilliant. I'd invest in that!

    ReplyDelete

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