Sunday, May 2, 2010

Another Meme/Val Notes/Sean Connery Movie Sunday/Too Many Damn Slashes

So I have a sinking feeling I bombed my Stats final but I'm so shrouded in apathy that I really don't care. All I need is a C in it to never have to worry about anything having remotely to do with a Chai Squared Test ever again. Now all I have to do is write one last Shakespeare paper, and by write one last paper I mean screw off and blog :D. So Simon of Four of Them tagged me in another movie meme and because I do so enjoy bringing irritation into the lives of all who know me, I tag my favorite sullen projectionist at The Intermittent Sprocket and um...Jacob of E-loumination, you wanna give this one a shot, though you claim non-movie blog status? (I'm not allowed to tag Brenda in anything movie related anymore, due to her claims of shut-in-ness).


1. What was your first movie-going experience?

Aladdin, in '92 when I was but a wee Cynic.

2. How many DVDs do you own?
54 I think, I haven't counted them in awhile...stop looking at me like that.

3. What is your guilty pleasure movie?
.... (looks left) .... (looks right) .... (looks under bed) .... (searches for hidden cameras or microphones) ...August Rush makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside.

4. You’ve compiled a list of your top 100 movies. Which films didn’t make the cut?

Dude I am the crazy old cat lady of movies. I cannot leave any out in the cold.

Thankfully, movies poop significantly less than cats

5. Which movie(s) do you compulsively watch over and over again?
The Rock, Moulin Rouge, The School of Rock and How To Train Your Dragon (it's not my fault, Javi downloaded it. We all can't stop watching it, I fear the worst for our sanity)

6. Classic(s) you’re ashamed to admit you haven’t seen yet?
Lessee, never seen Scarface, or Marnie, which is weird because of course I've seen nearly every Hitchcock film EXCEPT the one with Sean Connery. (Usually I'm the one yelling at people for having seen classics so there's not much in this category)

7. What movie posters are hanging in your room?
The Dark Knight, Be Kind Rewind (shut up), a drawing of Hellboy that isn't exactly a movie poster but it's damn cute, and an official from-the-theater poster of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade that I got a convention and would fight a bear for.

There, Simon (sticks out tongue) mleh! (that's my tongue-sticking out noise, just in case that was lost on anyone)

Now, before we get into the unmitigated awesome that is today's Sean Connery movie, I feel it is my job, nay my civic duty, to embarrass Val by making her manic acts of sleep deprivation blog comedy. Cuz we're buddies, and that's what buddies do. So Val interns at some power company (yes I am being vague on purpose) and she is also a recreational insomniac. So what happens when she hasn't slept in forty-eight hours or so and she ends up front row at a meeting? This:

8:30am- So very tired, and of course I get stuck in the front row where I must keep looking alert and so I must write things.

We shall see how this works.

My tummy hurts. Ouch.

I wonder how my eyes look when I get all out of focus like this. I should have gotten more coffee, buy alot Rich (***I have no idea who or what Rich is) participation in something

This room is hot and stuffy. They must want us to fall asleep

8:50am- Bats and energy: A perfect storm? (***Apparently this was some presentation thing)

turned the lights down too low, I'm not going to make it!

What the heck is something that I already forgot?

I feel like he is watching me whenever I fall asleep, which is every time I close my eyes.

Never forget how people (illegible gibberish)

They seemed he encouraged to what the heck am I writing? Craaaaaaap....

10:20am- My feet are sweaty and I'm hungry.

Hey! I'm going to Georgia!!

My supervisor's missing, how did he get out?

I'm hungry

If one could have a gay sounding voice, this guy has one.

11:00am- I'm getting writer's hand cramp

The Mahogany seedpods are too dangerous (Followed by a paragraph of French)

So, he does sanitation health stuff and has a single star on his board, I have no idea if that's true at all. I may have dreamed it in this waking sleep

11:35am- Waiting for lunch! AAAAAGGGGGHHH!!

Wake up wake up wake up wake up wake up

I have completely lost track of the conversation. Why do people keep talking? The food is here!!


Seriously, Val, get some sleep.

Ok, movie time! This week, I am reviewing the classic movie of bad-ass and tax evasion, The Untouchables!

Under orders from the giant Robert De Niro in the sky, Kevin Costner will shoot you in the face!

So the movie is based in the true story of Elliot Ness, Prohibition bad-ass, and how he brought down Al Capone through patience, planning and many well-choreographed action scenes. Kevin Costner plays Ness and Robert De Niro's receding hairline plays the famed gangster.

And I thought Connor MacLeod had a forehead! Truly I knew nothing of real forehead

So the movie starts out with Ness trying to clean up the streets of Chicago...and failing miserably and embarrassingly. Like a little baby bunny someone had the misfortune of handing a gun to. Thankfully, he meets up with Malone, an Irish cop with a thick Scottish accent.

Well, at least he's not claiming to be Egyptian anymore.

So then cool things happen because Malone tutors Ness in the art of bad-assery, 90% of Connery's dialogue is literally just aphorisms on how to kick ass, the other 10% being slurs against Italians. A good chunk of the movie is filled with moments like this:

Hell yeah! So Ness and Malone assemble a crack team consisting of Li'l Andy Garcia and...uh, this guy:

Al Capone just wet his pants with terror!

And there are kick-ass gun fights, and more awesome speeches, and Al Capone baseball bat's a dude to death. Basically this is a great movie and I feel like describing it does not do it justice. Seriously, just go see it, it's a friggin classic and it's manlier than Sylvester Stallone's chest hair. Ew, I just grossed myself out. Anyway if you haven't seen it I'm about to get all nice and spoiler-y so beware and all that.

Capone's guys crack down on our Untouchable heroes, sending them messages in the form of dead accountants and putting a hit out on Malone, which results in one of the LONGEST DEATH SCENES EVER FOREVER:

That's right, it takes more than a few dozen bullets to kill the Connery! (or at least it takes a really long time). Still, one of the coolest movie deaths to be sure. Except for the whole Paggliacci sad clown song. I get that it's supposed to be powerful and all, but all I can think about is:


So Ness and Li'l Garcia get revenge the law-abiding way and nail Capone for tax evasion. But there is still unfinished business in a scene that wins both Best Revenge Kill and also Most Hilarious Use of Blue Screen:

Heh, it's like he's swimming or something. It kills me! (insert bad pun sound effect here)

So The Untouchables is the coolest of the cool, the movie that made Prohibition look awesome, which is no mean feat. There's a strong ensemble cast and the score is done by King of Awesome himself, Ennio Morricone. All in all, Four and a half catapults of five, for doing things the Chicago way.

All right, back to the paper (euuurrrgh). So close to being done! By the time I post tomorrow I will be a free woman, like Free Willy...but ya know...not.

Capone: "You can get further with a kind word and a gun than you can with just a kind word."


  1. Yay for epic posts! well done
    Handsome squidward is where it's at! :o)

  2. handsome squidward haunts my dreams now (shudder)

  3. How epically epic, sir, and I do apologise for the tag. I had to, and everyone else I knew already did one.

    You haven't even seen Psycho? For shame...

    Fuck anyone who does not love Be Kind Rewind! It's Michael Gondry, you traitors!

  4. I love movies. I just don't blog about them very often. But that doesn't mean that I don't, or I won't. I'll most likely start doing more since I now know at least one more movie aficionado within my circle.

    I also get tagged a lot to do this kind of thing all the time. So, of course, I will accept the invitation, and soon you will understand why I get picked a lot. ;)

  5. And just FYI, it is a small "e" and a big "L" in "e-Loumination". :)

  6. my bad. I'll prolly go back and fix it. To be fair, I write all these at 2am so there's bound to be a few letters out of place here and there

  7. What exactly is a "meme", anyway? I'm not familiar with the term...

  8. its a thing that goes around the internet that everybody does via forcing it on each other


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